Page 16 | 16 Year Old Daughter sat on fathers knee. Disgusting?

RedFlags1 · 2023-04-11T14:12:16+00:00

It was my birthday last month and I went round to my new partners house for a meal with my two daughters. After dinner I sat in an arm chair in the sitting room and my 16 year old came in and sat on my knee and gave me a hug and said Happy Birthday Dad. She was on my knee for about 30 seconds. My partner was moody all evening and then shocked me by saying that this was because my daughter had sat on my knee. She said that this was abnormal and disgusting, that she thought it completely inappropriate for an adult woman to sit on my knee. She went on to say that this made her feel sick and about to faint. I am stunned by this reaction to something that I see as completely natural and not at all controversial. At home I will often sit on the sofa next to my girls (16, 20+, 20+++) and put my arm around them. I have never for one second thought this inappropriate, nor have they. Can I ask, does anyone think that it is inappropriate behaviour or disgusting?

321user123 · 13/04/2023 00:16

RedFlags1 · 12/04/2023 22:30

Thank you for all of the messages.
I do really appreciate the support and everyone taking the time to reply
This is actually the 4th issue involving my daughter where she has reacted in a completely over the top manner, all slightly different but with a similar theme that it is inappropriate for me to spend time alone with my daughter.
I have other children who are older and they have not elicited similar reactions...
There is a lot to take in......

Right OP….

So my previous answer was to dump.
But now I have a very strong suspicion that your partner may have been a victim of sexual abuse of some sort. If she hasn’t suffered 1st hand it may have been someone else very close to her like a sister, best friend, mum. Etc.

Especially of all of the issues are around the same topic.

Maybe try to have that chat with her.

She might need to have a chat with a counsellor to deal with those feelings and move on (even if she hasn’t had any history of abuse as she clearly has some sort of trauma around it).

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2023 00:18

321user123 · 13/04/2023 00:16

Right OP….

So my previous answer was to dump.
But now I have a very strong suspicion that your partner may have been a victim of sexual abuse of some sort. If she hasn’t suffered 1st hand it may have been someone else very close to her like a sister, best friend, mum. Etc.

Especially of all of the issues are around the same topic.

Maybe try to have that chat with her.

She might need to have a chat with a counsellor to deal with those feelings and move on (even if she hasn’t had any history of abuse as she clearly has some sort of trauma around it).

Show quote history

Your answer should still be to dump. The op isn't responsible for the mental health issues of their partner, and this person is trying to alienate the op from her children.

The relationship needs to be over.

sandyhappypeople · 13/04/2023 00:36

I'm a bit late to this one, but as a word of warning, my step mother was like this.

She married my dad when I was 11 and she hated him spending time with me, he wasn't allowed to be alone with me, he wasn't allowed to help me with anything, I used to see them once a week as this was 'acceptable', I remember one day I was upset about something and he sat next to me and put his arm round me and she immediately hit the roof! She started shouting and said it looked like we were two lovers sat together. I didn't understand what I'd done wrong as a child, but I assumed it was my fault, and did everything I could not to antagonise her after that, I didn't want to get my dad in 'trouble'.

We were never alone together, but one time, a lot later, something happened to my car on the way round so I asked my dad to have a quick look when I got there, it was something really simple so he fixed it and she wouldn't speak the rest of the time I was there as we'd been outside alone together for 10 minutes.

She was fucking poisonous that one, and it was all because of jealousy, I saw it all over 25 years, I'm not saying your partner is as bad as this but it's definitely a red flag, which will only get worse over time if you let it. If you're a 'anything for a quiet life' person like my dad was, then I'd say be very careful what you go along with, it sets a precedent going forward of what you'll accept and what you won't.

My advice would be, don't put up with any of it.

EasterBreak · 13/04/2023 00:37

I have one the same age it's completely normal. Heck my 20+ year old little brother was hugged up to our mum on the sofa the other day. Why is that weird. Your new gf obviously has problems she needs to deal with.

JudgeRudy · 13/04/2023 00:37

I actually don't think it's so weird for your partner to feel this way. I'm presuming you're a pretty new couple if this is the first time she's observed this kind of physical closeness. She doesnt have the same relationship to your daughter as you do. She sees an adult (arguably a child) draped across you. I dont for one minute she felt there was anything vaguely sexual about it but it looked sexual and her gut instinct has cut in. I think she's wrong to tell you it's inappropriate but maybe it was right to tell you how she felt. Is she 'taxtile' in front of your family, so would she sit on your knee or stroke you, kiss you?
I feel queasy when I watch people 'nuzzling' their pets. I don't think it's 'wrong' as such, it's just I think please don't do that in front of others....I don't think she's jealous as others have suggested, I think it just gives her the ick.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2023 00:39

sandyhappypeople · 13/04/2023 00:36

I'm a bit late to this one, but as a word of warning, my step mother was like this.

She married my dad when I was 11 and she hated him spending time with me, he wasn't allowed to be alone with me, he wasn't allowed to help me with anything, I used to see them once a week as this was 'acceptable', I remember one day I was upset about something and he sat next to me and put his arm round me and she immediately hit the roof! She started shouting and said it looked like we were two lovers sat together. I didn't understand what I'd done wrong as a child, but I assumed it was my fault, and did everything I could not to antagonise her after that, I didn't want to get my dad in 'trouble'.

We were never alone together, but one time, a lot later, something happened to my car on the way round so I asked my dad to have a quick look when I got there, it was something really simple so he fixed it and she wouldn't speak the rest of the time I was there as we'd been outside alone together for 10 minutes.

She was fucking poisonous that one, and it was all because of jealousy, I saw it all over 25 years, I'm not saying your partner is as bad as this but it's definitely a red flag, which will only get worse over time if you let it. If you're a 'anything for a quiet life' person like my dad was, then I'd say be very careful what you go along with, it sets a precedent going forward of what you'll accept and what you won't.

My advice would be, don't put up with any of it.

I am so sorry you went through this, and as disgusting as your stepmother was/is, I am horrified that you father put up with this madness. He should have been on your side, and he wasn't.

Sleepyandconfused · 13/04/2023 00:40

This is a MASSIVE red flag! She’s jealous of your child! Get rid!

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2023 00:41

JudgeRudy · 13/04/2023 00:37

I actually don't think it's so weird for your partner to feel this way. I'm presuming you're a pretty new couple if this is the first time she's observed this kind of physical closeness. She doesnt have the same relationship to your daughter as you do. She sees an adult (arguably a child) draped across you. I dont for one minute she felt there was anything vaguely sexual about it but it looked sexual and her gut instinct has cut in. I think she's wrong to tell you it's inappropriate but maybe it was right to tell you how she felt. Is she 'taxtile' in front of your family, so would she sit on your knee or stroke you, kiss you?
I feel queasy when I watch people 'nuzzling' their pets. I don't think it's 'wrong' as such, it's just I think please don't do that in front of others....I don't think she's jealous as others have suggested, I think it just gives her the ick.

Fucking hell. Op, ignore every word of this. There's always one who defends the abuser.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/04/2023 00:47

JudgeRudy · 13/04/2023 00:37

I actually don't think it's so weird for your partner to feel this way. I'm presuming you're a pretty new couple if this is the first time she's observed this kind of physical closeness. She doesnt have the same relationship to your daughter as you do. She sees an adult (arguably a child) draped across you. I dont for one minute she felt there was anything vaguely sexual about it but it looked sexual and her gut instinct has cut in. I think she's wrong to tell you it's inappropriate but maybe it was right to tell you how she felt. Is she 'taxtile' in front of your family, so would she sit on your knee or stroke you, kiss you?
I feel queasy when I watch people 'nuzzling' their pets. I don't think it's 'wrong' as such, it's just I think please don't do that in front of others....I don't think she's jealous as others have suggested, I think it just gives her the ick.

It doesn’t take much effort to read the OPs posts…

Its an ongoing issue.
only with the youngest DD.

and she has no issue with her children being tactile.

And if it gives her “the ick” then the decent thing is to walk away. Not deliberately interfere in a parent child relationship and suggest impropriety surely?

sandyhappypeople · 13/04/2023 00:58

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2023 00:39

I am so sorry you went through this, and as disgusting as your stepmother was/is, I am horrified that you father put up with this madness. He should have been on your side, and he wasn't.

Show quote history

Thank you for your words, as I got older I saw it more for what it was and just accepted that it would never change, I see it all the time though what people put up with, it just becomes their 'normal' and it's too hard to do anything about it.

The final straw was when she found out she had an incurable illness but neither her or my dad told me for over a year because 'she didn't want me to know' she'd been my stepmum for over 25 years, and I used to see them once a week, I went no contact after that, I just couldn't take the rejection any more, fucking grown woman and I used to go home from their house in tears sometimes feeling like that powerless 11 year old, best decision I ever made.

Noah2021 · 13/04/2023 01:11

I am sorry but she is not ok in the head . 16 she is still a child and there is nothing wrong with that .

JudgeRudy · 13/04/2023 01:21

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2023 00:41

Fucking hell. Op, ignore every word of this. There's always one who defends the abuser.

Show quote history

No defending going on, just pointing out that some people (a minority) do find it 'icky'. They don't have to have been SA victims or messed up, it's just a gut reaction.
Nothing in my post saying I think it's inappropriate, in fact if you re read I've said she was wrong to imply it was inappropriate, so lm hardly defending am I?

DeeCeeCherry · 13/04/2023 03:07

She's a possessive creep. Get rid. I'm baffled you have to ask MN opinion.

MrsLiu1981 · 13/04/2023 03:16

Run for the hills! Your partner's reaction is ridiculous and concerning.

myfaceismyown · 13/04/2023 06:04

Pottedpalm · 11/04/2023 15:23

How fab to have a daughter who loves you and shows it.

this

Bloopsie · 13/04/2023 06:13

You are her dad she can sit on your lap when she is 40 too and it will be still fine.

Bagwyllydiart · 13/04/2023 06:22

Your partner sounds very weird. Run.

glowfrog · 13/04/2023 06:32

RedFlags1 · 12/04/2023 22:30

Thank you for all of the messages.
I do really appreciate the support and everyone taking the time to reply
This is actually the 4th issue involving my daughter where she has reacted in a completely over the top manner, all slightly different but with a similar theme that it is inappropriate for me to spend time alone with my daughter.
I have other children who are older and they have not elicited similar reactions...
There is a lot to take in......

Am sure this has been mentioned already but there was a thread not dissimilar to this one a while back . The OP discussed his partner m's reaction and she disclosed she'd suffered some sexual abuse in her childhood IIRC. It could be a similar situation here, depending on what she's got upset about before.

It's still her problem for her to address but could it be the same thing here?

Seabreeze18 · 13/04/2023 06:37

Ask her outright if she has suffered sexual abuse? Or seen it first hand? Then also ask her if she is jealous of your daughter?
how she reacts will say a lot but please put your daughter first.

Theyoungestone · 13/04/2023 06:49

Brilliant reply Sandyhappypeople. It's good that you came in near the end of this post as yours really sums it up. So sorry for the lost time with your dad. ❤️

Original poster

RedFlags1 · 13/04/2023 06:56

At the time I told her that her reaction was completely unreasonable and that the problem was with her interpretation and her response.
I pointed out that her reaction was completely overblown and disproportionate, as it had been with the other incidents I mentioned.

She accused me of "Gaslighting" her. I wasn't even sure what she meant by that at the time and had to look it up. It means twisting the situation and putting the blame on her.

Reading these comments, it wasn't gaslighting it was pointing out the obvious.

OP posts:

Seabreeze18 · 13/04/2023 07:33

Then I’m afraid OP she doesn’t seem very nice! Maybe u need to rethink this relationship?

Ilovecleaning · 13/04/2023 07:56

In theory it seems ok, loving, affectionate etc. in practice it looks a bit off.

Ilovecleaning · 13/04/2023 07:58

Clicked ‘send’ too soon - however, gf’s reaction is OTT

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/04/2023 08:00

Ilovecleaning · 13/04/2023 07:56

In theory it seems ok, loving, affectionate etc. in practice it looks a bit off.

Only if you have a creepy brain.