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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is one more child really such a terrible idea?

141 replies

JustOneMore3 · 11/04/2023 12:20

Our children are 9 and 7. DH and I have always wanted 3 children but have waited as the time hasn’t seemed right. I’m now mid 30’s and it’s now or never for us. We are not home owners, but have £30k in the bank. I’m a part time student and also working part time, hoping to boost my income once I finish my degree in 2025. I’m entitled to full pay for 6 months for maternity pay with my current employer so a decent deal there.

Deep down I do really want to try for another baby but anyone I’ve mentioned it to seems to think it’s a bad idea, either due to the age gap and days out being tricky, or taking attention away from our other children.

So…

YABU - one more kid is a silly idea
YANBU - it’s fine, have one more

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 11/04/2023 12:21

Personally I think the gap is too big now. Risk of twins is higher as well at your age.

MorrisZapp · 11/04/2023 12:27

What does your DH think?

Farmgirl12 · 11/04/2023 12:29

someone once told me that you’ll never regret having another baby, but would regret not having another.

I’d go with your heart x

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 11/04/2023 12:29

Personally, I wouldn’t in your circumstances because childcare is getting harder and harder to find.

Princessfuckingpeach · 11/04/2023 12:30

What farmgirl12 said x

SquishyGloopyBum · 11/04/2023 12:30

I think 2 is enough.

Would you be able to finish your degree if you have another?

What about home ownership?

What's driving this?

Think hard about the impacts on your existing children with that age gap. It will affect them.

RJnomore1 · 11/04/2023 12:30

I would, I’m 10 years down the road from you and regret not having a 3rd, even though I didn’t because of how bad my previous 2 pregnancies were.

Comedycook · 11/04/2023 12:30

I agree with a pp that the age gap is now too big. They will have vastly different interests and you'll struggle to find activities for a toddler and two preteens.

MuffinToSeeHere · 11/04/2023 12:31

I think you're looking at it through rose tinted glasses. You have 2 children who are getting older and will be wanting more independence shortly. Adding a new baby to the mix and starting from scratch seems like a really daft thing to do.

Morningcoffeeview · 11/04/2023 12:32

You can’t afford it - how are you going to pay for childcare and keep meaningful employment?

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 12:32

Does it matter if MN thinks two is enough, or that the gap is too big? No. If youn both want one and can afford it, do it.
It isn't anyone elses business.

FiveShelties · 11/04/2023 12:32

Are you in a rental with a secure tenancy?

Hazelnuttella · 11/04/2023 12:33

I know a family with similar age gaps (all DC are adults now). Third child was unplanned.

Youngest child struggled a bit with older siblings leaving to go to university etc. But all get on well now as adults.

Don’t know what the answer is really!

Comedycook · 11/04/2023 12:34

Farmgirl12 · 11/04/2023 12:29

someone once told me that you’ll never regret having another baby, but would regret not having another.

I’d go with your heart x

I disagree with this. Lots of people regret having DC...they just don't say it. I have two. I know I'd regret a third.

Sunshineismyfriend · 11/04/2023 12:34

A friend had this age gap, well they were 7 and 9 when new baby was born and she finds it really hard. Youngest started primary the year the middle started secondary and while the rest of us were happy to be done with primary school and looking forward to the independence secondary would give us all - she was starting primary all over again. She also found it difficult ferrying the older ones to friends and activities etc as the younger one was exhausted after a day in reception and needed dinner bath and bed starting at 5pm. She found she did two different meal times too as 5pm was too early for the rest of them to eat but then a later dinner interested with the youngest she’d time as she was a bad sleeper. After seeing those struggles I wouldn’t want that kind of age gap.

Yummymummy2020 · 11/04/2023 12:35

I think if you want another and are happy that you can manage you should go for it as it does tend to get harder as you get older. Even deciding you want another now there are still no guarantees it will happen fast or at all so I wouldn’t put it off!

Jeannieofthelamp · 11/04/2023 12:35

I mean this as a genuine question, why are other people's opinions bothering you? You sound like you have thought it through, you say it's what you want, you're reasonably well placed to do it, so what is making you hesitate? It might help you to think about why what others think is so important - what aspect of it is making you think twice? Once you've got to the bottom of that you might find it easier to make a clear decision.

BananaSpanner · 11/04/2023 12:35

Your life will be much more comfortable if you don’t. More money, less stress, less delays to career progression, more space, easier life all round with current kids getting older. I would only sacrifice all that if it was going to make me really unhappy to not have a third.

toastofthetown · 11/04/2023 12:35

Farmgirl12 · 11/04/2023 12:29

someone once told me that you’ll never regret having another baby, but would regret not having another.

I’d go with your heart x

Lots of people regret having children. Many people who wanted another child at one point and don’t have the baby feel glad several years down the line they didn’t have the extra child.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 11/04/2023 12:36

I've got a 9 year age gap and it's been fine for us. DS2 has been a bloody hard baby and it's actually helped with ds1 being older tbh.

We've still done everything we would have done with just 1, DS has his hobbies, we've been on holidays - it's hasn't impacted the older one having a sibling so much younger and they adore each other.

They both get 1/1 time with both of us and we do stuff all together. Not sure how it can be "too big" a gap.

VivaVivaa · 11/04/2023 12:37

I wouldn’t in your situation. But I’m relatively pessimistic. I would want housing security, to finish my studies and definitely see that income boost post degree, not just hope for it. You may be more optimistic and spontaneous than I am though! I don’t think I’d let age gap hold me back in your situation, it’s more the practicalities.

WandaWonder · 11/04/2023 12:38

It will effect the children you have, what do they think?

Original poster
JustOneMore3 · 11/04/2023 12:40

I mean this as a genuine question, why are other people's opinions bothering you? You sound like you have thought it through, you say it's what you want, you're reasonably well placed to do it, so what is making you hesitate? It might help you to think about why what others think is so important - what aspect of it is making you think twice? Once you've got to the bottom of that you might find it easier to make a clear decision.

I had a really tough childhood with a very unloving mum. For that reason, it’s so important to me to be the best mum I can be to my own children. I know how important it is to prioritise existing children over the thought a future one and so peoples negative opinions are giving me a fear that I’ll somehow be letting my existing children down by having another. My children both beg me for another sibling. They have lots of little cousins and are great with them. However, they are only kids so can’t possibly know how having another sibling might impact them. I’m definitely an over thinker, so that’s probably not helping here.

OP posts:
CeciNestPasUnPipi · 11/04/2023 12:44

JustOneMore3 · 11/04/2023 12:40

I mean this as a genuine question, why are other people's opinions bothering you? You sound like you have thought it through, you say it's what you want, you're reasonably well placed to do it, so what is making you hesitate? It might help you to think about why what others think is so important - what aspect of it is making you think twice? Once you've got to the bottom of that you might find it easier to make a clear decision.

I had a really tough childhood with a very unloving mum. For that reason, it’s so important to me to be the best mum I can be to my own children. I know how important it is to prioritise existing children over the thought a future one and so peoples negative opinions are giving me a fear that I’ll somehow be letting my existing children down by having another. My children both beg me for another sibling. They have lots of little cousins and are great with them. However, they are only kids so can’t possibly know how having another sibling might impact them. I’m definitely an over thinker, so that’s probably not helping here.

I'd be careful of over-compensating for a tough childhood by letting your children's preferences sway your decision.

Also: the rush of hormones as you near peri-menopause will often be compelling in terms of the urges it creates.

DDivaStar · 11/04/2023 12:45

Emotionally you may always regret not having number 3 but....
There are many practical reasons many people stop at 2. Add in the large age gap, your current dc may struggle with a new baby and it may well be tough going back and starting a whole new round of parenting just as dc 1&2 are gaining some independence.

You say you have savings and a good maternity package but a new baby will impact the time you are able to devote to progressing your career and earning potential. So any progression may be delayed.

It sounds like you could manage but don't underestimate the impact of starting parenting all over again.