About DS's hair?

[Justinripley]

I have DC with beautiful Afro hair. They both have very different types of hair. DS1 now keeps his short and in a style that he is now able to 'look after' himself. DS2 is still young and has long hair (which he adores)

I work very long shifts which sometimes means they are away from home with a family member for days at a time.

In this time, family member refuses to do anything with DS2's hair. They find it stressful and make comments about wishing it was all cut off, the density of it, etc. At best, they put it all up into one but it's never brushed through or products used so when DS2 comes home it requires washing, detangling - which is time consuming for me and DS and sometimes uncomfortable for him. Another issue with it being pulled up and not looked after is that it causes breakage and I have noted it.

A few weeks ago I took over (more) products and sat and showed how to brush his hair that means he can have it out and it not be matted. Family member did do it and she sent me photos when I was at work (it looked lovely) but then she complained non stop afterwards that it took hours, in front of DS2.

I have spoken about this so much that she's become very nonchalant about it. She can't understand why it irks me and why I think it's very poor. I have explained that if he was a little girl with long straight hair she would never let him leave the house with it matted (which I know she wouldn't because I was that little girl!)

I have tried to send him with only protective hairstyles that don't need her to touch but the reality is that I can't ensure it is like that every week and he enjoys being able to have his hair out.

I really need this childcare arrangement to work and this is the biggest issue I have surrounding it but I'm worried about the long term impact on DS - his actual hair and his feelings towards it!

Unsure of how to move forward on this, another family member thinks I need to let it go and accept it as I'm being helped out so much.

Obviously not the amount I'd be paying for a childminder (which they also have) but as I work 13 hours at a time, the childminder doesn't cover all of the hours.

I'm going to have a re think!

I have 3 mixed race children, my 2 girls have very corse Afro hair and my little boy has stereotypical mixed race ringlets. His hair is easier to care for, the girls hair is much harder to manage and I have never expected my mum to manage it. All 3 of them have their hair in protective styles when they are staying away from home. People spend years getting the care of mixed race hair right, I have naturally curly hair and my parents used to drag a brush through it and shove it up in a fluffy ponytail

*OP has said that she providing all the things needed for her child’s hair, she needs the care to be applied to the process.

Just as in your example, OP can provide lots of clean clothes but if the family member refuses to change them then she has the right to be unhappy about it.*

Yes, she would have the right to be unhappy about it. The family member isn't going to to the hair though. It sounds like she's drawn a line in the sand and the OP will have to decide whether she wants the family member to look after her children or not if she sees it as neglectful.

My dc are black and I completely understand that hair needs a lot of care but there are styles that need less maintenance and that might be an option until he can start looking after his hair himself.

Is there any chance your older child could do his brothers hair?

@Justinripley bloodily hell. I hope your mum never gets to see this thread. She's doing so much for you and your child and you call her neglectful. It's your job to sort out your child's hair and make it more manageable not the grandparents.

Does family member have Afro hair themselves and understand it? It’s a lot to put on someone who is helping you out. Can older sibling help or can you braid the hair for minimal maintenance while with family member?

Totally annoying that family member won't do haircare. Practically its either encourage dc to have it cut for the moment, he can grow it out when he is older or he wears protective style

It is always a horrible choice to criticise the physical reality of a child in their hearing (or behind their back often but sometimes tricky things must be discussed).
To do it at length, as a complaint and repeatedly is bloody crap and awful.

If she struggles she should ask for advice on best way to deal with it. And then deal with it like an adult.

I'd be furious she is embedding shame and dissatisfaction in this child, for his natural hair over which he has no control, if he (quite naturally) internalises this issue. He would have to be exceptionally cast iron for this not to stick in his head.

It’s a big ask.

Yabu. Your's and his choice to leave it long, therefore both your choice to comb it out.

I think you’re right that this has become an issue that is impacting on your DS, OP. You don’t want him to grow up feeling like his hair is a problem.

In an ideal world, your relative would learn to care for your child’s hair. My kids are mixed race and my Mum made a point of learning how to care for and style their hair early on.

However, if this isn’t happening, you need to look at protective styles and ensure your son’s hair is plaited or at least combed through and put up when he is with your relative. Probably more practical anyway. Loose afro styles, like loose long straight hair, are beautiful, but braids and up-dos are easier for day to day for kids.

Im sorry but yabvu. My DS has long curly hair (not afro, so yours is probably even harder to look after), but i would never expect my parents to keep on top of it when he stays with them. DS would be able to brush it himself, but he just doesnt care. So when he comes home his hair is tangled and all over the place and he looks like a homeless person who hasnt brushed it in weeks.
I tell him its his own fault and if he doesnt like it he can cut it off. Since your DS is smaller and cant care for it himself i would say the same to you as his mother: if you dont like it, then cut it off.

Yr child u need to take responsibility not expect others to do so. If that isn’t possible get it cut into a style that is easy to deal with.

And therein lies the problem, he’s 5 and you are allowing him to make a decision about his hair which isn’t working. When he’s old enough to care for his hair then he can have it how he likes. While he’s too young to do so you have to make a decision for him which makes life easier for people caring for him.

my boys wanted long hair, I didn’t want to deal with it so as their mother I made the decision it was short until they could take responsibility for it. It’s not a decision I would give a 5 year old

Reading between the lines it's obvious that said sitter/minder is OPs mum so she is the grandparent.

Does that change your opinion at all?

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask a grandparent to take proper care of your child's hair while they are on their care.

this family member is providing childcare around o/p’s shifts, often for days at a time. From experience childcare outside of 7-6 is almost impossible, or very expensive. Presumably it’s being done for free? O/p says she needs this childcare.

if the family member finds their hair to hard/time consuming that is their prerogative. O/p can either find childcare that will sort the hair, or find ways of making it easier. She can’t insist that they do the hair unless she wants to risk them just refusing to look after the child full stop.

childcare is so important it’s not worth arguing and risking the arrangement of alternative provision isn’t going to be easy.

o/p could you cornrow it? Or similar? The black children at dc’s school either had it clipped short or cornrowed. Only one had a lovely big afro but he was at the older end of primary school so probably capable of doing his own.

I think you need to get his hair braided so that it isn’t something additional for your family member to do. This only needs to happen until he is old enough to maintain an Afro on his own. Personally I love an Afro, something to display with pride with all its coils and curls. Just give him a few more years.

Well I love faffing with hair, my grandaughter has beautiful long blonde hair and I could brush it for hours if she’d let me (which she won’t, as 2 year olds are unreasonable 😂)

I wouldn’t have a clue with Afro hair but I think I’d enjoy learning about it. Saying that though I do think it’s unreasonable to expect childcare to spend so much time on your child’s hair. Havnt read the full thread but could you braid it?

Are you doing it on a regular basis though? I used to love brushing my grandmother's hair, but I wouldn't have been spending ages on it each morning and evening whilst trying to get everyone up and out.

Are you ICU medic or nurse? If you are nurse….

Totally off thread but have you considered sideways move into practice nursing? Much MUCH more family friendly, fixed (and flexible) options, no weekends/ nights/ bank holidays, lots of option to upskill in chronic disease management, lots of independence albeit (usually) in the context of a supportive team. And a vital cog in the healthcare machine.

Or shifting away from clinical into hospital governance, simulator training etc?

How long is his hair when brushed out? Has he ever had it cut?

There must be some middle ground here where you can all compromise on a more manageable (shorter or braided) cut?

If your ds is shown black or mixed race role models in the media Im pretty sure he could be easily convinced to have his hair like “name of black athlete/singer/tv presenter” he admires.

Ive never met an under 5yr child who enjoyed having their hair detangled and brushed every evening so I doubt he loves that part of it. Maybe he is resistant to his gran attempting it?

In summary, I suspect you are far more invested in his long hair than he is...!

YANBU. When you agree to do childcare you agree to provide the CARE for the child. He needs his hair doing as part of this.

Especially as grandma is so otherwise concerned with appearance yet doesn’t care about this boys hair… sadly it makes me think she is being racist/sexist, maybe unintentionally but if he was a blonde girl she’d be spending the time on it.

I think the answer is changing your work shifts, which is easier said than done but good luck.

It's a big ask. It sounds like the person is doing a lot for you already and this is too much. I think you probably need to take steps to reduce the hair maintenance.

OP You sound lovely, and I see why it’s upsetting you. I do think there’s a divide between people who think 5 minutes is more than plenty to spend on a child’s hair (me included) and people who are happy to invest more time. Nothing wrong with either view, but it’s interesting to see the range of views.

Is it bothering you that the childcarer did it for you, but not your DS? I can see why, but I wonder if age / tiredness is a factor, plus looking after two young DC when they are missing their mum and a bit out of routine is harder than just normal looking after.

Flipping heck stereotyping much?! Athletes, singers and tv presenters? Wtf?

Stop trying to take offence. I was simply suggesting asking her son if he’d like his hair like someone he’s seen on tv.

What’s your problem?