About DS's hair?

[Justinripley]

I have DC with beautiful Afro hair. They both have very different types of hair. DS1 now keeps his short and in a style that he is now able to 'look after' himself. DS2 is still young and has long hair (which he adores)

I work very long shifts which sometimes means they are away from home with a family member for days at a time.

In this time, family member refuses to do anything with DS2's hair. They find it stressful and make comments about wishing it was all cut off, the density of it, etc. At best, they put it all up into one but it's never brushed through or products used so when DS2 comes home it requires washing, detangling - which is time consuming for me and DS and sometimes uncomfortable for him. Another issue with it being pulled up and not looked after is that it causes breakage and I have noted it.

A few weeks ago I took over (more) products and sat and showed how to brush his hair that means he can have it out and it not be matted. Family member did do it and she sent me photos when I was at work (it looked lovely) but then she complained non stop afterwards that it took hours, in front of DS2.

I have spoken about this so much that she's become very nonchalant about it. She can't understand why it irks me and why I think it's very poor. I have explained that if he was a little girl with long straight hair she would never let him leave the house with it matted (which I know she wouldn't because I was that little girl!)

I have tried to send him with only protective hairstyles that don't need her to touch but the reality is that I can't ensure it is like that every week and he enjoys being able to have his hair out.

I really need this childcare arrangement to work and this is the biggest issue I have surrounding it but I'm worried about the long term impact on DS - his actual hair and his feelings towards it!

Unsure of how to move forward on this, another family member thinks I need to let it go and accept it as I'm being helped out so much.

Personally, no I don't think it's worth losing childcare over but I think it's a shame.

I'm not sure if all black grandmothers would do it but I expect more would be willing.

I'm with you here, i have a daughter and used to keep her hair fairly short for that reason. I have curly/wavy hair and keep it mid length because it's too much work otherwise.

I think the protective option is best so if you can encourage braids for now. I do however think it is wholly unreasonable that your mum would let your son go out and about with matted hair. The microaggressions you speak of your child will pick up on as he grows. She isn't suitable childcare in the longterm.

Do you have any contact with their dad or dad's side? Would anyone there be willing to help?

No one should be denigrating your child's appearance in front of your child.

You should not be discussing what is/isn't happening the way you want it too in front of your child. It sets up a battlefield and all the negativity you want to avoid for your children.

Expectations on a family manner doing childcare for free always seem to be higher than when there is paid for childcare.
I doubt a qualified child care professional would be expected to do anything with any hair except a quick bunch or plait.

I do think having childcare responsibilities changes the grandparent/grandchild dynamic, understandably you want your mum to treat your child as you perceive she treated you. The difference is your mum has raised her kids, she's older, your sons hair is something she doesn't have experience of and in my experience Parents do not take kindly to being 'instructed' on how to do something correctly by their adult children.

My dc have curly hair and I'd always braid it before any day trip, overnight experience.

Children need to be taught to comprise. He wants to keep his beautiful hair but Grandma can't manage it so it has to be in a protective style for that period.

I can see that your mum is probably the only option for childcare if you work shift in ITU. You need to work around this to prevent resentment all around.

I look after my nieces once a week and find doing their hair very stressful and theirs is regular straight hair. I think it's a big ask to expect your childcare to spend 20 mins a day doing hair.

OP you either need to cut their hair, get a new job or get someone else to look after them.

If you don’t want to do any of the above then you need to stop moaning.

As a teacher I am not going to spend time doing your child’s hair and I get paid to look after your child.

A family member doing you a favour so you don’t have to pay thousands in childcare should absolutely not have to worry about doing kids hair and you should just be grateful.

Stop trying to make it a race issue when it’s not.

Have you looked into braids? I cornrow or plait my girls hair and it lasts all week with a satin bonnet at night and a swim cap for the pool. The only time we had issues was at Preschool with the sand pit but it would be fine until the next time I was free to be able to do it. I'm also a nurse who works long shifts and this is the way we manage. I think when you use family members for childcare you have to make huge compromises. I love my daughters hair but I have opted to keep my sons hair shorter although he still has some curls but it's so much easier to manage

I think that atm your son needs to accept that he can't just have his hair out when he wants to.

Part of being able to keep it long is protective styles as & when necessary.

I hope you find a solution to your work.

4hrs sleep & back to ICU is scary!

I understand the importance of identity issues, but do you not think that you (and your son) are far too focussed on his appearance? He is only 5 and has a long life ahead of him to be concerned about how he looks.

It's a tough one, but ultimately the care giver gets the final say.

If she can't/won't do it, then other arrangements need to be made.

I can understand your ds wanting to wear his hair out. It must feel more “free” than having it braided.

I can also understand how his long hair could become easily matted and you say it causes him discomfort having it sorted out (by you) after being moved around care givers/ school/ after school clubs/friend’s houses over several days.

The obvious solution is to have it short enough to wear loose all the time. That will also make his hair more manageable for grandma and himself whilst retaining some of his Afro curls.

An undercut may also help take out some of the volume.
Your mum should be on board with some care of his shorter hair? She loved how it looked when she did put effort into brushing it all out so I don’t think she dislikes how he looks, just the work load his long thick hair comes with.

I don’t think he’ll lose his identity by having his hair cut? How? He’s still the same boy. He’ll still have the afro hair he likes, that he sees on his brother, his dad or extended family. He has the choice to grow his hair out when he’s bigger.

Hats off to you juggling long shifts and single motherhood. Don’t make your life anymore difficult for yourself or your mum X

I think whilst you're on nights that really is the reality for most of us nurses - especially those who are mum's. X

*mums

I wouldn't sorbs 20 mins in my own hair twice a day let alone anyone else's.

Yabu to expect that

This is an obvious question but is your mum coping with the number of hours she has the kids?

If she is clinging on with her fingernails it would explain why she can’t face doing anything else.

It would be hard for her to admit to struggling when she knows how reliant on her you are.

Your DS is too young to style it, and by your own admission, you don't always have time to style it - so you need to cut it into a style that is manageable for you both. When your DS is capable of doing his own hair, then he can decide what style he has it in - and I would say the same regardless of his race or sex.

You're incredibly fortunate that your family and friends provide you with so much childcare - I think the least you can do is make it easy as possible for them, and in this case, that means styling his hair in a way that's manageable for all his caregivers.

Sorry yabu, regardless of the type of hair no one should be expected to spend up to 20min on hair if they are providing you with childcare. All good and well your son likes his hair, but if he is too young to care for it himself then tough it needs to be cut. I absolutely loved long hair when I was 5, but I couldn't grow it long because it was curly and tangled a lot and there wasn't any time to faff around with that. At around 8/9 I could manage and was able to have it long. It is an unreasonable ask of you, regardless of the type of hair.

The reality is in black families, there is often a tradition of cainrow and braiding and so therefore the expensive style you pay for could be done by ‘grandma’ in minutes.

My grandmother could have 5 of us plaited to within an inch of our lives over the course of a film.

However all of my male relatives had short hair until they were old enough to take part in their own hair care.

I’m a mixed race woman and would not be spending that kind of time on hair daily.

I have tried to send him with only protective hairstyles that don't need her to touch but the reality is that I can't ensure it is like that every week

I think if you struggle to find the time to do his hair in the protective style, then it really isn’t fair to expect anyone else to spend 20 minutes in what will be an already busy morning.

It's unfortunate but sometimes people only have a certain amount of energy to give, and if the person helping with childcare can't/won't help with the hair, then I don't see what you can do to force them. They might have other priorities with their time and the children, e.g. reading and homework supervision. If the relative is older they might find certain work with the hair is hard on their fingers/eyes (but might not want to admit this weakness to you).

I've asked relatives to help with things but they all have their strong points and points they don't want to do so I've just learnt to ask for help where the person (usually grandparent) actually wants to help.

But the OP has said that the grandma DID spend lots of time and effort on a white girls hair in the past. So she was willing to do time consuming hair care for a white girl, but isn’t for this black boy. Different to your situation and I’m not throwing accusations wildly, I’m pointing out the obvious about this grandma, not about you.

She did it for her daughter didn't she? Presumably she was 20 or 30 years younger and caring for her own child, now she is older and helping her daughter out with childcare. Not the same thing at all.

I've got children from two relationships, two mixed race, two white, similar with GC, although there is a fifth. I did do my own kids hair, white or mixed race, I have less inclination and patience to do it with GC. Of course I wasn't 70 when I was doing my kids hair and I kept their hair at a length that was easier to manage, I don't have that control with GC and obviously the same applies with the OPs mother.

I’m pointing out the obvious about this grandma

no, the obvious things are

she was a lot younger
she was responsible for her child

But the OP has said that the grandma DID spend lots of time and effort on a white girls hair in the past. So she was willing to do time consuming hair care for a white girl, but isn’t for this black boy.

I'm pretty sure OP is referring to herself when she was a child.

You can't compare what she did 20/30 years ago to what she's doing now. It's two totally different scenarios.

It's not an exact comparison though because a little girl with fine long hair would not need 40 minutes every day to sort out - it could be brushed through and then plaited to keep tidy- 5 mins max.

It sounds like the person (your mum?) doing the childcare is doing you a huge favour so if she doesn't want to spend that much time doing your sons hair that's her decision to make and yours to manage - whether that's telling dc he has to have his hair tied up when he's with her and making sure you put it in a manageable style before then, or dealing with the after effects if he leaves it loose.

I'm trying to think of a comparison -for example if you only wanted dc to eat vegan food but she wasn't willing to spend that long cooking specific meals every day and said she will give them what the rest of the family are eating (meat) or you provide your own food - again she's doing you a favour, while you might not agree with it, onus would be on you to either accept her cooking or pre cook meals for her to heat up.

However it is absolutely fair enough to tell her not to make comments in front of dc, I agree that's not nice and is unnecessary - it's a conversation you and she can have. I suppose you think she's ignoring you when you keep saying this is an issue but you're equally guilty of ignoring her when she keeps saying she doesn't want to do it!

They're Sara two different issues here and I don't think it's helpful to consolidate them.

Grandma finds the hair care difficult and therefore reasonably shouldn't be 'expected' to do this when she is already helping a great deal. Parent should make it possible for Grandma to care for child without undue expectations to complete a task which is over and above that which she is comfortable and happy with.

Grandma talks disparagingly and repeatedly in front of child about the undesirable/difficult nature of their hair. Not ok.
Tact and discretion about how you frame things should be exercised, just as you would when taking about anyone and their physical reality. To do otherwise could well give the child a horrible self perception they don't deserve.