to think there's a lot drama and scaremongering around women coping as a new mum?

[imicayrp]

I am open to being put in my place and told I have an easy child (so far) but I was shocked by how much pressure, stress and fear was pumped into me before birth, to find that 6 months on, I’m fine and found this pretty simple from day one. Always had that elusive hot cup of tea, always had time to speak to friends and cook my dinner. I did this all without support from my partner who had an affair 8 weeks before our child was born. I know 6 months is nothing and I’m sure there’s hard time ahead but honestly it’s been absolutely NOWHERE near what is described in the media and among colleagues (and mumsnet!). Yes the nights initially were hard but you sleep the next day? It’s a short time. Yes it can be isolating on maternity leave but keep in touch with friends? Buy yourself something nice, watch a series. I don’t understand the huge pressure and drama before women give birth and actually see it as quite a sexist thing. Women can cope, actually. AIBU to have this mentality? Does anyone feel similar?

YABU. I had breastfeeding failure, PND, a bad birth, a non-sleeper, no family support. It nearly broke me. It was horrific.

I wish I’d been told even more when pregnant of the things that can go wrong: I might’ve been better prepared or at least less anxious.

YABVU, smug and insensitive.

I had terrible baby. Didn’t sleep, reflux, colicky, sleep apnoea, terrible sleeper, then at 6 months constant ear and throat infections - still managed to have a cuppa, get dressed, make up on every morning, take a few mins for myself.
its possible, but not enjoyable !

I think some of it depends on your personality as well as the baby's. I am very introverted so like time by myself, something I rarely if ever get now I have children. That was probably the biggest adjustment for me when my son was born. That being said, I don't understand how some people struggle to even have a shower with a young baby. I was always adamant that I was not giving it up, and if that meant he cried for 5 mins while I washed then that's what he did.

Some people do have really difficult babies though so I do think the "horror stories" are important so those families know they aren't alone in it.

I guess it depends on the baby. Glad to hear you’re doing so well despite what’s happened to you.

DD1 - complete breeze (though later diagnosed with autism) now quite stressful
DD2 - would never sleep, awful at the time - now a complete breeze
DD3 - easiest baby ever (dad left for the OW at 14wks) was an easy baby, toddler and now pre-teen.

I literally could have written this post. The colic was absolutely terrifying. Wall to wall crying for three months and constant worry that something was wrong with my baby. I have discovered an emotional and physical resilience through that experience that I never knew I had. The toddler stage holds no fear for me because nothing can match that level of relentlessness!!

I wrote yabu simply because it is a personal thing with different mothers being able to cope with some things that other mums can’t and that doesn’t make anyone lesser, more, or being precious.

I loved the baby- toddler stages with both of my boys and they were “easy” baby and toddlers to me and I also didn’t have any nearby family. However, we did have the oldest in nursery 2-3 times a week so youngest had time with me alone as did the first and I was able to sleep when baby slept. Food wise, I EBF both for 2+years and with the second did baby-led weaning as to not waste money on baby food. Once they hit 5, it was more difficult and the ages of 5 and 8 (oldest is autistic) where they are now are much more tiring to me than the baby, toddler stage ever was. They are more mischievous and defiant but also independent which has its positive and negatives.

You do know that babies are, you know, different?

Babies (who aren't crying/colicky all the time) are easy. But you don't realise this until they are on the move, or having tantrums, then it's a completely different ballgame! Those days when you can sit outside and enjoy a lovely baby in their carry case/blanket/carseat napping are lovely... then they learn to move and suddenly you need eyes in the back of your head! Then they talk... and talk... and whine and tantrum. Yes, babies can seem very easy!

I think that children are all different and if you have it easy for some stage then it's because of the child, not because of how great you are. I had the non sleepy difficult baby and just can't go through that first year again. Now she's a toddler, I was warned about this phase, but this she does great! She is so nice, chatty and cute and listens well. Not because of my parenting though, I'm still bumbling along, it's just how she is right now.

I think it's one thing to talk about how great you've personally found being with your newborn. It's another to post threads that are essentially saying "why can't you all cope as wonderfully as I can?"

I don't think OP meant it that way, but that's how it can very easily come across.

I think the OP is not humble-bragging, but referring to the scare-mongering during pregnancy, and I tend to agree!

Making suggestions about how to cope with less sleep and fussy babies is one thing, but scaring them into thinking they've made a massive mistake is stress inducing. Same with the horrible birth stories.

Better to keep quiet beforehand and check on them (new parents) later to see if they need assistance.

Prepare for the worst. It's better for women to understand that their whole world can turn upside down and their body feel destroyed and no longer their own. If you don't, great but at least you're prepared.

Also first the 6 months with an easy baby is a doddle. Well it was for me. The 8 month sleep regression was a fucker though.
Didn't have the terrible twos, defo a bit of the threenager. The fucking 4s/5s was harder though.

It was totally different with my youngest and honestly having an easy baby isn't a badge of honour or a personal achievement. They're all different. I'd say at 6 months you're at the tough bit yet but I hope it all stays manageable for you! Sorry your ex was such a shit bag.

I found it horrendous first time. Thought I’d ruined my life. DC1 was colicky and didn’t sleep or eat well. She then became a Tasmanian Devil of a toddler, throwing tantrums left right and centre. Often had to carry her like a surfboard out of places while she pulled my hair and scratched my face. (She was a delight from about 4 onwards and remains a delight in her late teens).

DC2 was a completely different kettle of fish. You could set your watch by his eating and sleeping schedule which he arrived at all by himself. You could easily forget he was there as he spent his time in a bouncer or lying on a mat just smiling away at nothing. He is now mid teens and still lovely.

If I’d had him first, I’d have probably thought ‘well, this is a piece of piss’. But luckily I had them the other way round and got the tough bit out of the way first 😂

But I’m sure there are women who’d have coped all right with my firstborn. Just not me!

Did your baby scream for hours unless she was touching you?
was feeding a constant source of stress?
did your baby actually sleep
without touching you during the first year for even a single minute?

if you answered yes to even one of these questions, then you are being ridiculously unreasonable because you got off easy.

I've had 3 babies and they were all content, easy and a joy to parent. It was when they hit tween/teen that the trouble began!

That's not what OP said at all. She said she was pumped with so much negativity beforehand and scaremongering that she feels she coped really well. She said women can cope, she didn't say all women are or should be coping. She had been led to believe women can't cope. People have read too much into her comments.

Oh ffs... this is a stupid post because all babies are different, all pregnancies are different, all women are different, everybody's lives are different!

I feel this. I go on about what an easy toddler 3 yo DS is. In the cold light of day I think he’s actually pretty standard. Neither stunningly easy or stunningly hard. It’s just compared to his hellish first 12 months anything feels easy.

I totally get where you’re coming from. It wasn’t so much in advance I got horror stories, more when she was first born people would tell me them. One friend of a friend who I used to see quite often would tell me every time ‘your life is over, over’ I had to start avoiding her to protect my mental health. I had a mixed bag of an experience: baby slept well and took to BF well, but also had reflux and was (still is!) extremely clingy. A friend had a baby 3m ago and I’m really mindful when I see her to try and get a balance between sympathising with her over how hard it is but also giving her positive stories about how quickly things can change/improve. I see the benefit in trying to be honest/authentic about what it’s like but also aware that people project their own feeling which are sometimes really raw and skew their perception of things

All parents are different as are all babies. My son woke hourly for about a year. He’s now 4.5 and still doesn’t sleep well. I have a supportive DH but he couldn’t breast feed and DS wouldn’t take a bottle. He also napped for about 20 mins at a time in the day.. on me or in the car so no I didn’t catch up on sleep! Sleep deprivation made me suicidal and still now if I sleep badly I feel horrific!

I actually don’t think I was pre warned as much as I wish I had been! Although it wouldn’t have changed much as I couldn’t have done a lot about it! Sounds like your child is quite chilled and you’re doing really well… I hope it continues for you x

I get what you mean OP and the reactions here prove your point. We are only allowed to share horror stories these days. Anyone who enjoys their baby is written off as smug.

What surprised me was the number of people who seemed to genuinely want me to struggle as a mother, because they had. I never passed comment on my friend’s’ experience because they had babies before me so I was clueless. But when I was pregnant I could count on one hand the positive comments I got, versus hundreds of horror stories. I’ll never forget going out with friends when my baby was a couple of months old and my supposed bf was grinning like a Cheshire cat waiting to hear how much I hated it and her face just fell when I said that I loved it and my baby was pretty easy and my DH was sharing the load.

My babies weren’t perfect but I’m not the kind of person who needs or expects a perfect life. I had people describe their ‘hellish’ experiences with their baby who was exactly like my first - slept all night long from a very early age but didn’t like sleeping in their bassinet/cot during the day. So it was either a 45 min sleep at home or a 2 hr sleep if I went walking with the pram. So I walked every day listening to music (sadly before the time of audio books and podcasts) and got really fit! While they stayed home and battled with their baby trying to resettle them because they were determined to have their 2-3 hr sleep in their cot like the books say they should. If people asked me how mine was I would say she’s amazing because I was so grateful to be able to sleep all night. Just a different perspective.

I get what you mean OP and the reactions here prove your point. We are only allowed to share horror stories these days. Anyone who enjoys their baby is written off as smug

i don’t think it’s that. If you have an easy baby It’s fine.

babies can be easy
they can also be an exhausting, clingy nightmare.

it’s rarely anything you’ve done, or any sort of reflection on your parenting. It’s just how babies are.

the smugness comes from those who claim they don’t understand how babies can be difficult. You just put them down and go enjoy your dinner/shower/coffee. You should just leave them to cry for a little while. Some babies you can, some you can’t.

i’m not going to tell someone with an easy baby that they’re doing something wrong if they aren’t struggling. So don’t tell someone who’s struggling if they only did x or y their baby would be easier.

It’s super dependent on your child and particularly where/when they will sleep and degree to which you can put them down. Our first was incredibly hard to get to sleep and was awake 5/6 times on a good night and so many times I lost count on a bad one. Nothing we tried settled her and I found it incredibly hard particularly once I went back to work. She didn’t sleep through at all until she was over 2 and not reliably till she went to school. She also hated being put down unless it was in her pram to be pushed somewhere.
Our second slept for 4-5 hour blocks from the night she was born and slept through most nights. If she had a bad night she would nap in the day in her sidecar cot and I could sleep beside her in the bed. She would sleep in a Moses basket downstairs or in the pram without being rocked or pushed throughout in the day. She was reliably sleeping through before her second birthday.
It made a massive difference to how much fun it was and to how easy it was. With our second the baby year was delightful most of the time as it was also when her big sister started sleeping a lot better. There is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture

For me this wasn't how it was but I still found it easy. I was a young mum(well 21) and didn't really know what I was supposed to do, I didn't have a clue that people expected to put the baby down and get on with their day. I ate one handed, I did contact naps, I used a sling, I carried them pretty much non stop until they didn't want to be carried any more the definition in my left arm was 💪. It was all no trouble for me, they were clearly upset being apart from me so carrying them, contact naps etc was the easy option for me.

This isn't me being smug I'm just saying that people find different things easy, being close to my baby pretty much all of the time was easy for me. Leaving the baby to cry would have been hard.

I think it's all perspective.

My first was a very easy baby, but I had PND and was incredibly anxious for the first year.

My second was much more demanding, but I was a lot more experienced by then and found it far easier - I was just ready to put myself last, it was very freeing and I'm still like it now they're 19 and 16!