Page 6 | DH wants mum to go home

Mrshermit · 2023-04-10T09:28:33+00:00

Mum has come to stay for the week and to be quite honest I’m grateful for the help. As DH has spent the majority of the time napping and lying in bed. me and mum have been on some lovely walks as well the kids and it’s been so nice. Dh said it’s getting too much now and why can’t I drop her home a few days earlier? AIBU to tell him to tell him to piss off? Last week I was struggling with all the kids at home. Now I’ve got the help I needed I’d be silly to send my mum home.

allmyliesaretrue · 10/04/2023 16:04

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/04/2023 15:18

I do wonder what the answers would be like if it was OP complaining that her MIL was staying for a week, tbh.

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Depends whether she was making herself useful doesn’t it?

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/04/2023 16:05

Do you get as much "downtime" as your DH ?

Mama2six · 10/04/2023 16:19

Erm no send the lazy sod back to his mums, lays in bed all day whilst you parent and gets the hump when someone helps? Get him in the bin

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 10/04/2023 16:19

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/04/2023 16:00

But we don't know how OP's mum is behaving towards him or how her presence is impacting the family - she's only posted twice.

As I said, I'm not defending him, I just find it interesting how everyone leaps to the defence of women who are struggling with in-laws, but when it's a man struggling, he's just told to suck it up and get over it.

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In general the women seem to get the thin edge of the wedge when the inlaws come to stay, with the sons generally endorsing that behaviour by their willingness to ignore their wives/partners being undermined or attacked in their own homes. It could be that perspectives are skewed by the fact that men who cant be arsed to defend / set/ support boundaries for their familes ,when it comes to wives/partners, are not likely to be on MN complaining about their MILs. I doubt it though.

magma32 · 10/04/2023 16:22

Big difference between in laws staying who don’t offer help but create more work for the woman. These are the in laws women on here complain about. OP’s mum isn’t here to sit about and make more work for her ‘d’h, she’s there as free childcare to help op.

If her Dh wasn’t so useless she wouldn’t need her mum around. If her husband was doing his share then I can understand her mother getting under his feet but he’s being unreasonable here. She said last week he didn’t do anything so her mum is here and is helping loads. Why does this man want op running ragged on her own with no outside help? I don’t care what job he does this isn’t about him, it’s the OP needing help. He should either do more or appreciate others coming to help.

My parents have come over each time to help when my babies have been born, my Dh does plenty but still valued them coming over as he had less to do compared to if they hadn’t come. In laws on the other hand sit about want to be treated as guests, it’s all rooted in patriarchy/power trips/being territorial imo. Sod that.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/04/2023 16:22

Barbecuebeans · 10/04/2023 16:02

Oh you absolutely are defending him.

And you also haven't addressed Kettricken's absolutely valid point that in the MiL threads the OP has done all the prep work and done all the looking after during the stay.

Also, people say take a break, not spend all week in bed.

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I have no interest in defending him, but you're free to think what you want.

I didn't address that point because we barely know anything about this situation and how it came about that the mum came to stay. OP's posted twice and hasn't been back for hours.

Everyone's assuming he's a waste of space who is having lie-ins and loads of daytime naps, but OP hasn't said anything one way or the other.

Did they both agree to the mum staying for a week or was it presented as a done deal?
Is the DH working full-time with OP as a SAHM, or are they both working, or are neither of them working at the moment?
Why did OP want her mum to stay - is it because her DH is working long hours and can't physically help, or is he a lazy unemployed fucker who won't help? Everyone is assuming the latter but it could well be the former.

PollyThePixie · 10/04/2023 16:23

TheCentreSlide · 10/04/2023 10:50

Be very clear with him.

I am not sending mum home early. She is helping and contributing to family life and supporting me. You are just lazing around doing nothing. It’s lovely for me to have another adult here helping out. You should be doing more. Can you not see that? You lazy selfish bastard

Thats a great response.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 16:39

CurlewKate · 10/04/2023 15:52

If she was a friend not a parent would anybody be even suggesting that the dh might have a point? How would the conversation go-"I know I invited her for a week- but actually you need to go home now. 5 days is long enough."

😂But she's not a friend. She's the DC's grandmother, & she's doing more for his children than he is.

Twiglets1 · 10/04/2023 16:40

I would hate anyone to stay that long. Friends left this morning who arrived on Thursday evening and I was delighted to see them go tbh though we had done nice things together like walks & meals

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 16:46

As I said, I'm not defending him, I just find it interesting how everyone leaps to the defence of women who are struggling with in-laws, but when it's a man struggling, he's just told to suck it up and get over it.

& I find it interesting that you leap to the defence of this man by assuming he's struggling @coffeecupsandwaxmelts 😂

You're right that OP's only posted twice, but it was enough to convey the fact that 1) SHE was the one struggling - last week, while he did nothing & that 2) her mum is providing the help I need, while her H just isn't.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 16:48

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 16:39

😂But she's not a friend. She's the DC's grandmother, & she's doing more for his children than he is.

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@CurlewKate SORRY! Have just re-read your post & cottoned on that we're arguing the same point, not opposite ones

Please accept this excellent gin as reparation

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/04/2023 16:50

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 16:46

As I said, I'm not defending him, I just find it interesting how everyone leaps to the defence of women who are struggling with in-laws, but when it's a man struggling, he's just told to suck it up and get over it.

& I find it interesting that you leap to the defence of this man by assuming he's struggling @coffeecupsandwaxmelts 😂

You're right that OP's only posted twice, but it was enough to convey the fact that 1) SHE was the one struggling - last week, while he did nothing & that 2) her mum is providing the help I need, while her H just isn't.

But my point is that we don't know why he didn't help - yet everyone is assuming that it's because he's a lazy shit.

If he's at home all day and just choosing to not to contribute, then of course OP is entitled to be pissed off - but equally, he could be out at work all day, or working nights and be unable to help out much.

We also don't know if OP is working herself, on annual leave or a SAHM.

Until OP comes back to answer, how can everyone say with such certainty that he's a useless dad and husband? 🤷‍♀️

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 16:50

Everyone's assuming he's a waste of space who is having lie-ins and loads of daytime naps, but OP hasn't said anything one way or the other.

Nobody's assuming that @coffeecupsandwaxmelts
OP STATED it:

DH has spent the majority of the time napping and lying in bed.

Oldnproud · 10/04/2023 16:51

didntyou · 10/04/2023 15:05

It's his house too. If you want to spend time with your mum then go to her house.

Yeah, right - I can imagine the pigsty she would come back to at the end of her lovely week at her mum's, that the lazy f-er would be blind to and she would have to sort out herself!

I've got a better idea - tell him if he doesn't like it that he can eff of to his mums (or another suitable alternative) for the rest of the week

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/04/2023 16:52

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 16:50

Everyone's assuming he's a waste of space who is having lie-ins and loads of daytime naps, but OP hasn't said anything one way or the other.

Nobody's assuming that @coffeecupsandwaxmelts
OP STATED it:

DH has spent the majority of the time napping and lying in bed.

But that still doesn't answer any of my questions, lol.

Is he working all day then coming home and taking a nap?
Is he on nights and sleeping through the day because he has to?
Or is he just being a lazy shit who refuses to contribute?

Again, until OP comes back to clarify, nobody can say either way 🤷‍♀️

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 16:55

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/04/2023 16:50

But my point is that we don't know why he didn't help - yet everyone is assuming that it's because he's a lazy shit.

If he's at home all day and just choosing to not to contribute, then of course OP is entitled to be pissed off - but equally, he could be out at work all day, or working nights and be unable to help out much.

We also don't know if OP is working herself, on annual leave or a SAHM.

Until OP comes back to answer, how can everyone say with such certainty that he's a useless dad and husband? 🤷‍♀️

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I haven't said he's a useless dad & lazy husband, I've said he was a shirking fucker last week & he's spent most of this week hiding in bed.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts If he's at home all day and just choosing to not to contribute, then of course OP is entitled to be pissed off - but equally, he could be out at work all day, or working nights and be unable to help out much.

There's no need to speculate - OP has already clarified this. It's right there in her OP:
DH has spent the majority of the time napping and lying in bed.
Last week I was struggling with all the kids at home. Now I’ve got the help I needed

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/04/2023 17:01

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 16:55

I haven't said he's a useless dad & lazy husband, I've said he was a shirking fucker last week & he's spent most of this week hiding in bed.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts If he's at home all day and just choosing to not to contribute, then of course OP is entitled to be pissed off - but equally, he could be out at work all day, or working nights and be unable to help out much.

There's no need to speculate - OP has already clarified this. It's right there in her OP:
DH has spent the majority of the time napping and lying in bed.
Last week I was struggling with all the kids at home. Now I’ve got the help I needed

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Majority of what time, though?

I'm playing devil's advocate slightly, but it doesn't say actually anywhere that he's home all day, not working at all, and refusing to get out of bed.

I've read it as though OP is a SAHM (or on annual leave) and struggling with all the children off school while her DH works - so she's asked her mum to come and help but her DH is now pissed off and refusing to engage for some reason.

He could be on nights/shifts and sleeping on his days off.
He could be working 12 hour days and falling asleep when he gets home.
Or, as you say, he could be a lazy shirker who can't be arsed.

Until OP comes back to clarify, it's all a bunch of hypotheticals.

magma32 · 10/04/2023 17:03

I don’t think it’s relevant whether she’s a sahm or working full time, or how many hours the husband works. If he’s sleeping from night shift, why isn’t op entitled to help with the children? If he’s needing the rest then it’s decent of her to get help from outside than expect him to do it. If she feels she needs help, then no decent man would complain about the help she is receiving unless of course he was capable or willing to provide said help himself but seriously, what are the chances of that? Surely he would appreciate his wife having the support he cannot will not provide.

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 17:05

I'm going to make some assumptions and that's that your mum is staying till next weekend and that your husband is off for the BH weekend but will be back at work on Tuesday.
I think the mistake you've made is by including the weekend. I do hope there's not another one at the other end. If your mum's due to go home on Friday I think your husband should suck it up and learn for next time. I definitely think she needs to be gone by Friday.
I get your frustration at your husband staying in bed but to be honest I might feel the same. He's had 4 days off work (presumably) and not enjoyed them because someone else is in his space.
Now he's got another week of this.
I wonder why you included the BH weekend if your primary aim was for help with the children? Did he agree to your mum staying for a week or was he pressured. I feel everyone is being a bit unfair towards him. He doesn't want her there and you need to agree a compromise. She needs to go soon and in the meantime he will likely stay out of the way. Maybe he could take the kids out for an afternoon.
Youve the summer holidays coming up soon. You need to think about how you're going to be able to manage childcare. Holiday clubs or maybe have you mum over, but for 1 night only.

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 17:08

Goldbar · 10/04/2023 10:53

Didn't he have a chance to step up last week when the OP was struggling but chose not to?

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It's hard to know what their work schedule is. It's quite probable OH was at work during the day. I doubt he's got 2 weeks off for Easter (but could have)

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 17:10

Mrshermit · 10/04/2023 11:47

@Mummynew08 no they get on really well!

His issue is that he can’t relax on the evening because she stays up to 11 and that’s “his quiet time”

Which is very valid if it's more than a night.

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 10/04/2023 17:12

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 17:05

I'm going to make some assumptions and that's that your mum is staying till next weekend and that your husband is off for the BH weekend but will be back at work on Tuesday.
I think the mistake you've made is by including the weekend. I do hope there's not another one at the other end. If your mum's due to go home on Friday I think your husband should suck it up and learn for next time. I definitely think she needs to be gone by Friday.
I get your frustration at your husband staying in bed but to be honest I might feel the same. He's had 4 days off work (presumably) and not enjoyed them because someone else is in his space.
Now he's got another week of this.
I wonder why you included the BH weekend if your primary aim was for help with the children? Did he agree to your mum staying for a week or was he pressured. I feel everyone is being a bit unfair towards him. He doesn't want her there and you need to agree a compromise. She needs to go soon and in the meantime he will likely stay out of the way. Maybe he could take the kids out for an afternoon.
Youve the summer holidays coming up soon. You need to think about how you're going to be able to manage childcare. Holiday clubs or maybe have you mum over, but for 1 night only.

"maybe have your mum over, but for 1 night only" That's generous of you...

CurlewKate · 10/04/2023 17:21

@KettrickenSmiled Why, thank you! Do please join me. Perfect time for a Bank Holiday gin and tonic.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 17:23

Youve the summer holidays coming up soon. You need to think about how you're going to be able to manage childcare. Holiday clubs or maybe have you mum over, but for 1 night only.

These children have two parents @JudgeRudy
Why do you think it's solely OP's responsibility to plan childcare?

Sceptre86 · 10/04/2023 17:36

I find that women who's dh's basically check out of parenting often rely on help from someone be in their mum or mil. Your mum sounds like she'd probably help anyway because she enjoys it but if I was you I'd be taking a long look at this relationship. She shouldn't have to help where it's his responsibility to. Her coming to yours should be a break for her at least that what I would want for my mum when she comes over to mine.

It's not unreasonable to have been struggling but you are looking to the wrong person to fill the gap in my view. This situation will reoccur every holiday unless you sit down and deal with the issues.

For now I'd tell him he could have an opinion when he started to actually parent, that you were enjoying spending time with your mum and if he was in anyway rude to her or less than hospitable you'd be having words once she left.