Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my bf shouldn't have dumped me for sending his Mum a letter

83 replies

brokenheartedvalentine · 14/02/2008 19:31

We fell out in september over something silly and I sent some texts to his mums phone. I offered to write and apologise (I was reallly sorry for dragging her into it) when he found out but he told me to leave it.

The other week he mooted my seing her again and possibly getting re-engaged (this was called off at Christmas since he refused to tell his parents cos I have a dd and he lied to them about her when we first met ). I duly presented myself at his flat last weekend but we didn't go around there since his mum was upset over something else. I decided to try and break the ice myself and wrote a letter apologising to her for what I'd done and asking for a fresh start. she got it today and rang him in a flap - she was going to a funeral which I wasn't aware of but I feel it's an overraeaction. It wasn't easy to write this letter or to post it - I carried it around for a week before I did.

upshot is I've been dumped and forbidden to contact him or her again. I just wanted to put things right - hell, be friends with her. I've been friends with ex bfs mums so why not her? i'm not really a pushy person even though it sounds like it.

I'm so unhappy now.

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenheartedvalentine · 14/02/2008 23:51

No he doesn't live with his parents - his two brothers still do (at 37 and 34). They're all under petticoat rule.

OP posts:
Moomin · 14/02/2008 23:52

No, IMHO, it's not particularly normal to be friends with your ex's mum, unless she was your MIL for some time, grandmother to your dc and you still see her because of that.

Keep this thread saved somewhere, walk away from this messy situation and then look back on the thread again in a few months time when you've moved on. You'll realise you are lucky being out of it.

Original poster
brokenheartedvalentine · 14/02/2008 23:54

I wanted to be friends with her when she was my bf's mum, not now he's my x.

sorry if that's a bit vague in the OP.

OP posts:
Desiderata · 14/02/2008 23:54

What's your relationship like with your own mum, bhv? Is she still around?

Moomin · 14/02/2008 23:57

OK, I see. But it's all water under the bridge now and to go back even if it's to apologise is just raking it all up again. Sometimes you just have to accept that people might have got the wrong idea about you - but you have to move on. That person isn't in your life anymore so it really doesn't matter. I know it might not seem that way at the moment but it's true. Concentrate on yourself and your dd - other posters are right: your ex sounds like a muppet. And get yourself off to bed for some shut-eye now!

Original poster
brokenheartedvalentine · 14/02/2008 23:59

yes my mum is still very much around. we get on fine most of the time.

im not looking for a parental replacement. i guess i thought i was being nice. evidently it was mis-placed.

OP posts:
Desiderata · 15/02/2008 00:16

In which case, move on and forget. They sound like small-minded people, and the world is so damned big.

You wouldn't be happy with a bloke like that.

MAMAZON · 15/02/2008 00:18

you should not have sent his mum texts, you shouldn't have sent a letter if he asked you not to.
but the fact that he lied about you having a child and his seemingly controling behaviour should be enough for you to feel glad its over and had a safe escape.

hecate · 15/02/2008 08:08

Ok, well, you shouldn't have ignored his request and tried to force contact and force his hand - that was only ever going to end badly. However, it's disturbing to the point of being creepy for a man to be that much of a mummy's boy. I think you are well out of it, tbvh!

hecate · 15/02/2008 08:10

oh, meant to say...he didn't dump you for sending his mum a letter. He dumped you for ignoring his wishes (well, instructions really!)

Like I say - you're well out of it.

ScruffyTeddy · 15/02/2008 18:31

Oh I agree, well out of it. What kind of 37 year old man is scared to tell his mum he's (shock horror) dating a lady with a child? Shame on his mum for judging someone for being a single mother too, I guess her life is perfect .

Not nice people. Your child isnt a dirty secret and neither are you. Be glad you didnt end up with someone so spineless.

yurt1 · 15/02/2008 18:44

God you sound better off out of it. Run. Lucky escape.

coolkat · 15/02/2008 18:58

I agree with Yurt and it also sounds like you care what others think about you to much. Somthing I am guilty of.

Forget it and don't look back you sound like you deserve more. X

chipmonkey · 15/02/2008 19:03

If his Mum thinks that at 37, he should restrict himself to women without children, she may very well be surprised at how such women are thin on the ground!

clam · 15/02/2008 19:19

"I wish I could have subverted my nature to his then I might have been happy" I don't think so! How could you even consider doing that? If he can't cope with you as you are, then it's a no-go. Leave it and move on.

lucyellensmum · 15/02/2008 20:11

Sounds to me like his mummy wants him all to himself!

Moomin · 16/02/2008 08:32

Project yourself 15-20 years and imagine your daughter is saying these things about an ex-boyfriend and his clearly disfunctional and unhealthy relationship with his mother. You'd be horrified.

and would you really want him to be your dd's step-dad... and that woman as her step-gran? No, you really are best out of it. I hope you feel a bit better about it all soon.

SupportiveBut · 16/02/2008 13:19

It was obviously all wrong. Read the book Just Not That Into You: Your Daily Wake-up Call If nothing else it will make you laugh, but it should hopefully also help you to see this really wasn't right for you. I wish I had had this book 15 years ago.

SheikYerbouti · 16/02/2008 13:32

He sounds like a nobboid

Leave him, and commit yourself to someone who isn't ashamed that you have a beautiful daughter. (Easier said than done, I know, but this guy sounds like a class A dicksplash)

Original poster
brokenheartedvalentine · 16/02/2008 19:22

Thank you for your comments. i've had time to mull things over now and you are right.

FWIW, he rang me last night and admitted that both he and his mother overreacted!! He broke his phone after he spoke to me as she'd rang him in a flap. Later on, she told him the letter was nothing offensive and she didn't mind at all (she thought it a bit odd but nothing to get her knickers in a twist about).

He asked to come and see me this weekend (as we had previously arranged) or failing that I might be able to pop around hers in a few weeks time but I told him not to bother in light of recent events!!

Plus I went shopping today and spent loads of money on some new clothes for myself. Sounds a bit shallow but I feel a lot better now.

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenheartedvalentine · 16/02/2008 19:23

And I won't be seeing him again .

OP posts:
Lulumama · 16/02/2008 19:25

good for you !!! make yourself feel fabulous and concentrate on yourself, then hopefully a wonderful , mature man will come along and you will have a great time together!

Original poster
brokenheartedvalentine · 24/02/2008 20:45

I hate to drag this up again but after a few days I'm finding it hard to cope in the aftermath.

My ex bf suggested that I need anger management (I must admit that my temper has deterioted in the time I've known him and I do fly off the handle at the slightest, slightest provocation but I'm not allowed to protest when he does the same to me which is surely a sign of toxic relationship?) and also a mental health assessment due to the same. I don't think I'm mad but would my dr laugh if I go to him and ask for a referral to a therapist? If it would generally help me (even though I am currently wanting my ex back to give me one more chance) then I would go but I'm a bit afraid that I'll end up on anti-ds which I don't think is really the problem. Sorry if this is rather dull to read.

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenheartedvalentine · 24/02/2008 20:47

I can't imagine a reconciliation happening and neither would it be healthy but I still can't help hoping...

I know it's futile and I am punishing myself.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 24/02/2008 20:49

any treatment or anger management or therapy should be done for you, not to please an ex. saying that you are 'not allowed' to do certain things in a relationship is not healthy

if he is your ex and you do not have DCs together, there is no reason for you to be in contact with him, delete his number, don;t answer the phone to him, delete any emails etc, you owe him nothing

concentrate on making a positive new life for yourself withouth him

Swipe left for the next trending thread