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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all kids should be included?

333 replies

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:13

Should all kids be included by step grandparents? Would you expect it if buying for one they buy for all on occasions like Xmas , Easter etc ? Is it ok to only buy for some of the kids and leave the others out because your not blood related even if you have been together many years?
Big row over this after it constantly happening been made to feel I am in the wrong.

OP posts:
Arapawa · 12/04/2023 13:55

I think you should treat all children the same. Perhaps that means buying smaller presents but it includes them all. Cruel to exclude IMO.

Robinni · 12/04/2023 13:57

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 13:02

Their seeing their own grandkids just not the step ones who they constantly leave out hence why I don’t go there with my kids now read the whole post please.

Show quote history

@Thisisit2323 I think withdrawing your children from the family like this is potentially worsening things as you aren’t presenting an uncompromising united front.

If you feel so strongly about the gifts then I would go with what @Dixiechickonhols suggests and refuse gifts for all.

But then you do run the risk of the other four resenting your two boys. And of the others being deprived of financial, physical, emotional support and a normal relationship with their grandparents.

Arguably the issues with your boys paternal GPs are not the problem of your other children’s GPs - they shouldn’t be having to step in to replace.

Again bigger picture and get the marriage license in the bag if you want any legal standing for the kids. GPs are time limited.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 13:59

Crumpleton · 12/04/2023 13:52

but I don’t see why me and the boys have been segregated due to the argument he had on his family which I wasn’t part of in the first place but got taken out on me and the boys.

Because he's happy to let you take the flack as it gives him a quiet life with his family.
He's pretty much thrown you under the bus.

This is what I’m thinking he is happy they think it’s me of why he stood up to them (it wasn’t)
Instead of owning what he said he is happy he got his mom back after going in on her and gets to keep us too. I don’t want to think that but if I was in his shoes I wouldn’t of forgive what they did last year let alone go cap in hand begging for a relationship again but I never said a word I told him to do what makes him happy in regards to getting back in touch.
I just feel like is he on my side he’s happy as long as him and his kids are included. I wouldn’t do this to him.

OP posts:
Userno36373628373732 · 12/04/2023 13:59

It really depends! It depends on the family dynamic and the contact with the bio parent I believe and whether bio parent is still around.

My partners mum treats my son from previous relationship the same as the dd we have together.so no issues

my son has a on/off sporadic relationship with his father, his father has a partner and two young kids with her. My son is not bought anything from his dads partners family (ex and her have been together 10 years) and never has been given anything. But he doesn’t think much of it as he doesn’t see much of them other than the odd time.

from my pov, my mum met my stepdad when I was 8 and my brother 3. My stepdad took us on as his own but his mother never accepted us despite having step children and step grandchildren herself that she treated the same. She wasn’t keen on us. I don’t have any bad memories of her but I do have bad memories of my mum and stepdad falling out all the time over it. I was old enough to understand that she wasn’t mt grandmother. A younger child might of struggled more. One Christmas we seen her and the other grandkids (including her step daughters kid) her toys and we had chocolate 😂

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:01

Robinni · 12/04/2023 13:57

@Thisisit2323 I think withdrawing your children from the family like this is potentially worsening things as you aren’t presenting an uncompromising united front.

If you feel so strongly about the gifts then I would go with what @Dixiechickonhols suggests and refuse gifts for all.

But then you do run the risk of the other four resenting your two boys. And of the others being deprived of financial, physical, emotional support and a normal relationship with their grandparents.

Arguably the issues with your boys paternal GPs are not the problem of your other children’s GPs - they shouldn’t be having to step in to replace.

Again bigger picture and get the marriage license in the bag if you want any legal standing for the kids. GPs are time limited.

Show quote history

They have not asked after mine and partner has acted like he didn’t want to take my son when my son asked if he could go the other week. Made an excuse I feel the vibes I know we aren’t wanted there I know my own instincts in this.

OP posts:
grandmaintraining · 12/04/2023 14:02

That's a your partner issue then.

Bugbabe1970 · 12/04/2023 14:02

grandmaintraining · 12/04/2023 13:10

Why can't your partner take them?

If they've been stopped seeing your kids I can exactly see why they've stopped sending presents.

I wouldn't send presents for kids I never saw and wasn't related to.

Jesus wept
You really aren't understanding the situation!

RemoteControlDoobry · 12/04/2023 14:02

Well if the grandparents are good people they buy all the children gifts of equal value. If the grandparents are mean-spirited then they don’t.

AmyDudley · 12/04/2023 14:02

I think you have to decide whether you want to spend the next 10/20/30 years of your life with you and your boys being treated like shit by his family. Because I doubt that will change and I doubt your DP will change to take your side over them. He has been with those boys their whole life, he is effectively their father but he doesn't stand up for them when his family have excluded them - I think that says a lot about what type of person he is and how he views your boys.

I wouldn't rush into a wedding until you have really thought through what is going on here, his family's and his behaviour is making you miserable - do you always want to feel like that ? weddings can be postponed or cancelled. Don't be pushed into something you aren't sure about.

Lollypop701 · 12/04/2023 14:02

Honestly your dh has blamed you for the argument … as in he said it but will have said it ‘op has even said’ type of way. He didn’t want you to visit afterwards so HE didn’t get found out. Now he wants you to rise above it… so you don’t get told what you did (but actually didn’t do) . This is so he can still be ok with his family… this is my take on it anyway.

if I’m right then imo it still not ok to take it out on kids ,

i wouldn’t marry him till I knew exactly what’s gone on, and why he’s not putting his family- The one he’s marrying and parenting - first

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:02

Userno36373628373732 · 12/04/2023 13:59

It really depends! It depends on the family dynamic and the contact with the bio parent I believe and whether bio parent is still around.

My partners mum treats my son from previous relationship the same as the dd we have together.so no issues

my son has a on/off sporadic relationship with his father, his father has a partner and two young kids with her. My son is not bought anything from his dads partners family (ex and her have been together 10 years) and never has been given anything. But he doesn’t think much of it as he doesn’t see much of them other than the odd time.

from my pov, my mum met my stepdad when I was 8 and my brother 3. My stepdad took us on as his own but his mother never accepted us despite having step children and step grandchildren herself that she treated the same. She wasn’t keen on us. I don’t have any bad memories of her but I do have bad memories of my mum and stepdad falling out all the time over it. I was old enough to understand that she wasn’t mt grandmother. A younger child might of struggled more. One Christmas we seen her and the other grandkids (including her step daughters kid) her toys and we had chocolate 😂

Yes but you remember the bad memories of the fall out from it it’s horrible behaviour I think.
We aren’t wanted within the family it’s like we actually do not exist it’s so weird now.
It’s good to get opinions though but I feel more confused haha

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 14:03

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:01

They have not asked after mine and partner has acted like he didn’t want to take my son when my son asked if he could go the other week. Made an excuse I feel the vibes I know we aren’t wanted there I know my own instincts in this.

Show quote history

When are you going to accept that your partner is the main player here?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/04/2023 14:03

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 13:59

This is what I’m thinking he is happy they think it’s me of why he stood up to them (it wasn’t)
Instead of owning what he said he is happy he got his mom back after going in on her and gets to keep us too. I don’t want to think that but if I was in his shoes I wouldn’t of forgive what they did last year let alone go cap in hand begging for a relationship again but I never said a word I told him to do what makes him happy in regards to getting back in touch.
I just feel like is he on my side he’s happy as long as him and his kids are included. I wouldn’t do this to him.

Show quote history

Exactly.

He is the problem.

He’s thrown you and your DC under the bus for a quiet life for himself.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:05

AmyDudley · 12/04/2023 14:02

I think you have to decide whether you want to spend the next 10/20/30 years of your life with you and your boys being treated like shit by his family. Because I doubt that will change and I doubt your DP will change to take your side over them. He has been with those boys their whole life, he is effectively their father but he doesn't stand up for them when his family have excluded them - I think that says a lot about what type of person he is and how he views your boys.

I wouldn't rush into a wedding until you have really thought through what is going on here, his family's and his behaviour is making you miserable - do you always want to feel like that ? weddings can be postponed or cancelled. Don't be pushed into something you aren't sure about.

Really don’t know anymore now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:06

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/04/2023 14:03

Exactly.

He is the problem.

He’s thrown you and your DC under the bus for a quiet life for himself.

Show quote history

This what I think and what about family parties now are we going to get asked or is he going to just fuck off on his own and I can’t say anything.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 12/04/2023 14:07

Big drip feed that there was a big family argument and they blocked you on all social media, and you are now no contact. Kind off puts a different light on present buying.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:07

ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 14:03

When are you going to accept that your partner is the main player here?

Show quote history

That’s the thing I think he is playing both sides for a quiet life but he’s the catalyst for it all starting.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 12/04/2023 14:08

He’s showing you that you aren’t his family imo op. Up to you what you decide to do

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:09

Hankunamatata · 12/04/2023 14:07

Big drip feed that there was a big family argument and they blocked you on all social media, and you are now no contact. Kind off puts a different light on present buying.

Well they blocked my whole family and him too but the original thing they did was something they did and partner was livid about went in on his mom she didn’t like being told the truth so blocked us all.
It’s a case of she’s never once been stood up to and he has mommy childhood issues with her but was nothing to do with me or the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:09

Lollypop701 · 12/04/2023 14:08

He’s showing you that you aren’t his family imo op. Up to you what you decide to do

Yeah I think so too.

OP posts:
potatowhale · 12/04/2023 14:13

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:35

Thankyou the fact they used to get for them then suddenly stopped because of the argument it hurts they ignore us on bdays and Xmas and other events now. OH wants me to rise above this.

Show quote history

What was the argument. Maybe they don't like you and are hoping you'll seperate so aren't getting attached to the kids.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:15

potatowhale · 12/04/2023 14:13

What was the argument. Maybe they don't like you and are hoping you'll seperate so aren't getting attached to the kids.

Show quote history

I will msg you.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 12/04/2023 14:16

I think it's more that, they've changed how they treat the non bio children since a fall out. That isn't nice, they've done it to prove a point and be spiteful.

Robinni · 12/04/2023 14:16

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:01

They have not asked after mine and partner has acted like he didn’t want to take my son when my son asked if he could go the other week. Made an excuse I feel the vibes I know we aren’t wanted there I know my own instincts in this.

Show quote history

@Thisisit2323 Reading this I would be concerned re. your partner - a lot of people have said it’s a you and him problem. I’d be inclined to agree, and I try to avoid pinning the blame on partners automatically, MN is too quick to jump to LTB and man blaming for everything.

It’s hard to know how to advise without knowing the ins and outs of the family argument and how you were ostracised despite not being part of it.

Is there any indication that your partner is starting to compartmentalise life to build up to split - it seems that he is aligning to his family of origin and already splitting the kids, with yours being sidelined. Are you sure he is committed to getting married and spending his life with you? He has a funny way of showing it.

Ktime · 12/04/2023 14:17

Hankunamatata · 12/04/2023 14:07

Big drip feed that there was a big family argument and they blocked you on all social media, and you are now no contact. Kind off puts a different light on present buying.

That’s not fair. OP is being asked questions and is providing further info, that’s not drip feeding.

There are 3 sets of kids (his, hers and theirs) so there is bound to be some confusion in this thread.