Is one more child really such a terrible idea?

[JustOneMore3]

Our children are 9 and 7. DH and I have always wanted 3 children but have waited as the time hasn’t seemed right. I’m now mid 30’s and it’s now or never for us. We are not home owners, but have £30k in the bank. I’m a part time student and also working part time, hoping to boost my income once I finish my degree in 2025. I’m entitled to full pay for 6 months for maternity pay with my current employer so a decent deal there.

Deep down I do really want to try for another baby but anyone I’ve mentioned it to seems to think it’s a bad idea, either due to the age gap and days out being tricky, or taking attention away from our other children.

So…

YABU - one more kid is a silly idea
YANBU - it’s fine, have one more

Most people have 2 kids so they're always going to vote for stopping at 2. I have 4 so I say go for it!

Love the business and bustle of having a big family.

Sure, if you enjoy planning your days around naps, nappies, tantrums, not being able to walk far, being too young to do things, early bedtimes, not being able to chat or play fun games.

What a sad outlook. And if your 5 year old is in nappies and having tantrums and naps, you have bigger problems.

If you think you can't chat or play or have fun with children under the age of 6, definitely don't have more (or any really). Luckily very few parents have such a terrible attitude to their children. How sad for yours you dislike them so much.

I wouldn't. You have an insecure income at this stage and don't own. And regardless of that, it will be hard to.juggle both ends of the age spectrum. We have 5.5 years between our #2 and #3 and while it was easy when #3 was a baby, it is more challenging now he is nearly 6.

Yes please to the PM. Thanks

As someone who has kids who are much older now (late teen/early 20s) I agree that they do become much more fun as they age. I enjoyed the years when they were small too, but I had no idea just how much nicer it is when they are older. I wouldn't have wanted two tweens/teens and one toddler for example as that would have taken away and limited so much of the fun years with my older kids.

If you think you can't chat or play or have fun with children under the age of 6, definitely don't have more (or any really). Luckily very few parents have such a terrible attitude to their children. How sad for yours you dislike them so much.

Nearly all my friends feel this way, as do my own parents, always remember mum saying she'd have another if they were born at 5! Wind your neck in, it's not an unusual opinion at all.

It might be common amongst certain people. Still pretty sad though. I've got from 4 to adult, and I would never talk about any of them in such a disparaging and rude way.

@IamKlaus and I'm sure your medal will be waiting for you at the pearly gates, us lesser mothers can only look on in awe....

Little cuntlets is a no no then when they're playing up and you're wits end... 🫣😆

Best comment ever.

It's really hard to say. I wouldn't be without my third, but the age gap between each was o ly two years, and even then she gets really upset about activities she can't do yet. It has also really limited our career decisions because childcare is impossible - we don't even struggle to pay for it, we just struggle to find anyone willing to do just wraparound and school hols, which is the only affordable way of doing it with three. You have the advantage of soon having latchkey kids with the older ones if you want to.

I desperately wanted 3 but we are comfortable but not high earners. I therefore prioritised being able to give the two we have a good standard of living over having another child. I’m glad we did, I feel that we are able to give them our attention and have enough money to enhance W their life with clubs and extras where needed.

I have 3DC but personally for me the age gap between your youngest and a baby would be too big for me but I had 3 in 4 years (which comes with its own issues).

Honestly, I think having 3 kids is only an option for those who are comfortably well off (with assets/pension/contingency fund) or have a LOT of family support. We live in such a different world to previous generations where there's a lot less security around future earnings/pensions/job security. You don't even own a property yet or have an established career and are approaching 40 when everything does become a little less possible than when you're 30.

Have you ever thought about your future post kids, your retirement, what you want from life at 50/60/70 and what you need to get there? Women have never been taught to or encouraged to future plan, like men have. We get told to just give into hormones and broodiness like we aren't capable of rational thought. Atm you have a nice life with all the options/opportunities for a career, buying a home, having enough savings and enough time/energy for your existing kids.

You have no idea what having a third would be like. It could be a difficult pregnancy, once the hormones die down you could realise what a hard slog awaits you, the child could be born with additional needs, you could get divorced, the career may not take off the way you planned - all of which will make life a million times harder for you and not be the dream "third child makes my life complete" vision you have. And the benefits you get from having a third won't be any different to having two, other than a romantic notion and hormones and social conditioning making you believe you MUST have this child to be happy.

My DP is one of three. His parents got divorced when he was 11 and his mum struggled to cope financially - life went from being fairly comfortable to needlessly hard. My friend has just had a third, and unlike her first two, this child is very difficult and she's had to delay her return to work even more as a result. She's approaching 40 now and knows it will be difficult to ever return to the level she was at. She'll never admit it out loud, but looks harried and exhausted in a way she never did before. So you should be practical (because it's 2023 and you can) rather than purely emotive about a decision that affects not just you, but your DH and your other kids too.

Thanks everyone. The votes are definitely going in favour of stopping at 2.

One thing I want to make clear is, I would never have another because my children ask me to. I thought I made it clear that I would not let that influence my decision, but some posters seemed to suggest I would.

It is useful for me to hear all the arguments against having another. Having a baby with disabilities is an outcome I hadn’t given much thought to, but really it’s important to consider all eventualities. I will have a chat with my husband and make a decision from there. Thanks again.