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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that private school parents are demonised?

665 replies

Imsorryyoufeelthatway · 12/04/2023 11:09

Starting this threat to vent and as an antidote to the Closing all private schools would benefit state schools thread. In short, I'm a bit fed up with private school parents being bashed for buying a better education for their children, while parents who 'don't believe in private education' and spend a fortune on homes/second homes/rental properties in catchment areas for 'good' state schools then another fortune on tutors seem to get off scot free.

I'm also fed up with private school parents all being lumped in the same category. We're not all selfish, mega-wealthy, Bullingdon Club (or female equivalent, if there was one...) alumni; many of us are ordinary people (I'm a working class lass from a council estate whose parents worked as cleaners and in warehouses) who've worked bloody hard to be able to afford a better start in life for our children than we had. We were the first people in our families to go to university (on full grants, when they existed), the first to have careers not just jobs, and the first to own our own homes. No-one has ever handed us a penny – my DH got the train to university with £4.50 in his pocket and had to get a job straight away to buy food. No bank account, no trust fund, no-one paying his rent. We've managed to achieve social mobility against the odds, yet we're not allowed to celebrate this because we've chosen to invest in our children's future rather than over-priced property in 'good' state school catchment areas.

Yes, we all know that private schools are a major cause of inequality. Parents like us have literally lived and breathed that inequality our whole lives and we'd do anything to prevent our children having to do the same. We think that all children should have access to high quality education in safe, inspirational environments where they can achieve their potential, not just ours. But most state schools in the UK just cannot meet this requirement. We also know that if catchment areas for state schools were mixed-up, and the schools in deprived areas had an influx of children from more affluent areas and vice versa, then this would likely make things more equal over time. But our children are not part of a social experiment. In short, if those of us who had difficult starts in life and went to terrible schools choose to work our arses off so our children don't have to, can't we be given some credit?

So please, the next time you're tempted to lump a private school parents into the same category and give them a bashing, take a moment to consider their reasons and background. Rant over.

OP posts:
W0tnow · 12/04/2023 11:14

I’d also like to know how parents who move abroad (both in and out of the UK) are expected to educate their children. 🤔

Wnikat · 12/04/2023 11:16

They have schools abroad I think.

MrsSchrute · 12/04/2023 11:17

Yes, we all know that private schools are a major cause of inequality. Parents like us have literally lived and breathed that inequality our whole lives and we'd do anything to prevent our children having to do the same.

So what you are saying is, we suffered by living in a highly unequal society, so we are going to actively make choices to perpetuate that inequality? Inequality is only a problem if I'm the one who is suffering?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2023 11:17

MrsSchrute · 12/04/2023 11:17

Yes, we all know that private schools are a major cause of inequality. Parents like us have literally lived and breathed that inequality our whole lives and we'd do anything to prevent our children having to do the same.

So what you are saying is, we suffered by living in a highly unequal society, so we are going to actively make choices to perpetuate that inequality? Inequality is only a problem if I'm the one who is suffering?

👏🏻

BellaJuno · 12/04/2023 11:18

MrsSchrute · 12/04/2023 11:17

Yes, we all know that private schools are a major cause of inequality. Parents like us have literally lived and breathed that inequality our whole lives and we'd do anything to prevent our children having to do the same.

So what you are saying is, we suffered by living in a highly unequal society, so we are going to actively make choices to perpetuate that inequality? Inequality is only a problem if I'm the one who is suffering?

Yep this! You’re perpetuating the inequality OP but it’s fine, because your kids will be more likely to be ok 🙄

MissLucyLiu · 12/04/2023 11:19

People want to blame other people/government when things doesn't work out. Unfortunately the education system is rigged like this I am not about to use my kids (don't have one yet but when I do I certainly wouldn't) as an experiment hoping they might get lucky and land in a good school/good teacher. Don't hate the player hate the game.

I have gotten into private school on assisted + scholarship as my parents would have never been able to afford it.

People's frustration is with the government funding and they shouldn't take it out on parents who are just trying to provide the best for their kids (and sometimes at the detriment of their own quality of life, it is selfless act).

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 12/04/2023 11:19

Mumsnet innit.

It's like everybody mentioning they're anything under a size 18 is a "teeny tiny" (I'm a 16 and quite like being told that tbf but that's not their intention)

Or anybody daring to go on holiday. Or want a handbag. Or own a home.

It's all very Monty Python eating coal and best ignored.

DuesExMachina · 12/04/2023 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2023 11:20

Personally I don’t give a shit
My DC go/went to Private school and I feel no need to justify it.
There are a lot of stereotypes and misconceptions about ‘Private school parents” but we are all different, as are all Private schools.
Chill out OP and stop worrying about other people’s opinions

Bumpingaway · 12/04/2023 11:21

My DS goes to an independent school funded by the LA because he can’t cope in a mainstream. Unless many more specialist school are opened there will be more SEN children out of school or in mainstream school using a large amount of resources.

PJRules · 12/04/2023 11:21

The inequality is bad but I'm not going to demonise parents who do the best they can for their kids.

Does anyone really say 'James is doing badly in maths, I could get him a tutor but that would be unfair to those who can't afford one so I won't'?

We collectively need to pressure our politicians to get their act together and sort this out. I am very worried for the future of this country and all our DCs.

malificent7 · 12/04/2023 11:22

It's up to you how you spend your money but my sister and I are both ex private school kids. I'm skint and although dsis and her dh are wealthy they are not sending their sons there as we both hated it. She sees it as a massive waste of cash especially as her dh managed to get to Cambridge from a state school and has a fantastic job.

However, all kids are different and it's not your fault the UK has such a horrid class system.

fellrunner85 · 12/04/2023 11:22

Yes, we all know that private schools are a major cause of inequality. Parents like us have literally lived and breathed that inequality our whole lives

So as soon as you're wealthy enough to do so, you choose to entrench that inequality. Alright then - you crack on and keep pulling up the ladder for those that come after you.

I could play my tiny violin as well (raised in poverty; succeeded in the state school system; first kid in my family to go to university; blah blah blah) but now I've been lucky enough to forge a good life for myself, I'm not going to use that good fortune to support the very system that works to keep people like me in their place.

OneCup · 12/04/2023 11:22

Why do you want to be part of a system you suffered from yourself?
You and your partner did extremely well, well done, I'm sure your children can too. Don't waste money on private schooling.

Bluevelvetsofa · 12/04/2023 11:23

Most people want to provide the best education they can for their children. For a small percentage, there is an option to buy an education and like other things, is what people choose to spend money on, if they have it.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that private always equals better. For the majority, maybe, even probably, but for some children it isn’t a system that suits.

If people feel that private schooling is the most appropriate option for their children, then that’s their prerogative; you choose to spend what you have on what you want. There are some though, that, despite making sacrifices, going without and saving, will never be able to pay more for an education system.

It’s your choice and you probably sacrifice other things to afford it. We all make choices and we all have different priorities.

MelchiorsMistress · 12/04/2023 11:23

I agree with you.

I know a few children at private school and the majority of them are there because they have mild special needs and the private schools are better able to meet their needs simply because of smaller class sizes and better staffing.

A few children are there because their parents can afford it and they’re simply doing what any parent would do and providing their children with the best education they possibly can. I can’t see why some people want to punish parents for doing their best they can for their children.

The real inequality in education comes from parental involvement and attitude.

In nearly every school there will be parents that are engaged, involved and who encourage their children to value their education and respect their teachers, and there will be other parents who don’t care about those things. The disadvantaged children are the ones whose parents won’t read with them, or practice times tables and who think the school is 100% responsible for education, not the ones who simply go to state school instead of private.

ShirleyPhallus · 12/04/2023 11:23

In short, if those of us who had difficult starts in life and went to terrible schools choose to work our arses off so our children don't have to, can't we be given some credit?

very fair, those in lower paid occupations are notoriously lazy. Nurses, teachers, delivery drivers - they spend most of their work day just sitting around don’t they.

MrsMurphyIWish · 12/04/2023 11:23

Your first paragraph implies that the reason people don’t have private education for their children is because of second homes and tutoring.

I’m a council estate kid. I too “worked hard”. I became a teacher - state - to give back. Can’t afford private education for my own children but then. Not bitter, I believe in social equality.

MissLucyLiu · 12/04/2023 11:23

PJRules · 12/04/2023 11:21

The inequality is bad but I'm not going to demonise parents who do the best they can for their kids.

Does anyone really say 'James is doing badly in maths, I could get him a tutor but that would be unfair to those who can't afford one so I won't'?

We collectively need to pressure our politicians to get their act together and sort this out. I am very worried for the future of this country and all our DCs.

Exactly! Well said!

Oh no how dare you try to pay for private tutor to help! Other people cannot afford private tutor just let you kids who's perhaps got a bit of learning difficulties rot in hell.

Itsashitbusiness · 12/04/2023 11:23

🍪

Tuftytail · 12/04/2023 11:23

Making private schools more expensive will perpetuate inequality. Rishi’s kids will still be going to Wycombe Abbey, Rees-Mogg’s to wherever but the 2 income middle class parents will no longer be able to afford it. Neither will the first generation immigrants whose wider families club together to afford the fees to give opportunities they never had. The 2 income middle class families will instead pay the premium to move next door to the highest performing schools thus leaving the families who can’t afford the dearest houses with no access to the best schools. Every child should have the best education but the current thinking re private schools is ill thought out. Sound bite politics like Brexit slogans on buses. It won’t deliver in practice.

MissLucyLiu · 12/04/2023 11:24

Bluevelvetsofa · 12/04/2023 11:23

Most people want to provide the best education they can for their children. For a small percentage, there is an option to buy an education and like other things, is what people choose to spend money on, if they have it.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that private always equals better. For the majority, maybe, even probably, but for some children it isn’t a system that suits.

If people feel that private schooling is the most appropriate option for their children, then that’s their prerogative; you choose to spend what you have on what you want. There are some though, that, despite making sacrifices, going without and saving, will never be able to pay more for an education system.

It’s your choice and you probably sacrifice other things to afford it. We all make choices and we all have different priorities.

100% accurate.

iaapap · 12/04/2023 11:25

OP just ignore - you do as you see fit for your kids.

Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 11:26

If you think you're doing the right thing for your family, why do you care what anyone else thinks?

CuriouslyDifferent · 12/04/2023 11:26

I think it’s funny that the same people who moan about inequality - want their kids to go the university. Only 50% ish get to go - but don’t they realize that creates inequality too.

we should make all kids go. irrespective of the wishes of the family or child.

let’s take all choice out of the education system.

and guess what - it will still have zero effect on inequality.