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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's rude not to wait for guests..?

402 replies

easterbunnyz · 10/04/2023 17:59

My parents invited us for Easter lunch. They didn't really give an exact time said around 5-6. Admittedly we got there just after 6.. they had already started, and almost finished eating.
They do this all the time? I can't imagine inviting them and if they were late just start eating without them.
AIBU to think it's rude not to wait? Or is that me expecting too much?

OP posts:
Koalasparkles · 11/04/2023 21:27

Oof there are a lot of judgemental people in these comments.

So, sounds like a bit of both. Your parents gave vague timings for "lunch" and I get it is incredibly disappointing that not only did they not care to wait for you, but they didn't even call to see how far away you were. Personally I agree with you - if you care about someone then you would at least call them to see if they were going to be long and possibly wait for them if it wasn't going to be too long, even if it was a bit annoying for you. To not wait is definitely a choice and not just a passive "happening".

BUT! On the other hand, you were on the late side and shouldn't have been surprised that dinner was already ready by the time you arrived, therefore don't have a right to pull them up about their behaviour. You probably should have called ahead, but I guess the vague timings made you relaxed about it? I totally get why you're hurt, but I'm not sure you have a right to be too annoyed at them. I guess you were more searching for some understanding and care from your parents?

What I'm more surprised about is how many people said that they would arrive at 4.30 (early!!) having been told to arrive "around 5-6". Omg I'd be quietly seething at guests turning up when I still had to do my hair or finish food prep etc 😅

Macinae · 11/04/2023 21:37

Sounds like you all need to firm up your timings in future. If food was about 5/6 I'd have turned up at 4.30. I'd feel a bit cheeky turning up just in time for the food.

BestBeforeddmmyy · 11/04/2023 21:48

De-ends how far apart you live. I lived about 200 miles away from my parents, so just after the time planned for arrival seems more than reasonable.
it is probably not OK if you live nearby and if there were no extenuating circumstances.

Justbefair · 11/04/2023 22:24

Always polite to get there at earliest time you can really, especially if someone has prepared food ready ro be served.

mandlerparr · 11/04/2023 22:26

I think the hosts were rude only because they were all almost finishing the meal. I don't know about others, but it takes a good 10-20 minutes to have everyone get their plates full of food and then another 20-30 minutes to eat, because everyone is talking and drinking and helping littles cut their food and stuff. That means that the host started serving food at 5:15 or earlier. That is rude. Also, when a host gives a time frame, that is supposed to mean that you can come as early as 5pm if you want, but dinner won't start until closer to 6pm. So, rude again by serving dinner earlier than they said they would.
But, definitely do call as you are leaving work the next time. Also, when they tell you the time, tell them that you are working until 5pm and will be coming more towards the end of that time frame. Just so they can't claim anything else later on.

GGee123 · 11/04/2023 22:34

If I'm given a time of 5-6 I would assume you would be sitting down to eat a good 30 minutes to an hour after that, so would absolutely not expect them to have eaten by just past 6!
Yes you should have let them know your ETA, but equally its not acceptable to start without you in my view.

BillyDeanisnotmylover · 11/04/2023 22:55

OP, in my book you were only 10 mins late and therefore your hosts were very rude.
I literally have no idea how so many posters are saying you should have arrived before 5.
5-6 means anytime between 5 and 6. It also implies that timing is not particularly important ie, we’ll start preparing/eating when you get here.

Songbird54321 · 12/04/2023 00:09

We had the opposite problem, said dinner would be at 5pm and it wasn’t ready til after 6pm. I was quietly fuming but just sucked it up, ate it and thanked them for the lovely meal because I was raised in a very British way.
I don’t think you’re unreasonable for thinking it’s rude but if they do it all the time I’d just bear it in mind and get there for the earlier time they give. But then I do love a free meal I’ve not had to cook

Hawkins003 · 12/04/2023 00:11

easterbunnyz · 10/04/2023 19:43

It's "Sunday lunch" but we have that at tea time. So as the evening meal.

I wish I hadn't started this thread 🤦🏼‍♀️ but thank you all for your replies!

I can understand your perspectives, but as it was after 6, then dinner would be going cold

GaelicSky · 12/04/2023 00:11

I don’t understand this thread. Lunch is at midday or 1 pm surely. If you arrived after 6, you really were very very late. So late, it was almost time for dinner… but not quite.

timesaretight · 12/04/2023 01:28

"They do this all the time?", a bit of a giveaway there. Sounds like you are late quite often, maybe they decided, at sometime, that enough is enough. You are lucky to get an invite.

T1Dmama · 12/04/2023 02:03

I don’t fully understand why people have to serve food the second you walk in the door. Surely you arrive between 5-6 and eat 6.30

IsolatedWilderness · 12/04/2023 02:43

I've been in this position once. Couldn't get hold of the guests and we'd made something that wouldn't keep forever. So, after at least an hour late and no word, we were in doubt whether they had remembered. So we started eating. Ten minutes later they pulled up and seemed embarrassed we'd started eating.

Ten minutes late isn't the end of the world but communicating with the host, so they know what to expect, would be the right thing to do. Next time just be clear with them so they can delay things a little on their end. Having it open ended is the hard part.

Mothership4two · 12/04/2023 05:33

easterbunnyz · 10/04/2023 17:59

My parents invited us for Easter lunch. They didn't really give an exact time said around 5-6. Admittedly we got there just after 6.. they had already started, and almost finished eating.
They do this all the time? I can't imagine inviting them and if they were late just start eating without them.
AIBU to think it's rude not to wait? Or is that me expecting too much?

They obviously meant that the meal was going to be between 5-6 and either miscommunicated that or the OP misheard/misunderstood. It does sound like the OP is often late.

However I would never start before everyone had arrived and have kept things warm for late guests before. Sounds like they were making a point

VeganStar · 12/04/2023 07:06

RememberingGoodTimes · 10/04/2023 18:03

Only a grumpy git would do that. I find it controlling and hostile.

Any normal person would give you a call to see how long you'll be.

YANBU.

Exactly.

HouseByTheSeaside · 12/04/2023 07:09

Yes it's rude. Yanbu.

HouseByTheSeaside · 12/04/2023 07:14

Any normal parents would have texted to say "what's your eta?"

Then op would have texted to say "sorry stuck in traffic, we'll be there in 10 mins"

Then the parents would say "lovely see you then!"

Why are some of you so petty & mean. I'd hate to have dinner at yours!

HouseByTheSeaside · 12/04/2023 07:16

Howlongwillthistake · 10/04/2023 18:25

If someone told me food was between 5-6, I would turn up at 4.30ish and offer to help and or chatter for a bit.
I think its odd to walk in someone's house and immediately sit down and eat. Surely you're there to see them too?
I wouldn't have started to eat before you arrived, but would have checked with you if you were after 5.20 ish, so I could delay the cooking to suit your arrival if it was crucial to the meal timings.

Ffs You don't turn up at 4:30 if someone says between 5&6 !! 🤣🙈

Mothership4two · 12/04/2023 07:27

I hate it when guests are early @HouseByTheSeaside and think that is ruder than being late. Would be more relaxed for family though!

Thepossibility · 12/04/2023 07:33

My SIL is always late when we have meals at PIL. She has two kids and lives around the bloody corner.
We are always sitting there hungry, waiting. We have three (younger) kids and live 45 min away. Always on time!
If you had to work you should have made it a different time.

Tiddler39 · 12/04/2023 07:47

If someone invited me for ‘lunch’ at 5-6pm I’d think they were very odd.

That’s called ‘dinner’.

(And yes, they were very rude but you should have specified a time.)

Abraxan · 12/04/2023 08:03

Did you call them to say you were running late? If not, why not?

How much after 6 did you arrive?

Chances are they had cooked food to be ready for 6, and didn't want it to spoil.

Yes, they could have called but they were probably a bit fed up that you were late. Are you often running late?

GoodChat · 12/04/2023 08:03

HouseByTheSeaside · 12/04/2023 07:14

Any normal parents would have texted to say "what's your eta?"

Then op would have texted to say "sorry stuck in traffic, we'll be there in 10 mins"

Then the parents would say "lovely see you then!"

Why are some of you so petty & mean. I'd hate to have dinner at yours!

Any normal guest would text and say "sorry I got held up at work and will arrive at X"

Bad communication all round.

Abraxan · 12/04/2023 08:08

easterbunnyz · 10/04/2023 18:28

Sorry I should've said.. I was at work, I was unable to message until I finished mt shift

Did you call after finishing work?

Abraxan · 12/04/2023 08:10

easterbunnyz · 10/04/2023 18:42

My shift is meant to finish at 5 but it was busier than I anticipated for Easter Sunday so it was later.

If you knew you didn't finish til 5 surely you had already told your family that, and that it would be much closer to 6 if not a bit later.