About DS's hair?

[Justinripley]

I have DC with beautiful Afro hair. They both have very different types of hair. DS1 now keeps his short and in a style that he is now able to 'look after' himself. DS2 is still young and has long hair (which he adores)

I work very long shifts which sometimes means they are away from home with a family member for days at a time.

In this time, family member refuses to do anything with DS2's hair. They find it stressful and make comments about wishing it was all cut off, the density of it, etc. At best, they put it all up into one but it's never brushed through or products used so when DS2 comes home it requires washing, detangling - which is time consuming for me and DS and sometimes uncomfortable for him. Another issue with it being pulled up and not looked after is that it causes breakage and I have noted it.

A few weeks ago I took over (more) products and sat and showed how to brush his hair that means he can have it out and it not be matted. Family member did do it and she sent me photos when I was at work (it looked lovely) but then she complained non stop afterwards that it took hours, in front of DS2.

I have spoken about this so much that she's become very nonchalant about it. She can't understand why it irks me and why I think it's very poor. I have explained that if he was a little girl with long straight hair she would never let him leave the house with it matted (which I know she wouldn't because I was that little girl!)

I have tried to send him with only protective hairstyles that don't need her to touch but the reality is that I can't ensure it is like that every week and he enjoys being able to have his hair out.

I really need this childcare arrangement to work and this is the biggest issue I have surrounding it but I'm worried about the long term impact on DS - his actual hair and his feelings towards it!

Unsure of how to move forward on this, another family member thinks I need to let it go and accept it as I'm being helped out so much.

He’s 5 but I do agree.

Most parents keep their young DCs hair short because it’s easier to manage, regardless of race or texture.

IMO you have to prioritise.
My DC had short, easy to manage hair until they were old enough to deal with it themselves.
I had to rely on childminder/babysitter when they were small and it just would not have been reasonable to ask them to spend time doing hair.

40 minutes on hair a day is a huge time commitment.
Granny has 2 children to get up and get ready for school, breakfast and walk to school. 20 mins just doing hair on one dc isn’t practical.

That is before you even get to the ubiquitous headlice in schools.

Taking opinions on board.

Sadly, it is not as easy as 'getting another job' or paying for live in childcare - I'm a single mum, nurse, renting in London. It's a palaver.

He does usually have it in braids but unfortunately due to the nature of my shift work they can go through a lot of caregivers in a matter of days (family member, breakfast club, school, extra curricular, friends - that whole list has now made me feel very neglectful writing it down but unfortunately until circumstances change that is the reality - times are tough!) which means it is not possible for me to always do protective hairstyles that then still look presentable days later!

I am very lucky (and grateful) for the sheer amount of childcare she provides us with. I do understand that and carry a lot of guilt surrounding this to begin with - I don't think I'm a CF for believing (minimal) caring for DS2's hair is important - but I do need to reevaluate where I go from here on this matter.

For the question about what happens in black families - when they stay with their black grandparents, all five grandchildren are sat one after the other whilst their hair is parted, combed, greased, plaited (or tied up) unless it has been very recently done - but I understand that is the other grandma's choice to allocate time to that, but she is obviously more aware of the importance of their hair care.

I didn't want to mention race as I feel it would be thrown back quite quickly but I think part of my issue is that inside I do believe there is an element of micro-aggression in this, which obviously makes me worried/sad.

I don’t think many of the responders on this thread understand the slightest thing about black or mixed race hair.

A black grandma would invariably put the effort in, so it’s inexcusable for a white grandma to declare she just can’t be arsed and it’s too difficult. What message are they putting across to their grandchild about their appearance and their heritage?

And yes, it really goes as deep as that.

Surely it’s your job to do your child’s hair though? You wouldn’t drop your child to nursery in their night time nappy, no breakfast, face unwashed and hair unbrushed so why is this different?

You dress your child appropriately in the morning, wash them and do their hair neat and tidy before handing them over to childcare. It’s even more important that you do this when the childcare is free. Why pile on the work for them just because you aren’t paying?

Could you switch to nights then you could see his before and after school and do his hair then.
Could dad be involved in hair care eg taking him to barber or for braids so it’s a positive (dad and son activity) not a negative to have that style.

While 20 mins may seem like a while for hair (it does for me as normally my five year old takes one minute of a brush through her hair and she is good to go).

For something so integral to your DSs identity (especially when parents separated) I think 20 mins is nothing...surely all it would take is him sitting watching some TV or having a chat with Granny while it's done and the time would fly by!

And for those assuming that he doesn't comply or sit nicely for his hair being done. He does. The same way his brother, cousins, step sister so on...it is his normal and when their hair is cared for it is not uncomfortable or painful - and is quick!

It's a 20 minute MAXIMUM to comb through and tie up in one on days it is needed to be done I.e after wash day (which I always do as that can be quite a long process I feel unfair to make her do)

Canerow of course can take hours, but lasts weeks. except I'm not as good at this to a very high level so usually I will pay for this to be done but it is very expensive so can't be done monthly - if I've done it it's probably good for 1 week or 2 and less so if he's been to swim club, got filthy, etc

I do not see my DC before or after school when I'm on long days. When I am on nights I get home after they are at school, I sleep for 4 hours, collect them from school, drop them to family members and then head off back to work.

Yes, nursing truly is the shittest career as a single mum.

Thanks to the previous poster who suggested previous roles to get into. I am finishing my ICU course which changes my band and then I am looking for an out as sadly it's not a sustainable career with small children on your own

20 mins is a long time, ifvyou kept at me about it I would politely ask you to go somewhere else for childcare

They don't have a dad to see anymore. That would be the ideal option of course so I can see why that is being suggested!

I don't understand about black or mixed race hair but it's important to care for it properly and I feel you might have hit the nail on the head. Surely, as their relative who loves and cares for them, this is part of what you sign up for when agreeing to provide childcare.

Nothing excuses her taking about this issue in this way in front of the child.
If she can't cope with the hair (or won't try to learn or adjust her habits/expectations to meet reality) then I think that despite all her many other excellent qualities/help she is letting them down on this issue by the fact that she is willing to let them hear how their hair is a bad thing for her.

I'd try to talk to her, she might not have thought it through and if she struggles with it, it is likely true she isn't happy with their hair... But there are many things you could be unhappy about, but it's not fair to say so in front of the poor person who can't help it.
My DD is (probably) autistic (not diagnosed), some aspects of her reality are not easy, should her grandparents talk at length in front of her about how she is a nightmare when she struggles to regulate her emotions?

Sadly, it is not as easy as 'getting another job' or paying for live in childcare - I'm a single mum, nurse, renting in London. It's a palaver.

I know it is not easy - I am also a working single mother living in London. I am not going to lie - it has greatly limited which jobs I can do, what responsibilities I can take on, what money I can earn.

But the truth is once you are a single parent you can't be gone for days. My son had a demanding eczema maintenance process which nobody but me was going to follow meticulously (thank god it has eased now). If I left him with my parents they couldn't keep up with it. Other children have allergies, medication regimens, etc etc. Nobody but you (or presumably their father since he must have been doing this while you were together) is going to do all this stuff to the standard you would do. So rather than trying to control relatives to do things to your exact specifications, the reality is that you need a job that allows you to see your children daily and provide basic care.

I was advocating it for my GD. Yes her long blonde hair looked lovely but it was a total pain dealing with it and I was thrilled to bits when she said she wanted it cut and had a really cute bob.

I think YABU and nothing to do with race. One of mine doesn’t have that hair type per se but does have to go to an Afro service and their required care is the same. No way did we have the 20mins you described to faff around with it when they were young - two parents working full time opposite shifts, lots of overtime, and doing full time childcare. So that was a buzz cut until they were old enough to adequately look after it themselves per instruction and that was mid teens. It’s also not sexist as my DD chose to have long hair but that meant really tight braids that were uncomfortable for the first day so they would last a few days, again there was no time to faff about. Surely if children want long hair or have a high maintenance hair type then they must accept it may not be to their liking as it needs to be made manageable for others until they are old enough to manage it independently?

And she has the right to look after her own child or find child care that suits her.

It is time consuming I expect. But tying it up isn’t fair because of the breakages. I spent a lot of my 20s with black people and can remember the time spent on hair care, often in the evenings actually.

I would have it braided as much as possible. Have you tried twists? Though I’m sure it is beautiful down.
Have a conversation about ‘minimum care’. Maybe comb it for the duration of an episode of Peppa or whatever he likes (or two episodes). Find a way to help the carer get that time back- eg send a packed lunch or even breakfast so it’s one less thing for them to do.
You could maybe send pastries and fruit on hair combing days.

Would you have time to start it before work?

If hair is the only thing you have to worry about with the free childcare you get that allows you to work, then either stop caring or get his hair cut into a more manageable style. The worst scenario is if you push and push and your family member decides it's all too much hassle and you're too bossy and unappreciative and they stop offering childcare all together.

Just appreciate what you have and don't sweat the small things.

Don't start throwing around accusations about racism. I hated doing my GDs beautiful long blonde hair. Not helped as although she loved her hair she was a pain in the backside about getting it brushed.

I kept my girls hair manageable when they were little exactly because I wanted them to be able to get their hair wet, play in dirt do sport and then not to have to spend an hour sitting in the evening having it combed out and looking back now maybe I did this because they were girls and I didn't want them to think that looking pretty and having lovely hair was a burden or a job or a focus. Of course you want it to be looked after but I wouldn't have wanted them to have to think about it too much at that age.

Similarly, I always made sure they had shoes they could climb a tree in and I think I saw their hair in the same sort of way as that.

As young children one of them opted to still have shorter hair as she couldn't be bothered with the maintenance. She did not want to sit there at night when she could be playing instead.

It wasn't until she was about thirteen when she became more interested in it and they are teenagers now and their hair is important to them. It's a part of their identity as black women.

But if they decide that it wasn’t what they signed up for, is it worth losing the childcare over it?

would all black grandma’s put the effort in, or would there be any that suggested braids or a haircut as they don’t have time? Most of the kids at dc school have braids as it saves time on a morning for their mums who have to get to work.

i was the same with my kids. Low maintenance all the way until they’re old enough to sort themselves.

I am assuming the family member in question complained about his hair within earshot deliberately so that he would realise how difficult and time consuming his hair was in the current state. I disagree that this child's hair is comparable to autism in that he can actually make it easier to manage if he agrees to get it cut while an autistic person can't make themselves less autistic. Thing is, he is refusing to get his hair cut despite the fact that the person looking after his hair is not himself but the childminder. Plenty of parents have said on this thread that they dictated the hair length/style of their children to make it easier for themselves until the children were old enough to take care of their own hair. I think that is a reasonable approach to take. If I'm having to do something for you, I should get a say in how to do it.