Is one more child really such a terrible idea?

[JustOneMore3]

Our children are 9 and 7. DH and I have always wanted 3 children but have waited as the time hasn’t seemed right. I’m now mid 30’s and it’s now or never for us. We are not home owners, but have £30k in the bank. I’m a part time student and also working part time, hoping to boost my income once I finish my degree in 2025. I’m entitled to full pay for 6 months for maternity pay with my current employer so a decent deal there.

Deep down I do really want to try for another baby but anyone I’ve mentioned it to seems to think it’s a bad idea, either due to the age gap and days out being tricky, or taking attention away from our other children.

So…

YABU - one more kid is a silly idea
YANBU - it’s fine, have one more

Just go for it. I don’t understand why the age gap is too big? I’ve known plenty of people have similar age gaps.

The Government proposals for childcare don't come into force for at least another year and it is likely we will have a different Government, so I wouldn't be factoring any decision on those proposals

You may need a bigger car as not many take three car seats, family hotel rooms sleep 4, family tickets are for 2 adults and 2 children. Kids eat free with one paying adult. Ferry cabins sleep 4. You have two hands to hold onto children when out and about. It's rare a school friend can help with the school run as who has three extra seats in the car. None of these should stop you having the number of children yoy want but it's worth thinking about before making the leap.

This is very true!

As you are renting you are going to have to rent a 4 bed and private rent is extortionate!

If you are in social housing then you probably only have a 2 bed and it can take years to upsize.

I agree with a PP who said finish your degree first and then see how you feel.

I would also try and get onto the property ladder and buy a 4 bed soon and then decide whether to have another child.

I’ve never understood why people have 3 kids.
1 always gets left out too.

I think have 2 or if you want more have 4 or more.

3 is a really random number but it’s such a common thing.

I wonder if people think that 3 kids is what you’re meant to have and that’s the ideal number.

I don’t think the gap is the reason to stop you. Some kids suffer with a big gap and some thrive, it just depends on the circumstances, the children etc. I have 3 and a 10year gap between the 1st and 3rd - not planned - and as a PP said they have an amazing relationship. It’s so sweet to watch. The two close in age also play and bicker and do stuff together, it’s equally nice.

I think once you’ve done the pros and cons - just so you are aware of the hardships of having a third not that they should stop you- if your gut feeling is still to go for it then do it.

You will regret it if you really wanted a third and missed this chance. But if when you’re putting down your points you are still hesitant then maybe it’s not for you.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

Hmmmm it’s tricky because there are advantages and disadvantages with the age gap. On one hand your other two will be at school, are old enough to understand and not be jealous of the new baby and both should be relatively independent and able to look after themselves to some degree. All this will make it much easier to look after a baby/toddler than having three little ones at the same time. On the other hand you will have two much older than your new baby, days out will be harder with a baby/toddler and all that entails. New baby will pretty much be an only child in terms of play because of the age gap so you will probably find yourself having to play a lot more with this child then your older two who may have had each other to play with.

I do know quite a few couples who have decided to have a third when their other two are either 5 and 7 or 6 and 8 and all my comments above are based on what they’ve told me.

I think it is really important to get a house if you possibly can. We had children later as I was determined that we'd have our own place when they were born. I would concentrate on giving your two that security and attention while trying to get a house. I have to say having children in your thirties gets tiring when you are dealing with teenagers when you are your forties. You may need a bigger house if you want separate bedrooms. Holidays are likely more expensive and one of you will be stuck in with the baby/toddler when your older children want to go out to do things unsuitable for babies. You may need a larger vehicle for three children if you drive. You may be able to hand down some clothes but by the time the third child gets to wear it, it may be too worn, the wrong season or just very outdated. You will have to get all the equipment out if you've still got it - the cot, the highchair, the pram. Then they get to be teenagers and want phones and laptops and so on. They also eat a lot as teenagers - easily as much as an adult. We are helping our two through university so they don't have huge student loan debt which is costing a lot - medical school is very expensive. Pray for straight teeth so you don't have to pay for three sets of braces.

Wrong. Plenty of family hotel rooms sleep more than 4. Plenty of attractions sell family of 5 tickets and some even do family of 6 tickets.
I doubt she needs a 9yo to hold her hand while she’s walking. Her 9yo may also not need a car seat.

I've got three with 9 years between each one.
Not ideal but hey these things happen but the downside is they are all at different stages in life so really have nothing in common.
But only you can decide not us.

I have a friend in the same position. Her DD is 12 and her second child is 1.5. Her life would have looked so different now if she hadn't had the second child and she is really missing being able to be spontaneous, being able to go out on her own, being able to travel alone with her 12 year old. She no longer joins our group of friends when we go out to dinner as she can't cope with waking up 2-4 times each night and she has said she misses it terribly. Her 12 year old was initially excited about a baby brother, but she has recented him since he arrived as it turned out he was a much noisier and generally a more difficult baby than they had anticipated. They had such a calm and happy home, which has completely changed for all of them. I am not sure how they will be able to cope with the DDs teenage years this way.

I have 3 children: 10, 8 and 10 months. I’m a similar age to you too. The most recent addition wasn’t planned but was most welcome. My life really isn’t as terrible as the PP are suggesting. My pregnancy was harder this time around, as was my childbirth. We lost our much coveted spare room. Despite these things, and despite 4 being the magic number where meal deals, hotels and family tickets are concerned, I am very happy.

And there are thousands of posts about people who regret having even one baby.

Here's something I like to say: you owe more to your existing children than you ever could to the idea of another one.

I think to say wrong is unfair. I have three children and these are things I experience daily. I didn't say no rooms ever sleep 5 just these are things to consider. I'd love to know where the plenty of rooms and attractions are please as we've not found them yet?

Exactly the same situation more difficult baby , lack of sleep. Of course she loves the DC but she has said she regrets it because it's back to square one but none of the novelty. I think once you get to the stage of DC becoming more independent and you are happy with that. It must be terribly difficult to go back to the nappies then all the school runs. I was on the fence but after my friend's experience it's definitely not for me I'd resent having to start all over again.

Yes. Your children are now at the 'nice age' where you can enjoy them and do things as a family.

Totally agree with this, we have an eight year age gap between our first and third and it’s been lovely. Their relationship is just wonderful and it hasn’t stopped us doing anything at all.

Of course. I had a family of 5 until recently when baby number 4 arrived so have lots of experience buying for 5.
We go abroad at least 3 times a year and we’ve recently had family rooms to sleep all 5 in;
Cala D’or, Majorca
Rhodes
Mexico
Fuerteventura
Crete
Lanzarote
Menorca

Most caravan parks in the UK have 3 bedroom caravans for 4 single beds + a double bed so you can sleep 6.

Attractions that can sleep 5 -

Legoland Windsor - their rooms sleep 5 children; a bunk bed and trundle in one room and a double bed in the main room.

Alton Towers hotel & CBeebies land hotel - variety of rooms sleeping upto 7.

Splash Landings hotel sleeps 6 in their beachcomber rooms

Chessington - wanyama view room sleeps 5. Haven’t tried other rooms with them as we’ve only stayed over once.

I would if I were you. My biggest regret is not having another baby when I had the chance. Now I don't have the chance and the age gap would be too big anyways for me to start all over again.

It's not the age gap I would worry about in your case, but the lack of financial stability. You're mid 30's. Don't own a house. You still have another 2 years before you finish your degree which may or may not increase your salary. Even then, you will probably be 40 before your income has increased.
With two children, I'm guessing you'll need at least a 3 bed house. With 3 kids, you'll need more. Honestly £30,000 is peanuts when it comes to raising children. Use the money towards a deposit for a house instead.

This is really helpful, which tour operators do you use for abroad, so far we have stuck to self catering a hotel sounds blissful?

This. Go for it.

We tend to use Jet2.
If you want I can send you a PM with some of the hotels we have stayed in. I too worried about finding hotels for us but honestly there are so many places now that sleep 5 and even 6. The list I gave of the UK attractions are just ones we’ve stayed at but I’m sure there will be more. It tends to be premier inns etc that limit to 4 IME but family attractions do usually accommodate most family sizes.

It's important to consider the impact on your family if the child has additional needs or isn't born healthy, or if life gets more complicated; divorce, health concerns etc. It's all well and good saying "go with your heart" but part of being a parent is using your head too and considering your existing children. I put my hands up to not thinking it through to that extent when I had my 2 in my 20s, but I'm older and wiser now and have my older 2 to consider, so I did think a 3rd through very differently to how I thought 1&2 though.

I don't get this. You think children under the age of, what 6 or 7, are not at a nice age, you can't enjoy them or do things as a family? How very odd. Is there an upper age limit where they are not nice again and you can't do family things?