Is one more child really such a terrible idea?

[JustOneMore3]

Our children are 9 and 7. DH and I have always wanted 3 children but have waited as the time hasn’t seemed right. I’m now mid 30’s and it’s now or never for us. We are not home owners, but have £30k in the bank. I’m a part time student and also working part time, hoping to boost my income once I finish my degree in 2025. I’m entitled to full pay for 6 months for maternity pay with my current employer so a decent deal there.

Deep down I do really want to try for another baby but anyone I’ve mentioned it to seems to think it’s a bad idea, either due to the age gap and days out being tricky, or taking attention away from our other children.

So…

YABU - one more kid is a silly idea
YANBU - it’s fine, have one more

DH and I have boys aged 10 years, 8 years and 11 weeks. I absolutely love it and so do the big boys. Admittedly DS3 is an easy baby but it feels so straightforward compared to the complete shock of number one and the difficulties of managing a toddler and baby with number two. Their needs are very different and I think that makes it easier in someways to do both - DS3’s needs are mostly physical - food, sleep, nappy changes and cuddles - whereas DS1&2 don’t have physical needs, more verbal/emotional in terms of support advice and guidance, so doing both at once feels very possible. Maybe it will be different when I’m back at work or as they all get older, but at the moment I absolutely would recommend it. Definitely no number 4 for me though.

I wouldn’t but I understand your desire.

my biggest concern would be housing. What gender are your exisiting children? if they are a boy and a girl then you are realistically going to need a 4 bed house. the two older ones wont be able to share once in teens and neither will want to share with a small child. Will you be able to afford to rent or buy a suitable house?
We bought quite late and my then 14 and 11 year old sons shared a room previously. There were not a lot of options for 4 bed in our price range within commuting distance of thier school. We did end up getting lucky but we would have had a much better selection to choose from if only needed a 3 bed eg hundres of 3 beds in our budget as opposed to about 5 x 4 beds!

I'm one of three and had three - so I don't think three is an odd number and 4 bed houses are at least common enough they are possible to find if you do want separate rooms as they get older.

However the age gap here would be too much for me - but then I chose them close together for ours. I think it would be harder than usual gap but I know people who managed it.

You also not that far off teenage years - which we did start to find more expensive. You may have issue with cars and hotel rooms with three- they aren't universal or beyond getting around.

MN is odd about children numbers - 2 is seen as some kind of ideal whereas it often seem to have worse sibling rivalry in our families - DH is a very happy successfully only and MN is odd about those as well. Ultimately though it's down to you and your DH.

I have 3 (12, 6, 4). Our third was an accident. What I would say is that while my youngest two generally get on quite well and have similar interests, it is very hard to come up with activities/days out/holidays that please all three kids. A 12 year old has very different interests and needs compared to a 4 year old, and for this reason we often divide and rule with one of us doing something with the younger two and the other doing something with the eldest.

I don't regret it at all, but in practical terms it can be quite tricky. Even just going to the cinema is a minefield!

I wouldn't. You don't even own your own home. Your existing kids don't have security.

You don't know what security they have. It's not like only homeowners are allowed to have children

Can you also afford it if you divorce or your partner dies? I always feel that this is a bit overlooked but it happens plenty.

How do you feel about overpopulation and climate change? I'm ok with you having more children, just don't have children and then lecture us not to have more kids because it impacts on the future of yours.

Other than that, do what you wish.

To me it is a no-brainer, you really want another baby, your other children want a sibling so clearly don't feel they are lacking in attention.
I personally could never regret a child I have, I adore them so much, the joy I get from them and the strong bond that forms in babyhood far exceeds any additional work/drudgery.
I love the baby and toddler years and don't see it as something I need to get 'out the way'.

Imagine in 5 years time, your eldest two want to be with friends more and are becoming independent and you suddenly realise it's too late for you to have another baby, now that is something I would regret.

Look at the thread I started called 'to think parents with 4+ kids must be run ragged' theres some lovely posts from parents of larger families there.

I wouldn't do it.
In 10 years your older kids will be off to university and you'll still be doing primary school nativities and sports days.

My children both beg me for another sibling not sure any teenager really relishes a toddler round their feet and in their stuff.
To me not having your own home is a huge risk to add a third. Another lot of childcare to pay for, your other two children will soon need help starting secondary, navigating important exams, I would no way bring a newborn/ toddler/ preschooler to that.

What are you hoping that a third child will bring to your lives that you don't already have?

Similar age gap for me and my sibs - Me the oldest, then my sister, then my brother. Me and sis are in a whole different generation it almost feels like. The age gap really isn't ideal.

Doing stuff with three is so much harder than with two.

Personally, in your shoes I wouldn't. I do have three kids of my own - but I had my third less than three years after my twins, and I had an overwhelming biological urge to do so. I literally could not stop thinking about babies.

I think if you're fairly ambivalent about it, then don't. Why upset the apple cart?

Mine are 17 and 14 and I'm waiting for the independent stage when they'll be with mates and supposedly I'll be bored. Yes they want to be with friends but teens are still very very needy in a multitude of other ways. As well as being a therapist, chef, educational advisor and UCAS expert, I'm also a taxi driver on call almost 24-7.

Something I recognise now that I’m firmly post-fertile is that broodiness is a kind of insidious madness. It’s obsessive and irrational. You become possessed. It’s all you can think about. If you put your broodiness in the driving seat of your life you have about as much control over your future stability as an addict.

You will wake up from this trance, migrainous and full of perimenopausal rage, and wonder why you have indentured yourself to all these children, and the revolting ogre you somehow married (as he will appear to you once when oestrogen has left the building), and now you can never retire because you’ve sold your future happiness in exchange for 9 years of nursery fees.

Resist. The future you will thank you for it.

With an age gap like that, at least you won't have three tinies competing for the use of your two knees to sit on, two arms to hold them and two hands to feed them.

But there will be a serious conflict of childrens ages, interests, diet, energy etc when it comes to family outings and entertainment. As baby enters the terrible twos, your 12 yr olds hormones will be revving up for the teenage years. One of them wants to go to soft play then early bed, the other wants to be taxi-ed to a football match /have their pals to a sleepover.

Also have three and had 3rd at 36 but completely agree with this.

I’d say YANBU, I feel similar. DC are 10 and 7 but I always wanted three. For the same reasons as you (age gap, starting school again, my age, money, etc) I’m considering never having another. But genuinely feel like I’m meant to have one more.

The positives are that older children can entertain themselves more while you care for a baby, if I’d had a 3rd while DC7 was little I couldn’t have coped. Plus no baby is easy but as parents we are a bit wiser and well versed into how to get through the toddler phase now.

Also my eldest Dsis is 8 years older than me and we weren’t close as kids but are very close as adults so it all turns out the same in the end.

You sound like a really sensible and good mum to be thinking it through, so I think if anyone else can do it, so can you, good luck! X

Didn't you ask exactly the same thing on here a few weeks ago? I remember the majority of people were saying it was a really big age gap and you would be better finishing your degree and getting a good job and hopefully on to the property ladder.

If you weren't happy with the responses last time you are obviously desperate for another child so the opinions of strangers on the internet shouldn't even matter.

It's only something you can decide, OP. You're still young, and plenty of time ahead of you. My younger bro and I have a 7 year age gap, and now we're best buds. If the reason is age gap, or age, then I'd say go with your gut ultimately.

Studies seem like a drain of time and headspace, so would be affected. So being pragmatic about what will have to be deprioritised is key.

Good luck on whatever you decide.

Go for it. The age means you can juggle a toddler between you and keep up with the older ones, plus you can drop them at sports and activities without having to get baby out of the car. So much easier than a 4 year old you have to get everyone out of the car and go in with them! My 7yo has said he has the best seat in the car because it’s next to his baby sister 😍

I found myself longing for another baby when I was 36, DC were 10 and 8. I'm 47 now and really relieved I didn't have one, having older DC means I've been able to progress my career and do so much more for myself. I can't imagine having an 11 year old now and having to deal with the teenage years again while perimenopausal.

I have 3 kids. Eldest is 11, middle one 6 and youngest 3. The gap between the oldest and youngest (even middle one) is to big on my opinion. They have nothing in common with my oldest. The younger 2 get on fine but the oldest is at a very different stage. It's very tying having a much younger child and we often tag team so DH takes them younger ones to things while I take the eldest or vice versa . A bang may end up feeling quite left out if your older kids are close.

We always knew we wanted 3 but kept making excuses ( needed a bigger house/car) was it the right thing to do for the boys. Eventually we had DS when ds's were 8 and 12. We kept the boy's routine the same and did just fitted in. Dd was at her first football tournament weekend away at 11 days old after a c section. It was hard work juggling everything but it was the best decision we ever made. Dd is 12 now and DS are 21 and 25 and they all have a great relationship. DS 25 and dd idolise each other. I would definitely say go for it. My philosophy was to try and if it happened it was meant to be. Good luck

😂. I think there's some truth/good sense in this.

Though personally OP, I'd go for it if you think you can afford it. As someone with a 5 year age gap not due to choice (unexplained secondary infertility, took us almost 3 years to conceive DC2), I'm coming to the conclusion that small age gaps are overrated and large age gaps underrated. The best argument in favour of smaller age gaps imo is getting the whole blardy baby/toddler stage out the way as quickly as possible, but if you actually enjoy this stage and are willing to interweave it into your existing family life, it will be tough, yes, but not necessarily unenjoyable.