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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is one more child really such a terrible idea?

141 replies

JustOneMore3 · 11/04/2023 12:20

Our children are 9 and 7. DH and I have always wanted 3 children but have waited as the time hasn’t seemed right. I’m now mid 30’s and it’s now or never for us. We are not home owners, but have £30k in the bank. I’m a part time student and also working part time, hoping to boost my income once I finish my degree in 2025. I’m entitled to full pay for 6 months for maternity pay with my current employer so a decent deal there.

Deep down I do really want to try for another baby but anyone I’ve mentioned it to seems to think it’s a bad idea, either due to the age gap and days out being tricky, or taking attention away from our other children.

So…

YABU - one more kid is a silly idea
YANBU - it’s fine, have one more

OP posts:
DorotheaHomeAlone · 11/04/2023 12:47

I have 3 but wouldn’t have another in your shoes. I think your existing children will benefit much more from you working in your financial security than they would from another sibling. And that age gap would make it hard to meet everyone’s needs.

Lordofmyflies · 11/04/2023 12:50

Being the 'Best Mum' to your children doesn't always mean giving them what they want at this moment in time. Teenage years are HARD, my Dc need me now more now emotionally and for ferrying around than ever before. I would not be able to help financially or spend time with my teenage Dc the way I do with a baby in tow. I wouldn't!

Climbingthelaundrymountain · 11/04/2023 12:51

I absolutely would.

Ohhmydays · 11/04/2023 12:53

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 12:32

Does it matter if MN thinks two is enough, or that the gap is too big? No. If youn both want one and can afford it, do it.
It isn't anyone elses business.

Exactly this. I have 3 now. Had my 2nd when my 1st was nearly 15yrs and going back to it was a lot more easier than everyone said it would be. If you can afford to do it, and dh is 100% as well i would or you will always wonder if

Felixss · 11/04/2023 12:54

My friends just had a baby almost 10 year age gap and she does regret it. She says it's nothing like the first time when it seemed new and interesting it's drudgery especially looking after a moody pre teen as well. She's had PND because of it she feels the loss of independence. It's put me off because I know I'd be exactly the same no more DC for me.

FfeminyddCymraeg · 11/04/2023 12:55

No, I wouldn’t.

I think most DC have begged for a sibling at some point, you don’t just give them one thought! They’ll soon be in secondary school and you’ll be restarting reception and primary. On that basis alone I just couldn’t face starting again.

We originally wanted 3DC but stopped at 2. With the current cost of living, a third would be stretching us to breaking point and from a practical perspective, cars, holidays, trips away are just easier with 2DC, in my experience.

And what if it’s twins?! (This just happened to a friend of mine - she went from 2 to 4 DC 😬🙈)

Mumma · 11/04/2023 12:58

If go for it. Another little one to love and bring joy 🥰🥰

Fifthtimelucky · 11/04/2023 12:58

Farmgirl12 · 11/04/2023 12:29

someone once told me that you’ll never regret having another baby, but would regret not having another.

I’d go with your heart x

Most people will not regret having had an additional child because by then they have one. It's impossible for them to separate a theoretical third child from the actual third child that they have. Regret would be tantamount to wishing that child had never been born.

We discussed having a third and decided against it for a number of reasons, including our ages and finances. I would have loved a third (and fourth) and had we had them I'm sure we'd have been glad that we did. As it is, I have absolutely no regrets that we didn't.

ShowUs · 11/04/2023 13:05

For me personally I wouldn’t.

I’ve always thought 3 kids is a weird number to have anyway.

It sounds as though your life is starting to improve because you’re doing training and planning to buy a home etc and I would be looking forward to having a nice life without going right back to the beginning.

I’m early 30s and my DD is becoming much more independent now and I am able to have hobbies, go to the gym and meet up with friends much more easily.
I couldn’t imagine having to go through it all again.

When you are mid 40s your other children will have left secondary school whilst your 3rd would still be in primary.

I wouldn’t judge you for choosing to but I just think what’s the point.
I think you are just panicking because you know you’ll soon struggle to conceive as you get older.

If you wanted a 3rd child you would have had one already.

Original poster
JustOneMore3 · 11/04/2023 13:09

If you wanted a 3rd child you would have had one already.

Finances wouldn’t allow. Up until a couple of years ago, we were in a small amount of debt. A change in circumstances means we have the £30k savings now. This is the first time it’s felt doable.

OP posts:
Jeannieofthelamp · 11/04/2023 13:17

@JustOneMore3 I know it's easier said than done but I would try to take the effect it will have on your existing children out of the equation, because you just can't know how it will go - they might adore a younger sibling and be very close or they might not be very bothered or they might not get on at all. As a parent you just have to manage whichever situation the universe gives you! You and your DH have to want to do it for yourselves, if you do then go for it.

cloudonego · 11/04/2023 13:19

I think you've missed the boat and the gap is too big now personally, I'm also a firm believer in thinking about existing children and believe in a lot of circumstances the existing children will benefit more from the parental time and finances shared between the 2 of them than they would benefit from an additional sibling. As my children get older the more I believe in this, don't underestimate how much your kids will continue to need you as they get to pre teen/teen years.

PollyAmour · 11/04/2023 13:20

I would have another baby. No contest. I would hate to look back in 10 years and think 'if only...'

Switchwitch · 11/04/2023 13:21

I wouldnt purely because the family activities you can do are severely limited with a pram in tow. Your existing DC are at such a good age they can do everything and want to do it with you. I'd treasure that until they turn into grumpy teenagers. Go swimming, rock climbing, roller skating etc with them without having to watch from afar with a screaming baby.

Lcb123 · 11/04/2023 13:23

I wouldn’t, in your situation. It will really change the lifestyle you have with your existing children in terms of days out, holidays etc. I imagine they’d find it quite disruptive. I’m one of 3, and I would NEVER have more than 2 myself

Abraxan · 11/04/2023 13:25

I don't think the age gap is as big an issue as others tbh. I'm 9.5 years older than my sister, and my brothers only a year younger than me. Whilst we didn't play together as children, etc we did have a good loving relationship and have a great relationship now as adults.

However the financial side of having another child does need considering, as well as practicalities - would you need a new car, would your current children's life's be negatively affected, etc.

JustDudeIt · 11/04/2023 13:25

I don’t think you’d be mad to have another. Plenty of people do and if you decide to go for it, you’ll make it work In sure!

Having said that, I personally wouldn’t. You’ve got junior school kids, you’re working on your career, saving for a deposit. I wouldn’t want to rock that path to more freedom and more security with another child. Im risk averse, though, and also a bit selfish! Grin. Once my kids were that age there was no way I was going back to sleepless nights and nappies and paying for childcare again.

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/04/2023 13:26

Farmgirl12 · 11/04/2023 12:29

someone once told me that you’ll never regret having another baby, but would regret not having another.

I’d go with your heart x

I think this is nonsense. Obviously it’s your decision and only you know what you want but my perspective is that so many people get blinded by “broodiness” which is largely socially constructed and brought about by a combination of peer envy and lack of direction in their lives and many end up bitterly regretting it. I would understand if you didn’t have any children but I really struggle to understand why people with multiple kids convince themselves that having more will give them something the existing ones didn’t.

Another child will set back your economic freedom by a decade and limit you massively. Enjoy the children you already have.

ShowUs · 11/04/2023 13:27

JustOneMore3 · 11/04/2023 13:09

If you wanted a 3rd child you would have had one already.

Finances wouldn’t allow. Up until a couple of years ago, we were in a small amount of debt. A change in circumstances means we have the £30k savings now. This is the first time it’s felt doable.

I would use that £30k to have a holiday with your existing kids and put down a deposit to buy your own home.

What are the reasons you want 3 kids instead of 2?

What will having 3 bring you that just 2 wouldn’t?

Wetnwindy · 11/04/2023 13:27

We had our third when my two were 6 and 4 …have never regretted having our son and they are all adults now . Have a great relationship and son is definitely the wise member of the family. Si I personally think that you should go with your heart .

Kennykenkencat · 11/04/2023 13:29

My biggest regret is that I didn’t start sooner and have more children.
Even when financially it looked like it wouldn’t have on paper been feasible.

As it happened the sensible approach led me down a path which has caused untold problems.

Listening to other people stopped me doing what I intuitively knew was the right thing to do

Listen to what your gut is saying and ignore the noise

TeenLifeMum · 11/04/2023 13:32

Finish your degree then reassess. I have 3dc but close in age. I think 2 is much easier but 3 is fun however your age gap will be like having an only dc. Only you know what’s right though.

Creativityisold · 11/04/2023 13:33

Questions are: can you justify damage to the environment from extra child? You get no extra money from the government for a third child if you or DH can't work could you cope,? Would you be better putting 30k into a house deposit given you could get thrown out of rented property and there is a shortage? Could you cope if the new baby had disabilities?

I think there are pros and cons to all gaps. Some of the no third people aren't child centric which you are. I know families with a similar gap which seems to have worked fine

Hankunamatata · 11/04/2023 13:33

Its personal preference. For me the age gap would be too big and no way would I want a toddler while studying and working.

marrymeadam · 11/04/2023 13:36

I had a 3rd when mine were 8 and 5 so a similar gap. the 2nd and 3rd get on well, they are all older now and no regrets

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