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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep paying?

173 replies

Tilllly · 12/04/2023 18:55

DS is in first year at Uni

I said we'd pay for hall for up to a year whilst he found a job

So we're paying £1500 a term, and his £1500 cost of living grant is just for him
He has £500 a month spending money... and has nothing left, plus he's spent the £500 his GPs gave him "for emergencies" bless them!

I've said we're not paying next year. He's had ample time to find a job, plus wtf is he spending £500 a month on? I don't have that to spend. And whilst we're not desperately struggling, the hall costs aren't easy

There are 2 massive supermarkets, 15/20 mins away and he says there are no jobs
But it seems all his friends have jobs

DH thinks we should keep paying but I think he needs to bloody grow up

Am I really being that unreasonable? DS1 got a job and we'd bail him out when he was stuck. DS2 needs to do the same

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 12/04/2023 18:57

Depends on what course he's on I think. If he's got bags of time to work then he's taking the piss.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 12/04/2023 18:59

You said you’d pay for up to a year, so yes this is his last term and he needs to get a job.

Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 18:59

Dacadactyl · 12/04/2023 18:57

Depends on what course he's on I think. If he's got bags of time to work then he's taking the piss.

History
This term he had lectures 3 days a week, 2-4 hrs a day

He's got plenty of time to socialise (which I'm glad about) and go on his x box (which I'm not)

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 12/04/2023 18:59

So what is the £500 supposed to cover? Food, clothes, socialising, books? Does he run a car? I wouldn't want him to starve so would probably give him £100pm for food - it might focus his mind on finding a job!

OtterlyMad · 12/04/2023 19:01

My feeling is that you should treat your children equally. If DS1 had to get a job and you only sent money when they really really needed it, then you should have same expectations and boundaries for DS2. The job market right now for casual work like retail, bartending, etc. is hot so can’t understand how they’d be struggling to find something.

If I were DS1 and I saw you throwing money at my younger sibling because they couldn’t be arsed, after I’d had to get a job to afford the same things, then I’d be angry and upset and feel like you were showing favouritism.

Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 19:02

MsVestibule · 12/04/2023 18:59

So what is the £500 supposed to cover? Food, clothes, socialising, books? Does he run a car? I wouldn't want him to starve so would probably give him £100pm for food - it might focus his mind on finding a job!

Food and socialising - and I stocked his cupboards and fridge freezer when he started, at Cmas and when I collected him at Easter

No transport costs

Friends clubbed together and gave him a very generous voucher for books

OP posts:
secular39 · 12/04/2023 19:04

It's generous of you to pay for his uni fees. I wouldn't personally but I understand what some parents to so that their children will not be in debt..

1,500 for the grant (is that a month or spread across the term) is not really enough money, including the £500.00 spending money. He will be paying for food, rent, schools, printing, resources etc. But he needs to learn how to budget his money and going to uni is a perfect time to put this into practice. I would stop giving him an allowance and will make him get a job.

Dacadactyl · 12/04/2023 19:05

Tbf to him, I could have easily burnt through 500 a month when I was a student on going out socialising (and that's going back 18 years now).

However I had a succession of PT jobs during term time and then another FT job each holiday period. My mum and dad would've told me to take a running jump otherwise lol!

secular39 · 12/04/2023 19:06

It may be too late now. But I would stop paying for his uni fees so that he will be entitled to a full grant and a maintenance loan (approx, 3000 a term).

Daffodilwoman · 12/04/2023 19:07

Yes he needs to get a job.
Both my dcs worked whilst at uni.
What on earth is he spending £500 a month on?
When I was at uni I shopped at the local market and cooked my own food. Never bought a take away I could not afford it as nobody gave me that sort of money. Even shopped in charity shops for clothes, long before it became fashionable.
Employers will take into account which students have got off their backside when they decide who to employ.

AllTheChaos · 12/04/2023 19:09

secular39 · 12/04/2023 19:04

It's generous of you to pay for his uni fees. I wouldn't personally but I understand what some parents to so that their children will not be in debt..

1,500 for the grant (is that a month or spread across the term) is not really enough money, including the £500.00 spending money. He will be paying for food, rent, schools, printing, resources etc. But he needs to learn how to budget his money and going to uni is a perfect time to put this into practice. I would stop giving him an allowance and will make him get a job.

His parents are paying for halls though so he has no rent to pay

AllTheChaos · 12/04/2023 19:10

secular39 · 12/04/2023 19:06

It may be too late now. But I would stop paying for his uni fees so that he will be entitled to a full grant and a maintenance loan (approx, 3000 a term).

How does that work? I thought full loan was only for those whose parents are on a low income? Ditto any grants?

Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 19:19

secular39 · 12/04/2023 19:06

It may be too late now. But I would stop paying for his uni fees so that he will be entitled to a full grant and a maintenance loan (approx, 3000 a term).

I am sorry if I was not clear

The 1500 we are paying is per term for his hall of residence

He gets 1500 cost of living grant per term - food and socialising

The university fees, are part of his student loan to be paid back when he is earning enough after university

OP posts:
Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 19:23

OtterlyMad · 12/04/2023 19:01

My feeling is that you should treat your children equally. If DS1 had to get a job and you only sent money when they really really needed it, then you should have same expectations and boundaries for DS2. The job market right now for casual work like retail, bartending, etc. is hot so can’t understand how they’d be struggling to find something.

If I were DS1 and I saw you throwing money at my younger sibling because they couldn’t be arsed, after I’d had to get a job to afford the same things, then I’d be angry and upset and feel like you were showing favouritism.

Yes I agree and I argued this with DH (also quoted situation for assorted nieces, nephews and godchildren, who all got a bloody job)!

Tho DS1 is a few years older and earning lots now. But totally different personality
He probably couldn't care less that we're paying for DS2s hall, cos he wanted to be independent

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/04/2023 19:27

You need to treat them the same when it comes to finances, really.

If DS1 was expected to get a job, then DS2 needs to do the same thing.

Acheyknees · 12/04/2023 19:32

Crikey, my daughter gets 180 a month from me for food!
And she manages on that.

BoojaBooj2 · 12/04/2023 19:36

YANBU OP. Better that he learn now, than when he's as an adult.
And with a history degree he's unlikely to get an internship, or graduate role straight after graduating with no work experience. The job market is competitive.

Rainbow1901 · 12/04/2023 19:40

Don't Uni students move out of Halls after their first year? Then into house-shares with other students after that? If so - he'd better start sounding out his Uni pals.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 19:46

Does he get a full maintenance loan or are you excepted to make up difference?
I‘d contribute the required amount but not extra if you feel he can work.
He’ll also have all summer - 3 months or more to work ft to build up a cushion for yr 2.

Bramshott · 12/04/2023 19:50

If you explained that you would only support him temporarily and that he'd have to get a job, then I guess you should stick to that.

But, parents paying for accommodation and then students living off the minimum loan is pretty normal and not some kind of extreme laziness/luxury lifestyle. Personally I would rather DD takes all the opportunities she can whilst she's at uni, and she's pretty busy studying, joining societies and having fun which we are happy to support. There are lots of years in life for working...

Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 19:51

Acheyknees · 12/04/2023 19:32

Crikey, my daughter gets 180 a month from me for food!
And she manages on that.

I'm mean. I think that's generous

Wistfully remembering the days where I'd make stew without any meat that lasted me five days 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 19:51

BoojaBooj2 · 12/04/2023 19:36

YANBU OP. Better that he learn now, than when he's as an adult.
And with a history degree he's unlikely to get an internship, or graduate role straight after graduating with no work experience. The job market is competitive.

Exactly. But he just seems to think everything will be okay and will land in his lap without any effort on his part.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 19:52

Rainbow1901 · 12/04/2023 19:40

Don't Uni students move out of Halls after their first year? Then into house-shares with other students after that? If so - he'd better start sounding out his Uni pals.

They can stay in Hall for a second year, where he is, as they recently built two new blocks

OP posts:
Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 19:52

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 19:46

Does he get a full maintenance loan or are you excepted to make up difference?
I‘d contribute the required amount but not extra if you feel he can work.
He’ll also have all summer - 3 months or more to work ft to build up a cushion for yr 2.

He gets a full maintenance loan, we are not required to make up the difference

OP posts:
RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 12/04/2023 19:56

He gets the full maintenance loan yet you have £4.5k a year to spare just for his accommodation?