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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do these fathers actually want children?

358 replies

Daftasyoulike · 10/04/2023 17:01

I see a lot of posts on MN about absent Fathers who don't pay maintenance, don't make any effort to see their children, etc. Is it unreasonable to ask whether these men ever actually wanted kids in the first place, or was it a case of accidental pregnancies, which were allowed to continue in the hope that 'he will come around to the idea once the baby arrives', and then when the relationship breaks up, you find that he never really cared about having the kids in the first place, so doesn't feel he should contribute emotionally or financially to the raising of his children?

OP posts:
hoven · 10/04/2023 21:01

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Mylittlesandwich · 10/04/2023 21:02

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You know a lot of kids in care aren't "given a forever home" they just age out and have nobody?

hoven · 10/04/2023 21:07

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Somanycats · 10/04/2023 21:10

Tinybrother · 10/04/2023 19:55

many men don’t want to hear this, but here goes

It’s hugely beneficial to men for people to believe this kind of post. It sets a baseline of zero expectations of men.

this narrative is an important one for men because it means they can put in the bare minimum and be considered “great dads”.

Show quote history

I don't think many men care about being seen as great dad's. That is not something that other men judge each other on. I was talking about this with DH and adult DS and honestly they didn't know whether or not most of their longstanding colleagues even had children.

BibbleandSqwauk · 10/04/2023 21:10

I'm not sure how your last post remotely relates to your thread title. It may well be that "these fathers" didn't want kids but they did make them, so why not focus on the short comings of the system that allow them not to contribute appropriately?

girlfriend44 · 10/04/2023 21:11

Some men just want a shag, that's why they vanish when the pregnancy is announced.

They didn't want a baby they wanted the sex.

Original poster
Daftasyoulike · 10/04/2023 21:11

Hi everyone! I'm really sorry, it turns out I opened a hornets nest. It was never my intention to be on the men's side, I just wondered what, in the opinion of the women who have been through it, was the reason that these men fathered a child and then didn't want to take any responsibility for it. I'm SO sorry that it came over differently, TOTALLY on the women and children's side!

OP posts:
Somanycats · 10/04/2023 21:12

But more importantly... Hoven is bananas. Properly bananas.

TheVanguardSix · 10/04/2023 21:13

OP, debate is healthy! No worries.

Chatbotguy Hoven however needs to read the room then leave. 😳

hoven · 10/04/2023 21:15

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BibbleandSqwauk · 10/04/2023 21:18

@hoven no dear, you've "achieved" the status of an ignorant, smug, offensive, narrow minded person who is one mid life crisis shag away from being a single parent. Good luck.

ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 10/04/2023 21:22

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Oh yes, I forgot about the hordes of people queueing up to adopt teenagers.

Silly me.

Ffs. Thousands of children never find their "forever home"

As an aside a friend of mine, who adopted and gave a child their forever home ended up as a single mum, on benefits, when her husband decided he didn't want to be a father after all and fucked off. Maybe she should have put them back into the care system to find their next forever home.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/04/2023 21:23

My ex husband pressured and begged me to have a baby having never wanted children. He messed with contraception, practiced stealthing. I got pregnant. He walked out after two years leaving me in my mid 40's with an autistic toddler. He made our lives miserable for years. Abandonments followed by court applications citing alienation. It went on for a decade. I've had to fight for every penny of maintenance. He's disappeared now. Moved 700 miles away and cut contact. Again. I will never ever get my head round it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/04/2023 21:24

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 10/04/2023 17:16

My ex kept me pregnant as a form of control.

Then he fucked off and is parenting someone else's kids and never sees his own when the control stopped working.

There's often very complicated backgrounds to these things.

Yes that's how I see it. An extreme form of control.

piedbeauty · 10/04/2023 21:33

Mogul · 10/04/2023 17:09

I think there are a lot of 'accidents' and women that hope a man who has said he doesn't want kids will change his mind. It's not right they don't pay but I'm not sure it's right they don't quite get the choice the way women do

Bollocks. If a man doesn't want a baby, he either doesn't have sex, has a vasectomy, or wears a condom.

He should take equal responsibility for contraception.

piedbeauty · 10/04/2023 21:34

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 10/04/2023 17:16

My ex kept me pregnant as a form of control.

Then he fucked off and is parenting someone else's kids and never sees his own when the control stopped working.

There's often very complicated backgrounds to these things.

Couldn't you take birth control pills?

MangoPi · 10/04/2023 21:37

piedbeauty · 10/04/2023 21:34

Couldn't you take birth control pills?

Show quote history

So many reasons someone in an abusive relationship might not have birth control.

  • fear of being found and the repercussions
  • fear of what would happen if they were unsuccesful and didn't fall pregnant
  • Managing to get access to birth control

I really could go on

reddragon7 · 10/04/2023 21:41

If men don’t want to be fathers, they shouldn’t have sex in the first place. It’s massively unfair.

ConcordeOoter · 10/04/2023 21:42

devildeepbluesea · 10/04/2023 17:43

What a stupid thing to say. Any man who doesn’t want kids can wear a condom and/or get a vasectomy. But many don’t because they’re the sort of person who’s quite happy to fuck off, leaving the women they fucked quite literally holding the baby. And people like OP who make excuses for them validate their life choices.

Oh when, I wonder, do we get the misogynistic reverse of this "principle" you espouse. Presumably after everyone has agreed that if you don't want kids you can just not conceive them. 🤔

piedbeauty · 10/04/2023 21:42

Thanks, @MangoPi , I wondered about that after I posted.

I just wondered if the poster has ever reported her h or sought help before things got to that stage.

Mogul · 10/04/2023 21:48

piedbeauty · 10/04/2023 21:42

Thanks, @MangoPi , I wondered about that after I posted.

I just wondered if the poster has ever reported her h or sought help before things got to that stage.

But this is true you can just not conceive them. Even if you accidentally do you don't have to stay pregnant

MangoPi · 10/04/2023 21:48

piedbeauty · 10/04/2023 21:42

Thanks, @MangoPi , I wondered about that after I posted.

I just wondered if the poster has ever reported her h or sought help before things got to that stage.

The relationship I was in prior to my current one, he used to try and pressure me into having another child all the time. Used to make empty threats, saying he would leave, how depressed he was that I wouldn't have another. There were a few times I nearly caved just on this alone but I was able to tell myself he could move on and have children with someone else if it was something he desperately wanted. It wasn't - he just didn't like that as the children were getting older I was starting to get some of my life back. It was absolutely an attempt to restrict my life.

It must be very hard if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is even worse than that.

MangoPi · 10/04/2023 21:51

Mogul · 10/04/2023 21:48

But this is true you can just not conceive them. Even if you accidentally do you don't have to stay pregnant

Show quote history

Imagine you're in a relationship with an abuser - you are scared of them. Say you have no money. No support network. Nowhere to go. Plus the fear of physical/sexual violence. Maybe there are other children you're also worried about. Would you risk it? If you were downtrodden and beaten - would you defy them and go behind their back, seek out birth control? Take the consequences if said birth control was discovered? Or a pregnancy didn't happen and he blamed you?

Easy to say this stuff when you're not in that situation. I haven't experienced it on this level but I am not so narrow minded that I cannot imagine why some might find themselves trapped like this

Mogul · 10/04/2023 21:53

@MangoPi agreed but I would like to think that is the minority

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 10/04/2023 21:54

piedbeauty · 10/04/2023 21:34

Couldn't you take birth control pills?

Show quote history

No I couldn't. I went straight out of an abusive childhood into an abusive marriage to a much older man, he controlled everything I did, I didn't even realise it at the time, as so often happens in abusive relationships.

I had 5 dc in pretty quick sucession, then when I got the courage to leave he used the kids to further abuse me. It's not an unusual story unfortunately.