To think it's rude not to wait for guests..?

[easterbunnyz]

My parents invited us for Easter lunch. They didn't really give an exact time said around 5-6. Admittedly we got there just after 6.. they had already started, and almost finished eating.
They do this all the time? I can't imagine inviting them and if they were late just start eating without them.
AIBU to think it's rude not to wait? Or is that me expecting too much?

It's your parents, you're not guests you're their children 🙄 If I'm late ita not biggie, if my parents got hungry it's no biggie .... because, family, you know 🙃

If it was likely to be nearer 6 when you got there then I would have told them it would be around 6 before you'd arrive. Starting without you is rude if they knew you were working until at least 5. I'd not go there for meals in future. Most people don't serve dinner the moment guests arrive anyway. Guests arrive you have a drink and veg etc are then put on gravy finished off etc

Yes. It's saying 'look, you were late and this is what you get when you're late'. The opposite would be to be relaxed, which is to accept guests might be at the later end of the agreed window of time, and just serve up once they've arrived.

By that I mean if they got hungry so they ate. Why so formal with family. But I also agree with PP if it was 5-6, assumption is you're there by 6.

You see this shows how we’re all different. It someone said arrive around 5-6 to me I wouldn’t arrive bang on the dot of 5, it would be nearer 6 and I’d have no problem not eating until 8 as I wouldn’t expect to be served dinner the minute I walked through the door.

@33goingon64 what about aggressive lateness? Not bothering to message or call to say you're running late?

But the eating lunch at 11.30 before you arrived is really rude.

If they do it all the time as you said, are you regularly late?
I would wait if somebody was late, especially if they had called to let me know, but if they were late all the time I wouldn't wait.

That’s extremely rude of them, and as you say it’s not a one off, really doesn’t paint them in great light.

I'm with you, I'm often surprised by MN posts picking over hosting/guest etiquette at some non-wedding-non-funeral event where it turns out all the hosts and guests are related!

I don't understand why some people think it's OK to be ruder to your family than non family. Family members who don't live with you are guests. Family may muck in more with meal preparation and clearing up but if preparing a meal for relatives for the hosts to start eating without them is rude and odd. If you treat your relatives poorly then they won't want to visit. Not phoning/ texting to say you'd be arriving after 6 is also rude. Treat family members like other people and be polite to them but also don't put up with nonsense and rudeness from them because they are family. How much genetic material you share is irrelevant to treating people well.

I thought that at first. Then I re-read and saw that Op says "they do this all the time" and started to wonder. Do Op and co tend to turn up late for meals? If they do you can imagine the thread reversed "They're so rude! Next time start eating without them!!".
I agree that you don't treat your relatives poorly, but I think it's 6 of one half dozen of the other on here. Op treated her relatives poorly by arriving after the time agreed and not bothering to ring or text to warn them.

You were definitely rude. We once had an arrangement with a couple to meet at 6pm (or whatever it was). 90 mins later they still hadn’t arrived so we just ordered our food, having already had a drink each.

They finally turned up 45 minutes later when we’d finished eating. Tbh, it kind of ruined the evening and we left not long afterwards. It’s upsetting when you feel like you’re right at the bottom of someone else’s agenda and get fobbed off with crap excuses 🤷‍♀️

Is part of the problem the inlaws suggesting a time the OP struggles to make? If I didn't finish work until 5 and someone said a dinner invite was 5-6 I'd tell them I couldn't make that and could only arrive around 6. If that was too late then everyone eats in their own house and we just go round for a chat and cup of tea after dinner.

It's her parents

I'd never arrive expecting to sit and eat immediately, I think that's rude. So if dinner was between 5 and 6, I'd arrive for 5 and eat when it was ready.

Which works fine if that is all you are doing that day, but not if you have other stuff going on.

I asked if my dd wanted to come for a meal on Saturday. She let me know she was coaching some youngsters in her sport in the morning, and that she was on a late shift for work from mid-afternoon, so, on this occasion there was a window when she could come round, have a shower, eat, and go.

Commonly, my other dd will come round for tea between work and something she goes to one of the evenings during the week.

If you have nothing else to do all day, then a leisurely hour before the meal is fine, but, with family, it is nice to see my adult dc, and I am more than happy for them to come round for an hour and eat fairly much as they get there. It also helps them with a day they are short on time.
I think seeing if family want to eat with you, is different from inviting someone formally for a dinner party.

This thread probably highlights what these threads always highlight: everyone's normal is different. Also, that we tend to invite people for dinner who are going to be on the same page in terms of social behaviour.

If we invite friends for dinner at 7.30, no one in my circle is going to turn up early (thank God), and they're very unlikely to be ringing the bell at 7.30 on the dot. They'll do the civilised thing and arrive at around 7.40 - 7.45 ish.

Likewise, they know I won't be hovering with filled plates to bang on the table at precisely 7.30. They'll be drinks, chat and a canapé or two. That way, if someone is running late, it's not a crisis. I'd never prepare food that needs split second timing with guests, because that would be too stressful.

No one needs telling these 'rules' - it's the unspoken way of things in a group of people who do things this way.

Other people's normal is not this! Half the thread will be horrified at not arriving early and not 'being fed' until an hour after arriving. No one is wrong, it's just different, and we all think our way is the right way

I've yet to feel angry about someone arriving late to eat. Life is so bloody busy and if someone's late, there's usually a reason for it, and it just doesn't wind me up much. Most people are decent and not trying to take the piss, ime.

I would have had the hump but I would never had started without u. We would have invited u for dinner ffs!!!

If I invite my family for a meal, I'd invite them for (say) twelvish, but we wouldn't eat for another couple of hours. Part of people coming round is to sit and have a chat, maybe a few crisps (and, in my case, we all take the dog for a walk before food too). So any invite I would issue would be '5/6 (but food won't be served until 7, to give time for a chat and a drink first'.

It would be the height of rudeness for people to turn up and sit straight down at the table with knife and fork in hand waiting for food - I invite people for company and a gossip, not to chow-and-go.

Sounds like a lot of posters are imagining “we’re having dinner around 5-6” (in which case arrive before 5 and 6.15 is really late) vs “get here around 5-6” (which means you can arrive anytime in the hour and 6.15 is a bit but not grossly late)

They are probably fed up of your always being late.
As they are your parents, it's okay for them to start.

If they do this 'All the time' that means you're late all the time, or they wouldn't have the opportunity to.
Perhaps they're trying to tell you something, like maybe it takes you longer to travel to their place than you think it does, and you need to leave more time?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If some one said to me come between 5 and 6pm. That arriving at 6pm is fine (maybe they need to be more specific). But if yiu literally arrived just after 6pm due to running late at work, then I would not have expected them to have nearly finished eating, they must has started way before 6pm. That's very confusing, especially if they knew yiu were working and can run late at times. Think they were rude changing the goal posts. Would have been better to say arrive between 5 to 6 and we will eat at 6.30. When we go to friends we don't eat the minute we arrive. YANBU.

If someone invites for lunch you don’t just turn up for when your meal is out on the table you go earlier to socialise, catch up, not eat and then leave. I think they were proving a point more than anything. Plus how late were you?