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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep paying?

173 replies

Tilllly · 12/04/2023 18:55

DS is in first year at Uni

I said we'd pay for hall for up to a year whilst he found a job

So we're paying £1500 a term, and his £1500 cost of living grant is just for him
He has £500 a month spending money... and has nothing left, plus he's spent the £500 his GPs gave him "for emergencies" bless them!

I've said we're not paying next year. He's had ample time to find a job, plus wtf is he spending £500 a month on? I don't have that to spend. And whilst we're not desperately struggling, the hall costs aren't easy

There are 2 massive supermarkets, 15/20 mins away and he says there are no jobs
But it seems all his friends have jobs

DH thinks we should keep paying but I think he needs to bloody grow up

Am I really being that unreasonable? DS1 got a job and we'd bail him out when he was stuck. DS2 needs to do the same

OP posts:
HewasH2O · 12/04/2023 22:06

*secular39 · Today 19:06

It may be too late now. But I would stop paying for his uni fees so that he will be entitled to a full grant and a maintenance loan (approx, 3000 a term).*

Student finance is means tested based on household income. There are a few bursaries for health care related degrees, but the days of grants & being able to pick and choose how much to borrow are long gone.

cafenoirbiscuit · 12/04/2023 22:08

OP do you have £500 to yourself per month? Excluding rent and bills? Just to spend on food and beer? I don’t think so from what you’ve said.
your DS needs to realise that living costs money, and he has to step up and fend for himself a bit. You’re doing your fair share as it is.

Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 22:09

ThinWomansBrain · 12/04/2023 22:02

to what extent did he manage his budget/expenses pre university?
Just wondering if he has experience of managing his money, or it's all a bit new to him.

He didn't and doesn't
It drives me mad, he just spends whatever is in front of him

OP posts:
L3ThirtySeven · 12/04/2023 22:10

Tilllly · 12/04/2023 21:57

I'm thinking part of it is I'm irritated at his slapdash approach to money and no effort to get a job
So confused

Has there been no effort? From what I understand the competition for jobs in Uni towns these days is at hundreds of applicants per job.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 22:11

I’m just surprised this has only come up. Mine is yr 12 and like Op my dc will only get minimum maintenance loan.
We are saving and dc is working pt and saving.
Parents who can’t pay their contribution or will have more than one at Uni at once are having very frank conversations - look at northern Universities only, you’ll need to live at home and commute etc.

LocalHobo · 12/04/2023 22:11

Honestly, my DS would not have worked whilst at Uni. There really was lots going on (mostly social) and he had little routine.
He did work all through the Uni holidays, and there are a lot! The money he earned topped him up when he was back 'studying'.

HewasH2O · 12/04/2023 22:11

So teach him. Run through how much things cost and set out a budget for him. Consider making him pay his rent each term then send him a weekly amount of cash based on a reasonable budget.

CybermanAshad · 12/04/2023 22:11

Wait, do you give him £500 a month on top of paying his halls or is the £500 a month the cost of living grant?

You said he gets 1.5k a term. So 4.5k a year total.
That's 3 lots of 1.5k.
There 12 months in a year - so 1.5k has to last 4 months. That's £375 a month, not £500 a month.

Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 22:12

cafenoirbiscuit · 12/04/2023 22:08

OP do you have £500 to yourself per month? Excluding rent and bills? Just to spend on food and beer? I don’t think so from what you’ve said.
your DS needs to realise that living costs money, and he has to step up and fend for himself a bit. You’re doing your fair share as it is.

No
We don't have that much btwn us!

We are certainly not on the breadline and terrified that we can't pay the bills, but we are having to watch every penny and we cannot seem to get ahead to pay his hall of residence in advance so it has to go on the credit card and then I try and pay off before the next payment lands

I don't want to leave him to struggle, neither do I want us to struggle while he is just spending money having fun

OP posts:
toooldtobeamum · 12/04/2023 22:12

So you are struggling and living on a credit card and he has £500 expendable income monthly without working? Doesn't seem fair to me!
I worked all though 6th form and 3 years of university in the 90's. Survived on a grant and student loans.
If you can comfortably afford it then that's all well and good but from what you say you can't.
You said you would pay for 1 year and I would stick to it.
Make him pay for his phone etc too!

MrsJBaptiste · 12/04/2023 22:13

This is so confusing! This is what we do for DS1:

Minimum Student Finance loan = 4500 per year
We use this to pay Hall fees = 1500 per term
We then pay 400 per month to DS for living expenses (our own savings)

Is this not what you do, OP?

We've let DS have this first year job-free (none of his friends have jobs and after missing out due to Covid, we wanted him to go for it during this first year). However he's now looking for a job at home that he can hopefully then transfer to his Uni city.

Maray1967 · 12/04/2023 22:14

He needs to learn to live within his budget. We give ours £5k a year and he borrows the minimum £4300 or thereabouts which is all he is allowed to borrow. I don’t do extra food shopping for him. He works at Christmas and in the summer here at home (supermarket).

SueVineer · 12/04/2023 22:18

You are being unreasonable. £1500 a term isn’t that much and you are obliged to support him.

Hillary17 · 12/04/2023 22:21

Amazed by some of the responses here! You are not obligated to top his finances up to anything. It’s what many parents who earn enough do, but there’s no obligation. Ten years ago I received the minimum amount - my parents gave me £50 a month in the form of a Sainsbury’s gift voucher for food. I basically lived in a cupboard and worked 25 hours a week in a supermarket to get by! He should be getting a job!

HewasH2O · 12/04/2023 22:22

OP did you go to university yourself?

Are you treating both DS equitably?

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 22:23

How about dividing your parental contribution by 12 and paying monthly. Then no additional top ups/shopping/phone/Xbox. So he learns to budget. If he’ll need a lump sum for September accommodation it will focus him to work over summer if you aren’t stumping that up.
What is your area like for work? If he’s back over summer then he could fit in at least 12 weeks ft work.

rumnraisinrocks · 12/04/2023 22:24

Sorry to butt in but I'm curious, is the maintenance loan calculated each year based on parent's income at that time, rather than just at beginning of the course?

BowiesJumper · 12/04/2023 22:26

When I was at uni I worked full time in M&S every holiday and in term time worked behind the bar at the student Union. Has he tried all the local bars and pubs as well as the supermarkets and shops?

HewasH2O · 12/04/2023 22:31

rumnraisinrocks · 12/04/2023 22:24

Sorry to butt in but I'm curious, is the maintenance loan calculated each year based on parent's income at that time, rather than just at beginning of the course?

Most households don't have income that fluctuates wildly, so you are likely to get a similar level of maintenance loan each year. If your household income is over £65k there is no point in applying for anything over the minimum loan.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 22:37

Hillary17 · 12/04/2023 22:21

Amazed by some of the responses here! You are not obligated to top his finances up to anything. It’s what many parents who earn enough do, but there’s no obligation. Ten years ago I received the minimum amount - my parents gave me £50 a month in the form of a Sainsbury’s gift voucher for food. I basically lived in a cupboard and worked 25 hours a week in a supermarket to get by! He should be getting a job!

The maintenance loan system requires parental contribution unless parents household income under £25,000. There’s been a big campaign by Martin Lewis to make this explicit as some people are still unaware.
Obviously legally can’t force parent to pay. But the system assumes Op is topping him up. Their income prevents him getting full maintenance loan.
If you can’t or won’t pay your parents contribution then I do think time to have conversation is before Uni then teen can make decisions accordingly.
It’s a huge amount that parents are expected to fund. I don’t agree with system I think everyone should be able to borrow same and repay.

NalafromtheLionKing · 12/04/2023 22:38

I think that’s pretty stingey, agree with your DH on this one.

Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 22:39

SueVineer · 12/04/2023 22:18

You are being unreasonable. £1500 a term isn’t that much and you are obliged to support him.

It might not be that much to you but it is massive to us

OP posts:
Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 22:41

HewasH2O · 12/04/2023 22:22

OP did you go to university yourself?

Are you treating both DS equitably?

Yes, back in the days of full grants!
My parents were affluent so I got a tiny grant, and a horrible shock when they told me to get a job! I had some awful jobs! In hindsight, they'd not have seen me starve but I think there seemed to be loads of part time jobs about then

OP posts:
Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 22:42

rumnraisinrocks · 12/04/2023 22:24

Sorry to butt in but I'm curious, is the maintenance loan calculated each year based on parent's income at that time, rather than just at beginning of the course?

We've been doing his student finance application for next year, and they wanted our P60 earnings

OP posts:
Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 22:44

BowiesJumper · 12/04/2023 22:26

When I was at uni I worked full time in M&S every holiday and in term time worked behind the bar at the student Union. Has he tried all the local bars and pubs as well as the supermarkets and shops?

No, he just says there's no jobs and he's looked

But his Uni friends all seem to work and he's been catching up with school friends these hols and they all seem to have jobs

OP posts: