Friends encouraging separation?

[theblue]

if your friend suddenly told you they were separating out of the blue, would you not care to ask what’s happened and to say you hope things can be worked out?

DH has suddenly decided he wants to separate (whilst he’s going through depression). To me it’s completely out of the blue. Before he became depressed we were talking about how our relationship was the best it had ever been. I’ve seen messages from a couple of friends responding to the news saying that it’s probably best for the children. No questions about what’s going on even though he claims he’s never told anyone that he’s unhappy. That’s hard to believe. I’m really confused about what he’s been telling them. Divorce may be good for children if there’s a toxic environment at home eg constant fighting, violence. Why would they jump straight to saying it’s good for the children

@junebirthdaygirl He’s tried. He refuses to answer his calls.

I think you need to look after yourself.

He sounds very self absorbed.

I think you should initiate the divorce.

He has decided more than enough IMO.

The thing with depression is it does make people self absrobed. It's part of the nature of the beast. However, if he is not prepared to help himself, it doesn't really matter. You look out for you OP, and your kids. You can't force him to see the light! That's if it's due to his depression anyway. He might just want to end the marriage.

This. When my (male) friend told me he’d asked his wife for a divorce, I was supportive. It was fairly clear it was a plodalong marriage in which both people were avoiding the issues, him by staying at work till all hours (completely unnecessary as I had the same job and did it in ordinary hours and WFH two days a week) and her by an obsessive hobby, so my main emotion was surprise he’d actually decided to act. No OW. They did ‘end of marriage’ counselling with Relate.

I did also tell him that he was causing a lot of sadness (two young teenagers, as well as his wife) and needed to be sure to grasp the rest of his life with both hands to make it worthwhile. Unfortunately, he drifted into a new relationship after a year, she moved in because of some external circumstances, and it’s heading down exactly the same avoidant plodalong route as his marriage, with the extra that his children aren’t keen on sharing a house with her 50% of the time. He’s not good at marriage.

I’ve gone on a bit, OP, but I wanted to show why I didn’t beg him to reconsider, and supported his decision.

So really there is nobody here that thinks that this is something I should try to work through? Sometimes I find myself thinking “Through sickness and in health”.

When I went through depression for a couple of months I completely lost my libido. I remember him being very upset about it and I told him he was free to see other women to meet his needs. Now I look back at it, it seems crazy that I said that but that’s what I felt then. I didn’t care if he did anything. I know he didn’t do anything because this was at the end of lockdown and he was around all the time (working from home and not socialising). Sometimes people who are depressed say and do crazy things.

So really there is nobody here that thinks that this is something I should try to work through? Sometimes I find myself thinking “Through sickness and in health”.

Work through what though? He has told you he wants to separate, you have absolutely nothing to work with. Don't waste your time waiting for him to have a change of heart. In sickness and in health does not include shitting all over your spouse whilst you sort out if you want to be with them or not. You've already said he has narcissistic tendencies so don't feed them. He wants out then he wants out so set him free. Believe me, in the long run you will realise it's the biggest favour he has ever done you.

But you can't force him to get better if he doesn't want to OP. And just because he is depressed doesn't mean he gets a carte blanche to do what he likes.

You can seperate and leave the door open to reconcilliation if he improves and you still feel the same. You don't have to rush the actual legal divorce bit if you don't want to.

Just to add one of the reasons I mention the sickness thing, is whatever else may be going on I genuinely believe he is very sick from the physical symptoms he is having - constantly saying in his sleep “it’s ok” “everything is ok”, fever followed by chills, the constant urge to vomit but nothing comes out etc.

@Nordicrain Does separation really help? I feel like I would continue to feel like I’m in limbo.

Also isn’t separation just saying I’m here once you have figured things out and that doesn’t seem to me like taking control. Taking control would be saying I’m done and starting the divorce process?

Well it would give you the freedom to see what life is like without him, and is a step in taking back control of your own life. That's not being in limbo, you can decide at any point that you want to make it official. Lots of couples take their time with seperating to give them the chance to work out what the seperation and divorce arrangements will look like before all the legal wraggling. As pp mentioned there is also end of marriage therapy to help you navigate that. But you can also just go straight to putting the wheels in motion for divoce. The key thing is just you taking control rather than sitting around waiting for him to change his mind.

Doesn't it also depend on how he frames it?

I think I would say "it's best for the children" in response to someone who instigated the break up saying "we haven't been happy for a while" "unfortunately I've been thinking about it for a while and it's just not working out between us" or "we are going to stay friends if we can, but unfortunately it hasn't worked out romantically" or similar

The thing I dislike about separation is the idea of him living his “single” life whilst I’m thinking there’s some (albeit small) hope of reconciliation.

Well then divorce. The key thing is to do what you feel would be best for YOU (a nd your kids). Not him.

I think I would prefer divorce to separation but I’m also not confident about taking such a drastic step right now.

He is checking out.

Your sickness and health thing is interesting as it’s an example of you putting his needs above yours - you’re I’ll and he also made a vow of sickness and health but you felt the need to tell him he could go elsewhere for sex. You’re painting a picture of an incredibly entitled, disloyal and selfish man.

*ill

@ArseMenagerie That’s possibly true. I’m not an angel either though. In the early years off our marriage I really struggled with regulating my emotions and would become really overwhelmed. It’s definitely got better and in fact in the last two years he can’t point to a single instance of it happening. But that will be his side of the story if you were to listen. The puzzling thing there is why not end it when it was actually bad and not years later when things got much better. Those people who are saying I shouldn’t focus on the why because I won’t get any answers are probably right though. I need to work on my mindset.

I voted YABU because this is probable not a decision he had come to lightly. He will have been confiding in friends even if just to say ‘we are having problems’ I’m sure this is the reason for their replies. I don’t think anyone walks away from a marriage or long term relationship if they done genuinely believe that it’s for the best. I remember when my best friend left her husband. He called me up claiming she was mentally ill and asked me to have a word with her! In reality she had been confiding in me for years about how unhappy she was. The reason for the depression prior to the separation was the stress and guilt about how she was feeling and the uncertainty and likely stress of divorce. As for the ‘in sickness and in health’ comments, that encourages the condoning of abusive behaviour and unhappiness. It’s far more important that people are happy, if a relationship has to be worked on then it has probably run its course. He doesn’t sound like much fun to be with at the moment and you definitely deserve someone who treats you better. Divorce him and move on, you will look back on this and be glad it happened. Good luck OP.

Well perhaps because when you are in the bad patch you think if you can just stop fighting/ be nice to each other everything will be ok. then you get there and actually you are still not feeling about the other person the way you want to in a marriage, even without all the conflict. Sometimes enough damage is done in the bad patch, enough negative feelings and putting up barriers, that you can't go back and "fix" it.

I personally wouldn't bother working through it with him.

He will mess you around. Over and over.

Call a solicitor. Just for a chat. Protect yourself from being hurt more.

Probably because if he says “Yes I spoke to Steve and Dave…” it’s basically guaranteed that you will ask what he said, when he said it, what they said etc.

It’s understandable that you want to know, but it’s equally understandable (imo) that he doesn’t want to share that.

It’s also not relevant to the current situation, as much as it may seem it, as the decision he’s made is the relevant bit not who he talked with to get there.

@Disolusionedteacher @Nordicrain Thank you. I can’t argue with that. It’s making more sense. I feel like things making sense will help me move further towards acceptance. I do still have this worry that ‘what if’ this isn’t the right thing to do and that’s probably because I wasn’t unhappy and that he has shown some uncertainty too by not jumping straight to a divorce. But I don’t know if anyone ever feels so certain and confident about ending things.

People always say on here that you can end a relationship for any reason, so I guess that applies for him. Whatever he said was the reason, it would be difficult.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings I think what made me feel it was relevant was that he’s talking about separation and not divorce and he said he would think about couples counselling when separated. I think that tiny, tiny, tiny bit of hope was making me want to understand what’s going on. If I let go off that and decide that I want to divorce then it matters less.