To be annoyed that private school parents are demonised?

[Imsorryyoufeelthatway]

Starting this threat to vent and as an antidote to the Closing all private schools would benefit state schools thread. In short, I'm a bit fed up with private school parents being bashed for buying a better education for their children, while parents who 'don't believe in private education' and spend a fortune on homes/second homes/rental properties in catchment areas for 'good' state schools then another fortune on tutors seem to get off scot free.

I'm also fed up with private school parents all being lumped in the same category. We're not all selfish, mega-wealthy, Bullingdon Club (or female equivalent, if there was one...) alumni; many of us are ordinary people (I'm a working class lass from a council estate whose parents worked as cleaners and in warehouses) who've worked bloody hard to be able to afford a better start in life for our children than we had. We were the first people in our families to go to university (on full grants, when they existed), the first to have careers not just jobs, and the first to own our own homes. No-one has ever handed us a penny – my DH got the train to university with £4.50 in his pocket and had to get a job straight away to buy food. No bank account, no trust fund, no-one paying his rent. We've managed to achieve social mobility against the odds, yet we're not allowed to celebrate this because we've chosen to invest in our children's future rather than over-priced property in 'good' state school catchment areas.

Yes, we all know that private schools are a major cause of inequality. Parents like us have literally lived and breathed that inequality our whole lives and we'd do anything to prevent our children having to do the same. We think that all children should have access to high quality education in safe, inspirational environments where they can achieve their potential, not just ours. But most state schools in the UK just cannot meet this requirement. We also know that if catchment areas for state schools were mixed-up, and the schools in deprived areas had an influx of children from more affluent areas and vice versa, then this would likely make things more equal over time. But our children are not part of a social experiment. In short, if those of us who had difficult starts in life and went to terrible schools choose to work our arses off so our children don't have to, can't we be given some credit?

So please, the next time you're tempted to lump a private school parents into the same category and give them a bashing, take a moment to consider their reasons and background. Rant over.

This exactly

Noone is bashing individuals or their circumstances. But morally it is wrong that someone with money can can pay to send their kids somewhere nice when another nice family have to put up with some really shotty state schools.

It's not about you and your husbands work ethic. Plenty of people are far wealthier than you who have inherited or are aristocracy and have never worked. Plenty of people work harder than you both and have far less.

You're conflating your right to buy your child out of a shit school, which you acknowledge gives your child a benefit over another child in the same postcode who is stuck with the failing state school - which you are paying with your privilege to avoid.

So many people think they went to a typical secondary school without appreciating that the truly shit ones are quite prevalent and rife with underage sex, sexual exploitation, rape, drinking, drugs and drug dealing, knife crime, hostile environments. And very few people in those areas can just knuckle down and shine in class regardless so for people to act like them paying to send their kid to the naice private school in the next town by choice is somehow doing everyone else a favour is rubbish.

If your kid was priced out of private I think youd feel differently.

Plus all this misses the real point, we need to make sure state schools provide an excellent education. I don’t care whether there are private schools, I don’t care where you send your kids. I don’t think that all private schools should be considered charities, I think contextual offers etc are a good thing and I want the state to properly fund education for all.

Are people tarring you wth the same brush as the bulligdon boys/stereotyping you?
The only thing all private school parents have in common with each other is that they are rich (wth the exception of the small number whose fees are paid by the MOD/LA for Sen and scholarship kids). If you can afford private school fees from your disposable household income you are well above the average household of 32k. Most people after tax, pension savings and bills don't have a spare 15k to spend on education no matter how much they care or how hard they work.
The 'we are just a normal/average family who work hard and sacrifice to send our kids private' narrative is really really unaware of the reality of most people's lives. You're rich if you can afford it and to minimise that good fortune is tone deaf (I don't think you were intending that though OP)

That's true until he reached 16. At that point the local government funding ceased and he was paid a bursary by the school to continue his studies into 6th form. It was revealed in January of this year that this was the case.

Well said.

Schools could be great levellers, given the right funding and support.

Demonised? On Mumsnet? That is really not difficult. I couldn't care less. The absolute negative bollocks talked on here about private school and private school kids makes me laugh to be honest. It's so obvious half of it is made up.

Do what you feel is best for your kids. That’s all any parent can do. I can afford to privately educate but choose not to as it would be an hour commute each way for my dc. My ILs think me doing this is absolutely outrageous but it works for my dc and it means that not only do I have plenty of spare money for educational trips and holidays instead, I can also bung their state school a couple of thousand whenever they do fundraising events.

All parents have a duty to do what is best for their child.
But do not assume you are a better parent because you go without a holiday to pay for private school. That is not you being better it's you being richer.
Others care deeply about children's education but will never have the means to afford school fees whatever they sacrifice. This includes most teachers btw who I'm sure we all assume do rather care about education but just don't get paid enough for private. The same can be said for other hard working professionals.
This is why all Children should have equal access to good education and why universitys now consider which school a candidate went to. As let's be honest as the OP demonstrates themselves a hard working state school child probably has more motivation than that private school child. They will have also over come more disadvantages in their school.
So yes private school is fine but please do not expect advantage at higher levels of education where we want the really naturally bright rather than the nurtured spoon fed but not really anything special.
My DBro is an Oxbridge interviewer and he has found his best students have come from the state sector. He can also tell those who have been prepared heavily for the interview (always private school).
Currently the old advantage of school name is disappearing.
As a society we need to find a way to improve state schools and advantage those who do go state and give back to society.
Of course OP has the right to pay for schooling and vote Tory to support this. But they cannot expect this not to be questioned on a moral level.

By people who know nothing about them and have no experience of them, of course.

TBH I also find it such transparent political lobbying that I also just roll my eyes and laugh. And by a party whose leader hided the fact that he went to a private school from year 8 to year 13, no less. Hard to take seriously.

I don't think you should be 'bashed' for your choice of private education. But I can't fathom why you think you should be given 'credit' for it either? So you and your H have worked hard. Great stuff. But surely the lifestyle you can now afford is sufficient reward for that, without expecting applause from those who (probably like your parents) worked equally hard, but didn't get the extra dollops of good fortune that are also necessary before hard work turns into hard cash.
You're obviously happy with your choices. Enjoy them. You don't need them validated by other people.

Just own the fact you've decided to buy your child a better education and opportunities than some of their peers.
If you can afford to why not. I personally won't demonise you but you've got to understand why it gets peoples backs up.
You'll annoy people less if you're honest and kind about your motivations.

You need to get over this, OP, it's your issue, you don't want everything that comes with privately educating a child? So what, frankly. Get a backbone and stand by your choices.

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I'm a frontline NHS professional my OH is a state school teacher, do we not work hard 🤔 we couldn't dream of private school on our salaries

Yeah we could have made different choices in our careers bit if we all chased £££ who would take care of the sick and educate our kids?

Do our hospital cleaners and carers etc not work hard?

Private schools might be good for your kids but they are bad for society

Oh and the school I went to was truly horrific. We regularly had students bringing in knives, drug problems were rife, teachers being assaulted was commonplace and teen pregnancies were par for the course. Not all state schools are equal.

YANBU OP. The education system is dire so I can't blaming anyone for paying, if grey can. Children get one shot at this stage of schooling, so no point gambling that chance away unnecessarily.

Some of the stuff written here sometimes about private school parents / children is so ill-informed and downright ridiculous, I tend to skip over it.

Then again, my daughter is in a private school, but I fit none of the usual stereotypes so it usually doesn't bother me much.

Oh god, I don't expect credit! And yes we've worked hard but probably not as hard as some. Grandparents helped us pay the fees. We are fortunate.

@Imsorryyoufeelthatway I agree. Exactly same situation here with regards me & DH's start in life but we didn't actively seek private education for our DC.. we're intending the state comp & moved to a pretty pricey area to secure places. Fact is it didn't suit DS & there were no other options for us than to move him private to get the type of school he needed to be in to thrive. Of course, I'm aware we're privileged to have even been able to make that choice (tho did involve me returning to FT work) .. we also purposely chose a very small, low grade one which frankly is just like a very good small state school should be but you just happen to have to pay for it because there are no small state secondary options round here! I do bristle however with the alignment of 'working hard' in order to access private education- so many work bloody hard and get nowhere as a result. It is a very unfair system but this is life!

I would say why do you think that the model should be private? Don't your children deserve the opportunity to flourish within the state system? Is there nothing that strikes you as wrong in the assertion that some children should have things because they can afford it not because of need? At the moment, the system is what it is, but you and the OP, inexplicably appear to believe that the status quo should be maintained. This is elitist and unpleasant.

Private school parents are the minority so they are always going to be picked on as snobby, privileged and wasting money. That’s life, you pick your friends, most will socialise amongst their own social group anyway, it’s their money.

Exactly the same if children go to grammar school, it never bothered me and I had 2 at GS and 2 at high school. I didnt have the money for private and local schools are fairly good so no need but if you agree with parents choice then private schools will remain. Even in communist countries the elite have educational advantages, it’s the same everywhere.

We absolutely do.

The state system is not fit for purpose for most kids and desperately needs changing. But abolishing private schools is not the answer, certainly not the whole answer. Better funding, better resources, an increased requirement for new housing developments to include schools to increase the number of places.

This may require an increase in taxation but so what! Children (and our health care) is worth it.

I don’t understand the SEN kids argument. if anything, this highlights the utter unfairness and inequality even more.

My son is autistic and I know in my bones that mainstream isn’t right for him. But he’s too academically able for SEN schools. Private would be wonderful but we can’t afford it. What about kids like him? For every SEN kid in the private sector there are dozens struggling in state with no hope of anything better.

I don't agree private school,parents are demonised. I might have sent mine to private if we could have afforded it at the time. But moved to a better area with better schools. That was the right decision for us. I wouldn't have scrimped and scraped for fees. I think private schools should lose their charitable status. They're not charities.

So you want sympathy for perpetuating the unequal system? Seems very hypocritical. I’ve never met anyone who went to a private school who I’d want to spend a single minute with. It’s not the real world

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