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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends encouraging separation?

143 replies

theblue · 13/04/2023 00:55

if your friend suddenly told you they were separating out of the blue, would you not care to ask what’s happened and to say you hope things can be worked out?

DH has suddenly decided he wants to separate (whilst he’s going through depression). To me it’s completely out of the blue. Before he became depressed we were talking about how our relationship was the best it had ever been. I’ve seen messages from a couple of friends responding to the news saying that it’s probably best for the children. No questions about what’s going on even though he claims he’s never told anyone that he’s unhappy. That’s hard to believe. I’m really confused about what he’s been telling them. Divorce may be good for children if there’s a toxic environment at home eg constant fighting, violence. Why would they jump straight to saying it’s good for the children

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 13/04/2023 01:02

Sorry you're going through this, it sounds very tough. These are messages from mutual friends to your husband, are they?

Original poster
theblue · 13/04/2023 01:07

Thanks.
Nope not mutual friends; they are his friends only.
He posted on a group chat and then some of them messaged privately. Not a single person asked what’s going on or expressed anything about hoping things can be resolved.

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 13/04/2023 01:24

Maybe if they think he’s unhappy (I’m assuming he has done in the past or does tell them a certain amount of things) they assume you’re unhappy too and that it would be better for everyone. But without your input, they’re getting a very biased view on the relationship so I think it is a strange thing to say about the children, it’s not what I’d say personally, but maybe it’s a standard (not sure what to say) sort of response in a separation situation?

a bit like the awkward things people blurt out when you suffer a loss of some kind, ‘I’m not sure what to say, so I’ll say this!’

it sounds awful for you OP, i hope you have a support system in place, friends/family etc?

FuchsAndMöhr · 13/04/2023 01:29

Why are you reading his messages?

MichelleScarn · 13/04/2023 01:33

Is he showing you the messages or are you looking at them without his permission? Maybe he feels things haven't been great and has been talking about this with them?

Original poster
theblue · 13/04/2023 01:33

Anyone I’ve told on my end has expressed shock, that they’re there for support and they hope we can work things out. That’s why I find the contrast in his friends messages bizarre. He’s told me that he’s not told them anything before.

As for looking at the phone it’s the First time I’ve done it in ten years. We know each other’s passwords. Needed to check there isn’t an OW as it’s so out of the blue and he’s not given me any reason other than historic stuff that we have resolved but he seemed to have wiped that part out of his mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
theblue · 13/04/2023 01:36

Should also add there was some cheating in the very early days of our relationship so that’s why he said I could have access to his phone

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/04/2023 01:49

Men generals are less likely to encourage other men to stay in relationships that they’re not happy in imo.

However, in this circumstance it’s easier to say “good luck with it, I’m sure it’ll be for the best” when it’s at his instigation.

Your friends will be more concerned about you so will be more likely to echo your feelings. They’d be more likely to say “it’s for the best” if it was your instigating it.

OhMyCherriePie · 13/04/2023 01:51

Doubt it’s a one off he has probably been moaning about you to them for a long time so they are now like well just leave if you are unhappy and I disagree it’s a man thing, MN is full of women quick to say LTB over petty stuff and I find that is the case irl as well

Original poster
theblue · 13/04/2023 01:52

@YetMoreNewBeginnings yes I hadn’t thought off that. Actually that makes sense. All his family expressed hope for things resolving but maybe family and friends are different too.

OP posts:
MavisMcMinty · 13/04/2023 01:52

Isn’t it more that men just don’t ask questions like that of each other? (Assuming, of course, that these friends are men.)

Original poster
theblue · 13/04/2023 01:55

@OhMyCherriePie That’s my feeling too but he denies that he’s been moaning about me. It pisses me off because if true it means he never thought to tell me he was unhappy and put on a brilliant pretence of being happy whilst telling others that he was unhappy.

OP posts:
Phoebo · 13/04/2023 01:59

Well if he's not said anything, maybe they've observed something about your dynamic or picked up on his depression. Generally if you know someone well you can tell when something isn't right

Original poster
theblue · 13/04/2023 01:59

I also feel kind of disgusted that he ended his message telling them he’ll let them know once he’s ready to explore life as a single man. He’s ending our marriage and I’m devastated. Of course he will just say it’s lads banter.

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EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 13/04/2023 02:09

I thought too given he told them he ended it makes sense they'd reply that way. .Then what he said at the end of his post it's not surprising his friends are saying it's all for the best. I think it would be best for you not to go looking for anything more, it's unlikely to do anything but make you hurt more.

Original poster
theblue · 13/04/2023 02:14

@EliflurtleTripanInfinite Maybe. I just felt the need to understand what went wrong and when. Closure I guess.

OP posts:
AdeIe · 13/04/2023 06:31

He must have told them things previously. But it's very unhealthy checking his messages and thinking it's normal.

GuevarasBeret · 13/04/2023 06:33

if your friend suddenly told you they were separating out of the blue, would you not care to ask what’s happened and to say you hope things can be worked out?

Not necessarily.
More than one person told me how happy they were for me when I said we had separated out-of-the-blue. It let me know who my true friends were.

readbooksdrinktea · 13/04/2023 06:36

He will have talked to them about being unhappy. Don't go looking through his phone. It's not OK.

Goodadvice1980 · 13/04/2023 06:38

Could be an OW.

If he wants the single life pack his packs and send him out the door! Don’t let him break your heart and still have the home comforts.

Goodadvice1980 · 13/04/2023 06:49

*pack his bags

Holly60 · 13/04/2023 07:02

theblue · 13/04/2023 01:55

@OhMyCherriePie That’s my feeling too but he denies that he’s been moaning about me. It pisses me off because if true it means he never thought to tell me he was unhappy and put on a brilliant pretence of being happy whilst telling others that he was unhappy.

I think it's more the context:

  1. 'I'm separating from my partner' and the supportive thing to say is that it may be for the best and you are making the right choice if you are unhappy.
  1. 'My partner wants to leave me' and the supportive thing would be to express shock and say you hope things can be resolved.

I know I'd respond differently depending if it was instigated by my friend or their partner

Billybagpuss · 13/04/2023 07:06

People tend to say what they think the other person wants to hear in these situations so I wouldn’t read too much into it.

sorry you’re going through this. How are fixed financially, it’s worth spending some time getting things in order so you’re not on the back foot when he starts initiating things.

Makewayforsummer · 13/04/2023 07:13

If my friend said they have decided to separate then I would be supportive. They are an adult and I would assume they are best placed to make a decision about their live. If someone said they maybe separating then I would act differently because they have no definitive answer.

In the few posts you have made their has been cheating and checking phone. If this is my friend I would be thinking their making the right decision.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/04/2023 07:13

Choosing to break up with someone and being broken up with unexpectedly are two very different scenarios.

Your DH is making the decisions so is less likely to need comfort, whereas you're on the receiving end of the bad news so of course your friends are more likely to rally round and provide comfort.

It would be the same if you'd ended the relationship, in my experience.