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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is one more child really such a terrible idea?

141 replies

JustOneMore3 · 11/04/2023 12:20

Our children are 9 and 7. DH and I have always wanted 3 children but have waited as the time hasn’t seemed right. I’m now mid 30’s and it’s now or never for us. We are not home owners, but have £30k in the bank. I’m a part time student and also working part time, hoping to boost my income once I finish my degree in 2025. I’m entitled to full pay for 6 months for maternity pay with my current employer so a decent deal there.

Deep down I do really want to try for another baby but anyone I’ve mentioned it to seems to think it’s a bad idea, either due to the age gap and days out being tricky, or taking attention away from our other children.

So…

YABU - one more kid is a silly idea
YANBU - it’s fine, have one more

OP posts:
MoggyMittens23 · 11/04/2023 14:14

Do the children fully understand the impact it would have on their lives? I'm thinking not. No way would I do it.

ShimmeringShirts · 11/04/2023 14:14

I have similar age gap between my two oldest and my youngest. Youngest is spoilt for attention, older two get plenty of 1-1 time and mostly things tick along pretty nicely. There’s a 14 year age gap between me and second youngest Dsis and 20 years with me and youngest Dsis. Fuck all wrong with it, we love each other, we’re close, we support each other etc. Not sure why any of that is an issue…

HermioneHerman · 11/04/2023 14:15

I have 3 with an age gap of 6 and 9 years between the elder two and baby. Little one is adored and I've had no worries with the big ones not being interested, they've been wonderful. But #3 is an incredibly difficult child, very high needs, poor sleeper and intense all the time. I don't regret having her but had I known it would have been so so hard (much harder than 0-1 or 1-2 for me personally) I may have thought twice. As it was, I think I panicked about getting older and didn't feel 'done' but certainly life has now changed a lot. I now feel a bit guilty that she won't have a close in age sibling like the older ones do but there is no chance I could do this again now. I hope I don't sound horrible but just trying to be realistic. She's added a lot to our family for sure but it's come at a cost, especially to my sanity! And the older ones do get less of me at the moment because their sister takes most of my energy! I'm sure it will shift again though in time. It comes down to personality in short and you just won't know unless you try it.

CandleInTheStorm · 11/04/2023 14:16

It depends what you want in the future I guess. When you're mid 40s they'll be 17 and 19, by 50 they will be nicely into adulthood. If you have one now, you'll be 50 when the new child is just starting their teen years and mid - late 50s by the time they are an adult.
I'd choose the ease of enjoying the rest of the primary years and get through what the secondary years bring whilst your dc are of similar age, similar level of activities and have similar age related problems. Then enjoy it when you're late 40s having older teens/young adults going off to do their own thing whilst you can focus on a career and enjoy childfree breaks away. The alternative is your older dc going off to do their thing whilst you are still saddled with a younger child doing the same old boring shit you've been doing for donkeys years (school runs/kids activities/baby sitter if you want adult time away) then having to deal with a teen during your menopause years. Sod that!

I know some absolutely love it though and could have babies forever but for me, I've enjoyed my kids younger years and currently going through the teens. Then it's my time to enjoy after the hard work of bringing up 2 kids!

Darkernights · 11/04/2023 14:16

Farmgirl12 · 11/04/2023 12:29

someone once told me that you’ll never regret having another baby, but would regret not having another.

I’d go with your heart x

I do wish people would not present these trite statements as profound universal truths.

Its like that 'You don't regret the things you do. Only the things you don't do'. Utter shit. You can feel wistful about something you never did. And its a safe wistfulness as you will never actually know how things would have turned out if you had taken that path. But you can live the rest of your life in painful regret at the thing you did do that imploded your life.

MyrrAgain · 11/04/2023 14:17

You can list out all the pros and cons, but ultimately if you want another baby they will mean nothing. They shouldn't get in the way.

Also free childcare will be changing in the next few years and FINALLY the government has realised working parents feel it's pointless going to work for 12p an hour after childcare expenses. So it might not be as costly.

nopenotplaying · 11/04/2023 14:17

I have that age gap between my second and third children. They get along great and it a joy to see them together. Go with your heart

Jap26 · 11/04/2023 14:18

I'd think of logistics, the world is set up for families of 4.

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 14:22

Jap26 · 11/04/2023 14:18

I'd think of logistics, the world is set up for families of 4.

I hear this a lot. I still have no idea what it's supposed to mean though.

GalindaArduenna · 11/04/2023 14:23

As someone who was the oldest child in a scenario like this... it was awful. Sibling was born with severe additional needs and will need lifelong care, which will soon fall to myself and DSis to do/ organise as our parents are approaching their 70s.

Our family took a big hit financially, house was a state as we couldn't afford essential repairs, we went from a two-wage family to one wage for years until my sibling was at a specialist school.

Sorry OP but I think you need to factor this in to your considerations - your DC may want a sibling but they have no idea what effect this will have on the time/ attention/ money available to them, it's your job to think of these things on their behalf.

Pilgit · 11/04/2023 14:26

Go with your gut. We had an accident baby last year and have a 13 and 9 year age gap between our older 2 and our baby. It's been incredible. The older 2 adore him and take care of him. There doesn't seem to be any jealousy or resentment - we've worked hard to ensure they still get the same attention and consideration (baby went to a prize giving at 10 days old and ballet concerts at 3 weeks!). He went to skateboarding lessons and out on treat days for their birthdays.

Having him has enriched all our lives

Tootsweets84 · 11/04/2023 14:27

I disagree about the age gap. I have 4 and they are 1, 6, 7 and 15 so big gaps and small and so far it works really well. If anything the two with the small gap bicker the most. I also found it easier starting again after a big gap than with a toddler. I didn't plan it this way, it's just how our lives panned out, but I wouldn't change a thing. If you really have your heart set on a 3rd baby then you really shouldn't care what outsiders think.

Peanutbutter7 · 11/04/2023 14:28

I can’t comment on your financial situation but I don’t understand people saying the age gap is too big. I was 10 when my sibling was born, having a baby in the house was an amazing experience for me.
now many years down the line we’re best friends as is my other sibling who is close in age to me.

Meandfour · 11/04/2023 14:30

I have absolutely nothing against more than 2 children; I have 4 of my own and love it.

However; with your situation I’d say don’t do it. The gaps are too big for them to have a proper sibling relationship and you’d be starting all over again 8 years later.

Bunnyhair · 11/04/2023 14:32

GalindaArduenna · 11/04/2023 14:23

As someone who was the oldest child in a scenario like this... it was awful. Sibling was born with severe additional needs and will need lifelong care, which will soon fall to myself and DSis to do/ organise as our parents are approaching their 70s.

Our family took a big hit financially, house was a state as we couldn't afford essential repairs, we went from a two-wage family to one wage for years until my sibling was at a specialist school.

Sorry OP but I think you need to factor this in to your considerations - your DC may want a sibling but they have no idea what effect this will have on the time/ attention/ money available to them, it's your job to think of these things on their behalf.

Yes yes. This absolutely needs thinking about.

Woodandsky · 11/04/2023 14:32

I think it's quite common to miss the baby stage when your kids are getting older, but no matter how many you have at some point you will have to accept that you can't have any more.

I was persuaded out of having another one by my husband when the youngest was 5ish and I'm really glad now; my 2 Ds's are adults now and I don't regret there not being any more. I now have a grandchild as well and I'm glad I don't have younger children do deal with as well as helping with my grandchild.

Ponderingwindow · 11/04/2023 14:34

Have you thought through the budget for the next 20 or so years? Are you going to be able to support 3 children at the level you would like? Will adding a 3rd change your ability to help them access education? How will an additional child impact saving for your retirement? It’s not just about can you afford the next few years.

Endlesssummer2022 · 11/04/2023 14:38

I don’t think the age gap is the issue. I don’t think you’re in a financially stable enough position to do it and what will the impact be if the third child has SEN?

An acquaintance went for third and the baby has a life limiting condition and she’s had to give up work to care for him.

CheersForThatEh · 11/04/2023 14:38

Go for it. Take the maternity, qualify in your degree and then get a job to start in in that field and work up the ladder. You have another 30 years left to work, plenty of time for your degree to be meaningful.

You'll be eligible for some childcare costs.

Just do it if it's what you and DH want.

AskMeMore · 11/04/2023 14:39

I would go for it. It is true holidays and activities are harder. But having kids is hard anyway.

CandleInTheStorm · 11/04/2023 14:39

Woodandsky · 11/04/2023 14:32

I think it's quite common to miss the baby stage when your kids are getting older, but no matter how many you have at some point you will have to accept that you can't have any more.

I was persuaded out of having another one by my husband when the youngest was 5ish and I'm really glad now; my 2 Ds's are adults now and I don't regret there not being any more. I now have a grandchild as well and I'm glad I don't have younger children do deal with as well as helping with my grandchild.

I remember years ago some of the staff at my local children's centre were talking about this. They said it's a big transition for a parent when a child starts school, especially their youngest, and some don't always cope well with the natural feelings of that transition (loss of baby/toddler years etc) which is why instead of naturally processing those feelings (which usually go away eventually after processing) they keep having more babies to avoid it. Obviously it has to end at some point. I just found that interesting...

AskMeMore · 11/04/2023 14:40

And I would not leave it. The older your other children get, the harder adding another baby to the mix becomes.

Curseofthenation · 11/04/2023 14:42

I wouldn't. I would focus on my career and buying a house in your shoes.

toomuchlaundry · 11/04/2023 14:47

Are you adding to your savings pot, or was that a windfall?

Will you be able to continue your studies with a baby?

IHateLegDay · 11/04/2023 14:47

My DD goes to nursery twice a week and we pay nearly £500 a month.
Childcare is sickeningly expensive so unless you have free childcare/are planning to stay at home, I wouldn't.