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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask whether a child with few clothes is neglected?

244 replies

mosepray · 10/04/2023 20:17

I’ve really been trying to cut down on the numbers of clothes we buy for a few years now and this has left my children (under 10) with 3-4 outfits each per season— obviously way more underwear. I’ve sewn them up smocks/overdresses/pinnies to wear if they’re playing. The expectation is that everything is worn twice and we do a wash once a week.

I remember my grandmother telling me about the flannel dress she wore every day but Sunday when she was 7/8 and it made me think that maybe we don’t need that many clothes.

My friend recently came round and we got onto the topic. She thinks that it’s neglectful to have so few clothes, because I can afford more so why not get more and leave the kids miserable. AIBU to think that’s silly?

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 10/04/2023 21:22

There are a few things you’ve said that make it sound very much like an ideology. The fact that you used to like clothes but need to be limited, the whole smock situation. Why not just get what they need without going overboard? How long does it take you to rustle up smocks when you could just buy a few more outfits and let them play and get dirty etc. There is no way my children would get away with wearing every item twice. One of mine managed to fully grass stain a pair of leggings doing cartwheels yesterday, spilt her dinner and needed to swap a top etc. Are they actually playing freely if they have to wear a smock?

PrinnyPree · 10/04/2023 21:23

My 3 year old can go through 3 outfits in a day with puddle jumping, food stains, accidents and the general filth he gets himself into so it wouldn't be enough for me. However as long as your child has enough clean clothes that are weather appropriate its absolutley fine (especially if they aren't bothered about clothes).

Half of the clothes for mine are hand me downs/second hand though as he tears through clothes (especially the knees in his trousers) at a rate of knots. Maybe you could hit some charity shops/childrens markets to pad out your kids wardrobes if you feel the need? (which wouldn't be wasteful either)

Hankunamatata · 10/04/2023 21:24

I do have to laugh about the joyless aspect. My younger boys couldn't care less which trackies or t shirts they wear. They grab whatever first comes to hand.

gerbilcrocus · 10/04/2023 21:24

mosepray · 10/04/2023 20:26

@DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 I agree! Everything is clean, always.

I wouldn’t let them go out dirty and everything fits them well, to everyone who’s asking. I just don’t feel we need quite so many clothes as we’ve been told.

That "always" is going to difficult to maintain if they have 3-4 outfits and you do a wash once a week. It relies on nothing going "wrong", which of course is completely unrealistic!

Saschka · 10/04/2023 21:25

If they are in school, I can’t see the issue - DS probably has 6-7 T-shirts and 4-5 pairs of trousers, but it feels like he barely wears any of them at the minute because he is in school uniform 5 days out of 7. I accept I just have to run more washes in half term/school holidays.

I’d probably buy more clothes for summer though, when they are off school for longer. You can re-wear shorts, but I’d want a clean tshirt each morning - DS’s T-shirts were filthy at the end of each day, with suncream, dust and sweat (no I have no idea where the dust was coming from, but he was grimy).

BelleMarionette · 10/04/2023 21:26

What do you do when you go on holiday and don't have a washing machine?

I fully support not engaging with consumerism, and try to do the same myself. I buy the majority of clothes second hand, other than underwear. This reduces environmental impact too, as well as cost. I get great bundles though, so for eg £10 will get a big bag of good quality clothes. So my kids have a reasonable amount of clothes.

My children enjoy picking their own outfits though, so only having 3 seems not enough. Also mine rarely keep their clothes clean!

Could you get more clothes for less second hand? Allowing more choice.

All clothes are passed on following use too here.

lv884 · 10/04/2023 21:29

I think it’s good to be more conscious of the environment and save some money, especially when kids grow so fast. I had so many baby clothes and there was so much waste it was just awful. So I agree with the being disciplined and shopping at the start of each season and not setting foot in a clothes shop again until the next season - unless you obviously need something.

My concern would be how the kids feel and how other kids perceive it. They can be cruel from quite young and pick up on things we wouldn’t expect them too. What about if they perhaps had 7 outfits, one for each day of the week at least?

Saschka · 10/04/2023 21:31

Ceilin · 10/04/2023 21:05

mine wear the same thing for parties and parks - yes. we don't go to restaurants.

this comment has made me realise that 'nice restaurant people' quite possibly overlap with 'multiple outfits for children people'.

there are people who care about buying lots of clothes and people who don't. I don't think the two groups are going to agree on an answer.

Show quote history

We take DS to “nice” restaurants (the Delaunay, the Wolseley, Bluebird etc) and yep, he wears his normal tshirt and joggers. Because he is 6. It would be ridiculous to put him in a suit or something. Maybe it is different with daughters.

Flamesbegin · 10/04/2023 21:36

Taking my 9 year old Son shopping for clothes is one of our favourite things to do for some one on one time. Watching him make his own style decisions that reflect his personality is my favourite thing about watching him grow up. He doesn't have masses of clothes and we donate things and buy second hand when its appropriate. Your eldest should have more choice and autonomy over her clothing choices in my opinion.

FlounderingFruitcake · 10/04/2023 21:37

Saschka · 10/04/2023 21:31

We take DS to “nice” restaurants (the Delaunay, the Wolseley, Bluebird etc) and yep, he wears his normal tshirt and joggers. Because he is 6. It would be ridiculous to put him in a suit or something. Maybe it is different with daughters.

Show quote history

We went to Bluebird this week and 6YO DD wore joggers and a sweatshirt and had wet hair because she’d just been to swimming lessons round the corner. She’s been there in her ballet uniform too and various other weird get ups. Granted she has far more clothes than OP would necessary but that’s because I hate laundry and her smock lives on her peg at school so sometimes she gets mucky.

ShowUs · 10/04/2023 21:37

I hope not as my DD has hardly any clothes!

But she is autistic and will only wear specific clothes and by the time I have found her another item to wear she has grown out of her others, so she never has many.

lookluv · 10/04/2023 21:39

OP - good on you, Boys much easier than girls though.
We have school uniform
Sports kit
2 trackpants ( sports done every day of the week)
3 hoodies/sweathsirts
8 t shirts /polo shirts
2 pairs of jeans
1 waterproof
1 fleece

ages 15 and 12 - growth has been an issue for past 2 years

OrlandointheWilderness · 10/04/2023 21:42

If they are clean, washed, warm, fed and loved than no, I wouldn't say it is neglectful at all.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 10/04/2023 21:42

mosepray · 10/04/2023 20:24

@Oysterbabe admittedly I have more but haven’t bought clothes in years! I wear them until they wear through and wear the same thing almost every day (obviously dependant on weather)

@AnneWhittle they don’t seem too bothered. The eldest (9) I think might soon want to branch out a bit and get a few more clothes in styles of her choosing, which I’m fine with. I’m willing to change what/how many I buy the moment they voice they’d like that, but so far they just haven’t seemed concerned.

Your second paragraph is the important one and the one that makes your thinking fine, it’s hardly neglect

DustyLee123 · 10/04/2023 21:47

I have 4 outfits worn in rotation, so I don’t see a problem. When my kids were small they didn’t have a lot of clothes as I washed a lot, so they didn’t need it.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 10/04/2023 21:47

I think it's fine because by making smocks, pinnies and overdresses, you've basically made a load more clothes! I'd have bought more second-hand clothes to make this bit easier...

ThinWomansBrain · 10/04/2023 21:49

sounds eminently sensible

Royalbloo · 10/04/2023 21:54

PrinnyPree · 10/04/2023 21:23

My 3 year old can go through 3 outfits in a day with puddle jumping, food stains, accidents and the general filth he gets himself into so it wouldn't be enough for me. However as long as your child has enough clean clothes that are weather appropriate its absolutley fine (especially if they aren't bothered about clothes).

Half of the clothes for mine are hand me downs/second hand though as he tears through clothes (especially the knees in his trousers) at a rate of knots. Maybe you could hit some charity shops/childrens markets to pad out your kids wardrobes if you feel the need? (which wouldn't be wasteful either)

A six yr old is VERY different to 3yr old, they're generally less messy and are in school uniform 5 days out of 7

Wenfy · 10/04/2023 21:58

In the days before central heating when only boys played outside ‘all day’ and ate flavourless food (onions, garlic etc are fairly new) you could probably get away with it. Not in modern day. We sweat more and that sweat smells more.

EarlGreywithLemon · 10/04/2023 21:59

A bit of a different perspective: I was that child who didn’t have many clothes for a number of reasons, one of which being that my father believed children didn’t need that much (or that many things generally). I absolutely hated it. I definitely stood out and longed to be one of the children who always looked nice. It certainly felt neglectful to me. When I was older, and I found out that it was mostly ideology driven and not because my parents couldn’t afford it (although cash was a tight at times) I was absolutely furious with them - and I still am. I felt they put their lofty principles ahead of my well being.
As a result, it’s so important to me that my children are well dressed - nothing overboard, but a reasonable range of nice, good quality clothing and shoes that they like wearing. I do not want them to be the kids who got the pitying looks I did as a child.

Lachimolala · 10/04/2023 21:59

My youngest went through 3 t-shirts today alone 😂 my daughter also loves to change up her outfits. I wouldn’t say they have excessive amounts though, just cheap and cheerful stuff.

If I could get away with much less I definitely would! I’m not disciplined enough with washing what we do have though. It would be a disaster, I don’t think it’s at all neglectful though. Perhaps a bit dull but some kids don’t care about clothes etc.

Andanotherone01 · 10/04/2023 22:01

Talk of ‘pinnys’ and ‘overdressses’ sounds like Christmas at the workhouse but crack on

aSofaNearYou · 10/04/2023 22:03

Not neglectful, but a bit stingy I'd say. Not the end of the world, but I think there's a middle ground between this and tons of clothes - which might allow for a bit of self expression.

YunaBalloon · 10/04/2023 22:04

EarlGreywithLemon · 10/04/2023 21:59

A bit of a different perspective: I was that child who didn’t have many clothes for a number of reasons, one of which being that my father believed children didn’t need that much (or that many things generally). I absolutely hated it. I definitely stood out and longed to be one of the children who always looked nice. It certainly felt neglectful to me. When I was older, and I found out that it was mostly ideology driven and not because my parents couldn’t afford it (although cash was a tight at times) I was absolutely furious with them - and I still am. I felt they put their lofty principles ahead of my well being.
As a result, it’s so important to me that my children are well dressed - nothing overboard, but a reasonable range of nice, good quality clothing and shoes that they like wearing. I do not want them to be the kids who got the pitying looks I did as a child.

Did you voice your issue to your parents at the time?

I agree that if the child is unhappy then a compromise can be reached. For example my kids choose the fabric pattern of their clothes and whether they want a hood/ collar/ twirly skirt or shorts etc. They also have very distinct different clothes, so you couldn't mistake them wearing the same red t shirt week in week out for example.

Briallen · 10/04/2023 22:05

It’s fine if they’re happy. My 10 year old would happily wear the same joggers every day if I let him. He doesn’t seem to appreciate that I need to wash them 🙈 daughter lives in comfy leggings and tops. They wear a fraction of their wardrobes really.