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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS doesn't want to invite my close friend's son to party

128 replies

Notherenotnow · 11/04/2023 20:33

I have a school mum friend who I have been close to for 5 years now. As a result, our sons became very good friends and have always been in the same class at school.

Over the past year, my son has tried to distance himself from my friend's son somewhat, as he annoys him at school and DS has found other friends that have similar interests. We still all walk home together etc, and they both have the same friendship group, so he hasn't cut him off completely.

It's my son's birthday soon and he is adamant that he does not want to invite my friend's son as he will ruin it. He will only be inviting 5 children anyway, but my friend will definitely be expecting an invite.

I just don't know what to do...my friend is so lovely but this will put a huge strain on our relationship if I don't invite him. However, if I do, then I have ruined my son's special day.

Just so I'm not drip feeding - I have experienced my friend's son's behaviour towards my DS when I pick him up from school sometimes. He can be quite unruly, shouting out of the car window, annoying my son. I let it go because my friend has a difficult life and she is very defensive of her son, so there's no point rocking the boat as such.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 11/04/2023 21:48

I would reverse the situation to help you/your DS make this decision.

If the boot was on the other foot and it was your friend's DS who was having the party, and he invited most of the friendship group but not your son, would your son feel hurt and excluded?

If yes, he should invite this boy. If actually they've grown apart sufficiently that he would be fine for the other members of the friendship group to be invited to this boy's party but not him, then I think it's fair that he should get to decide not to invite him.

Ultimately the effect of not inviting him is likely to be that your DS isn't invited to his next party in turn (and potentially the friendship group fractures somewhat) so best to take this into account in deciding.

Tinkerbyebye · 11/04/2023 21:48

Try being honest. DS doesn’t want xx to come because of the way he behaves towards him

hard as it is unless someone tells her how her son is behaving, and you have seen it yourself, heis not going to change and may make life more difficult for himself as he gets older

Whatisthisanyidea · 11/04/2023 21:52

Why all the stealth?

Invite who he wants to the party - that’s it!

If the mum asked just say that you have him 5 invites and he wrote them himself.

DD at 7 didn’t invite her best friend to her party and they never fell out! She just forgot to include her!

I’ve always let them choose - their party their choice - I give them a number to invite and they invited who they wanted - we always had a strange mix of people.

Marblessolveeverything · 11/04/2023 21:53

I have had to navigate this a few times over the years. You need to be honest and support your son in forming his friendships.

I don't have friends foisted on me so neither do my sons. Only once a mother distanced herself and it was no loss on the whole to avoid her "lively" "creative" annoying son.

Other parents were grateful for honestly. The years were children being friends impacting on adult friendships are short

Changingmynameyetagain · 11/04/2023 21:58

I had to do this with my friend, we met at a toddler group when our older children were babies and had our second at similar times.

DS drifted away from her DS after he kept hurting him at break time and generally being a bit of a nightmare on play dates.
DH put his foot down after her DS hurt my DS at school quite seriously and banned him from our house.

The friendship fell apart after that, a bit of a nightmare all round as they lived next door.

The boys are 14 and still at the same school, they are friends of a sort still but don’t hang around too much.

The family have since moved so it’s not as awkward and I hardly see my old friend.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/04/2023 21:59

Listen to your son and respect his choice. Esp as his birthday

He has chosen x friends and not this child

If they get on well walking home or when play at yours then get them round a few days later for after school play and tea

But not for his party and special day

F4cesittingqueen · 11/04/2023 22:03

Could you and the friend do something together? Maybe hang out doing something you find fun but without the kids?

twoastars · 11/04/2023 22:06

It's awkward but being honest about it to your friend is the only way. I have seen mum friends fall out over this exact situation only because it was a surprise when they heard about the party and DC didn't get an invite which was unexpected and not mentioned at all.

I would bring it up next time you see her and say arggg this is really awkward and I'm so sorry but he has picked 5 people and it's his choice etc. It's likely it would have happened at some point and if your child is not bothered then there's nothing you need to worry about. It's up to the mum if she wants to get upset over it.

Stripeybluetop · 11/04/2023 22:12

I would look to the long term and invite him. I think it's good for kids to have long term family friends. Even if they don't get on with them, it shires them the value of the long relationship. They might get on again when they're a little older. I wouldn't however put up with any bad behaviour and as soon as the other kid acted up I'd act on it.

Pencilsaremylife · 11/04/2023 22:13

You are going to have to deal with this at some point so why not now? They can’t be forced to be best friends for the whole of their childhood just because you 2 mums are friends. If the other mum can’t accept it then she’s not really a good friend if her friendship is conditional. I had a lovely school mum friend her son and mine were in the same class, best of friends sleeping over then they’d have a fall out as kids do and wouldn’t hang out together for a while. Lovely friend and I agreed that we would be friends not matter what happened between the boys. And we stayed good friends till they moved many miles away.

Climbles · 11/04/2023 22:19

Could you do a different 1-1 activity that’s very supervised. Such as taking both boys and your friend out for dinner? That way your friends son is included in the birthday celebrations but doesn’t get he chance to ‘ruin’ the birthday party.

HamBone · 11/04/2023 22:20

One of my best friends had a son the same age as mine and they were at nursery together. They’ve never been friends, tbh, totally different personalities and her son is a handful (other people find him a handful as well). So we just keep our adult friendship separate.

I’d be honest with your friend and tell her that your son has chosen a small group of friends to celebrate his birthday with him and it’s his decision. It would be different if he was having a big party, but he’s not.

clpsmum · 11/04/2023 22:22

Blinkingheckythump · 11/04/2023 20:46

I would invite him, especially as you've said that they have the same friendship group. It would be really mean to not invite him

So you think op should consider everybody else's feelings before those of her son?

Whatisthisanyidea · 11/04/2023 22:25

Could you do a different 1-1 activity

Do you do this? Invite your friends to a party and then have another outing with someone you dislike?

Is that what you want to teach your child?

Thepossibility · 11/04/2023 22:26

If the boy is still part of the friendship group and hasn't really done anything particularly wrong, I would still invite him.
The fallout over this could be potentially huge, long lasting and painful.
Not worth excluding him from something where there will be enough kids to act as a buffer.
Then you can have a word with your friend asking if she can get her son to tone down the obnoxious behaviour a bit for your son's party, as he's raised concerns about it.
Keep an eye ready to step in on the day. Tell your son to come to you if something happens and you will deal with it.
If he was actually bullying your DS or even unkind I would think differently.
But yes, simply excluding him with no explanation IS mean.

bumpertobumper · 11/04/2023 22:30

It is very natural for some parent friendships to outlast the original children's friendships that initially brought you together. This isn't a big deal.
Explain to the friend he's just having a few mates over for birthday, not a party. She will / should understand. How would you feel if tables turned? Don't expect or entertain any drama- kids can be fickle.
I am still good friends with some of the mums of kids that ds - now 15 - was best friends with in reception and yr 1. The kids haven't even spoken to each other for years...

mondaytosunday · 11/04/2023 22:36

This will happen at other times two. My son was best mates with a boy for a couple years - pretty much inseparable. I was and am very close to the mum. Then my son withdrew from the friendship and made other friends, the other boy did not. But it was never an issue between me and the other mum. We both understood that childhood friendships change.
The other mother must know that your son is not as friendly towards her son as he used to be. So you tell her it's a small group for your sons birthday and as their friendship isn't the same anymore he has asked other kids to join him. If she holds any resentment that's her problem - really she should (and probably will be) mature about it.

Phoebo · 11/04/2023 22:37

I find this thread interesting, if the situation was reversed the responses would be completely different!

UsingChangeofName · 11/04/2023 22:38

I can't vote, as I'm not sure what you are asking if YABU about.

But this is spot on
So your young son has to demonstrate a higher level of emotional intelligence than your adult mum friend because you don't know how to manage this? That's insane.

Regardless of the other child's behaviour, it should always be the Birthday person's choice as to who they invite to their celebration. The fact that this boy's behaviour is such that your son has chosen to distance himself from him, makes this even more important. Your ds is being far more mature about this than you are. There is no obligation for any child to be close to the dc of their parents friends.
Do you invite your parents' friends dcs to any party or celebration you have ?

NumberTheory · 11/04/2023 22:41

Your son is trying to distance himself and you aren’t letting him because you’re prioritising your friend over your son. Do they actually want to walk/ride home with him, or do you make them do that too?

You need a chat with her to tell her that your son needs space. I’ve had a similar situation with my kids and a friend whose DS is in their class. They started out being good friends and we did a lot of things together, but he’s bombastic and my kids stopped liking it around the age of 9. At first it was very inconsistent I thought it was typical kid fickleness and I just cut down play dates etc. a bit, but it became consistent and his behaviour became noticeably more obnoxious. It was particularly hard because it turned out it wasn’t just my kids he was alienating and she had come to take my kids’ friendship a bit for granted, relying on it and ignoring the fact her DS was not developing the social skills he needed to make and keep friends.

After making a really lame excuse that she clearly saw through, I realised I needed to tackle it head on. I took her for coffee and said I knew it was going to be hard for her to hear, but my DC were asking me to stop doing things with her DS. I gave her some guff about kids growing apart and it being time for them all to make new friends (because I apparently wasn’t prepared to tackle that bit head on - didn’t feel it was my place). I also said I hoped it wouldn’t hurt our friendship which she agreed with though she was hurt.

It did hurt our friendship, we went for coffee a bit at first and I babysat for her a few times. But things petered out within a school year. I’m not sure, now, whether she was just hurt by it or whether she was using us and when my DC were no longer made available to be her DS’s companions she wasn’t interested in my friendship any more.

I’m glad I did it, my kids have mentioned it a few times since in a way that makes it clear their lives were happier when I stopped agreeing to do things with him. From what my kids have said, it sounds like she ended up getting her DS some behaviour support but he moved on to a different school and then we moved country and I haven’t heard about either of them for a few years.

Thepossibility · 11/04/2023 22:44

Phoebo · 11/04/2023 22:37

I find this thread interesting, if the situation was reversed the responses would be completely different!

Same. People would be furious if their child was excluded.

Janedoe82 · 11/04/2023 22:44

I would just tell your son he is coming and that’s it. You have said there is a lot going on at home. Be kind. They are kids.
Children learn to be kind from being shown how- you are showing your child how to exclude and essentially be unkind.

Grimbelina · 11/04/2023 22:46

Your son shouldn't be cajoled into inviting the other boy (or - almost worse -doing a separate activity 1 on 1 with him to make up for it). You need to allow your adult friendship to separate from the one between the boys. If your friend takes offence then the friendship wouldn't have continued anyway. This is part of parenting and putting your son's needs first (and probably won't be the only time it happens to you).

Cinnamon23 · 11/04/2023 22:58

And?

You’re friends with her. That doesn’t automatically mean your son has to be friends with her son. Don’t invite him.

VeronicaMarsLovesCake · 11/04/2023 23:02

I am going against the majority in saying I think should teach your son to be inclusive and empathetic. He wouldn't want to to be left out, and he will have other friends there. It's nice to be kind.