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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep paying?

173 replies

Tilllly · 12/04/2023 18:55

DS is in first year at Uni

I said we'd pay for hall for up to a year whilst he found a job

So we're paying £1500 a term, and his £1500 cost of living grant is just for him
He has £500 a month spending money... and has nothing left, plus he's spent the £500 his GPs gave him "for emergencies" bless them!

I've said we're not paying next year. He's had ample time to find a job, plus wtf is he spending £500 a month on? I don't have that to spend. And whilst we're not desperately struggling, the hall costs aren't easy

There are 2 massive supermarkets, 15/20 mins away and he says there are no jobs
But it seems all his friends have jobs

DH thinks we should keep paying but I think he needs to bloody grow up

Am I really being that unreasonable? DS1 got a job and we'd bail him out when he was stuck. DS2 needs to do the same

OP posts:
Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 22:46

NalafromtheLionKing · 12/04/2023 22:38

I think that’s pretty stingey, agree with your DH on this one.

Yes, I'm rethinking
But I need to consider how much and balance that with trying to get him to take some responsibility for himself
He's said he needs £16 a week for food
I'm chuckling at the very precise £16

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 22:51

What are his plans for accommodation yr 2? If you pay your contribution and no top ups is he likely to feel pinch and need to work.
I’d definitely encourage holiday job - some work is good for his cv for a start. My student niece works for the council doing admin pays above minimum wage in the hols.

Sandunesandseashells · 12/04/2023 22:53

I paid for halls and my son used his minimum maintenance loan to budget. In reality the real cost to me was only about £2.5k per year as I wasn’t buying him food at home, my utility bills were far less and I wasn’t giving him pocket money or clothing allowance. All this offset the cost of halls by approx 50%. He worked every summer to return with an additional lump sum.

caringcarer · 12/04/2023 22:58

I'd make him work during long summer break but not during term time. He should be using his time for study. For every hour he spends in a lecture he should be spending 3 or 4 hours in research and essay writing. I'd support him during term time but would make it up to my eldest son by giving him a cash lump sum to make it equal.

caringcarer · 12/04/2023 23:01

I really think it would be helpful to parents if they were informed of likely parental contribution when child in Year 8. Giving 5 years for them to plan and save. If he is getting the minimum maintenance grant you need to keep topping his allowance up otherwise he will be getting less than kids on maximum loan. I'd make him work over summer though.

Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 23:05

caringcarer · 12/04/2023 22:58

I'd make him work during long summer break but not during term time. He should be using his time for study. For every hour he spends in a lecture he should be spending 3 or 4 hours in research and essay writing. I'd support him during term time but would make it up to my eldest son by giving him a cash lump sum to make it equal.

My eldest son and his partner earn far, far more than we do! My house would fit in their kitchen 😂 Be more likely that he'd give us a lump sum!!! I know what you mean - but he isn't concerned about £ going to DS2 that he didn't get

OP posts:
caringcarer · 12/04/2023 23:05

CybermanAshad · 12/04/2023 22:11

Wait, do you give him £500 a month on top of paying his halls or is the £500 a month the cost of living grant?

You said he gets 1.5k a term. So 4.5k a year total.
That's 3 lots of 1.5k.
There 12 months in a year - so 1.5k has to last 4 months. That's £375 a month, not £500 a month.

So not £500 a month. £375 is less than £100 per week and would have to cover travel out of that.

Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 23:05

caringcarer · 12/04/2023 23:01

I really think it would be helpful to parents if they were informed of likely parental contribution when child in Year 8. Giving 5 years for them to plan and save. If he is getting the minimum maintenance grant you need to keep topping his allowance up otherwise he will be getting less than kids on maximum loan. I'd make him work over summer though.

We were woefully uninformed

OP posts:
Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 23:07

Sandunesandseashells · 12/04/2023 22:53

I paid for halls and my son used his minimum maintenance loan to budget. In reality the real cost to me was only about £2.5k per year as I wasn’t buying him food at home, my utility bills were far less and I wasn’t giving him pocket money or clothing allowance. All this offset the cost of halls by approx 50%. He worked every summer to return with an additional lump sum.

That's a good point

Gas and electric have gone up a lot, like everyone's has, but water bill has dropped 40% now I don't have a teenager showering for about 6 hours!

OP posts:
Greenpolkadot · 12/04/2023 23:07

He won't need to get a job if you are subsidising him

caringcarer · 12/04/2023 23:09

Not giving parents enough information of likely costs and enough time to save is the short falling of the school. When I was teaching our Sixth Form held University Finance Planning evenings for students and parents from Year 10 upwards, were invited. 2 such evenings each year.

cestlavielife · 12/04/2023 23:11

What is this
1500 cost of living grant

Who funds that?
Is it student loan or a grsnt for free?

ObiWanKanobi · 12/04/2023 23:11

caringcarer · 12/04/2023 22:58

I'd make him work during long summer break but not during term time. He should be using his time for study. For every hour he spends in a lecture he should be spending 3 or 4 hours in research and essay writing. I'd support him during term time but would make it up to my eldest son by giving him a cash lump sum to make it equal.

He can still work at weekends and have plenty of time left to study. I worked all the way through uni working weekends and picking up extra shifts in the holidays as my parents couldn't afford to help and I managed along with many other students.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 23:14

Tilllly · 12/04/2023 23:05

We were woefully uninformed

Show quote history

I’ve commented on another thread tonight where a poster was saying of course everyone knows you need to save for dc at uni from birth. The landscape has changed so much. When my yr 12 dc was born fees were only £1000 and everyone got minimum 75% maintenance loan. My big heads up was a colleague at work a few years ago expected to pay £500 a month. I think lots of people don’t realise system now expects significant parental contributions.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 23:16

cestlavielife · 12/04/2023 23:11

What is this
1500 cost of living grant

Who funds that?
Is it student loan or a grsnt for free?

Op has clarified it’s his student maintenance loan. He’s getting minimum loan if £4500 a year due to his parents income (other students can get £9700)

Sandunesandseashells · 12/04/2023 23:16

cestlavielife · 12/04/2023 23:11

What is this
1500 cost of living grant

Who funds that?
Is it student loan or a grsnt for free?

It’s part of the loan.

Sandunesandseashells · 12/04/2023 23:19

Tilllly · 12/04/2023 23:07

That's a good point

Gas and electric have gone up a lot, like everyone's has, but water bill has dropped 40% now I don't have a teenager showering for about 6 hours!

Show quote history

So maybe as a compromise, add up all the things you were paying/ he cost you whilst he lived at home and offer that for yr 2 and yr 3? That way he gets a contribution but you can feel you’re not shelling out extra.

cestlavielife · 12/04/2023 23:19

If hd gets the maXimum loan of 9k you do not need to top up
If hd is getting the minimum about 4.5 k then you do top up 400 a month say
if he is getting some aDditional special grant for cost of living as well (from where???) then take that off your contribution

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 23:20

caringcarer · 12/04/2023 23:09

Not giving parents enough information of likely costs and enough time to save is the short falling of the school. When I was teaching our Sixth Form held University Finance Planning evenings for students and parents from Year 10 upwards, were invited. 2 such evenings each year.

That’s good. It was only mentioned at start of sixth form yr 12 at dc’s school.

cestlavielife · 12/04/2023 23:22

Op has clarified it’s his student maintenance loan. He’s getting minimum loan if £4500 a year due to his parents income (other students can get £9700)

Ok
Then yes op should top up to max loan amount

SD1978 · 12/04/2023 23:23

You said you'd do it for a year. The fact that he has £500 a month, and is wasting it, isn't the point. I don't see how it's fair to back out of what you previously agreed to, because he isn't getting a job. Next year, it's all on him and if he has no job, he has nowhere to live.

Flossflower · 12/04/2023 23:25

I am quite shocked by some of the people who are expecting their children to work while at university. Neither of my children did as they had degrees that required them to be there all of the time. They only went out once a week! They worked during the holidays. .Even if students are not in lectures, they have background work to do. Being at university is and should be a full time job. I know Cambridge for instance does not allow its students to take jobs in term time.
Parents know this is coming so if they have to make a parental contribution, they should do so in full.
This is only being fair to your children. They deserve to have the time to study to get good grades as much as any other child.

L3ThirtySeven · 12/04/2023 23:31

caringcarer · 12/04/2023 23:09

Not giving parents enough information of likely costs and enough time to save is the short falling of the school. When I was teaching our Sixth Form held University Finance Planning evenings for students and parents from Year 10 upwards, were invited. 2 such evenings each year.

I haven’t said much on this thread, but I can’t agree with you and others saying it is the schools responsibility to inform parents that University costs money and if their DC may go to Uni, that they have 18yrs to save for that cost.

Where is the personal responsibility? Is it the midwife’s job to tell women at pregnancy scans that nappies and car seats and formula cost money and they have 8months to save for it? No!

So why are people even thinking that it’s the schools responsibility to tell parents in year whatever, hey mum and dad your kid is 10, you have 8 years to plan for University costs? You should know. You should plan as best you can. I understand if circumstances change and you can’t save due to misfortune, but to pretend you had no idea university would cost money and that as a parent you’d be expected to contribute is your own failing, not the school, not society.

Stomacharmeleon · 12/04/2023 23:32

Could he not work whilst he is home for summer and save the cash for the next year. Explain how tight things are and pay half each? He is likely to be around may- sept. Might make him realise he needs to contribute?

Flossflower · 12/04/2023 23:33

L3ThirtySeven · 12/04/2023 23:31

I haven’t said much on this thread, but I can’t agree with you and others saying it is the schools responsibility to inform parents that University costs money and if their DC may go to Uni, that they have 18yrs to save for that cost.

Where is the personal responsibility? Is it the midwife’s job to tell women at pregnancy scans that nappies and car seats and formula cost money and they have 8months to save for it? No!

So why are people even thinking that it’s the schools responsibility to tell parents in year whatever, hey mum and dad your kid is 10, you have 8 years to plan for University costs? You should know. You should plan as best you can. I understand if circumstances change and you can’t save due to misfortune, but to pretend you had no idea university would cost money and that as a parent you’d be expected to contribute is your own failing, not the school, not society.

Show quote history

Well said