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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my bf shouldn't have dumped me for sending his Mum a letter

83 replies

brokenheartedvalentine · 14/02/2008 19:31

We fell out in september over something silly and I sent some texts to his mums phone. I offered to write and apologise (I was reallly sorry for dragging her into it) when he found out but he told me to leave it.

The other week he mooted my seing her again and possibly getting re-engaged (this was called off at Christmas since he refused to tell his parents cos I have a dd and he lied to them about her when we first met ). I duly presented myself at his flat last weekend but we didn't go around there since his mum was upset over something else. I decided to try and break the ice myself and wrote a letter apologising to her for what I'd done and asking for a fresh start. she got it today and rang him in a flap - she was going to a funeral which I wasn't aware of but I feel it's an overraeaction. It wasn't easy to write this letter or to post it - I carried it around for a week before I did.

upshot is I've been dumped and forbidden to contact him or her again. I just wanted to put things right - hell, be friends with her. I've been friends with ex bfs mums so why not her? i'm not really a pushy person even though it sounds like it.

I'm so unhappy now.

OP posts:
posieflump · 14/02/2008 19:40

I would leave it tbh

The fact he lied about your dd speaks volumes

Lulumama · 14/02/2008 19:43

nothing you can do

if he lied about you having a DD and broke off your engagement over something silly, you might well have had a lucky escape

why do you want to be friends with her? her son is not in your life anymore, i thikn you need to move on

Lulumama · 14/02/2008 19:43

did you send nasty texts to his mum?

SSSandy2 · 14/02/2008 19:46

was there something in the texts you sent to his mum's phone when you broke up which is likely to have strongly upset her?

I think the thing to do is step back here. If he gets back in touch within say the next 3 weeks (give yourself a time line), I would want the relationship to be on a clear footing, otherwise I would try not to get sucked back into it. It does all sound a bit strange.

SSSandy2 · 14/02/2008 19:47

ah snap

mrsruffallo · 14/02/2008 19:51

Why were you texting his mum? I wouldn't be happy with that

ScruffyTeddy · 14/02/2008 19:59

How long were you together? and if you dont mind me asking, how old are you both?

Original poster
brokenheartedvalentine · 14/02/2008 23:08

nearly 2 years and I sent a text he'd sent me to his Mum last Sept which referenced our engagement. he refused to tell his parents until he'd told thema about my dd and there was never a right time or so it seeemed.

I wanted to be friends or on friendly terms, with his Mum as that's normal-ish isn't?

Not talking about being buddy buddy but speaking terms would be good .

he's 37 in August

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenheartedvalentine · 14/02/2008 23:11

apparently his mum is highly-strung.

no consideration I might have feelings.

OP posts:
madamez · 14/02/2008 23:12

Leave him alone, move on. He doesn;t sound worth the bother, really and you can't make people accept you if they don't want to.

NoBiggy · 14/02/2008 23:15

Oh, walk away.

I expected you to say he was 22 or similar. He's old enough to behave better. He kept your DD secret for two years? Odd, odd, odd.

If the only connection between you and his mum is him, you need not worry about maintaining a relationship with her.

Rhubarb · 14/02/2008 23:19

Perhaps he feels that you took away an element of control? He wanted to be able to tell his mum in his way when he wanted to, and no matter how much that hurts, I guess that is his prerogative. But you forced his hand with your texts and letter. You revealed things she didn't know on the eve of a funeral (not your fault, you weren't to know), but he now sees you as a meddler.

I would possibly steer clear from taking things into your own hands again, however from his reaction I would also say that you've had a lucky escape. He's obviously a very weak man who is incapable of making decisions and standing by those he loves.

dippydeedoo · 14/02/2008 23:20

i think you are better off out of it ....if he didnt reveal your daughter for 2 years!!! and his mum flaps over a letter then its not worth the hassle tbh .......next time dont worry about the mum lol.....

Saturn74 · 14/02/2008 23:21

Sorry you are upset, but in the long run I think you have had a lucky escape.

Original poster
brokenheartedvalentine · 14/02/2008 23:24

the letter was apologising for the texts, nothing else.

She doesn't know as far as I know (i've not told her anyrate) but she may have guessed about dd.

OP posts:
Lilmo · 14/02/2008 23:29

hi

BroccoliSpears · 14/02/2008 23:32

Stuff him.

What? Is he embarrassed that you have a daughter? Ashamed?

You don't need this man in your life. You can do better than that.

Original poster
brokenheartedvalentine · 14/02/2008 23:38

He was asked if I had a child and he said no, so then he couldn't fess up yes i did have a child since then he'd have to admit he lied.

apparently he dated other single mothers before and his mum is very judgemental as of course all single mums are no better than they should be . dare i add that she comes from a small village from a country attached to england?

god i must sound pathetic.

OP posts:
BroccoliSpears · 14/02/2008 23:42

You don't sound pathetic, just a little down on yourself.

He needs to grow a backbone and untie the apron strings. He's nearly 40 and worried about what his mother thinks of his girlfriend? Hmm.

Just reading your OP again... it's his decision to get re-engaged... "forbidden to contact him or her^...

I honestly think you sound well out of it.

WiiMii · 14/02/2008 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flibbertyjibbet · 14/02/2008 23:46

Blimey he was acting like a married man as if you are the mistress and his mum the wife! 'its not the right time' 'don't contact her'.
A boyfriend who keeps major parts of your life hidden from his mum, and who freaks when you contact his mum, is not the right man for you. You deserve someone who will shout from the rooftops about how wonderful you and your dd are.

Original poster
brokenheartedvalentine · 14/02/2008 23:48

I'm sitting here arguing with myself

I wish I could have subverted my nature to his then I might have been happy but I can't. I will stand up to people if I think that they are wrong and this is the result. I think I'm going to take my tears to bed since I have to work tomorrow .

OP posts:
themoon66 · 14/02/2008 23:49

Does he still live with his mother? He sounds very much like a 37 year old bloke I know who has been out with single mothers and lives near the Welsh borders. Wonder if it's same bloke

violetskies · 14/02/2008 23:50

Have you posted about your fella before? because I think I read about when your engagement broke up. I thought your fella sounded dominated by his mother then and wrong to deny your daughter and I still do. I really think that if at 37, he can't stand up to his mother then he is not much of a man and certainly not the man for you and your daughter to have in your lives. Sorry for sounding harsh.

WiiMii · 14/02/2008 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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