About DS's hair?

[Justinripley]

I have DC with beautiful Afro hair. They both have very different types of hair. DS1 now keeps his short and in a style that he is now able to 'look after' himself. DS2 is still young and has long hair (which he adores)

I work very long shifts which sometimes means they are away from home with a family member for days at a time.

In this time, family member refuses to do anything with DS2's hair. They find it stressful and make comments about wishing it was all cut off, the density of it, etc. At best, they put it all up into one but it's never brushed through or products used so when DS2 comes home it requires washing, detangling - which is time consuming for me and DS and sometimes uncomfortable for him. Another issue with it being pulled up and not looked after is that it causes breakage and I have noted it.

A few weeks ago I took over (more) products and sat and showed how to brush his hair that means he can have it out and it not be matted. Family member did do it and she sent me photos when I was at work (it looked lovely) but then she complained non stop afterwards that it took hours, in front of DS2.

I have spoken about this so much that she's become very nonchalant about it. She can't understand why it irks me and why I think it's very poor. I have explained that if he was a little girl with long straight hair she would never let him leave the house with it matted (which I know she wouldn't because I was that little girl!)

I have tried to send him with only protective hairstyles that don't need her to touch but the reality is that I can't ensure it is like that every week and he enjoys being able to have his hair out.

I really need this childcare arrangement to work and this is the biggest issue I have surrounding it but I'm worried about the long term impact on DS - his actual hair and his feelings towards it!

Unsure of how to move forward on this, another family member thinks I need to let it go and accept it as I'm being helped out so much.

I am white and my daughter is 25 now,but when she was little her hair could easily take 20 minutes to do,it had to be detangled,brushed and fully moisturised with product,then styled.Every night I would do the above,then braid it very quickly (1 or 2 braids),then she slept in a satin bonnet.Next morning it was easier to do and saved time before school as I was always so fussy with her hair to make sure it was looking as beautiful as can be.
I hate to see mixed race children with parents who don't bother to care for their children's hair properly and learn how to care for it.
OP sounds like she's doing a fab job of caring for her sons beautiful hair.

Unless the family member is the child's father then you are totally unreasonable.

It’s not unreasonable to ask a family member to appropriately care for your child’s hair when they’ve agreed to care for them.

I can easily spend 10-15 minutes doing my child’s (white child with 3.5ft long hair) hair in the morning and evening (fine hair prone to breakage, so protective plaits for sleeping). Hair is hygiene, I’d be royally pissed if a family member allowed my child, whom they’ve agreed to care for, walk around with matted hair.

40 minutes a day on doing a child's hair is unreasonable for a family member who (from what you write and because of your work) appears to be looking after them more often than they are with you! If it were once every few weeks, then fair enough. But not as often as this!

You are being unreasonable you should be happy you have someone willing to look after your child for days at a time!
I don't really know about Afro hair and its upkeep but couldn't you braid it or something so it's less maintenance and tidy.

Forgot to say my daughter is mixed race.

I agree with @Ignorify .

Someone in your family is willing to look after your child for days at a time. If she couldn't cook you would have to send food with your child, if she didn't have a washing machine you would have to make sure he had enough spare clothes and bedding.

I think you need to accept that - for now - you need to go with the protective hair style. Firstly because it prevents long term damage but also because it stops his hair being a negative thing that your mum is fed up about. You and he can enjoy getting his hair out as soon as he gets home.

If your older boy can deal with his own - admittedly shorter - hair then it won’t be that long until he can help out with his brother’s hair.

The other option - I guess - is a live in nanny. But that would be very expensive. And obviously won’t love your children the way your mum does.

OP has said that she providing all the things needed for her child’s hair, she needs the care to be applied to the process.

Just as in your example, OP can provide lots of clean clothes but if the family member refuses to change them then she has the right to be unhappy about it.

I understood it from the OP's subsequent post that it is 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening. If she wants this sort of commitment to the child's hair then she needs to change her job and look after the child herself. Or, she keeps her job and allows the family member the privilege of looking after her children in her absence, without forcing them to spend 40 minutes a day on hair dressing duty!

It is completely reasonable that you or another parent spends this long caring for your child’s hair. I did, my daughter had very long thick hair that took ages to wash, dry and style.
would you have expected a babysitter to carry out the same routine?

@PinkyU it is when the OP has chosen a style she herself doesn't have the time to manage. Afro hair or not it doesn't have to be all or nothing. It clearly needs to be shorter than it currently is because the parent(s) cannot manage it and they could choose to make it easier but are not doing so.

I do think there is a tad of ignorance on this thread. Culturally, his hair is important and as he is mixed race, I do worry about him being out and about with hair that looks uncared for.

I can't really change working hours (I work in ICU) although I am on the prowl for a better suited career since separating from their dad.

I had not really thought that 20 minutes was a long time to spend on hair a day as I've always done it (and did it for the both of them before DS1 cut his) but I accept that might have been an oversight on my part.

It takes 20 minutes morning and evening to care for his hair. It only takes hours if it hasn't been properly cared for. As you say if it was a little girl with very long hair then they wouldn't ignore her hair care and leave it to get knotted would they? Why should your little boy be treated any differently.

i wouldn't expect, as a sitter/minder, to spend 40 minutes a day on one child's hair. If it were a little girl? I would expect her to arrive with plaits that i would redo if necessary, max 5 minutes. Or i wouldn't take the gig.

Also interested to know (since i read no further than this) if the sitter/minder already has experience/knowledge of hair care in general and afro hair in particular.

I think it's sad that you are sure she would spend the time on a girls hair but not a boys hair

But you can't change her or force her - she's helping you

Can your eldest help ?

DS2 is 5 btw so not really able to care for his hair in the appropriate way. We have spoken about having it cut, he doesn't want it, I would never force him too.

For clarification, he usually does have it in plaits but often these need to come out due to dreaded sand at breakfast/after school club, after swimming, for hair washes etc.

I am very lucky that I have a family member to support me so well with child care so I am trying to be mindful of what I ask, but it does feel neglectful. Especially as I know how long she spent on our hair and how much she cares about image (for example, it upsets her if I haven't ironed all of their clothes - down to pants!)

but family member can also say: meh. Not prepared to do that. And OP will have to find an alternative.

There isn't mention if family member is reimbursed/paid for looking after the DCs. It is a huge ask for someone who (i'll take a punt) isn't an expert with Afro hair and has no reason, really, to learn.

Just send him with the protective hair style. Your mum doesn’t want to spend an extra 20 minutes getting him ready every morning, which is understandable

he can have his hair loose when he is with you

girls with long hair have to tie it back at school, it’s not exactly a hardship

how old is he?

YAB slightly U

My DD has LONG hair and hers takes me 10 mins, at most. You're expecting someone who isn't your DC's parent, to take 20 mins (minimum) to do your child's hair.

Put his hair into a bun (or similar) until you can deal with it. Or do it yourself before dropping DS off. Or keep it shorter until such time as he can do his own hair.
It sounds very much more like YOU adore him having long hair and much less like HE enjoys having long hair.

You cannot expect someone else to spend so long keeping up a style that you've chosen for your child, given that it requires SO much upkeep

How much are you paying for all this childcare OP?

I'd have thought that if he is old enough to care what hairstyle he has, he is old enough to deal with it himself.
I think you'll have to go either for the protective style or get it cut.
I don't understand the comparisons with a girl with long straight hair, it only take a few minutes to brush or plait long straight hair. And I do remember being told by my mum that I could only have my hair long if I was prepared to brush and plait it myself . So I learned.

I cannot even put a childs straight fine hair into a neat pony so think you are being very unreasonable to expect someone else to be able to tend your childs hair.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all for you to want your family member to care for your child's hair. My child is mixed race too and his hair does require a lot of care. We keep it short as he is autistic and hates me brushing it, but I totally agree little and often keeps it in far better condition. I don't really understand why your mum (?) won't do this for your child to avoid it getting matted.

YABU. You should be grateful a relative is willing to look after your children days in a row on a regular basis. That is hard work and the relative is being extremely generous. You don't then demand that they spend 20 minutes morning and evening (or hours on end as they recently did) on your child's hair. If your son's hair is getting damaged because your relative can't/isn't willing to take sufficient care of it, you either find alternative childcare arrangements with someone who can or you cut his hair short to make it more manageable and less prone to damage. Whether the hair in question is afro, straight, black, blond, or whatever is irrelevant. The sex of the child is also irrelevant. Those who say it wouldn't be an issue if the child was a girl with long blond hair are making this into a race issue when it has absolutely nothing to do with that.

Does a 5yo really care this much about his hair? I understand that it's culturally important but I'm not sure that kind of significance is usually given to the hair of 5yos. I work with lots of black families and it is very unusual to see a small child with anything except close cropped or plaited hair here, although obviously I'm aware not all black culture is the same.