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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep paying?

173 replies

Tilllly · 12/04/2023 18:55

DS is in first year at Uni

I said we'd pay for hall for up to a year whilst he found a job

So we're paying £1500 a term, and his £1500 cost of living grant is just for him
He has £500 a month spending money... and has nothing left, plus he's spent the £500 his GPs gave him "for emergencies" bless them!

I've said we're not paying next year. He's had ample time to find a job, plus wtf is he spending £500 a month on? I don't have that to spend. And whilst we're not desperately struggling, the hall costs aren't easy

There are 2 massive supermarkets, 15/20 mins away and he says there are no jobs
But it seems all his friends have jobs

DH thinks we should keep paying but I think he needs to bloody grow up

Am I really being that unreasonable? DS1 got a job and we'd bail him out when he was stuck. DS2 needs to do the same

OP posts:
snuoppp · 12/04/2023 19:56

@Tilllly not read the whole thread but I do think 500 a month is hardly loads. A weekly shop would be 40 minimum, that’s without things like shampoo, razors etc that you need from time to time. Add to that any minor transport costs, even 20 quid a month, he’s left with around 40/50 quid a week for clothes (appreciate not every week), any socialising and any day to day costs like a coffee or sandwich when out.

Obviously if you can’t afford it that’s another thing but expecting him to fund the 500 a month himself is a bit cruel IMO. Wouldn’t it be better to just reduce it to 300, when he’s got a job? And no it’s not that easy to find a job, I was very hard working (for money!) at uni and granted it was a while back but jobs weren’t dropping in your lap as there’s so many students to do them.

snuoppp · 12/04/2023 19:58

Bramshott · 12/04/2023 19:50

If you explained that you would only support him temporarily and that he'd have to get a job, then I guess you should stick to that.

But, parents paying for accommodation and then students living off the minimum loan is pretty normal and not some kind of extreme laziness/luxury lifestyle. Personally I would rather DD takes all the opportunities she can whilst she's at uni, and she's pretty busy studying, joining societies and having fun which we are happy to support. There are lots of years in life for working...

@Bramshott totally agree with this

cadburyegg · 12/04/2023 20:08

He isn't getting a job because he doesn't need to. He's happy living on £500 a month

YANBU

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 12/04/2023 20:08

£4500 is only the minimum maintenance loan isn't it? The maximum maintenace loan is over £9000. It does sound as if he could also get a job but I would aim to taper it rather than cut it off if he is only getting £4500 a year. Also consider that the cost of living is more now than when your eldest went and loans have not kept up with inflation.

BoojaBooj2 · 12/04/2023 20:10

snuoppp · 12/04/2023 19:56

@Tilllly not read the whole thread but I do think 500 a month is hardly loads. A weekly shop would be 40 minimum, that’s without things like shampoo, razors etc that you need from time to time. Add to that any minor transport costs, even 20 quid a month, he’s left with around 40/50 quid a week for clothes (appreciate not every week), any socialising and any day to day costs like a coffee or sandwich when out.

Obviously if you can’t afford it that’s another thing but expecting him to fund the 500 a month himself is a bit cruel IMO. Wouldn’t it be better to just reduce it to 300, when he’s got a job? And no it’s not that easy to find a job, I was very hard working (for money!) at uni and granted it was a while back but jobs weren’t dropping in your lap as there’s so many students to do them.

£40 weekly for a student? Do you expect him to be shopping in Waitrose and making lamb chops for dinner every night?
They already fill his fridge and freezer at the start of each term.

Btw OP I do think PP have a point about letting your kids enjoy their life at uni - only if a) they're making the most of it and b) you can afford it.

Regarding a) there's plenty of time for socialising and playing on his Xbox as a graduate with his first job - on a graduate salary, which is the point of attending uni. There's plenty spare when you don't have kids. If all he's doing is 'socialising' and playing on his Xbox I wouldn't be happy. At least volunteering, fundraising/running society activities etc will give him useful experience on his CV.

Regarding b) I'm guessing you're not well off if he has the full loan, unless you fudged your income like my self-employed FIL. Great for parents to bankroll their kids if they can afford it. But it's a privilege not a right. Especially with COL you shouldn't be sacrificing yourself to enable his fun.

snuoppp · 12/04/2023 20:13

BoojaBooj2 · 12/04/2023 20:10

£40 weekly for a student? Do you expect him to be shopping in Waitrose and making lamb chops for dinner every night?
They already fill his fridge and freezer at the start of each term.

Btw OP I do think PP have a point about letting your kids enjoy their life at uni - only if a) they're making the most of it and b) you can afford it.

Regarding a) there's plenty of time for socialising and playing on his Xbox as a graduate with his first job - on a graduate salary, which is the point of attending uni. There's plenty spare when you don't have kids. If all he's doing is 'socialising' and playing on his Xbox I wouldn't be happy. At least volunteering, fundraising/running society activities etc will give him useful experience on his CV.

Regarding b) I'm guessing you're not well off if he has the full loan, unless you fudged your income like my self-employed FIL. Great for parents to bankroll their kids if they can afford it. But it's a privilege not a right. Especially with COL you shouldn't be sacrificing yourself to enable his fun.

Show quote history

@BoojaBooj2 there’s no discount on food for being a student? 🤔 why would his food cost less than ours? Not sure where you shop but 40 quid a week doesn’t get you far.

GleamingGoldenTresses · 12/04/2023 20:20

secular39 · 12/04/2023 19:06

It may be too late now. But I would stop paying for his uni fees so that he will be entitled to a full grant and a maintenance loan (approx, 3000 a term).

That doesn’t work anymore, it’s means tested on parents income. Even if you wanted the full loan, you won’t get it, if your parents work and earn money, even if they have no spare k money because of their outgoings

Justalittlebitduckling · 12/04/2023 20:20

MsVestibule · 12/04/2023 18:59

So what is the £500 supposed to cover? Food, clothes, socialising, books? Does he run a car? I wouldn't want him to starve so would probably give him £100pm for food - it might focus his mind on finding a job!

Yes, this. Maybe make a plan to taper the money off rather than cliff edge.

Babyroobs · 12/04/2023 20:27

Tilllly · 12/04/2023 19:19

I am sorry if I was not clear

The 1500 we are paying is per term for his hall of residence

He gets 1500 cost of living grant per term - food and socialising

The university fees, are part of his student loan to be paid back when he is earning enough after university

Show quote history

We are doing similar op but our ds3 didn't spend all his loan so after we paid the first terms accommodation in full, he did start paying some of the accommodation out of his loan. Apart from travelling up North once a month to meet up with his gf, he does not seem to go out a lot, so not spending money on partying, but like your ds has found it very hard to get motivated to get a job. We have let him off this first year due to settling in and he's not been particularly happy at his Uni, but he absolutely knows he needs to find a job this summer. I'm not sure there are always an abundance of jobs around though as we are led to believe. If it's any consolation my friends ds has burnt through 10k of savings in his first two terms at Uni and my ds1 burnt through around 5k of child trust fund savings in his first year and apart from fancy weekends away with his gf could not really account for where it went.. Some young adults just seem to go crazy.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 20:29

If he gets a full maintenance loan you are on a very low income so the £4500 you’ve given him yr 1 is very generous.
I’d stick to your plans and make it clear to him he needs to work.
Working Full-time even min wage over summer he can build up a decent buffer for yr2.

TooBored1 · 12/04/2023 20:43

Tilllly · 12/04/2023 19:52

He gets a full maintenance loan, we are not required to make up the difference

Show quote history

Isn't the full loan over £9k per year? I thought the £4.5k loan was on the understanding that parents would contribute the rest?

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 12/04/2023 20:54

snuoppp · 12/04/2023 20:13

@BoojaBooj2 there’s no discount on food for being a student? 🤔 why would his food cost less than ours? Not sure where you shop but 40 quid a week doesn’t get you far.

Show quote history

40 a week! Our budget is 70 and we are a family of 4. 40 is loads

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 12/04/2023 20:55

snuoppp · 12/04/2023 19:56

@Tilllly not read the whole thread but I do think 500 a month is hardly loads. A weekly shop would be 40 minimum, that’s without things like shampoo, razors etc that you need from time to time. Add to that any minor transport costs, even 20 quid a month, he’s left with around 40/50 quid a week for clothes (appreciate not every week), any socialising and any day to day costs like a coffee or sandwich when out.

Obviously if you can’t afford it that’s another thing but expecting him to fund the 500 a month himself is a bit cruel IMO. Wouldn’t it be better to just reduce it to 300, when he’s got a job? And no it’s not that easy to find a job, I was very hard working (for money!) at uni and granted it was a while back but jobs weren’t dropping in your lap as there’s so many students to do them.

Cruel? He can get a job. Like most students

BoojaBooj2 · 12/04/2023 20:57

snuoppp · 12/04/2023 20:13

@BoojaBooj2 there’s no discount on food for being a student? 🤔 why would his food cost less than ours? Not sure where you shop but 40 quid a week doesn’t get you far.

Show quote history

Surely it's obvious that feeding one person is cheaper than multiple?
Besides that students are also flexible enough to take advantage of yellow sticker discounts and the like.
When the DC are away bill for 2 of us, food and toiletries is £110 for 2 weeks. We shop at Morrisons/ALDI so not the cheapest. That's £55 for two people a week, you do the maths.
As his parents fill his fridge/freezer he also probably has a good stock of seasonings etc already.

Ella6 · 12/04/2023 21:07

BoojaBooj2 · 12/04/2023 20:57

Surely it's obvious that feeding one person is cheaper than multiple?
Besides that students are also flexible enough to take advantage of yellow sticker discounts and the like.
When the DC are away bill for 2 of us, food and toiletries is £110 for 2 weeks. We shop at Morrisons/ALDI so not the cheapest. That's £55 for two people a week, you do the maths.
As his parents fill his fridge/freezer he also probably has a good stock of seasonings etc already.

Show quote history

£55 to feed two people, three meals a day, for a week, including toiletries? Nope.

Ella6 · 12/04/2023 21:08

TooBored1 · 12/04/2023 20:43

Isn't the full loan over £9k per year? I thought the £4.5k loan was on the understanding that parents would contribute the rest?

Show quote history

It is…

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 21:13

Ella6 · 12/04/2023 21:08

It is…

Show quote history

I’m confused. Op is he getting full £9,700 maintenance loan and you’ve given him £4500 on top?

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 12/04/2023 21:13

"Bloody grow up", "get a bloody job" (in a supermarket - why would they want term time only students OP?)

He's not getting the full maintenance loan, he's getting the minimum. Martin Lewis did a good explanation of this for parents

Ella6 · 12/04/2023 21:21

Tilllly · 12/04/2023 19:52

He gets a full maintenance loan, we are not required to make up the difference

Show quote history

It seems he gets the minimum, and yes, you are supposed to make up the difference…

Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 21:29

Ok, I'm confused

He gets about £1500 per term grant
His accommodation is £1500 which we're currently paying
We can manage it, but it's tight

I thought the £1500 grant was standard, is that not the case? Am I supposed to be topping it up?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 21:30

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 12/04/2023 21:13

"Bloody grow up", "get a bloody job" (in a supermarket - why would they want term time only students OP?)

He's not getting the full maintenance loan, he's getting the minimum. Martin Lewis did a good explanation of this for parents

Can you link me?

OP posts:
HewasH2O · 12/04/2023 21:30

You seem to be very confused about student finance. A student in England living away from home will typically get the maximum loan of approximately £9k each year or the minimum loan of £4.5k. Their parents are expected to top up the minimum loan to the maximum level.

If you are paying his rent of £4.5k and he has £1.5k per term, he would appear to be receiving the minimum loan. Of he is receiving the maximum maintenance loan, but you can afford to top him up by £4.5I pa you have probably filled in Student Finance incorrectly.

He isn't at school anymore, so he won't be on tutorials or lectures all day every day. He is meant to be studying for his degree himself with self directed learning. A history degrees predominantly reading around the subject and writing essays.

Itsamission25 · 12/04/2023 21:30

They are making up the difference by paying the halls ?

HewasH2O · 12/04/2023 21:33

His hall fees sound very cheap. Many would be at least £6k pa.

Original poster
Tilllly · 12/04/2023 21:34

HewasH2O · 12/04/2023 21:30

You seem to be very confused about student finance. A student in England living away from home will typically get the maximum loan of approximately £9k each year or the minimum loan of £4.5k. Their parents are expected to top up the minimum loan to the maximum level.

If you are paying his rent of £4.5k and he has £1.5k per term, he would appear to be receiving the minimum loan. Of he is receiving the maximum maintenance loan, but you can afford to top him up by £4.5I pa you have probably filled in Student Finance incorrectly.

He isn't at school anymore, so he won't be on tutorials or lectures all day every day. He is meant to be studying for his degree himself with self directed learning. A history degrees predominantly reading around the subject and writing essays.

I think I am

DH did that part with him - and definitely did not fudge it. We wouldn't be dishonest about our income

It's just it's hard to meet the £500 a month, we're managing but need to use credit card as it's literally taking any extra cash

OP posts: