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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS doesn't want to invite my close friend's son to party

128 replies

Notherenotnow · 11/04/2023 20:33

I have a school mum friend who I have been close to for 5 years now. As a result, our sons became very good friends and have always been in the same class at school.

Over the past year, my son has tried to distance himself from my friend's son somewhat, as he annoys him at school and DS has found other friends that have similar interests. We still all walk home together etc, and they both have the same friendship group, so he hasn't cut him off completely.

It's my son's birthday soon and he is adamant that he does not want to invite my friend's son as he will ruin it. He will only be inviting 5 children anyway, but my friend will definitely be expecting an invite.

I just don't know what to do...my friend is so lovely but this will put a huge strain on our relationship if I don't invite him. However, if I do, then I have ruined my son's special day.

Just so I'm not drip feeding - I have experienced my friend's son's behaviour towards my DS when I pick him up from school sometimes. He can be quite unruly, shouting out of the car window, annoying my son. I let it go because my friend has a difficult life and she is very defensive of her son, so there's no point rocking the boat as such.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 11/04/2023 20:35

Why wouldn't you put your own child's feelings and wellbeing before that of your friend?

LeopardPrintTits · 11/04/2023 20:37

You’ve said it yourself that your son’s friend can be unruly and annoying.

This would be a no brainer for me, don’t invite him!

mynameiscalypso · 11/04/2023 20:38

You need to separate your friendship to your son's.

Maray1967 · 11/04/2023 20:38

Agreed. Your son is not excluding only one child from the class for no good reason - which I don’t think is acceptable. He is having a small group so I don’t see why you can’t say that it’s just his best friends. If she gets upset that’s her problem.

Original poster
Notherenotnow · 11/04/2023 20:39

Of course I won't invite him if DS really doesn't want to. I suppose I'm asking more how to explain/navigate the situation with my friend. We have done everything together for birthdays since they were tiny.

OP posts:
AndTheSurveySays · 11/04/2023 20:40

It's your son's birthday, let him have the nice day he wants.

Dontsparethehorses · 11/04/2023 20:41

Just say ds is just having a small number of closest friends to his party this year - it’s true. I’m sure she will know they aren’t as close as they were before!

Morningcoffeeview · 11/04/2023 20:41

This is really difficult but it’s your sons birthday not your friends so I think you ought to do what he wants. I’d feel differently if it was a big party but it isn’t.

readbooksdrinktea · 11/04/2023 20:41

He's annoying you and your son. Don't force an invitation. Your son should be allowed to enjoy his party without having to be mixed up in managing your friendships.

MissingMoominMamma · 11/04/2023 20:43

Why don’t you ask your son whether he’s prepared to do something on another day with just that friend. Something fun. Dress it up as another birthday celebration to the friend and then he’s not excluded.

TheLoupGarou · 11/04/2023 20:45

If he doesn't want to invite him then I don't think you should - you can't force them to be friends.

Surely your friend is aware that they aren't as close as they used to be?

Blinkingheckythump · 11/04/2023 20:46

I would invite him, especially as you've said that they have the same friendship group. It would be really mean to not invite him

Laiste · 11/04/2023 20:48

Oh nightmare! OP!

I get it. I have a similar situation but without the party bit.

The child keeps asking my DC if she can come back round on playdates but she's frankly a PITA! The mums lovely though. I mean what do you say!!?

You'll have to bite the bullet and say, in the best way you can - you know her - that you asked DS to chose 5, and DS has chosen a surprise selection of mates this time and it's v, w, x, y and z! Rolly eyes ect. You can be more serious and go on to say just because our kids aren't bestest buddies it doesn't mean we're not still good friends though ovs! Or something.

Good luck with it OP.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 11/04/2023 20:50

I'd do 2 parties, one at the activity he wants then something with the other lad and the mum. Would either do a tea party with a few games, even if like bingo so you and other mum can play or if budget allows cinema or something. I would also be honest if she asked and just say although a special friend he's not a best friend anymore

Hedonism · 11/04/2023 20:51

I have exactly the same dilemma. I'm not going to make ds invite the friend - it's his party not mine, and I can see that it would totally change the dynamics - but at the same time I'm dreading the conversation with my friend to say he's not invited 🙈

HidingUnderMyDuvet · 11/04/2023 20:51

I could have written this post!! I'm going with @Blinkingheckythump angle. I think it would be too unkind for him to exclude the friend in question, so I have asked DS to invite him. He understands and has agreed. I'm still not sure I've done the right thing, but it is where I'm at!

Eggseggseverywhere · 11/04/2023 20:52

Just tell her ds is having a school mate thing and then a coffee /cake trip for them.

Morningcoffeeview · 11/04/2023 20:53

Laiste · 11/04/2023 20:48

Oh nightmare! OP!

I get it. I have a similar situation but without the party bit.

The child keeps asking my DC if she can come back round on playdates but she's frankly a PITA! The mums lovely though. I mean what do you say!!?

You'll have to bite the bullet and say, in the best way you can - you know her - that you asked DS to chose 5, and DS has chosen a surprise selection of mates this time and it's v, w, x, y and z! Rolly eyes ect. You can be more serious and go on to say just because our kids aren't bestest buddies it doesn't mean we're not still good friends though ovs! Or something.

Good luck with it OP.

I have the same with a close friend. Her child is a nightmare. He’s so unruly, other friends have banned him from their house and asked friend to pay for damages in their home. I let it go as I like my friend but my DH hates having them round. At a party he kept sending them back out to the garden 😂

rampila · 11/04/2023 20:53

I'm in a similar situation, (except for my DD friend is lovely and not disruptive etc as you've described). They get on fine at school just not in the same friendship group. When DD has small parties she doesn't invite her - my friend is absolutely fine with it. And vice versa - friend has parties / play dates without my DD. When I have parties, my friend and her daughter are invited.,, and we all have a blast. It's just not a big deal

MrsSweatyBetty · 11/04/2023 20:56

So your young son has to demonstrate a higher level of emotional intelligence than your adult mum friend because you don't know how to manage this? That's insane.
Her child sounds dreadful. I wouldn't invite him, I'd put my child's feelings first.

RandomUsernameHere · 11/04/2023 20:56

This is a bit sneaky, but can you arrange the party for a weekend they're away, then invite him knowing they can't make it Grin

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2023 20:56

Please don't be like my mother. She forced me to have a relationship with her friend's daughter for YEARS because of their friendship. I couldn't stand the girl and it was misery being around her all the fucking time. She was awful, and she treated her little sisters appallingly. I finally put my foot down when I was 12 and absolutely refused to ever see her again.

VioletMountainHare · 11/04/2023 20:56

Will your friend’s son be the only child from the friendship group that isn’t invited?

lunar1 · 11/04/2023 20:59

Don't force your son's friendships to suit yourself. You will have to be honest with your friend.

I'm f your ds wants to distance himself he should be allowed to, I'd start making your friendship completely separate from your children.

knottsberryfarm · 11/04/2023 21:00

If you friendship with this mum hinges on one party invite it's not much of a friendship to be honest. Your son has moved on.