Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS doesn't want to invite my close friend's son to party

128 replies

Notherenotnow · 11/04/2023 20:33

I have a school mum friend who I have been close to for 5 years now. As a result, our sons became very good friends and have always been in the same class at school.

Over the past year, my son has tried to distance himself from my friend's son somewhat, as he annoys him at school and DS has found other friends that have similar interests. We still all walk home together etc, and they both have the same friendship group, so he hasn't cut him off completely.

It's my son's birthday soon and he is adamant that he does not want to invite my friend's son as he will ruin it. He will only be inviting 5 children anyway, but my friend will definitely be expecting an invite.

I just don't know what to do...my friend is so lovely but this will put a huge strain on our relationship if I don't invite him. However, if I do, then I have ruined my son's special day.

Just so I'm not drip feeding - I have experienced my friend's son's behaviour towards my DS when I pick him up from school sometimes. He can be quite unruly, shouting out of the car window, annoying my son. I let it go because my friend has a difficult life and she is very defensive of her son, so there's no point rocking the boat as such.

OP posts:
DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 11/04/2023 23:06

It’s your sons party… he shouldn’t have to spend it with someone he dislikes just to appease your friend. That doesn’t really send a positive message about advocating for himself.

theadultsaretalking · 11/04/2023 23:07

Well, my son was in that situation - he had a childhood (from nursery and up to early years of school) friend that he drifted away from by the age of about nine. The boy in question was/is lovely, but rather (very) annoying in day-to-day interactions. Important disclaimer - he was never mean or aggressive to my son. I am also a very close friend of the mum.

At the latest birthday party mine was initially reluctant to invite his 'former' friend. However, I did ask him to think about it, not because I was worried about my friendship, but to avoid hurting the other boy.

In the end, I didn't push, but my son decided to invite the other boy and after the party, which went perfectly fine, my son said that he was very glad that he did, to quote: 'It would have been cruel and would have felt wrong.'

I did ask the other mum to keep a closer eye on her son's behaviour at the party, which she did - as she is a good friend and she also wanted my son to be happy on his birthday.

UsingChangeofName · 11/04/2023 23:07

Too many people on MN are confused about what excluding someone is.

Someone not being invited to something, doesn't equal someone being excluded.

The OP's ds isn't inviting 28 people from his class and just leaving out this boy. He is choosing 5 or 6 friends that he likes spending time with, to join him to celebrate his birthday. He is not "excluding" 24 people from his class.

Londonlassy · 11/04/2023 23:09

Thepossibility · 11/04/2023 22:44

Same. People would be furious if their child was excluded.

Show quote history

This

Goldbar · 11/04/2023 23:10

I think the friendship with the mum is a red herring here. Of course parents shouldn't foist the children of their friends on their own children as 'friends'.

But the OP's child and this child are already part of the same friendship group. So the real issue is one child from a friendship group potentially being unexpectedly excluded and how that should be dealt with.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 11/04/2023 23:15

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 11/04/2023 20:50

I'd do 2 parties, one at the activity he wants then something with the other lad and the mum. Would either do a tea party with a few games, even if like bingo so you and other mum can play or if budget allows cinema or something. I would also be honest if she asked and just say although a special friend he's not a best friend anymore

Really? And then she expects it every year going forward rather than deal with it once and for all?

Mariposista · 11/04/2023 23:16

Meet up with the mother on adults only time.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 11/04/2023 23:18

Goldbar · 11/04/2023 23:10

I think the friendship with the mum is a red herring here. Of course parents shouldn't foist the children of their friends on their own children as 'friends'.

But the OP's child and this child are already part of the same friendship group. So the real issue is one child from a friendship group potentially being unexpectedly excluded and how that should be dealt with.

The child is not being excluded from a friendship group, OPs son doesn’t like playing with him even at school so they are not really friends. He is inviting his closest 5 friends not aquatinances from school.

You should not be forcing a child to be friends with someone who he has made clear he doesn’t want to be friends with all in the name of avoiding exclusion.

UsingChangeofName · 11/04/2023 23:19

But the OP's child and this child are already part of the same friendship group.

But their are not. It is stated clearly, in the OP
Over the past year, my son has tried to distance himself from my friend's son somewhat, as he annoys him at school and DS has found other friends that have similar interests.

Friendship groups evolve and change over the years, as people grow and evolve. It is normal and natural.

CheekyHobson · 11/04/2023 23:22

I let it go because my friend has a difficult life and she is very defensive of her son, so there's no point rocking the boat as such.

But there is a point in rocking the boat. Your son is in a difficult position because you are basically forcing him into a friendship with someone he doesn't like - for perfectly valid reasons - because you are friends with this kid's emotionally immature mum.

Whatever the 'difficult life' she has entails, at the end of the day, if her kid is annoying enough that his peers don't want to be around him, she is failing in her duty as a parent by ignoring and defending his bad behaviour rather than giving him some clear guidance about social intelligence and an understanding of other people's boundaries.

If she doesn't do this, she's heading towards raising a little narcissist who is desperate for attention and resentful about being ignored, with no understanding of why people find him annoying and back away from him. And you are heading towards raising a little rebel who resents his mum prioritising her friends over him, and who will stop listening to you the second he is old enough to do so.

Trying to force a friendship on your son because you feel sorry for your friend and her poorly-parented child is only teaching everyone to ignore tough realities.

AndTheSurveySays · 11/04/2023 23:22

Children learn to be kind from being shown how- you are showing your child how to exclude and essentially be unkind

Children also learn how to be doormats and put their own needs and wishes last when parents I sit on "be kind" nonsense.

Same. People would be furious if their child was excluded

Not all parents are drama lamas. Many parents and children understand perfectly well that you can't always be invited to everything.

Goldbar · 11/04/2023 23:23

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 11/04/2023 23:18

The child is not being excluded from a friendship group, OPs son doesn’t like playing with him even at school so they are not really friends. He is inviting his closest 5 friends not aquatinances from school.

You should not be forcing a child to be friends with someone who he has made clear he doesn’t want to be friends with all in the name of avoiding exclusion.

Show quote history

True, but you (and they) need to be prepared for the consequences. Not inviting this child will change the dynamic. The friend's DS will be unlikely to include the OP's DS going forward and that may end up splitting the friendship group. The OP's DS may ultimately find himself excluded from the group. Worth thinking about how it might pan out.

NCGrandParent · 11/04/2023 23:28

I'm with a PP that you need to work on separating your friendship with the mum from the friendship between the children. This will be the first test... You can be factual and compassionate. Try something like:

This is uncomfortable for me and I imagine will be for you too so let me say this quickly and we can have a chat about it tomorrow/next time I see you. DS is having a party with 5 friends and hasn't asked to invite your DS. I understand from my DS that he and your DS aren't as close as they once were. I hope this won't impact our friendship but I can understand your first priority will be your DS x Let me know if you'd like to chat about this or have a coffee and talk about other things!

BucketList101 · 11/04/2023 23:33

I've been through this but with my sisters DC. My DC doesn't want to invite them to their birthday party due to their poor behaviour. No point in telling my sister as she won't listen. We did a party without them knowing. Not sure what will happen in the future.

whumpthereitis · 11/04/2023 23:40

IME, forcing friendships in the name of ‘empathy and kindness’ tend to make people resolutely opposed to being either. What it does encourage is a deepening resentment and dislike.

Forcing things by prioritising your friend isn’t going to make your son like the boy or enjoy himself around him. What it’s likely to result in is him reaching a point where he totally rejects the boy, and resents you for ignoring his wishes. it’s better to face facts and confront the issue now, than leaving it to fester, because that really will damage your relationship with not only your friend, but quite possibly with your son too.

MacarenaMacarena · 11/04/2023 23:49

Maybe say "it's unexpected isn't it, how we are such good friends yet our boys are very different and don't seem to get on as well they used to? I'm thinking to reduce the time we bundle them together and respect their need for space, eg my DS has said he only wants a couple of friends not including your DS at his birthday, and I suppose that's OK but wondered if you might want to have arranged something in advance for that day so that your DS doesn't feel left out? It's probably a phase, but of course we have to listen to what they're saying to us."

HamBone · 12/04/2023 00:05

I missed the bit where you said that they’re still in the same friendship group. Is this a pretty large group, for example, 10 children, of which your DS is only inviting five? If that’s the case, he’s just inviting his closest friends; if there’s six though and he’s inviting five, I can see it would be awkward.

MysteryBelle · 12/04/2023 00:08

If it were me, I’d base decision on whether the boy is just annoying to your son or outright mean or malicious to him. If it’s the former, then he should be encouraged to invite him. It sounds like the boy is acting up because maybe he resents not being your son’s main friend, could be something else. It could be a phase he will grow out of. Not a reason to not invite. I always err on the side of not leaving anyone out unless there is deliberate malice, which does happen sometimes.

MysteryBelle · 12/04/2023 00:12

Think how his mom must feel to have an ‘annoying’ son and how the boy would feel not being invited because he’s been deemed annoying. I’m sure he is! But I feel it is cruel to not invite him because of that. Welcome him into the group. Let him feel that he belongs. I’d talk to your son about being accepting of his friends’ foibles. (unless as I said there is ill will or malice toward your son, that is totally different)

theadultsaretalking · 12/04/2023 00:18

Being kind doesn't mean being a doormat, it means being aware of how your actions might affect others. Kindness is not a weakness.

MysteryBelle · 12/04/2023 00:19

I’m coming at this from the perspective one of my son’s friends. They were in preschool together and a couple of grades after that.This boy is autistic and very very intelligent. I mean, off the charts. But he is ‘annoying’ for instance, he carpooled for a while with another mom friend and her daughter until they stopped because the mom told me that he was just too annoying and annoyed her daughter in the 10 minute car ride. I felt that is a bit cruel. My son is his only friend to this day and they are 18 now. My son has friends but makes sure he keeps his friendship with him too. He is fine and has so many great qualities if people would just look. His mother apologized to me once and I said, he is fine, he is normal, he has never acted inappropriately around me, which is true.

ClairDeLaLune · 12/04/2023 00:45

Put your son first, not your friend. It’s his party, he should invite who he wants.

ClairDeLaLune · 12/04/2023 00:46

MysteryBelle · 12/04/2023 00:12

Think how his mom must feel to have an ‘annoying’ son and how the boy would feel not being invited because he’s been deemed annoying. I’m sure he is! But I feel it is cruel to not invite him because of that. Welcome him into the group. Let him feel that he belongs. I’d talk to your son about being accepting of his friends’ foibles. (unless as I said there is ill will or malice toward your son, that is totally different)

Umm if he wants to be invited to things perhaps he should stop being annoying.

JudgeRudy · 12/04/2023 01:01

You don't say how old your son is but let's say 10. When the boys were in the infants this dynamic friend would have been fun and exciting and a great playmate. Now your sons older his interests have matured and cooperation, rule following, patience etc are needed more and hyper kid spoils things for the others. You can see this as well as your son.
I think the fact that it's only a small party makes it easier. Your friend might be disappointed and ask if there's been a falling out. I would be (kindly) honest and say well they're not really close now are they. Theyre so different. I suppise we both knew this day would come. Sigh, 10 years old...blah nlah. What's this Xboy like, ppthat DS says HyperKid hangs around with now?
Make it sound so natural as if surely she must have noticed they're not really friends now.
If she falls out with you over this she's not a friend.

WandaWonder · 12/04/2023 01:17

It's your child birthday, not yours