To be annoyed that private school parents are demonised?

[Imsorryyoufeelthatway]

Starting this threat to vent and as an antidote to the Closing all private schools would benefit state schools thread. In short, I'm a bit fed up with private school parents being bashed for buying a better education for their children, while parents who 'don't believe in private education' and spend a fortune on homes/second homes/rental properties in catchment areas for 'good' state schools then another fortune on tutors seem to get off scot free.

I'm also fed up with private school parents all being lumped in the same category. We're not all selfish, mega-wealthy, Bullingdon Club (or female equivalent, if there was one...) alumni; many of us are ordinary people (I'm a working class lass from a council estate whose parents worked as cleaners and in warehouses) who've worked bloody hard to be able to afford a better start in life for our children than we had. We were the first people in our families to go to university (on full grants, when they existed), the first to have careers not just jobs, and the first to own our own homes. No-one has ever handed us a penny – my DH got the train to university with £4.50 in his pocket and had to get a job straight away to buy food. No bank account, no trust fund, no-one paying his rent. We've managed to achieve social mobility against the odds, yet we're not allowed to celebrate this because we've chosen to invest in our children's future rather than over-priced property in 'good' state school catchment areas.

Yes, we all know that private schools are a major cause of inequality. Parents like us have literally lived and breathed that inequality our whole lives and we'd do anything to prevent our children having to do the same. We think that all children should have access to high quality education in safe, inspirational environments where they can achieve their potential, not just ours. But most state schools in the UK just cannot meet this requirement. We also know that if catchment areas for state schools were mixed-up, and the schools in deprived areas had an influx of children from more affluent areas and vice versa, then this would likely make things more equal over time. But our children are not part of a social experiment. In short, if those of us who had difficult starts in life and went to terrible schools choose to work our arses off so our children don't have to, can't we be given some credit?

So please, the next time you're tempted to lump a private school parents into the same category and give them a bashing, take a moment to consider their reasons and background. Rant over.

If someone has the money available to spend it on their children's education, that seems a far better thing to do with it than what it might get spent on otherwise - such as very gauche white SUVs, tacky "exotic" holidays or horrible "designer" clothes with the label name written all over the outside.

Most people who send their kids to private school do so for the social capital, not for the education - which is often inferior to state school education.

Agree. You won’t get the answer you’re looking for here.

Do what is right for you and yours.

Until the early 70s there was a way for bright working class children to have a top notch education. It was called a state grammar school. Then the Labour government of the day decided to level the playing field by abolishing state grammar education so everyone got the same shitty education

In the main I think YANBU.

However, you say you worked bloody hard to be able to afford a better start in life for our children than we had and (I assume) contrast it with all the meritless Bullingdon people. But what, other than luck, really gave you the circumstances/ABILITY to work that hard and achieve all that stuff.

At the end of the day, you're lucky too.

And that's fine. Live and let live.

I don't have a problem with private school parents provided their kids progress in their careers on the basis of their own genuine talent and ability.

My experience of privately educated kids though is far too often they are individually academically mediocre, yet benefit from outrageous nepotism. Example: A colleague of mine got a job at my workplace because his grandfather is a company director and created a brand new position for him.

If you engage in such understandable unfairness to benefit your own offspring, you will naturally be unpopular with people who believe in meritocracy and whose kids can't benefit in the same way.

@Circe7 A child with a parent who reads with them every night will likely have much better educational outcomes than one who doesn’t but I’ve never seen an argument that people shouldn’t read to their kids because many parents don’t have the time/ capacity to do this.

I agree.

Home environment makes the biggest difference to outcomes. The things your kids do and see in their everyday home environment, like being read to, taken to tennis classes after school, talking about politics over dinner, playing scrabble or being taught chess, counting change, reading signposts in the car, down to the smallest things like being told why they're told "no" even as a baby, rather than just a flat "no" is what makes the difference over time.

Having parents who put this kind of time and effort into their children's education over their whole childhoods makes the most difference. Nobody would ever suggest you don't teach your kids things because other kids aren't as privileged, don't get read to, don't have two parents etc.

So if putting your kids in private school helps them, good for them. What is their educational environment at home like though? How many books do you have on the shelves?

@LakeTiticaca agree

This ^^

You've decided to leverage your wealth to secure further privilege for your own children.

In all honesty, I might have done the same but I would have the good grace not to moon on about people being mean to you. Toughen up.

I think private schools are less problematic than the grammar system tbh.

I have one child at private school and one at state. I honestly don’t think the one at private is getting a better education. He’s dyslexic so technically the small classes suit him better but I don’t think the teaching is any superior to that in our local state school. He has access to better facilities and maybe will have more opportunities but that is offset by his struggles with dyslexia.

It doesn’t bother me if private school parents are demonised really - everyone is just doing the best for their child. The whole state school system needs a big overhaul- including the grammar schools and making 10 year olds feel like a failure. Grammar schools were supposed to be the social leveller only now everyone is tutored to get in so if you can’t afford a tutor you’re at a disadvantage. Then this affects the local secondary.

Private schools aren’t necessarily creaming off the brightest kids.

I agree with you (to an extent) but we moved to a very good state school area, I mean where the house prices are through the roof compared to a mile down the road. And what is propping up the local comp and primary school? Tutoring and lots of out of school activities and parents who care, also we found the brightest kids are being sent off to Grammar Schools 45 min coach journey away.

In the end we found our very good Primary and Comp failing our kids, and trust us they are very good. But our kids were not being stretched, too much reliance on the support rich parents can/could give. So we’ve gone private and finally our kids are getting stretched and opportunities beyond our dreams. My parents worked in foundries/factories and were illiterate. We are second generation immigrants. We didn’t even have English as a first language. I’ve noticed Private Schools are less white and more Asian, Black and Chinese. It’s like we have to buy the privilege cos we’re not born white. That’s how unfair this society is and I can’t see it ever equalising.

Completely agree with this. I'd also like to add that not all SEN children qualify for a EHCP (e.g. those with milder SEN). They therefore do not get any extra help in the state sector. At least that is the case in our area.

Yes, we all know that private schools are a major cause of inequality. Parents like us have literally lived and breathed that inequality our whole lives

Private schools aren’t a source of inequality. Poor and underfunded state schools are a source of inequality.

I think my son’s free education is better than his twin sisters private education but she is private because her free school was not helping with her sen needs and her mental health is better now we pay for her schooling.

Because you're pouring money into a system that massively perpetuates inequality.

I have no problem with money buying people better cars, clothes, holidays, tech etc but I think that it's immoral that it gives access to better education and healthcare.

Your privilege doesn't give you comfort??

I don't give a damn whether or not you spend a small fortune to send your child to private school, your money your choice, but I do care that private businesses are granted charity status to gain tax breaks, and it does annoy me when parents say idiotic things like:

It's unfair if our school fees go up because we lose charity status or
we're not REALLY privileged or
my privately educated children are going to be discriminated against now by universities and workplaces now or
if WC families just STRIVED a little more and stopped going on holiday they too could go private or
VAT should be put on children's books - because screw kids in less fortunate circumstances, why should they get the chance to learn
Or get offended when people tell them the perception of their privately educated children by the rest of the population may well be that they've been handheld through life, tutored through exams, are overconfident, arrogant and not very resilient.

Well said OP and well done on doing well for yourself and doing the best by your kids. Too many people just want to blame others for their circumstances rather than do something about it themselves

I have taught in both sectors in several schools and can say that the independent schools I taught in offered a far superior education - happier teachers, broader curriculum, lovely atmosphere.

Rather than moaning about the fact that indies tend to be better, how about people put their energy in to forcing the powers that be to improve the state sector? Abolishing grammars was a really bad move for bright working class kids but lots of people don't want them back.

We could afford to privately educate our children, we choose not to as we don’t really agree with the private system, and very few are offering things our state schools aren’t.

I always find it odd when people who have suffered inequality as children seem to delight in making sure others suffer it.

Oh I would love to get it for free in the state system obviously (which is why we started there). But it wasn’t working!

So not sure concretely what I should have done? Left my kids there and try to campaign for better support? And in the meantime watch them fail? Until a lot more money is spent classes will have 30 kids / high achievers will be neglected because focus is needed on kids failing / etc and this has been the case for years! I’m not sure me complaining to the school about the above would have any result, especially not in the 2y they have left in primary school.

I’ve noticed Private Schools are less white and more Asian, Black and Chinese. It’s like we have to buy the privilege cos we’re not born white. That’s how unfair this society is and I can’t see it ever equalising.

Don’t forget that grammar schools also have a very large population of Asian, Chinese and Black students, and that has everything to do with cultural norms and high expectations when it comes to education, compared with White British families.

I suppose you could argue that’s another form of buying privilege, but I think it’s also to do with pushing kids towards careers in medicine etc from a very young age.

Sure.

That’s definitely what is happening. People just aren’t trying hard enough.

<rolls eyes forever>

That's ridiculous & supremely judgemental.. Some might. Most don't.

I am not sure I understand your argument.
You don't come from a weathy background and worked hard to get a career. Many people could say the same. Does this mean that you and your children are somehow more deserving of advantages than other people?

It is a fact that if private schools did not exist then everyone would have a stake in improving education for all.

Private schools should not be given special status as charities nor should they be given any tax breaks. If they are private businesses they must be treated as such. It is beyond ridiculous for the state to subsidise something that is not open to all.