to think my bf shouldn't have dumped me for sending his Mum a letter

[brokenheartedvalentine]

We fell out in september over something silly and I sent some texts to his mums phone. I offered to write and apologise (I was reallly sorry for dragging her into it) when he found out but he told me to leave it.

The other week he mooted my seing her again and possibly getting re-engaged (this was called off at Christmas since he refused to tell his parents cos I have a dd and he lied to them about her when we first met ). I duly presented myself at his flat last weekend but we didn't go around there since his mum was upset over something else. I decided to try and break the ice myself and wrote a letter apologising to her for what I'd done and asking for a fresh start. she got it today and rang him in a flap - she was going to a funeral which I wasn't aware of but I feel it's an overraeaction. It wasn't easy to write this letter or to post it - I carried it around for a week before I did.

upshot is I've been dumped and forbidden to contact him or her again. I just wanted to put things right - hell, be friends with her. I've been friends with ex bfs mums so why not her? i'm not really a pushy person even though it sounds like it.

I'm so unhappy now.

I feel so down at the moment, I'd happily go to a therapist if it would help clear my head . I guess this is my anger coming out and now I can't express it to him (not that I was really able to do that for a long time anyway) my mind is going in all directions.

go to the docs, and ask for a referral, or if you can afford it, find a private therapist/ counsellor. expressing your anger to him would not be helpful ultimately , you need a clean break

He lies to his parents about you having a child - and thinks you are the one who needs therapy??? I agree with lulu - look for counselling if you think it will help you, rather than your chances of getting this ex back.

Whenever I've stood up to him in the past, he hasn't taken my protests about treating me right seriously, he just kept saying that I was incapable of earning my own living, supporting my own child, being stupid to get pg outside of marriage with no support system in place etc and he wanted to put me 'in my cat basket' as when I first got to now him, I tended to take a lot of naps (Ok, I was lazy) and he wanted me to be kept by him even when I'd cleaned up my act and got a perm job. So then I've done silly things like write his Mum (even though that was well-intenioned, it went sour) so my anger got worse since I didn't feel as though he was giving me any credence. I should have walked away then.... but I opted to stay thinking it would get better. Now my mind is all over the place since I wish I'd taken steps earlier.

And the last posting makes no sense whatsoever .

Am I being a bit ott in wondering if therapy would help me? It's not going to get him back, change what happende or suddenly make things right. I know I deserve better. I guess I want him to know that he should have treated me better but that's useless isn't it?

no point doing this to change him... or to change what happened, this is all about the future......and most people could probably do with a bit of therapy!

you don;t need to prove anything to him or anyone else, just to yourself that you are not a lazy, useless person

Yes I guess so. I think I'm angry that I wasted time in trying to fix it and I did care about him so it's kind of wasted me being in love with him and also at the back of my mind I feel a bit used we slept together . I know it sounds 'abandoned wife' sort of thing but we did have some good times togehter - no insults etc but it all began to detoriate when he wanted me to move in but I wasn't ready/found excuses not to.

Can I just ask the doc for a referal to a therapist in a normal appt then? And they do keep stuff confidential don't they? I really feel knocked for six at the mo

Oh, poor love. It's rubbish when a relationship ends, especially one where someone is always trying to make you feel crap about yourself, you inevitably feel it's all your fault, and if only . .

Go to the Dr if you feel you need to, but only for yourself. Also, do what you can to get your endorphines flowing! How old is your DD again? Can you get out to get lots of exercise & fresh air? Long walks? It really does do wonders for your mood.

of course you can. it is totally confidential and you do not need to feel odd about it, lots of people use therapy and counselling for all sorts of reasons.

What you need therapy in my love is how to improve your self esteem, assertiveness, building your inner confidence.

He seems to pin all the blame for faults in the relationship on you. Relationships are a two way thing but yours is all his way.

Go to a bookshop and buy a stack of self help books, read them all, come on mumnset everyday asking 'please remind me that I'm a wonderful person and I don't need this tosser'

Whenever you start worrying about what he thinks of you, stop and ask yourself what does it matter what a complete wanker thinks of you.

I am so ANGRY that he suggests you get a mental health assessment - unless its to confirm that you are barmy to keep thinking he is worth worrying about.

I wish I could be as eloquent as Flibberty. I agree totally.

I have got that Lundy book about controlling/abusive men - it was quite hard to read that all the way through since I kept finding parallels but I imagine with a self-help book, that would be easy to happen. I actually brandished it at him once - this was on holiday last year! - but he just laughed and said I was trying to control him, not the other way around . Is it possible to get addicted to being treated badly?

Yes, you end up with a totally distorted view of what is normal, and end up accepting crap.

It's the parallel of someone driving a car, which constantly but imperceptibly gets worse & worse - brakes go, steering wonky etc. You don't notice, until you test drive a new car, and then you realise!

Go and test-drive a new chap. You may be pleasantly surprised!

No you don't get addicted to being treated badly, its just sooo hard to shake off years of being treated like that, that when someone starts doing it again, a voice in your head says that its ok to accept it, cos thats the kind of behaviour you are used to.
Took me years of living on my own, not having boyfriends but studying and working hard, ie building up my self esteem outside of relationships.
I believe (ain't hindsight a great thing) that you can't be loved properly until you really love yourself. When I was insecure and a doormat, people trampled all over my feelings and walked all over me. I think you give off signals that you can be treated like that and the men who like insecure doormats pick up on it. You really have to be confident in yourself and in the treatment that you expect others to give you, before you can be in a completely equal relationship.

Glad to hear you think I am eloquent unfortunately its all from hard experience . 17 years on from leaving my ex, last week someone came up to me saying 'I know you' it was my next door neighbour from when I lived with ex. Left me unsettled and weepy for a couple of days.

Its hard to shake off bad treatment and move on but take today as day one and it will all start happening for you.

Sorry to go on! Would be quicker for you to read a self help book!

The odd thing is that I've never usually put up with cr*p in relationships - either party has ended it, a few tears and move on.

Last night he was even talking about us getting married in May, quietly and him keeping me (I didn't give him an answer as marriage ain't the answer). Now today he was saying that I'm mental and that he's scared of me .

I remember a discussion with exp about getting married about a week before I left him. He used to bring it up every now and again to make me feel like he loved me.
But if he loved me he would have let me be myself and treated me right, yes?
Could you possibly marry, and become financially dependent upon a man who says you need a mental health assessment???

Presumably the getting married quietly is so he doesn't have to tell his mum (sorry!) but like I said earlier if this man loves you and wants to marry and keep you, he would be shouting it from the rooftops.

Keep repeating to yourself 'no matter what you do or say to me, I am still a worthwhile person', and take a tip from Janet Street Porters book, every morning when you get up, say 'I am brilliant' to yourself 10 times!

I've just come into this thread, firstly you are well shot of him.

Right, abusive men are addictive. It's been just over 4 years since I left my husband but I think about him all the time, I found out he's married and had a baby boy at Christmas. I slightly feel sorry for the woman and child, but part of me feels jealous, not of their relationship I'm not really sure what of tbh. It takes a lot to stop yourself from going back there and you have to make it a daily decision.

This man was most definately abusive. Read what you have written and substitute it for a sister, best friend, daughter etc and ask yourself what you would do if it was her. My new BIL is treating my sister badly (not like this or how I was) and I am getting really mad about it, so far I'm keeping quiet, but I know I will do something if it gets worse. You are worth more than any of those women because you are you, you are the only you you have and you have to live with you for a long time. We have for a long time put ourselves last, it has come from a religious time when people took "love your neighbour as yourself" to mean you loved them more, but you can't love your neighbour if you don't love yourself - religious or not.

I don't agree with anyone who said you shouldn't have written to his mother or tried to make contact. If I was engaged to a man I would want to know my prospective MIL and I would hope she would want to know me. You are going to be part of this woman's life for a long time, give her grandkids and the man you love loves her and that makes her someone special. Also she has shaped the man you love and want to marry. If my fiancee was keeping us seperate I would make efforts to see her.

As for therapy, it is no wonder your anger has gotten worse while you have been with him, I know mine did and then I got into another abusive relationship and it got worse again. With TD (TinkerbellesDad) my temper is now quick when things are down because I'm defending myself from what I percieve as a potential threat. I am having help with it but there are other problems here. Your ex said you need therapy as a way of getting at you and carrying on his control by making you question yourself as a mother. Whether you actually get therapy is your decision. You have just come out of an abusive relationship and councelling could be helpful to you to help you to deal with it and to sort your temper out if it is still a problem when he's not involved. Speaking to your GP is the first step and if you haven't told anyone else it would be good for you to actually say the words out loud to someone.

BTW if you are depressed (which you could be after that and if you are it's his fault) or have anger management issues (same as before), it doesn't make you mad. What would be mad is staying or going back to him. If you do that then you really will need assessment.

Oh the marriage bit is definitely a bribe or some sort of trick to make me dependent on him since there is no way I could live off man who depised me (or any man, come to that - my financial security is important to me). I've irked him by taking a perm job recently as I temped off/on before with loads of downtime in between assignments to see him, so I've had lots of comments about I am now addicted to working rather than seeing him and mocking that I'm starting to get some funds behind me, compared to his salary. A decent man would have been pleased I was getting somewhere.

I can see that he was being unfair regarding my career but it's the nurturing stuff that I wanted more than support in my career. I don't think hes's capable of giving that and unfortunately I am too capable of nurturing .

If he is not capable of nurturing then get rid and concentrate on your daughter, and your job so that you can have financial stability for yourself and her for the future.

I've just made an appt with my drs tomorrow so at least I can run it past him - he may be able to point me in the right direction of some help. or alternatively tell me to get a life .

i guess i just have to go through this thing though . I hasten to add that my dd is not being affected by this - Mummy isn't sitting around weeping and wailing .

Just inside.

ok have changed my name to get a more positive vibe on here!! i've emailed the samaritians - not because they've got a magic wand but putting it into words has helped me see things a bit more clearly. I'm also going to contact relate to see if me having some counselling will help me move forward.

i feel quite p*ssed off at him now - how dare he abuse me like this?

one more thing, i'm his co.sec. I guess that I should be resigning from that right now??!

Yes you can resign from that. If its a small business I think the rules changed very recently so that some don't need a co sec, or maybe its that they don't need more than one director? Hmm you need to check on the companies house website.

More positive outlook is ++++ good!

Lucky escape is what I said up till meeting dp whenever anyone asked if I'd ever been married. I would laugh and say no I came close but had a lucky escape!

You can be an escapee toooooooo

Quick update for those who posted:

I've decided not to go to the drs (have got some bumpf coming from Relate for moi should I decide to get counselling - not sure I need it to fix me now but it might be useful to break any more patterns of abusive r'ships) but I have rang/emailed the Samaritans a couple of times which has helped me put stuff in perspective. I can't sing their praises enough for this sort of thing. I rang them when I was very desperate to have someone listen to me and not tell me I'd got it all wrong/was the problem and a very kind lady listened to me ramble on and calm down over about 40 minutes.

I've had texts since from him demanding that I tell my sister "the truth" about me but I laughed and texted back if I told her the truth (the real truth, not his version of it, since he doesn't think I am worthy of an opinion ) no one would ever believe it. Cue one outraged voice mail message (which I've not listened to but have saved in case he kicks off again. I don't think he's twigged even were I a version of Cruella de Vil, it wouldn't matter to my sister since she'd support me regardless of what I'd done or not. Besides which she's known me for nearly 36 years and he's only known me 2 years. So how he thinks he could turn my sister agsint me in order to punish me makes me . Apparently I stopped him from meeting her as I'd said once that I didn't really get on with her very well and thus I was stopping them from meeting. From a man who refused to tell his Mum about his own engagement this is rich!! Anyway, that's the story now .

glad you are feeling clearer and more positive, he sounds absolutely dire and controlling from latest development re;sister

Hope you find someone that deserves you and dd, he sounds like he certainly doesn't... sounds like he needs a taste of his own medicine tbh... He really shouldnt care what his mother thinks now especially over you.... hope it all works out for you and you find someone lovely