Friends encouraging separation?

[theblue]

if your friend suddenly told you they were separating out of the blue, would you not care to ask what’s happened and to say you hope things can be worked out?

DH has suddenly decided he wants to separate (whilst he’s going through depression). To me it’s completely out of the blue. Before he became depressed we were talking about how our relationship was the best it had ever been. I’ve seen messages from a couple of friends responding to the news saying that it’s probably best for the children. No questions about what’s going on even though he claims he’s never told anyone that he’s unhappy. That’s hard to believe. I’m really confused about what he’s been telling them. Divorce may be good for children if there’s a toxic environment at home eg constant fighting, violence. Why would they jump straight to saying it’s good for the children

If a friend told me they were separating I wouldn't tell them I hope they can resolve things, I'd think they'd made their mind up and I'd be supportive ie it'll be best for the kids

I wouldn't jump in and say I hope you can resolve things, why would I?
They're an adult and they've made the decision already.

I hope he gives you a reason.
This sounds shit and very confusing for you x

It sounds very likely that he's been talking to some of them privately about how unhappy he is for some time and they understand that the relationship is past the point of no return.

It's a bit shitty that this has come as a huge surprise to you but that's the way things go sometimes like this. If he had been unhappy but trying to work through his feelings without scaring the horses it's understandable that he may have wanted to confide in someone other than you or get their view as a sounding board.

As someone else said upthread men are generally far less invested in the idea of committed relationships and "keeping the family together" than women are anyway so they wouldn't default to the assumption that it's always best to stay together, which women often tend to do.

Yeah I understand now why his friends aren’t saying they hope things can be resolved, like our families and my friends have done. Makes sense.

Still find the comments about it being best for the children a bit bizarre. It seems like he must have said something to them before (maybe that he’s only staying with me because of the children?) but won’t admit it, which is frustrating. Honesty and knowing what’s really going on has always been so important to me and he knows that.

Sorry but the relationship could never of been very good if cheating happened in the early days & you have access to his phone and check it like he's a child.
I think his friends are right a clean break is both what you need.

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time op. I wonder if it really matters what his friends are saying? Sounds like he’s set on separating so what his friends think is immaterial really. I’d try to separate yourself from thinking about them.

I think he clearly has been talking to his friends about his unhappiness, and that’s an understandable thing to do.

Its unpleasant for you that it’s come as a shock, but if he has been talking it through that makes it far less likely to be a quick/random reaction to something.

which is not ideal for you if you want to save the marriage, but in the long run better if it’s an actual firm decision rather than a whimsy thing he’s going to change his mind on as soon as he starts talking to people.

Honesty and knowing what’s really going on has always been so important to me and he knows that

In the kindest way, he doesn't owe you any honesty now. He wants to end the marriage - he doesn't need to give you a reason.

If he's not happy, he's not happy.

The thing that really gets me is that we had such a good end of 2021/ beginning of 2022. We have very young kids so were caught up in the baby years for a bit and I’d had a brief period of low level depression at the end of lockdown due to the pandemic and various changes in my life but recovered from that. He was saying to me how great things were in 2021/2022. Then he started having problems at work and became depressed. Now at the point that he’s losing his job he’s started getting really severe anxiety and telling me he wants to separate. When I ask why he’s unhappy he cannot point to a single recent thing but instead to things that happened years ago (sometimes even ten years ago). It’s all so strange.

But even if he suddenly came out and said "I'm unhappy because of x, y and z" it wouldn't make any difference to the outcome.

If he's unhappy enough to initiate a separation, I don't think there's any benefit to picking apart his reasons. It won't change anything.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings yes but not sure why he is then denying that he has been talking to his friends?

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts Disagree. He claims to still love me, so I feel the least he can do when he has completely blindsided me is offer an explanation which makes sense so I can work on getting closure.

Look he's obviously been saying stuff. If a friend told me they were separating from a partner I'd say 'hope you're OK, here if you need me' or similar.

I'd want to know what part his children play in his new 'life as a single man.'

Funnily enough, my friend is in a bad place in her marriage, and I said that it's fair enough that she gets her head around it, works on it with him for the children, whilst my husband said that if it's as bad as reported, she should just bite the bullet and get it over with.

Yes there possibly could be some gender differences in responses too. Having said that both of DH brothers have expressed a wish that we can work things out and have been encouraging couples counselling etc.

Even if he's never said anything to his friend's about his relationship with you, I imagine that they've still got a picture of what your relationship is like in their heads. Maybe they didn't need to ask him what went wrong? Maybe they could see it? Or thought they could at least?

I don't know, just speculating whilst thinking about certain couples I know.

How old is your DH? I'm asking because getting depressed and then blaming your DW for everything is a form of mid-life crisis.

Disagree. He claims to still love me, so I feel the least he can do when he has completely blindsided me is offer an explanation which makes sense so I can work on getting closure

You can't make him give you an explanation, though.

At the end of the day, he doesn't want to stay in the marriage. That's it, really. He could give you a thousand different reasons but they won't change the outcome.

@Strugglingtodomybest These friends don’t socialise with partners so there have been very few opportunities for them to observe us as a couple.
He’s 35.

OP in the kindest way possible none of this is really relevant now. He has decided that he wants to separate. He clearly has agonised over this and may or may not have talked to friends privately about it. But the reasons leading up to this decision are his and you can’t change them.

The ins and outs of what he said to whom when and when he decided he was unhappy enough to leave won’t save your marriage.

Its also a moot point as to whether he has said it’s best for the children or whether people have put two and two together. If he’s been palpably unhappy for long enough for people to notice then it’s self evident that it will affect the children if not resolved.

For your own sake you need to stop doing forensics on the why’s and wherefores of breakup and focus on getting past it in a way which is best for you and your children.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts Yeah of course nobody can force anyone to do anything. But doesn’t change the fact that I think it’s a really shitty thing to do to someone you claim to still love. Also he says he doesn’t want to divorce yet, so if I’m still going to be married for the next few months I think I deserve to know what’s going on.

Yes I would expect an explanation if DH walked downstairs right now and said he wanted a divorce!
If it happened to a friend I would ask why they were separating but not necessarily encourage counselling, getting back together etc.

Surely he has had a verbal conversation with his friends about ending the relationship and the messages are just confirming that he’s gone through with it. Men don’t really talk about their feelings with friends that often, I don’t think they’re that interested/bothered. Not all men, but a vast majority!

I am not surprised you are hurt, angry, upset. He is very gutless to give you nothing to go on, even if it were another woman. I’d rather have a reason, personally. No it won’t change anything but surely to God you’re worth an explanation/sit down conversation because there IS a reason!

Well, you don't need to sit around passively and wait for him to make a decision.

He doesn't get to drop this on you and just carry on as though nothing has happened.

@Thepeopleversuswork I don’t understand how you get past something when you don’t even understand what has happened.

@Suzi888 thank you! Somebody who understands. I’ve told him that myself - even if it is that there’s another woman I would rather just know so I can begin work to process it.

Could be one of a few things - his make friends not knowing what to say, awkward about getting in to deep discussions or - he's told them he's been unhappy or - it's been blatantly on to them he's been unhappy as outsiders who know him

You never really understand why a relationship stops working. It’s an intangible, subjective thing. It’s not as if someone sits down and checks off the pluses and minuses in a relationship on a daily basis and does an inventory. It works or it doesn’t and when it doesn’t you can’t rationalise it back.

I have had my heart broken multiple times throughout my life and never fully understood why a person who loved me stopped loving me. Even if I had got such an inventory what would it have achieved? You can’t change most of these things. People feel as they feel and nothing changes this. You will drive yourself nuts trying to identify a set of objective “reasons”.

You are in that stage of a relationship where you are mentally “bargaining” to keep hold of something which is slipping away. It’s completely normal to feel like this but ultimately you have to get past it on your own terms rather than waiting for someone to grant you “closure”. You have to start working on acceptance.