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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS doesn't want to invite my close friend's son to party

128 replies

Notherenotnow · 11/04/2023 20:33

I have a school mum friend who I have been close to for 5 years now. As a result, our sons became very good friends and have always been in the same class at school.

Over the past year, my son has tried to distance himself from my friend's son somewhat, as he annoys him at school and DS has found other friends that have similar interests. We still all walk home together etc, and they both have the same friendship group, so he hasn't cut him off completely.

It's my son's birthday soon and he is adamant that he does not want to invite my friend's son as he will ruin it. He will only be inviting 5 children anyway, but my friend will definitely be expecting an invite.

I just don't know what to do...my friend is so lovely but this will put a huge strain on our relationship if I don't invite him. However, if I do, then I have ruined my son's special day.

Just so I'm not drip feeding - I have experienced my friend's son's behaviour towards my DS when I pick him up from school sometimes. He can be quite unruly, shouting out of the car window, annoying my son. I let it go because my friend has a difficult life and she is very defensive of her son, so there's no point rocking the boat as such.

OP posts:

Schnooze · 11/04/2023 21:00

Cinema trip for mum and ds, party with others.

Hesma · 11/04/2023 21:02

Who is more important to you? Should be a no brainier to answer…

NoSquirrels · 11/04/2023 21:04

VioletMountainHare · 11/04/2023 20:56

Will your friend’s son be the only child from the friendship group that isn’t invited?

I think this makes a difference, tbh. How many in the friendship group? If it’s a party of 6, and friend’s DS is the only one not invited that’s not cool. Cut the guest list to 3 (4 with your DS) or include the lad.

If it’s more that there’s 3 from school, and 2 from an outside activity, that’s different.

Gymmum82 · 11/04/2023 21:06

I’d do as pp suggested and have a seperate thing with him. My dd has a friend who isn’t in the same friendship group but her mum is my friend. This year she had a sleepover and didn’t invite the child so we went out for pancakes with her instead. My friend totally understood.
my mum used to make me invite her friends child to my parties until I was about 10. She had special needs. She didn’t know any of my friends. Or even me as we rarely saw her. It became so awkward and uncomfortable for me and my friends I used to hate it. Don’t be that mom

Ktime · 11/04/2023 21:07

You would be unreasonable to ignore your son’s wishes in order to keep a friend happy.

Your son is not there to facilitate your friendship with this woman.

Newyearnewhome · 11/04/2023 21:08

I’ve been the friend in this scenario. It’s far better to just be honest about it.

I’m well aware my son can be a PITA ( as can her DS, tbh) and the relationship with my friend’s DS was fraught.

I got the impression she was avoiding me, but turns out it was because she didn’t know how to broach it.

I was glad she confided in me. And wish she’d done it sooner, rather than avoid me for a couple of weeks. fwiw I was just relived it was my son that was the dick and not me! 😂

If you think she’ll take it badly, maybe suggest a day out together instead? Say DS is finding it difficult to get along with her son at the moment, and while you’re encouraging him to work through it, it’s important he makes choices about his own party.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 11/04/2023 21:09

Your son has already said he doesn’t want him there, so that’s the end of it.

If your friend asks you just explain it was DS’ choice.

HauntedPencil · 11/04/2023 21:09

I would not ask him to the party but arrange a birthday tea with you her son and your friend a different day to come around for tea and some cake

MagpiePi · 11/04/2023 21:13

I would tell your friend that your son is choosing who to invite to his party, and he’s not as close to her son at the moment. I certainly wouldn’t arrange a separate activity for your son and your friend’s son. He clearly doesn’t want to spend time with him.
You can still be friends with the mum without your children being forced together.

midnightblue12 · 11/04/2023 21:13

Ahhh OP! I totally get what an awkward situation you're in! Obviously you will do what your son wants but that doesn't help you deal with upsetting your friend. Ofc it'll probably make things a bit weird between you both!

When I was younger I had a friend through my mum. As I got older I grew apart from her but she would be there, every party or event. Obviously my mum didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and as annoyed as I was that she was there I think I did understand.

Just a thought, could you do something with the boys and your friend and sort of sell that as being a celebration just you guys?

elliejjtiny · 11/04/2023 21:14

Don't invite him. I have friends that I made when my dc were in their dc's class at school. We still go for coffee etc but the dc's aren't friends and that's fine.

HauntedPencil · 11/04/2023 21:15

Personally I don't there is any need to take such a hardline approach and burn all her bridges. They spend time together anyway so what's the harm in having them over, although people would deny it on here it usually stings a little if you feel your kid is being excluded and they are in the same group albeit not as close.

Number0ne · 11/04/2023 21:19

So the friendship group they are part of, would this other child be the only one not invited?

Mrsjayy · 11/04/2023 21:20

You say, the kids aren't as friendly as they used to be that's a shame but I guess it happens invite his actual friends and you might need to deal with your friend, but I do think your sons feelings matter.

Aria2015 · 11/04/2023 21:23

How old is your son? If he's primary age I'd encourage him to include him. If he really insists he doesn't want to, then i suppose you'll have to concede, but if he agrees after a gentle push, I'd go with it. They are part of same friendship group so it's not like he dislikes him enough to not hang out with him.

Honestly I know loads of people will say 'it's his party, he should do whatever he wants', but I think in life we do make little allowances and compromises for various reasons and that's no bad thing imo.

bigbabycooker · 11/04/2023 21:24

I guess it depends on whether your son will be inviting every other member of the friendship group as to whether it looks very exclusionary from the other side.

If it is instead, for example, 5 of 9 of them going to the party, then I wouldn't feel the need to tread that carefully, though I would be sensitive. I'd just say that your son chose his closest friends at the moment and that this doesn't change how you feel about seeing them together at other times or indeed how you feel about spending time with the mum. (She will get the message about your son's friendships and may even encourage her own son to branch out a bit, hopefully without too much hard feelings).

If it is every other member of the group, then I think I probably would have a conversation with your son about how that feels, because it really does feel awful to be on the other end of that.

billy1966 · 11/04/2023 21:24

CalistoNoSolo · 11/04/2023 20:35

Why wouldn't you put your own child's feelings and wellbeing before that of your friend?

This.

It's a very small group of his closest friends, of which this boy is not one.

It really is as simple as that.

Do not spoil your son's birthday because you are afraid of her reaction.

If your friend wants to make a fuss and fall out over it, then that is on her and I would be leaving her to it.

I have seen this over the years, close mum friends foisting their children on each other.

As the children grew up they put their parents very firmly in their place and were having none of it.

If it was a large party I might chat to him about it, but a small one?
Certainly not.

yummyscummymummy01 · 11/04/2023 21:30

I'm confused about how much time they're spending together at school? If they're part of the same friendship group and the boy is being excluded that wouldn't feel right to me.

Dilemma19 · 11/04/2023 21:30

Those suggesting do a separate thing with this boy- why?? He barely tolerates him in a group setting, why on earth would he want to do something one on one? It's awkward but it's your son's birthday and surely his birthday is more important than pleasing your friend?

lunar1 · 11/04/2023 21:35

You can see from this thread why so many of us end up people pleasers who struggle asserting our own boundaries.

This isn't a whole class party, it's five children. Far more won't be invited than will.

Number0ne · 11/04/2023 21:41

lunar1 · 11/04/2023 21:35

You can see from this thread why so many of us end up people pleasers who struggle asserting our own boundaries.

This isn't a whole class party, it's five children. Far more won't be invited than will.

And if there's 6 boys in this friendship group but only 5 will be at the party that's ok? Details make all the difference here.

AndTheSurveySays · 11/04/2023 21:41

Would you invite a person you don't like much and know will ruin the party, to your party?

HauntedPencil · 11/04/2023 21:45

I can't see what it he big deal is in having them over separately. She hasn't said he can't stand his company, rather that they aren't as close yet still share the same group.

Ellie1015 · 11/04/2023 21:45

I don't think you need to have a conversation just don't invite him your friend will realise it is only a few invited and should also have noticed they have different friendship groups.

If she asks then say "only a few, closest friends invited"

HauntedPencil · 11/04/2023 21:46

I guess it's up to the OP if they've marked the boys brithdays together since they were tiny if they want to continue this, albeit not necessarily with them attending each others parties but in some way, or knock the whole thing completely on the head.

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