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Original poster

DS doesn't want to invite my close friend's son to party

128 replies

Notherenotnow · 11/04/2023 20:33

I have a school mum friend who I have been close to for 5 years now. As a result, our sons became very good friends and have always been in the same class at school.

Over the past year, my son has tried to distance himself from my friend's son somewhat, as he annoys him at school and DS has found other friends that have similar interests. We still all walk home together etc, and they both have the same friendship group, so he hasn't cut him off completely.

It's my son's birthday soon and he is adamant that he does not want to invite my friend's son as he will ruin it. He will only be inviting 5 children anyway, but my friend will definitely be expecting an invite.

I just don't know what to do...my friend is so lovely but this will put a huge strain on our relationship if I don't invite him. However, if I do, then I have ruined my son's special day.

Just so I'm not drip feeding - I have experienced my friend's son's behaviour towards my DS when I pick him up from school sometimes. He can be quite unruly, shouting out of the car window, annoying my son. I let it go because my friend has a difficult life and she is very defensive of her son, so there's no point rocking the boat as such.

OP posts:
Blinkingheckythump · 12/04/2023 08:09

clpsmum · 11/04/2023 22:22

So you think op should consider everybody else's feelings before those of her son?

Show quote history

I think she should not exclude one person from a group of friends yes. How horrible would it be to be the only one not invited from your friend group?

clpsmum · 12/04/2023 08:13

@Blinkingheckythump he's not the only one excluded though her son is only taking five friends. How horrible would it be to be forced to have somebody you don't like at your very small birthday treat

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 12/04/2023 08:19

Good grief, what a big drama some of you are making this. OP just needs to be honest with the boy's mum, tell her that your son doesn't want him at his party as they aren't as close, there's only 5 places and he has other friends he'd prefer, job done.

SpilltheTea · 12/04/2023 08:21

If your friend can't cope with her son not receiving an invite, she needs psychiatric help. It's not their birthday and it's not that deep. Why should your son appease a fully grown woman?

Blinkingheckythump · 12/04/2023 08:22

clpsmum · 12/04/2023 08:13

@Blinkingheckythump he's not the only one excluded though her son is only taking five friends. How horrible would it be to be forced to have somebody you don't like at your very small birthday treat

If he is part of a larger friend group that's different, if he's the only one in the group not invited that's the issue

clpsmum · 12/04/2023 08:36

@Blinkingheckythump oh I agree I didn't realise he was the only being left out I thought there were a few. No I. Couldn't single out one child like that either

Climbles · 12/04/2023 08:44

Whatisthisanyidea · 11/04/2023 22:25

Could you do a different 1-1 activity

Do you do this? Invite your friends to a party and then have another outing with someone you dislike?

Is that what you want to teach your child?

Yes. I might see my step sister separately. Not that I don’t like her just that it’s a different vibe to my friends and I she can sometimes behave inappropriately (getting hammered, flirting with married men etc). Sometimes we do need to make the effort with family and family friends etc

Tumbler2121 · 12/04/2023 08:51

Please put your son first. If you insist on having this child invited your son may not want a party at all.

how would you feel if you had your own birthday meal with friends planned and someone brought along their friend who always annoyed you and made it all about them?

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 12/04/2023 12:54

Goldbar · 11/04/2023 23:23

True, but you (and they) need to be prepared for the consequences. Not inviting this child will change the dynamic. The friend's DS will be unlikely to include the OP's DS going forward and that may end up splitting the friendship group. The OP's DS may ultimately find himself excluded from the group. Worth thinking about how it might pan out.

Show quote history

I haven’t read anything the suggests in any way Ops DS is interested in attending his parties so I don’t see the problem there. This is only an issue because of OPs friendship with the boys mother simple, nothing to do with a friendship group between the kids.

So yes if it was a bigger party I may push to invite the boy but if her son is only inviting his closest 5 friends the he should not be forced to invite someone who he isn’t friends with and doesn’t want to be friends with.

Aria2015 · 12/04/2023 16:42

@AndTheSurveySays yes, and I have done, both as a child and adult. In situations like this, I weigh up how much it truly bothers me to include someone, against how much they'll be upset / bothered if I don't. If it means more to them than it does to me (which has been the case most of the time), I'll include them.

Creativityisold · 12/04/2023 16:49

Can you do something else with this friend and his mum separately e.g out for a coffee and cake or round for tea. Perhaps say if asked the other boys are a bit quieter so thought it better separately as he's not a good fit at the moment

Strugglingtodomybest · 12/04/2023 16:55

I just don't know what to do...my friend is so lovely but this will put a huge strain on our relationship if I don't invite him. However, if I do, then I have ruined my son's special day.

If your friend is so lovely, she will understand that the decision was your son's.

It's very unlikely that friendship's formed at primary school will last forever, so this moment was always going to happen I'm afraid.

FictionalCharacter · 12/04/2023 16:58

Just be politely honest and say DS has chosen 5 other children, and that DS and her son aren’t as close these days. It probably won’t be the last time this happens- kids make and break friendships all the time.
Don’t treat the mum and DS to a separate outing. You’d still be forcing DS to spend time with a child he doesn’t like to appease the mother. And the child really doesn’t sound at all pleasant, so the mother needs to accept that other kids don’t want to spend time with him because of his behaviour.
The friendship woes of young kids can be no fun. Mums sometimes have to shrug things off and grow a thick skin!

Doingmybest12 · 12/04/2023 17:02

I think at some point you have to decide you can no longer control and engineer your child's friendships and they can not invite people if they choose to. There might be a fall out but it can't be avoided for ever. You could text your friend and say you feel really awkward but your child can only invite a handful and not enough places for her son this time but really it is just one of those things and parents need to be grown up about it.

Mayhemmumma · 12/04/2023 17:05

I'd suggest they do another activity 1-1 together

UsingChangeofName · 12/04/2023 18:51

clpsmum · 12/04/2023 08:36

@Blinkingheckythump oh I agree I didn't realise he was the only being left out I thought there were a few. No I. Couldn't single out one child like that either

He isn't.

He isn't in the OP's ds's friendship group.
It is right there, in the opening post.

Over the past year, my son has tried to distance himself from my friend's son somewhat, as he annoys him at school and DS has found other friends that have similar interests.
The ds is still pleasant to the boy - they presumably live near one another and the OP and her friend walk home together, and they are in the same class, so they get on for that time, But the OP's ds has grown up. He isn't 4 or 5 anymore. He must be 10, and has formed a newer, closer friendship group with some other boys who share the same interests. As is normal and healthy.
He wants to invite those 5 friends to celebrate his birthday with.
No, he hasn't invited the whole class except for this one boy. He has chosen a small group of friends that he likes, gets on with and shares interests with. As is very, very normal for 10 year olds celebrating their birthday.

NumberTheory · 12/04/2023 19:28

Mayhemmumma · 12/04/2023 17:05

I'd suggest they do another activity 1-1 together

Why, when DS doesn’t want to spend time with him and has gone out of his way to tell you that, would you suggest they do something that’s just the two of them?

HauntedPencil · 12/04/2023 19:31

Idk maybe as they are family friends? You know, who see each other?

The kids are in the same class, in the same group he might not want him at his party but that's not ti say he will never clap eyes on him again.

mbosnz · 12/04/2023 19:31

How about you invite your friend and her son to your party?

And your son is left to invite the friends he has and wants to share his birthday with, to his party?

My mother did this to me, and my God it pissed me off so bad. Even on my birthday, it had to be about her.

NumberTheory · 12/04/2023 19:32

UsingChangeofName · 12/04/2023 18:51

He isn't.

He isn't in the OP's ds's friendship group.
It is right there, in the opening post.

Over the past year, my son has tried to distance himself from my friend's son somewhat, as he annoys him at school and DS has found other friends that have similar interests.
The ds is still pleasant to the boy - they presumably live near one another and the OP and her friend walk home together, and they are in the same class, so they get on for that time, But the OP's ds has grown up. He isn't 4 or 5 anymore. He must be 10, and has formed a newer, closer friendship group with some other boys who share the same interests. As is normal and healthy.
He wants to invite those 5 friends to celebrate his birthday with.
No, he hasn't invited the whole class except for this one boy. He has chosen a small group of friends that he likes, gets on with and shares interests with. As is very, very normal for 10 year olds celebrating their birthday.

Show quote history

He is in the OP’s DS’s friendship group. It’s right there in the opening post:
…they both have the same friendship group, so he hasn't cut him off completely.

But it also says he’s been trying to distance himself at school.

Raisinsandweetabix · 12/04/2023 21:17

What sort of 'perfect' kids do you guys deem suitable for your precious and perfectly behaved DC's? OP- you think shouting (not sure which words) out a car window as horrific? Maybe he's just very keen and friendly? It makes me so sad to repeatedly see the 'slightly different' (or from another angle, passive, boring) kids overlooked and excluded due to this kind of thing. My daughter has had it all through school , now diagnosed ADHD. It's caused so much heartache for us all but she's now a very inclusive, pragmatic girl due to us explaining that you can't be invited to everything.

whumpthereitis · 12/04/2023 21:55

Raisinsandweetabix · 12/04/2023 21:17

What sort of 'perfect' kids do you guys deem suitable for your precious and perfectly behaved DC's? OP- you think shouting (not sure which words) out a car window as horrific? Maybe he's just very keen and friendly? It makes me so sad to repeatedly see the 'slightly different' (or from another angle, passive, boring) kids overlooked and excluded due to this kind of thing. My daughter has had it all through school , now diagnosed ADHD. It's caused so much heartache for us all but she's now a very inclusive, pragmatic girl due to us explaining that you can't be invited to everything.

It’s not OP deeming him suitable or unsuitable, it’s her son who, quite reasonably, wants to choose the friends he celebrates with.

Original poster
Notherenotnow · 12/04/2023 21:55

Raisinsandweetabix · 12/04/2023 21:17

What sort of 'perfect' kids do you guys deem suitable for your precious and perfectly behaved DC's? OP- you think shouting (not sure which words) out a car window as horrific? Maybe he's just very keen and friendly? It makes me so sad to repeatedly see the 'slightly different' (or from another angle, passive, boring) kids overlooked and excluded due to this kind of thing. My daughter has had it all through school , now diagnosed ADHD. It's caused so much heartache for us all but she's now a very inclusive, pragmatic girl due to us explaining that you can't be invited to everything.

No, I'm sorry but he is not just 'very keen and friendly'. He is a primary school aged child that thinks it's funny to make sex noises out of the window at people walking by. To me that is horrific and I am not easily shocked.

I am not trying to find 'perfect' friends for my son - he chooses his own friends.

I also know very well what it is like to have a child that is different, as one of my children is very different, so please don't come at me from the angle that I'm trying to exclude children with different personalities.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 12/04/2023 22:30

Just tell her I'm really sorry but x doesn't want x at his party. It's so awkward for me But he's adamant. Really sorry.

Coffee on Tuesday ?

Desmondo2021 · 12/04/2023 22:39

I had this last year although the child is perfectly lovely, just didn't make the top 8 cut that I'd said she could invite! I simplified it by just paying for an extra child. If the child was a pain then I would have had no qualms about telling the mum apolgetically but honestly.