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Original poster

16 Year Old Daughter sat on fathers knee. Disgusting?

464 replies

RedFlags1 · 11/04/2023 15:12

It was my birthday last month and I went round to my new partners house for a meal with my two daughters.

After dinner I sat in an arm chair in the sitting room and my 16 year old came in and sat on my knee and gave me a hug and said Happy Birthday Dad. She was on my knee for about 30 seconds.

My partner was moody all evening and then shocked me by saying that this was because my daughter had sat on my knee. She said that this was abnormal and disgusting, that she thought it completely inappropriate for an adult woman to sit on my knee.

She went on to say that this made her feel sick and about to faint.

I am stunned by this reaction to something that I see as completely natural and not at all controversial.

At home I will often sit on the sofa next to my girls (16, 20+, 20+++) and put my arm around them. I have never for one second thought this inappropriate, nor have they.

Can I ask, does anyone think that it is inappropriate behaviour or disgusting?

OP posts:
Ilovecleaning · 13/04/2023 08:24

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/04/2023 08:00

Only if you have a creepy brain.

Show quote history

I wondered how long it would take…

Ilovecleaning · 13/04/2023 08:35

2bazookas · 11/04/2023 15:46

Gawd, I bet she's not much fun in bed.

One of my sons still sat on my lap when he came home from university, and he was still getting into our bed in the morning up until he got married.

🤮

BustyLaRoux · 13/04/2023 11:30

Moody all night and feeling sick is an odd reaction. But I would also find the behaviour a bit off. Not so much in a sexual way. Or it being suggestive of anything untoward. Just would give me the ick a bit. My DP’s kids are very physical with him. They’re 10 and 13 and they play fight and tickle and roll about on top of him and the older one likes to nuzzle his face into my DP’s neck. Yes it’s nice they’re close but the behaviour gives me the ick and I have to leave the room. I certainly wouldn’t be moody with him over it though. They’re his children and he can behave how he likes!

BustyLaRoux · 13/04/2023 11:35

And having read more of your posts, the issue is definitely with her. Even if it gives her the ick, as it probably would me, there’s nothing wrong with it. If anything she is gaslighting you (a term which is so commonly misused by people). She is trying to make you think there is something wrong and wholly inappropriate with you and your behaviour. It’s her issue. If it makes her uncomfortable then she can leave the room as I do with my DP.

MadMadaMim · 13/04/2023 12:11

Our DD is 19. When she's home, she'll lie on sofa me/her dad, she often sits on our knee to give/get a full blown squeezy hug. She's very tactile and it's like a family joke that she takes any opportunity to be made a fuss off. She's the only 'child' in our family and is the same with aunts and uncles.

We're a touchy feely family of italians - we were the same with our parents and extended family.

In your DP's defence, there may be some past trauma that is triggered but it still doesn't excuse childish sulking behaviour. You need to discuss this and reach a point where you're both happy - having to adjust your interaction with your DC is not an option, IMO.

Nordicrain · 13/04/2023 12:16

I would not hesitate to get rid of a partner who in any way suggested there was something sexual or inappropriate between me and my kids. That would be the end for me.

Sennelier1 · 13/04/2023 13:14

I have answered before, me being a daughter who sat on her dad's knees untill he got new knees 😅 But I want to add that the reaction of OP 's new partner is not necessarily caused by sexual abuse. My own mother always was very jealous of the bond between me and my father and often protested vehemently when I sat on his knees. She didn't like it when he gave me a compliment, a bit of attention, a nice word. I'm the spitting image of my dad, she never liked me. She adores my 6 (yes 6) siblings, but I was always the odd-one-out. I was loved by my grandparents (dad's side) and by my dad. He always claimed he liked his children whatever their age sitting on his lap. Hell, my own daughter sat on her grandpa's knees when she was 16, and she still likes to sit on my husband's knees. She's 37! When my dad got ill and couldn't defend me anymore she started saying she would prefer for me to be dead as she thought it difficult I was still around. My father died last year at age 90. I'm not in contact with my mother anymore.

Piratecatcher · 13/04/2023 13:43

Totally normal and lovely It’s apalling that her mind sees it as disgusting..sick and faint yuk .. it’s her that’s distorting it and that’s her stuff .She will go in to destroy your relationship with your lovely loving daughters. You will be acting differently around them to avoid an argument if you continue this relationship and that would be devastating. My 6 ft 4 25 year old son sits on my knee on the odd occasion and gives me (his mum) a big hug and so does my adult daughter. I used to sit on my dads knee in my 30 s right up til he died. We are a demonstrative family with absolutely no history of abuse. Please don’t let her destroy this loving family for you

redbigbananafeet · 13/04/2023 15:42

I'm glad you will be cutting ties with this woman as she is obviously very unhealthy. Out of pure curiosity, is your daughter particularly beautiful? I wonder if this is pure jealousy

billy1966 · 13/04/2023 15:49

I wouldn't want her around my children.

My girls adore their father.

Whilst they may not sit in his lap, they certainly would throw their legs on top of him when sitting on the sofa, or have an arm around him, head on his shoulder etc.

They are very close.

I think it's so nice to see.

MissMarplesbag · 13/04/2023 16:22

She is gaslighting you and that's the hallmark of a narcissist, they'll twist it round to you. Get rid of this woman because she wants to create a rift between you and your daughter. She is jealous and she will destroy your relationships with your wider family.

If you ever married her, she'd ensure that her sons would be included in your will but not your children. Get rid of her because she's dangerous for your daughter.

angela99999 · 13/04/2023 17:10

RedFlags1 · 13/04/2023 06:56

At the time I told her that her reaction was completely unreasonable and that the problem was with her interpretation and her response.
I pointed out that her reaction was completely overblown and disproportionate, as it had been with the other incidents I mentioned.

She accused me of "Gaslighting" her. I wasn't even sure what she meant by that at the time and had to look it up. It means twisting the situation and putting the blame on her.

Reading these comments, it wasn't gaslighting it was pointing out the obvious.

Run @redFlags1, run for the hills!

Your new partner is, sadly, a bit of an odd one. Has a previous partner been weird around children or do you think that she is just jealous of your daughter?

Riri24 · 13/04/2023 17:14

What on earth!! Absolutely crazy reaction from her and I would be very insulted at the implication if I was you. I am in my 30s and would still cuddle my dad/ sit on sofa with him/ sit on his knee- as would my 30 year old sister (our daughters.)

Riri24 · 13/04/2023 17:27

*AND our daughters

Serrina · 13/04/2023 17:52

redbigbananafeet · 13/04/2023 15:42

I'm glad you will be cutting ties with this woman as she is obviously very unhealthy. Out of pure curiosity, is your daughter particularly beautiful? I wonder if this is pure jealousy

Or as I said in a previous reply, it could also be that the daughter looks like the OPs ex (her mother) and OPs partner feels threatened by that. Its not a normal reaction, whatever it is.

Emmamoo89 · 13/04/2023 18:01

Get rid!

Screwballs · 13/04/2023 18:02

Amantissima · 11/04/2023 15:24

She sounds as if she's sexualising your relationship with your teenage daughter AND views her as some kind of rival for your affection/intention.

I disagree with the sexualising, I don't think she is likely to actually think that, but I completely agree that she is using that to make him feel some sort of way to stop him allowing it again owing to rivalry. She doesn't want to share your attention. Take it from me, I've been the woman in that sort of scenario, it made me all sorts of jealous and insecure that I wasn't number 1. It doesn't end well, you'll be forced to make comprises with your relationships that you can't undo. Pick your daughters and find someone that understands what being a parent means.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/04/2023 18:19

sandyhappypeople · 13/04/2023 00:36

I'm a bit late to this one, but as a word of warning, my step mother was like this.

She married my dad when I was 11 and she hated him spending time with me, he wasn't allowed to be alone with me, he wasn't allowed to help me with anything, I used to see them once a week as this was 'acceptable', I remember one day I was upset about something and he sat next to me and put his arm round me and she immediately hit the roof! She started shouting and said it looked like we were two lovers sat together. I didn't understand what I'd done wrong as a child, but I assumed it was my fault, and did everything I could not to antagonise her after that, I didn't want to get my dad in 'trouble'.

We were never alone together, but one time, a lot later, something happened to my car on the way round so I asked my dad to have a quick look when I got there, it was something really simple so he fixed it and she wouldn't speak the rest of the time I was there as we'd been outside alone together for 10 minutes.

She was fucking poisonous that one, and it was all because of jealousy, I saw it all over 25 years, I'm not saying your partner is as bad as this but it's definitely a red flag, which will only get worse over time if you let it. If you're a 'anything for a quiet life' person like my dad was, then I'd say be very careful what you go along with, it sets a precedent going forward of what you'll accept and what you won't.

My advice would be, don't put up with any of it.

I'm so sorry this happened to you too. I can also offer a word of warning as due to a vile, jealous girlfriend, my now ex husband has not seen our son since he was 8, he's now 12. She made it quite clear he didn't feature in their future. My story is long and painful but another tale of caution for the OP.

chelslurker · 13/04/2023 20:49

Seabreeze18 · 13/04/2023 07:33

Then I’m afraid OP she doesn’t seem very nice! Maybe u need to rethink this relationship?

I think if she had trauma in her past, "gaslighting" would be something she would understandably be wary of. People are abused (eg sexually) by being gaslit, otherwise they wouldn't let themselves be abused

Doesn't mean OP has to be with her though

vickylou78 · 14/04/2023 09:56

Having your daughters sit on your lap and have a cuddle is perfectly normal! They are your babies. Why should that stop if everyone is happy. I'm 44 and still hug my dad or sit right next to him and wouldn't think anything of it. I'd sit on his knees but would probably squash him as I weigh 12 stones though!

vickylou78 · 14/04/2023 09:57

I wonder if your partner has experienced some kind of trauma

Mumof3confused · 14/04/2023 16:38

Your role as a father is to put your daughter first and protect her. Your alarm bells are going off, and rightly so.

I would suggest seeing a therapist to work through any issues you may yourself be carrying which prevents you from taking action.

BlueVixen · 16/04/2023 21:28

This makes me sad. The same thing happened to me. I was 12 and my Mum had just been found dead. I had to move house and get to know my Dad and Step-Mother properly (I knew them from only two weeks every summer). I was understandably upset and needed a hug so went to my Dad and perched on his knee. My Step-Mother lost her temper and forbade me from doing it again. It continued with her being a barrier between us because of jealousy. It left life long scars. I ran away at 15 to the Army to get away from her. People knew but didn't get involved in those days. Please don't be like my weak Dad, stick up for your relationship with your daughters, daughters need their Dad. You sound like a lovely Dad fwiw. x

Original poster
RedFlags1 · 28/03/2024 07:34

I wanted to thank everyone for the support you gave me.
Re-reading the thread the advice was overwhelmingly to leave her, which I have now done.
I am ashamed that it took a further 11 months to do so, and further similar incidents. I stopped her seeing my daughter before that.

There has been a cascade of vitriol and abuse from her subsequently, interspaced with pleas to reconsider, abuse of me, my family and friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedFlags1 · 28/03/2024 07:39

I did show her this thread, in the hopes that she would see how unanimous the view of "society" was.
She was outraged that I had posted and claimed not to have read it, as she didn't value the opinion of "a bunch of internet trolls who had nothing better to do than post on websites all day"

I really don't know why it took me so long to leave her, when the answer was so obvious from the outset.

OP posts:
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