to think there's a lot drama and scaremongering around women coping as a new mum?

[imicayrp]

I am open to being put in my place and told I have an easy child (so far) but I was shocked by how much pressure, stress and fear was pumped into me before birth, to find that 6 months on, I’m fine and found this pretty simple from day one. Always had that elusive hot cup of tea, always had time to speak to friends and cook my dinner. I did this all without support from my partner who had an affair 8 weeks before our child was born. I know 6 months is nothing and I’m sure there’s hard time ahead but honestly it’s been absolutely NOWHERE near what is described in the media and among colleagues (and mumsnet!). Yes the nights initially were hard but you sleep the next day? It’s a short time. Yes it can be isolating on maternity leave but keep in touch with friends? Buy yourself something nice, watch a series. I don’t understand the huge pressure and drama before women give birth and actually see it as quite a sexist thing. Women can cope, actually. AIBU to have this mentality? Does anyone feel similar?

@Mariposa26 9 days in and your hormones are crazy! It is completely normal to be crying. Lower your standards hugely for at least a month. Try not to think too far ahead as everything changes so quickly in the early days.

I've had 3 pretty docile babies and used to think the same as you, that it was all a bit overblown. Then the terrible twos hit and I want to walk out some days ! Other mums I know struggled with the baby phase and adored having toddlers. It's an individual "journey" and not a competition. It's great that you're enjoying it so far, especially given you're managing alone!

I'm glad your experience of having a baby is going well OP. It's interesting, I didn't hear too much scaremongering and had an easy pregnancy and birth, found breastfeeding straightforward, so far so good. Then DC1 wouldn't sleep and would only sleep in the car or pushchair during the day. If he was awake, he wouldn't sit contentedly in the pushchair, he would kick off unless he was moving. He hated to be put down. I was that mum who would inwardly seethe at mums who had time to make themselves a proper lunch. When he was 6mo I finally managed to get him to nap in his cot after weeks of trying. He finally slept through the night at 18mo. Gentle sleep training didn't work - he would scream with rage until he was sick. I was very depressed and anxious. I couldn't wait to get back to work and genuinely had a sort of PTSD reaction to having to spend time with him on my own for ages afterwards. It took me years to get over it. I wished I had an easy baby but it sadly wasn't to be!

This is good advice. I however lowered my standards hugely for about 10 years.

In the current childbearing climate, people are often happier to talk about how difficult things are with a baby than to admit that it's fine. This is a switch from the previous tendency to say it would all be fine if you were a 'natural mother' (whatever that is) which is great, except it's been replaced with the narrative of the 'easy' baby, as though it's a piece of unprecedented luck if your child sleeps.

I think that when people tended to have larger families earlier you were likely to know friends or siblings who had been through it and so saw for yourself the full range of experience, good or bad. Certainly this was true for me and I knew what to expect before I had my first child. I found it easy, as did some friends, some found it harder. Part of that was our babies, part of our was our personalities as I know I didn't stress about things that really wound up others (like falling behind with domestic tasks).

Looking at my children's friends it seems different. A lot of people having single children later and plenty of IVF babies with struggles to conceive means they often don't know a lot of other people who have babies so they get information off the internet about how awful it can be, or are intimidated by Instagram ideals. They have high expectations in each direction if you see what I mean.

There's a strong narrative at the moment that having children is very tough. Emphasis on no sleep/PND a possibility/ not all babies are neurotypical and this is the 'real' world as opposed to Instagram perfection. Certainly it's a narrative you see on Mumsnet, or the loudest voices anyway. Say otherwise and you risk being 'smug' so people stay quiet if their experience is easy.

That's great if it makes people aware of possible problems but not great if it makes them fearful of parenthood or puts them off what can be one of the most amazing relationships in life. Enjoy your baby, OP, but this is probably not the best forum in which to celebrate the early days being easy! There'll be plenty of doomsayers to warn you of terrible toddlerhood or teenage years. or a tricky second baby but.... (whisper it) it could all be fine!

’but you sleep the next day’…

ha ha ha

All babies are so different.

many new mums I know can’t just sleep when the baby sleeps - contact napping, short naps, no naps, only napping on the move, so many issues around sleep that have HUGE impacts on many (not all) new parents

Bully for you OP. Some women find it really hard, some are super mum. Is that what you want to hear?

FWIW my sister didn't understand what all the fuss was about, until she got DS2....

DS is in reception class now and I still get foreboding warnings about how hard X or Y stage will be. I think there are multiple elements. 1 is resilience and positive attitude; I used to work long hours and party hard, so having periods of less sleep was something I just coped with; I'm also able to quickly calm down about all the minor stuff going wrong along the way. 2 is child issues; some babies get colic or other illnesses and some toddlers have sensory / food issues or other sensitivities and that's all much harder. 3 is money; if you can afford to not work, get a cleaner, buy what you need, pay bills etc then it all gets a lot less stressful. 4 is help; I had DH, some have family, but some level of support is useful. 5 is parenting; if you parent consistently and kindly then neurotypical children tend to have fewer tantrums, which massively helps everyone's mood.

You're right that it needn't be hard, it isn't hard for everyone and some attempts to worry pregnant women are counterproductive. Being a mum is wonderful, but it isn't consistently easy and some do have it much harder than others. Like with most things in life, it is better to commiserate with hardships you can relate to and keep quiet about how easy you find the rest of it, because those in the thick of difficulties don't appreciate hearing that others are OK.

@imicayrp I found the newborn stage and up to 18 months a walk in the park pretty much especially with number 1 as obviously once you have other small dcs you can’t sleep the next day etc etc .
My house was never tidier , I had plenty of time to watch movies , baths, put on makeup , i wafted around town and coffee shops with a baby in a sling . I was seriously thinking what all the fuss was and my babies were not all easy, they woke constantly , couldn’t be put down for long without crying. But number one was so easy as only them to look after….. and I was abroad with no family support but did have my dh.
Buuuuut toddlerhood was a huge shock to me , my dcs got worse at sleeping not better, it’s so much more full on , they were all climbers , bolters , I was totally frazzled , I couldn’t sit in my house for years , they weren’t into toys until around 4 , they preferred to move constantly, all super early risers no matter what time I put them to bed.
Immobile babies are incredibly easy imho . Nobody warned me re toddlers , no one . There’s so much focus on newborns being difficult and everything gets easier , for me it started easy and then got difficult until around 3/4.
My friends stayed when they had a 3 month old (I have older kids now), we had dinner out, loads of walks , chatted loads (baby asleep in the pram). They visited at 19 months and they were run raggad, dc climbing , tantruming, putting things into mouth , playing with things for about 2 seconds and moving on- it was way more work!
Tbh I guess ppl have easy babies and then difficult toddlers and then some have babies that scream all day and night and so toddlers are easier. Tbh even with my babies waking I still found the constantness of toddlers until 4 very , very full on but all you hear is “it gets easier after 6 months, 12 months etc etc “ I remember (and with good reason ) thinking but I don’t find it difficult now…😬 so it was a big change for me …

I agree with others that a lot seems dependent on how (and where) baby sleeps. I found motherhood extremely humbling - I’m pretty stoical and resilient and I like babies and can cope on broken sleep, but the sheer relentlessness of the sleep deprivation took me to the edge. DS is now 6 months and is mostly sleeping 4 hour stretches and I feel like I am coping but a bad night will have me at the brink again. He honestly woke every 45-90 minutes for 5 and a half months (this was co-sleeping as well so I had a baby touching me basically 24-7) and all naps had to be in my arms. Also wasn’t and still isn’t a chill baby so can’t just be plonked somewhere while I get on with something, so he’s usually shouting/crying/whingeing/sobbing when i’m trying to clean up after lunch or whatever. “sleep the next day” was impossible and it infuriated me when that was the advice. I also struggle with insomnia which has got worse after sustained sleep disruption, so I couldn’t even nap if DH or my DM took DS for an hour. Honestly it was horrific and I really thought I was one of life’s copers and that the horror stories were exaggerated, but it nearly destroyed me (still might tbh - today is a good day as I got 2 chunks of 3 hours sleep. Luxury!).

@diflasu I’m really glad someone has said this as although I definitely found the toddler stage really tough ( I have 3 dcs and two were constantly waking until around 4 years old and it was a real struggle with sleep deprivation), I’m surprised that I don’t find that “golden age “ of primary years as easy as I thought it would be . I thought it was supposed to be an absolute doddle in general and I now have a preteen and I’m getting worried as all my friends with teenagers describe it as horrendous. I have three v active , very high energy boys and loads of big emotions etc and this I haven’t even hit the teen years yet …. V v close to..

@Nuevabegin I think teen years are another prime time for horror stories and a time when parents who do find it easier stay quiet.

Honestly DS especially is much easier as a teen than he was in the "golden" years or pre-teen years.

We're currently have eldest two doing A-levels and GCSE and they're knuckling down getting on and while there is some stress it's not so far not been the horror show we were led to expect.

Nobody warned me re toddlers , no one

Really?! I think the 'terrible twos, toddlers are so hard, you think babies are hard just wait for toddlers' talk is pretty constant (and for me as baffling as I found the exact opposite - again, we're all different!)

I also didn't find it that hard at your point to be honest. But two or more kids -especially if they include toddlers - is a completely different ball game

I was a bit like you OP, i found 1 baby fairly 'easy' and felt that i managed quite well. The thing i didn't really appreciate at the time was that when people state those off the cuff comments about sleep, not having time to yourself they're usually compounding and extrapolating. For instance, you may be sleeping now and not feeling too tired but as your child gets sick, has a sleep regression or simply the accumulation of a small amount of tired compounds you start to notice that you aren't feeling as rested as you were pre baby. Another example is that i didn't feel i had no time to myself until my first became a toddler and followed me to the kitchen, toilet, i had to play with them constantly, converse with them, bedtime routine took an hour... When i had a 6 monther i thought that was miles away but parents of older children know how close that is and lump it into the your a parent now, this will happen type comment.

My first woke up every 20 minutes for months. Needed to be held constantly, even when sleeping, and we were so scared of smothering her that we stayed awake half the night each. My stitches burst. Witching hour every evening, just inconsolable screaming. Night terrors as a toddler, had to to go bed with her and sleep next to her all night for years. Had severe DVT with my second. Mastitis several times with both. Neither ever took a bottle. Breastfed for three years as she couldn't sleep without it.

I love being a mother. I love babies. But it's not easy.

God I'm not sure why you have wrote this OP. When my baby was newborn from around 10 months his sleeping was terrible and he had a cows milk allergy. The days he slept yes but it is knackering still!

You have 1 child though who isn't even at school though. My DC is 8 so I wouldn't really take note because you've got a long way to go yet... as you said you've got an easy child! That's sheer luck.

I found it easy but I think the conservations around it being hard are important.
Lots of women are blind sided by it and the hormones are an absolute lottery. It's got to be preferable to assuming it's going to be a breeze or women suffering in silence.

Also you're only 6 months in. You've yet to experienced the 8 month sleep regression, the toddler years, terrible twos, threenagers, fucking fours etc etc.

Honestly they're not all bad but there's a lot of developing and changes afoot sound don't be counting your chickens just yet.

Hi OP,

I agree completely. My child is five. My pregnancy was great, newborn stage, toddler stage etc - all easy!

I don't think you sound smug as like me you don't appear to be taking the credit for it. I simply have a child who is very easy and I'm really enjoying the experience. I did have the common sense to keep my mouth shut at how good, well rested and happy I felt when I would arrive to baby yoga, mum and baby hiit or whatever else I was going.

I loved getting out and about with my baby, meeting friends, having dinners and lunches out, sitting down in a cafe to read my book.

The only people I revealed the truth to were expecting mums. I'd say "listen I know you are hearing horror stories so let me counter with my experience. I'm not saying its definite but it is possible."

Everyone has different experiences. I found it much better than portrayed (it started getting super busy from 6m when weaning started and just eased up around 3.5!).
however my baby ate well, i had no issues with BF, no colics/reflux and baby slept well too. And I didn’t have PND. I had anxiety when Covid started but was able to get a bit of therapy through work insurance. And my husband is great as partners and was hands on.
if my baby wasn’t sleeping like I know some friends’ haven’t I would have gone nuts very quickly.
or if baby had colic etc.
so I consider myself lucky rather than everyone who finds it hard unreasonably scared.

Agree / so many horror stories and trauma that I was expecting the same and genuinely didn’t experience that, regardless of sleepless babies and no family help. Was much much less stressful than my intense job so had perhaps built up a level of resilience.

Why on earth are people ‘offended’ that someone disagreed with them and didn’t find having a baby a massive trauma ?

Plenty of people with stressful jobs have high needs babies, and/or babies with medical needs, and/or PND. This is just another mother-shaming post wrapped up in a self-congratulatory “I must be more resilient than others.” and it’s toxic BS.

Some babies are easier. Some parents have an easier time for various reasons. Didn’t find it difficult? Great, but don’t assume that you are special.

YABU and sound a but smug.

I actually found it easier than expected but I had a supportive partner, family etc. My baby didn't sleep til she was 1 year old but thanks to support I didn't lose my mind. I had friends, family and baby groups to go to so we spent all day out of the house. But I wouldn't downplay anyone else's experience just because it wasn't mine.

The same goes for other women's birth experiences and recovery. Just because I was lucky doesn't mean I expect everyone else to have had the same experience, I know it's not like that.

There are so many factors that go into this.

Firstly how you actually experience your birth is so important. I had a wonderful birth and felt very empowered which set me and ds up for a great start. My mum nearly died in labour with me and was left with severe ptsd and lifelong mental health challenges as a result of that.

I didn't have ppd but I have had ppa. I also work in mental health and have excellent coping strategies and know how to manage it because of that which makes me more resilient. Not every mum knows ppa is even a thing and ppd is a black hole that can be extremely difficult to get yourself out of.

Every baby is different. My ds would have slept any time any place until 6 months. My friends little one had to be in his bed in silence from about 3 months making it much harder for her to get out and socialise.

My ds had colic and screamed from 7-11 every single night without fail for the first 4.5months. I have a really hands on dh and we just swapped every hour or whenever it got too much for the other. Dealing with that alone every night would have been much much harder.

I'm lucky enough to be on mat leave from a supportive employer. I had some savings to tide me over and we've been able to save while I've been on a reduced wage. Many mums are now reliant on food banks etc.

I was very lucky in that my bf journey has (while definitely not without its challenges) been a really positive experience for me and ds. My friend was triple feeding and pumped for months after a very difficult start for baby and it really affected her mental health.

Every single experience is different and while I don't think it's about 'scaring' new mums I do think that there is a lack of awareness of the bits that can be hard, so when you're the only one you know going through it- that's a very lonely place to be. And lonely is not what new mums need.

I also think in a wider context there needs to be greater social awareness especially in the employment sector that pregnancy and maternity leave are big deals. Sure some of us really love it. But others really struggle and that's normal. We need to be honest about that so we can do away with the toxic idea that mat leave is a 'holiday' instead of recovery time. That everyone is ready to leave their baby to return to work. That mums should snap back and be able to get out and about. That they should be back and fully rearing to go when they return from mat leave even if maybe they're realistically still in physio, still struggling mentally, still not feeling ready to leave baby, still struggling getting out the door with multiple kids, still feeling misplaced guilt that they really like being back, still struggling to work out how to afford petrol AND formula so they can get to work. Until we recognise the reality and the wide spectrum that post partum is then we're actually doing women a disservice and furthering those toxic norms.

It's wonderful you have had a great experience and have felt confident and capable, but don't think that your experience is THE experience.