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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell DP I'm disappointed with my birthday

151 replies

Daisypowers · 10/04/2023 10:15

I've been with DP for a few years. We live together. For my birthday this year he made no effort. He took me to the cinema, mainly because there was something he wanted to do nearby. He also bought me a Nando's.

For his birthday a few months ago I made him a cake and did lots of nice things on the day, including taking him for dinner. As his gift I bought him £200 worth of lessons for something, which is what he wanted. How do I raise this without seeming ungrateful?

OP posts:
Usernameisunavailable · 10/04/2023 10:20

Cinema and Nando’s seems ok for an adults non ‘special’ birthday to be honest. Just don’t bother making a big fuss of him next year.

Slimjimtobe · 10/04/2023 10:21

I wouldn’t make a big deal of it but I would just do the cinema for his next year.

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2023 10:21

Yo7 stop spending silly amounts or making an effort for his, simple.

Findyourneutralspace · 10/04/2023 10:22

Did he get you a present?

DustyLee123 · 10/04/2023 10:23

Either enjoy his birthday if it’s what you want to do and you enjoy treating him, or stop doing and stop expecting him to treat you the same as you do.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 10/04/2023 10:23

Usernameisunavailable · 10/04/2023 10:20

Cinema and Nando’s seems ok for an adults non ‘special’ birthday to be honest. Just don’t bother making a big fuss of him next year.

Some of us set the bar a little higher.

LeafHunter · 10/04/2023 10:23

Talk about it beforehand. Maybe you both have different views/ideas for birthdays so you might need to let him know what you’d like to happen

MissMarplesbag · 10/04/2023 10:24

Dial it down for his next birthday & Christmas gifts, match the lack of effort he makes for you for him. I bet you he'll notice the lack of effort when it's his birthday. People like that always do, they have an inherent sense of entitlement & expect people do do all the running.

GrazingSheep · 10/04/2023 10:24

Just tell him straight out. It doesn’t sound as if he is particularly concerned about your feelings so why are you concerned about what he thinks?

Quitelikeacatslife · 10/04/2023 10:27

I've learnt that you need to organise it yourself. Book a table where you want to go, tell him how the day will go. Some people are organisers and some aren't and you'll tie yourself in knots trying to get someone to be thoughtful in this way when it doesn't occur to them . Tell him you have planned it so he can focus on lovely present (then lots of ideas)
If you are still disappointed book table for somewhere nice next week , maybe with your friends

JulieHoney · 10/04/2023 10:27

Comunicate. Tell him how you want to spend your birthday.

For some adults, a film and a meal out in a chain restaurant is ample. For others, they like more of an occasion. Personally I've asked that DH cook my favourite dinner at home whereas my BIL would feel hard done by unless it was dinner in a formal restaurant.

You certainly went all out for his birthday, I would scale that down in future.

BeyondMyWits · 10/04/2023 10:27

I think you need to accept he is different from you.

He is not psychic, did you tell him what you wanted. You did things for his birthday that you thought he would like. Did he? Would he have preferred a low key cinema and nandos?

My DH is different from me too. I tell him what I want to happen on my birthday. (25 years together I know what he needs to know now) I also make sure to ask what he wants.

If I wait for him to think of things, I'll be waiting forever. But this morning he is taking the dog out for his walk (i usually do Mondays because of work pattern) because it is a bit wet and he knows I don't like it. That matters more.

If the birthday stuff matters to you, tell him. It will continue, forever, every year, if you don't.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 10/04/2023 10:28

MN is full of women who think you should be happy with nothing for your birthday. It’s fine and not at all childish to expect the bar to be a bit higher.
Whats happened for your birthday in previous years?

Marchforward · 10/04/2023 10:28

Wait until a few months before your next birthday and explain your expectations to him.

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 10:29

Did he get you a gift? I'd have been happy with cinema and nandos for my birthday, we get so bogged down in busy working life it's nice to have a reset sometimes. And no its not about having a low bar, i enjoy things all ends of the scale.

WandaWonder · 10/04/2023 10:30

So basically you celebrated his birthday the way you chose, sure sounds nice what you did but I don't get this 'well I did this so I excpect whatever'

Either talk or just do what you want on your birthday

Shoxfordian · 10/04/2023 10:31

Sounds a bit rubbish, I would tell him to step it up a bit if I were you

Tinkerbyebye · 10/04/2023 10:32

Just tell him how disappointed you were that he made no effort and see what he says/does

then decide what to do moving forward. If he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong stop spending on him, treat him as he does you

TheCentreSlide · 10/04/2023 10:33

No gift? Tell him. Surely if you’ve been together a few years you can be honest with each other?

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 10/04/2023 10:34

That’s really poor. Has he always been like this in your birthday? I’d ditch him tbh.

TrueScrumptious · 10/04/2023 10:35

Did you tell him what you wanted to do? Cinema and Nando’s sound OK to me. Did he get you a present?

Ladybug14 · 10/04/2023 10:35

Cinema and Nandos seems OK. If be fine with that

Obviously not ok if compared with what YOU did for him on his birthday

But is your relationship so transactional?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2023 10:40

I find adults expecting a big fuss over their birthday every year really unattractive and immature. What did you want? Balloons and jelly and cake?

I’d have been happy with cinema and Nando’s.

Just tell him what you want to happen and tone it down for his birthdays.

diddl · 10/04/2023 10:42

As his gift I bought him £200 worth of lessons for something, which is what he wanted.

You didn't have to get it.

Is it usual to spend this amount & does he usually?

Did you tell him what you wanted & he didn't bother?

Skybluepinky · 10/04/2023 10:43

Sounds like u and yr partner are on different pages.

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