Do these fathers actually want children?

[Daftasyoulike]

I see a lot of posts on MN about absent Fathers who don't pay maintenance, don't make any effort to see their children, etc. Is it unreasonable to ask whether these men ever actually wanted kids in the first place, or was it a case of accidental pregnancies, which were allowed to continue in the hope that 'he will come around to the idea once the baby arrives', and then when the relationship breaks up, you find that he never really cared about having the kids in the first place, so doesn't feel he should contribute emotionally or financially to the raising of his children?

I totally agree @yyyypppp financial security and having my career is what enabled me to live a good life as a single parent.

I wish we could change the expectation of men to take responsibility through changing the law and culture but that isn't a quick fix. My advice to my daughter will be to ensure she is financially independent to look after herself and any children she may have.

Its always the woman's fault isn't it op?. Those poor men who never lie, cheat, abuse....

I was married for many years before the domestic violence started whilst pregnant...entirely my fault I didn't use my crystal ball

It was him who pushed for children and who fucked off when he couldn't hack a child with additional needs. Silly me expecting anything else.

Have we been invaded by MRAs again?

I'm not saying it's a good decision, just that I can see the reasoning. Is it so terrible that a woman who has married and had one child in good faith, is a little disillusioned but assumes maybe it's just normal that he's a bit "hands off", he has the big job, she's home more, other women at the toddler groups all have the same gripes so it's the normal next step. Let's not pretend that it's easy to up and leave, give up your dream, disappoint your wider family, face an uncertain future and be that most terrible of all things, a single mum, when actually the alternative isn't abusive, isn't awful, just wearing and unfair. Maybe in that circumstance it makes sense in your head to have your second or third, make them your world, you three a little team with the dad in the background. You'll rumble along. Until he cheats and leaves, or does become abusive, or whatever. This is a hypothetical made up "generalisation" of some people's situation. We seem to expect women to be absolute paragons of good sense, strength, moral certitude, high standards but men can be feckless, fickle shites and guess what, women must be better to compensate.

Implying that this is the reason why most lone parents are in that situation is utterly shit behaviour. And not the case as you can see if you actually read the thread
Meh.
I'm not implying anything. We are all where we are, in part, due to decisions we make. Lone parents are not exempt from this. Plenty of women choose shit fathers for their children. Because they want children. Or for any number of other reasons. Many are in the situation they are in because of this. Why deny it. The men are shit. Their behaviour is shit. Their behaviour is no ones fault but their own. Not one person has implied that it's the womans fault a father acts that way.
Still, the women chose them anyway. Then, many (is that better?) lie to themselves and those around them that they had no idea. There were no signs. This, I understand.
I have actually read the thread btw. Still feel the same

Or, you could just shut up and stop being so insulting to people when you clearly have no idea what you're talking about
Oh, I have an idea of what I am talking about despite it not being the same as you. And it's hardly insulting 🤷‍♀️

Bollocks

Domestic violence often doesn't start until pregnancy even if you have been together many years.

Stop victim blaming.

Then, many (is that better?) lie to themselves and those around them that they had no idea. There were no signs. This, I understand. I have actually read the thread btw. Still feel the same

How you "feel" doesn't override the facts that people have described to you. How dare you imply that the accounts women have given here are untrue.

Or, you could just shut up and stop being so insulting to people when you clearly have no idea what you're talking about
Oh, I have an idea of what I am talking about despite it not being the same as you. And it's hardly insulting 🤷‍♀️

No, you clearly have no idea and think you can tell other women that you know more about their lives than they do. Of course it is insulting when you are blaming women for their husbands abandoning their families.

Thanks op, now I know it was my mums fault my dad could never be arsed with his 3 kids, 3 kids he had told his wife he wanted and planned for, but really, she was just tricking him.
Poor men, too stupid and easily manipulated to be trusted with a penis 🥺

Why are so certain that they're lying? Why is it so impossible for you to believe that their partner changed beyond recognition? Being unable to imagine that anyone's experience might be different to one's own is a real weakness. Surely the simple fact is that people become single mothers in many different circumstances and at many different stages. The one constant (in the context of this thread) is a child or children growing up with one of their two parents failing in their duty of care, yet we still, as a society want to put the responsibility for that on the present parent.

Where did I say that it was a decision worthy of respect? I said that I respected his decision. That is something completely different.

Relax @Dis626. You used the word respect and I said in the next post, a minute later, that maybe you meant acceptance. It wasn't clear. Respect isn't a word I'd use, that makes it sound like a perfectly valid choice and it's not.

I'm not out to get you, I think it's poor that he'd leave your child.

Again, if the truth is that men are, in huge numbers, being deceived into fatherhood by scheming, feckless women, why are they not clamouring for better male contraceptive options? Or maybe that's actually not such a common story?

Many men leave their families, not just their wives/partners, because they can. There's no real social stigma and no big financial penalty.

Lots of fathers just don't care about their children the way nearly all mothers do.

I know they are no guarantees but I honestly believe its better than just having a 2nd child unmarried. It's the committment side of things that I'm interested in.

@Singapore4

Why would I want to get married again, knowing that the guy could cost me a load of my assets in the case of a future divorce? Or claim a stake on my house, or battle my DC for my estate if I died first? My DC's only opportunity to inherit since, you know, the father fucked off. Commitment my arse. Committing your money right into the hands of an adult who could deprive your DC of it.

Why would I want to get married again, knowing that the guy could cost me a load of my assets in the case of a future divorce? Or claim a stake on my house, or battle my DC for my estate if I died first? My DC's only opportunity to inherit since, you know, the father fucked off. Commitment my arse. Committing your money right into the hands of an adult who could deprive your DC of it.

Absolutely. Marriage was the most disastrous financial decision I ever made. Never, ever again.

loads of men really really want to be fathers, they often don’t want to put in any of the hard work but they LOVE the idea of being a father as a status. It brings professional and social status. It’s a complete myth that women are all dragging men into this. And it suits men very well that this myth exists.

I would agree with this, along with a PP's comment that her partner pushed her into child-bearing and only then did he show his true colours: once she was trapped.

My ex was desperate to have children. IMO this was for two reasons:

1. He had an idealised fantasy life in his head of what having children would be like, to make up for his own fractured childhood (including some rather, ahem, traditional ideas about male and female roles); and

2. A child would anchor me to him for life, which dealt with his abandonment issues.

We did not have children, are no longer together and he has children with his new partner. Apparently the reality of life with kids was rather a shock for him. Quelle surprise

There are far more women than men who desperately want children. There are will therefore be women who will prioritise getting a baby over who the father is. I myself know four such women. I know that there are men who appear to be good and then reveal their true character, but I think they're in the minority. I think it's more common for women to overlook things because of the priority they assign to having a baby.

loads of men really really want to be fathers, they often don’t want to put in any of the hard work but they LOVE the idea of being a father as a status. It brings professional and social status. It’s a complete myth that women are all dragging men into this. And it suits men very well that this myth exists.

The mass of men are pretty ambivalent abut having kids, it's the women who really really want them.

Why the hell any woman even bother having kids with men, if most here know men don’t want them?
Easier to go alone from the start.
Or this news not out to the masses, only on MN?

please share where you got this information from. I will only accept peer reviewed, published in a decent journal, paper. What some 5 random blokes down the pub told you doesn’t count.

In my case, we were together from teenagers and had planned dc in our early 20s. We both seemingly wanted the same things in life, and both wanted the dc. Seems like the reality of dc was too much for him to step up to. We separated, he doesn't pay any maintenance or any responsibility to the dc. He doesn't even bother with them any more, and it's just sad tbh. I feel sorry for the dc that that's their dad.

@hoven

Im still waiting for an answer to the two polite questions I asked you upthread.

1. You said I could take my husband to court to get him to pay child support . How do I do that ?
2. You said to another poster that she could get financial help during the divorce ? How and where do I apply for this?

I see you have also suggested that I can get my husband to see his children more. This is a great idea that I had never thought of - how do I do that please ?

I hope you will answer soon as there are lots of other posters who would benefit from this information too.

Thanks .

Good username, suits you and your attitude.

Don't forget @ThatsN0tFunny that @hoven also says social services will look after our children for a weekend to give us a break if we like. I'd like to know how to organise that please. Oh and how I apply for my single parent tax discount because currently I'm being charged more than a couple with my earnings. But @hoven clearly knows lots that none of us do! @hoven is an expert.

I think hoven is gone. I noticed lots of deleted posts yesterday night.

It’s it great to have an expert like this here on MN. When I think of the hours and days I’ve wasted over the last year trying to get my kids father to pay child support and the thousands of pounds he owes them ! If only I had known I could take him to this ( free) court where it would all be sorted out . So I can’t wait to hear all the details from @hoven

Same with the financial support that’s available through divorce - why has no one told me about this before ?

Im so glad I clicked onto this thread, Im sure it’s going to be such an education .

do single parents pay more in income tax than couples?? that's shocking and why is this I never realised this. x