About DS's hair?

[Justinripley]

I have DC with beautiful Afro hair. They both have very different types of hair. DS1 now keeps his short and in a style that he is now able to 'look after' himself. DS2 is still young and has long hair (which he adores)

I work very long shifts which sometimes means they are away from home with a family member for days at a time.

In this time, family member refuses to do anything with DS2's hair. They find it stressful and make comments about wishing it was all cut off, the density of it, etc. At best, they put it all up into one but it's never brushed through or products used so when DS2 comes home it requires washing, detangling - which is time consuming for me and DS and sometimes uncomfortable for him. Another issue with it being pulled up and not looked after is that it causes breakage and I have noted it.

A few weeks ago I took over (more) products and sat and showed how to brush his hair that means he can have it out and it not be matted. Family member did do it and she sent me photos when I was at work (it looked lovely) but then she complained non stop afterwards that it took hours, in front of DS2.

I have spoken about this so much that she's become very nonchalant about it. She can't understand why it irks me and why I think it's very poor. I have explained that if he was a little girl with long straight hair she would never let him leave the house with it matted (which I know she wouldn't because I was that little girl!)

I have tried to send him with only protective hairstyles that don't need her to touch but the reality is that I can't ensure it is like that every week and he enjoys being able to have his hair out.

I really need this childcare arrangement to work and this is the biggest issue I have surrounding it but I'm worried about the long term impact on DS - his actual hair and his feelings towards it!

Unsure of how to move forward on this, another family member thinks I need to let it go and accept it as I'm being helped out so much.

You can’t expect someone to spend lots of time on doing your dc hair.
Most black people whose children have afro hair keeps it in protective styles because as gorgeous as it is, it can be very time consuming. Heck, most adults do with long hair do the same.

Just put the kid’s hair in simple protective styling and let him have it out when you’re there to spend 40mins a day combing it 🙄

Why not? my daughter is blonde and white with curly hair, it got too long and was getting matted, which is a nuisance for everyone, including her, and so I cut it. We were all more relaxed all round. When she can look after it herself, she can have it as long as she likes.

How long is he spending with this person for his hair to come back matted? If he is only there overnight I'm confused. Is he staying a number of days on a regular basis?

I think your only option when he goes to stay there is to have it plaited / tied up and you brush and wash at home only.

20 minutes morning and 20 minutes in the evening is a long time to expect someone who is helping you by providing childcare, to spend doing their hair.

It's not fair on the child to complain.

But I'm guessing the mum has no experience of Afro hair. She has zero obligation to learn anything other than the most basic care and if she's not prepared to spend 20/40 (it wasn't clear) a day on it?

That is her decision to make.
And sure, it sucks for OP and DC. But. There are options and in OP's shoes I'd be explaining to DC that when he can do his own hair care he can have it how he likes, but for now he needs to protect it by keeping it short

It's a shame but life is full of compromises

Twice a week but to be fair it sometimes doesn’t need doing, I just like doing it (much to her annoyance)

This sounds really hard OP.

To the pp who said the race of the child is irrelevant - you are wrong! Hair is massively important culturally and as a mixed race child with a white mum and grandma the OP's son should not be made to feel his hair is problematic or "other" aspect to him when he clearly feels it's a big part of his identity.

OP It is unfortunate that your mum doesn't seem to understand the sensitivities and significance surrounding hair and identity, especially for Black / mixed race boys, and it's a shame she hasn't educated herself about it as their grandma. That said, if she's saying she doesn't want to do it then you can't force her especially since she's helping you out with childcare. So I'd either find different childcare or send him to her with braids until he's able to care for it himself.

However, in the meantime I would definitely be having a word with her and asking her to stop all negative talk about his hair immediately. Eg no "oh thank goodness, these braids are SO much easier" talk.

YANBU. When you agree to do childcare you agree to provide the CARE for the child. He needs his hair doing as part of this

they are doing her a massive favour though. If o/p says you agreed to provide childcare you need to do his hair, and they say ok then we won’t do childcare if you aren’t happy with us, then what?

o/p does long shifts, and needs childcare for days at a time. Nursery or childminder won’t cut it, even if their is a short notice place. She’s looking at a live in nanny, which may not be practical or affordable.

if it’s dealbreaker o/p, find new childcare.

I have tried to send him with only protective hairstyles that don't need her to touch but the reality is that I can't ensure it is like that every week and he enjoys being able to have his hair out.

If you want 'days on end' childcare then it's not unreasonable to expect you to send him with only protective hairstyles because your family member (I assume your mum) has said she finds it stressful.
He can have his hair out when he's with you and you can carry out the necessary care for his hair.

My DD hasn't got Afro hair but she has long, thick, curly hair. When she was too little to sort it herself, it would take me AGES to get it knot free and looking presentable.

I'd NEVER expect anyone looking after her to put in the effort that I had to. I'd have shoved it in plaits and be done with it.

Not that you should have to, but would DS1 be willing to learn how to maintain his hair whilst there?

If I agreed to look after someone's child, I would factor in caring for their hair, especially if it was higher maintenance. No skin off my nose, that's part of what I would have agreed to.

YABVU

This person looks after your children so you can go out to work and you’re moaning about something so petty as hair.

Why not get a different job which doesn’t require shift work and then you’d be able to do your child’s hair more often.

Whenever my DD (Afro hair) had a sleepover I would plait her hair so it didn’t get as tangled as if it was left down.
I would never expect anyone to spend time doing it.

Most kids come home with messy hair and it’s not up to childcare providers, teachers or family members to look after it.

This is your issue and if you can’t cope with it then you’ll have to cut it short or get a different job.

I have tried to send him with only protective hairstyles that don't need her to touch but the reality is that I can't ensure it is like that every week and he enjoys being able to have his hair out

so you can’t deal with his hair regularly to protect it yet you’re expecting others to deal with the consequences of it?

you’re a CF. Make time to send him with protective hairstyles and stop expecting someone who’s doing you a favour to deal with it instead.

It’s only hair. Honestly, he may enjoy having his hair out, but it sounds like that’s not practical while he’s too small to look after it himself.
My daughter enjoyed having hair she could sit on, but it wasn’t practical with all the sport she played so she cut it to a more manageable length. It’s only hair.

I think if you are asking family to provide hours of childcare that you literally couldn't buy and pay for because it extends well beyond ordinary childcare and essentially crosses over into parenting, then you have to let them do things their way. It often causes conflict, and I think you are right to be looking for a different job that will allow you to carry out all the normal parenting stuff and pay for childcare which is just childcare - that will keep expectations and boundaries clearer.

Can you not braid his hair?

It's what I'd do in this situation.

Taking care of a childs hair is basic care, 20 minutes isn’t a long time at all, if someone wasn’t willing to provide such basic levels of care I’d be worrying what else they’re neglecting.

This

It depends how stressful those 2*20 minutes actually are

The 20 minutes in the morning might be a rush to get them up and ready when you are half asleep

Sorry, I disagree to say it's only hair. This is clearly part of this child's identity and something he values. I don't think the problem is the hair, it's that his parents aren't able to provide the level of input he needs

He's only two and he loves his hair? nah.. you do. Get it cut for goodness' sake

Not when they’re doing the mum a favour and not being paid enough for it.

This isn’t their job, they’re doing it so the OP can work long shifts.

If OP doesn’t like how her children are being cared for then she can choose not to have that person looking after them.
I have a feeling she won’t do that though.

Tbf though a little girl with really long hair it would take maybe five minutes to brush through and put in a plait or ponytail. Forty minutes a day is a lot.

I think your options are change jobs to enable you to see your children daily, paid childcare (live in nanny) then you can dictate or you find a way that doesn’t require grandparent providing free care to do his hair - braided, cut short etc.
Whatever her reasons lack of confidence, lack of time, ignorance you can’t force her to spend lots of time on his hair.
It sounds like she’s minding 2 children for days on end which is a huge favour.

Its not practical

This. Regardless of how beautiful it looks or how much he adores his hair, it’s not practical.

I find it hard to believe a 5 year old enjoys sitting still every morning and evening while having their hair treated with product and painstakingly detangled and brushed for 20 minutes.

Perhaps your mum has difficulty getting him to comply? Does he struggle and complain? My children certainly did at that age- they hated having their hair detangled and brushed and would much rather be off playing.

To be fair to your mum, she did follow your instructions and use the products you gave her and it sounds like she was proud of the results- sending you photos and so on.
She might be more capable of doing his hair regularly if it was a bit shorter. Your ds might be happier if he had to spend less time getting his hair done too?

Dont turn his hair into a big issue between you and your mum- your ds will pick up on that.
Find a compromise that works for you all?