About DS's hair?

[Justinripley]

I have DC with beautiful Afro hair. They both have very different types of hair. DS1 now keeps his short and in a style that he is now able to 'look after' himself. DS2 is still young and has long hair (which he adores)

I work very long shifts which sometimes means they are away from home with a family member for days at a time.

In this time, family member refuses to do anything with DS2's hair. They find it stressful and make comments about wishing it was all cut off, the density of it, etc. At best, they put it all up into one but it's never brushed through or products used so when DS2 comes home it requires washing, detangling - which is time consuming for me and DS and sometimes uncomfortable for him. Another issue with it being pulled up and not looked after is that it causes breakage and I have noted it.

A few weeks ago I took over (more) products and sat and showed how to brush his hair that means he can have it out and it not be matted. Family member did do it and she sent me photos when I was at work (it looked lovely) but then she complained non stop afterwards that it took hours, in front of DS2.

I have spoken about this so much that she's become very nonchalant about it. She can't understand why it irks me and why I think it's very poor. I have explained that if he was a little girl with long straight hair she would never let him leave the house with it matted (which I know she wouldn't because I was that little girl!)

I have tried to send him with only protective hairstyles that don't need her to touch but the reality is that I can't ensure it is like that every week and he enjoys being able to have his hair out.

I really need this childcare arrangement to work and this is the biggest issue I have surrounding it but I'm worried about the long term impact on DS - his actual hair and his feelings towards it!

Unsure of how to move forward on this, another family member thinks I need to let it go and accept it as I'm being helped out so much.

sorry, YANBU to enjoy your son's hair
YABVU to expect your childcare to spend hours looking after it

I think as much as you both like his hair until he is able to look after it himself then when he is being cared for by relatives you need to do what is needed to keep the work required to a minimum.

It required hours because it had been left to get into such a state - if it's kept on top of its a maximum of 20 minutes in the morning/evening

Sorry I don't have any advice for the type of hair your ds has (it sounds beautiful) but can't you tangle tease it when he gets home to you?

that's really a long time to expect someone else to spend on his hair. If they're not keen on it you will need to keep it shorter until he can deal with it himself or you have someone who wants to make that level of hair commitment

I don't think YABU at all and I'm a bit shocked by the ignorance of PP's.

It takes 20 minutes morning and evening to care for his hair. It only takes hours if it hasn't been properly cared for. As you say if it was a little girl with very long hair then they wouldn't ignore her hair care and leave it to get knotted would they? Why should your little boy be treated any differently.

I'm going to guess that your child is mixed race and the family member is white with no experience of Afro hair?

Can DS1 help DS2 with his hair?
My mum was hopeless with hair, I can remember doing my sister's from a very early age, and then later my mum's too.

I taught my daughter how to do her own as my dm was incapable and DD stayed there often.

They've told you they find doing his hair stressful- you need to listen to them and either teach your son to do it himself or cut it shorter for now.

If that doesn't work for you maybe you need to consider different working hours so others are not caring for them for days?

Afro hair is very difficult to handle and you can’t expect anyone to do this for such a long time every single day. Until he can handle it for himself, just cut it short.

Disclaimer: I am indeed a white person with no experience of Affro hair.

Wow! Do you really mean that it would take twenty minutes in the morning and another twenty in the evening to take adequate care of your son's hair? That seems incredible to me. I'm not saying it's untrue, I'm just astonished. Can any other posters confirm?

Can it really be possible that parents of children with Affro hair spend forty minutes per child doing their hair, every day? Say you had three children, that would be two hours on hair care, every day! Or with six children - not historically an enormous number - four hours a day (a quarter of your waking life, or half your non-work life if you had a 9-5 job)?!

And I can't even spell the word "Afro" which goes to show how clueless I am. Sorry.

It's up to you and your DS how he has his hair, but it's not reasonable to expect family offering childcare to spend hours on it.

How old is DS?

when do you think he will be able to look after his hair himself?

And as for the “if it was a girl argument” I would equally expect the parents of a girl in the same situation to make hair care as simple as possible for those providing childcare for days of end.

A lot of ignorance on this thread. I think the OP meant 20mins a day total.
Also I agree your child's hair shouldn't have to be cut and it's part and parcel of him being looked after. If he was a white girl with long blonde hair no one would be advocating for that.

It wouldn't take 40 mins per day to keep it in good shape though.

yes they would. I cut my dd's hair into a much more manageable style when she was about 4 because it got too knotty and took too long to style and deal with. I didn't let my boys have long hair because I didn't want to deal with long hair and the associated work.

Sorry OP but you're being incredibly unreasonable here.
You're responsible for his hair and no one else. He's too young to care himself yet.

I have a DD who is 5 with beautiful curly hair (I'm asian) and its a nightmare to detangle however I wouldn't dream of anyone else doing it. She loves her hair because I take my time with it and yes after a day or 2 it turns to absolute shit and pretty much looks like dreadlocks, but I shower, condition and detangle again.
I change it up by braiding it now again too.

You need to find a better way to manage his hair.

I agree with this . It isn’t reasonable to expect your Mum to spend that much time doing his hair . How old is he ? I think he needs it shorter for now and then can grow out his curls when he is old enough to do the basic maintenance himself. If he was a girl with very long straight hair that needed a lot of attention the same would apply.

It doesn’t need cutting though. Op has said she can do a protective style which needs no extra care so surely that the option and he can wear it as he likes when with his mum?

They have told you they either can't or don't want to spend the time doing it. You either do it yourself, accept it will be in poor condition or change the style to something easier. I guess the other option is find different childcare and hope that they accept to do it but to be fair it is unlikely. Most people do not spend 20 mins on their kids' hair morning and evening. It just isn't going to happen.

YANBU to have your sons hair any way you like.
YABU to expect to others to care for it the way you do. My Dad used to Babysit my DD for me. Did he manage her hair, absolutely not, he couldn’t even brush it (very long). I was grateful I had the help and would put it in pleats for ease.

I have a girl with long hair. It used to be like a birds nest in the mornings. When she was little it was cut to shoulder length so it was easier to manage in the mornings. I wasn't prepared to sit with detailing spray in the mornings before nursery.

In general, regardless of sex or hair type, I wouldn’t expect anyone to spend more than five minutes a day on my child’s hair (including me). Dd had to wait until she could manage long hair by herself, before I let her grow it that long.

But his hair is clearly really important to him and to you. And not as much to the family member who cares for him. So I think the choice (for now, until he can manage his own hair) is different childcare, prioritise making time to send him with a protective style in place, or accept he will come home with his hair damaged / in a mess. I can see none of these options are ideal, but you can’t force the family carer to do it your way in the way you could if you were paying for childcare.

What happens in black families? It is usual for children to have time consuming hairstyles before they can care for it themselves? Would a black childminder (or granny) think it was normal/reasonable to be required to spend this much time on hair?