Friends encouraging separation?

[theblue]

if your friend suddenly told you they were separating out of the blue, would you not care to ask what’s happened and to say you hope things can be worked out?

DH has suddenly decided he wants to separate (whilst he’s going through depression). To me it’s completely out of the blue. Before he became depressed we were talking about how our relationship was the best it had ever been. I’ve seen messages from a couple of friends responding to the news saying that it’s probably best for the children. No questions about what’s going on even though he claims he’s never told anyone that he’s unhappy. That’s hard to believe. I’m really confused about what he’s been telling them. Divorce may be good for children if there’s a toxic environment at home eg constant fighting, violence. Why would they jump straight to saying it’s good for the children

Maybe he wasn't moaning. I know someone who just divorced. I was mostly surprised that he didn't divorce years earlier when the kids left home. He never said a bad thing about his wife and she's never been anything but nice to me but they just seemed too different to stay together. Nobody's fault, just an ill suited match.

@theblue

How do people seem to always find out? I imagine there probably are many people who feel too ashamed to admit it. Is it just when you see how quickly they have moved on?

It depends largely on whether, if there is infidelity, it's infidelity with a view to building a relationship or whether it's a casual fling.

If your DH is planning to leave you to build a life with another woman you will inevitably find out after some period of time, he won't be able to keep it secret indefinitely. If he's had a couple of casual bunk-ups you may not. But men don't leave marriages because they've had a fling.

People are very self interested.

Everyone is only friends with someone because of what they get out of the situation - whether that is convenience (see them at work every day & it's nice to have someone to have lunch with), entertainment (you have the same sense of humour and have a good time together) or mercenary trading (school gate parents to trade emergency lifts/play date time).

It's likely that for whatever reason people saying it's a good thing have their own selfish reasons for that. Pay no heed to it. It could be anything from I want my single drinking buddy back so I can out with him to more free time on the golf course.

put it out of your mind.

I don't think it's necessarily a power thing (but I could be wrong) I think he's possibly trying (but failing) to let you down gently

I do think you need to decide what is best for you. Do you think there is any coming back from this even if he does a 180° turn?

And if he's losing his job, what are his plans to finance all this? Has he got another one to go to?

@Nanny0gg Yes, it seems like he’s trying to let me down gently. I hate the dishonesty off it. I would much rather be told there is no way forward.
In terms of finances he has some savings so will probably use those until he finds another job.
As for coming back from this, I really don’t know right now. I love him a lot but he has also hurt me a great deal.

I’m against the grain but looking at his phone is a detail that’s not relevenat imo. You’re married! Looking at each other’s phone is grounds for crucifixion on mn and I don’t get it.

anyway - I reckon he’s been telling him mates negative stuff about the marriage and that’s why they’re responding as they are. Possible they don’t know what to say. If someone said to you ‘I’m not happy and it’s not salvageable’ then ‘well probably for the best then’ would be a fairly typical response.

the bigger picture here is whether he does actually want to split or if he really is suffering from mental illness. Sorry you’re going through this. My mum put up with my depressed dad for years and it was so tough on her. X

@sjxoxo Yes, that question is still niggling at me. Some people on here have said they don’t think depression can make someone want to throw away their marriage, whilst others think it is a possibility. I know from my own experience of depression that it can make you lose feelings. I felt nothing when I had it, but I also didn’t seriously contemplate ending my marriage either. I guess everyone is different.

I'd start reading some Chump Lady, if I were you.

I think depression makes people lose interest in things that are important to them and makes them neglect their loved ones. But it also (unless it's something like the hyperactive phase of bipolar) profoundly demotivates people and makes them far less likely to do something dramatic which will uproot their lives and require a lot of organisation and planning on their part.

I can totally see how him being depressed would turn him into a selfish shit but IMHO it's highly unlikely it would motivate him to totally change his life like this. I don't know your DH obviously but I don't see this as the motivation.

@Thepeopleversuswork I get that. Like I said when I was depressed I felt nothing for him yet I didn’t have the motivation to leave him or do anything except the bare minimum. He has depression (diagnosed by GP) so where he is getting the motivation to make such a dramatic life change I don’t really know.

Depression can make you feel like giving up.

I wonder if his mood is so low that he feels as though he can't cope with the responsibility and commitment of a marriage, so it's easier to just pack it in altogether.

@JudgeRudy

I'm sorry for what's happening to you. It sounds like it really is a shock. I can't think what possessed you to look through his phone. You had no right to do that. That was completely out of order and now you're just tying yourself in knots trying to disect his conversations and thoughts. You've also given him another reason to not want to be with you

Don't be so ridiculous. Here in the real world, with real lived experience, the vast majority of women would do exactly this when their DH ended the relationship with no explanation. And "given him another reason not to be with you"? As if somehow he might have changed his mind and stayed if only it weren't for looking at his phone? What a bizarre thing to say to a poster asking for advice in this context.

Would most women really go through their exs phone? That would really disappoint me to think that was the case.
The messages on the phone indicate his mates weren't shocked. She's also presumably seen no evidence of a girlfriend but now she wants to go furthrt and hack into other accounts! I get she doesn't understand what's happened but I cannot condone her behaviour.
I'm not imply without the phone incident they could have kissed and made up. Maybe I could have phrased it better. He doesn't want to be with her. Now she's violated his privacy he really really does not want to be with her and will be even more justified to give no further details.
Maybe he has explained why and she just doesn't get it.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts Giving up on everything was definitely part of his mindset. He’s talked in the past about wanting to cut contact with his parents, siblings and friends because no one really cares.

Whoops didn’t meant to add that giff!

If he wants to separate, is there a way you can separate for say, 3 months, but both agree you won't see other people during that time. That should give him the space he needs to get his head clear, and you the space you need to get your head clear without worrying he's off doing god knows what with whoever he likes.

Ask him to leave the house. Go and stay with his brother/parents/friends for a few days.

@Issania87 Yes I suppose we could. When people separate does it normally mean people start dating or do most people still consider themselves married and stay loyal? Obviously will vary from person to person but just wondering what the norm is.