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Original poster

To tell DP I'm disappointed with my birthday

151 replies

Daisypowers · 10/04/2023 10:15

I've been with DP for a few years. We live together. For my birthday this year he made no effort. He took me to the cinema, mainly because there was something he wanted to do nearby. He also bought me a Nando's.

For his birthday a few months ago I made him a cake and did lots of nice things on the day, including taking him for dinner. As his gift I bought him £200 worth of lessons for something, which is what he wanted. How do I raise this without seeming ungrateful?

OP posts:
Gemstonebeach · 10/04/2023 10:45

Don't buy him gifts or organize anything extravagant. Movies and Nandos is fine, I would have loved that. Instead I bought myself extravagant gifts and him token gifts as he literally stopped organising anything for me so i didn't bother either, the token gifts were so my young children didn't realise that he was so withdrawn from our life. He is an ex now and had the kids this easter, I nearly died of shock that he bought them easter eggs but he doesn't have anyone to do it for him now 🤷‍♀️

BigFatLiar · 10/04/2023 10:46

OH would be quite happy with me saying happy birthday to him, he's not the least bit bothered by birthdays or 'special occasions'. Not long after we married I told him I thought it would be nice to be treated special on my birthday, he said he thought he treated me as someone special every day. He does however buy me a present for my birthday and we try and have nice meal together even if it is at home.

TrewleyTired · 10/04/2023 10:46

’So enjoy your £200 vouchers dp, as there wont be any for your next birthday! 🙃’

Hankunamatata · 10/04/2023 10:47

Tell him what you would like to do next year

Woahtherehoney · 10/04/2023 10:48

Yeah think you need a conversation about expectations - I’m surprised you haven’t already (unless you have and he’s ignored you)

my other half would be really happy with cinema and Nando’s or somewhere like that for his birthday, as would I, so we’re on the same page. But friends of mine aren’t happy unless they have a whole itinerary planned and lots of things to do - you need to let him know what you want as for him he might think what he did is ok which it is for him but not for you.

caringcarer · 10/04/2023 10:49

Ask him if he has a birthday gift for you. See what he says. DH and I usually spend similar amounts on each other. Except one year I did splash out and buy him a bean to cup coffee machine because he is a coffee drinker whereas I prefer tea.

user1492757084 · 10/04/2023 10:50

It seems like you over spend on birthdays and how would he know how much you spend?
Time with you at the cinema and Nandos means he thought of you. Bake a few cakes together during the next year and communicate which cake is your favourite.

Aprilx · 10/04/2023 10:50

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 10/04/2023 10:23

Some of us set the bar a little higher.

Show quote history

It’s got nothing to do with how high or low a bar is, some people just see more importance in these things than others. I also think the cinema and, well I don’t know about Nando’s I have never been, but a local restaurant would be perfectly nice. After 20 years DH and I don’t typically go overboard on presents.

redbigbananafeet · 10/04/2023 10:51

Quitelikeacatslife · 10/04/2023 10:27

I've learnt that you need to organise it yourself. Book a table where you want to go, tell him how the day will go. Some people are organisers and some aren't and you'll tie yourself in knots trying to get someone to be thoughtful in this way when it doesn't occur to them . Tell him you have planned it so he can focus on lovely present (then lots of ideas)
If you are still disappointed book table for somewhere nice next week , maybe with your friends

That's so sad. It's a free pass for him to not to have to make any effort as your just doing it for him. A sad thing to do to make yourself feel better and no doubt not mention to friends and family that you arranged your own birthday.

diddl · 10/04/2023 10:52

Often when there's such an imbalance each are doing for the other what they would like for themselves!

Allinadayswork80 · 10/04/2023 10:54

My partner is very similar sounding to yours, he’s not overly bothered about celebrating his birthday or getting anything for Xmas and it never occurred to him that I am. We’ve had several arguments in the past over this (because I was equally disappointed like you) and he now realises I like a bit of a fuss made - not diamonds or hugely expensive things but making nice plans and being thoughtful. I would explain to him how you feel, that you understand he isn’t bothered by this but you are and it would mean a lot to you if he can pick up on some ‘subtle hints’ nearer the time and put a little thought into it. I wish I’d have done it this way rather than have the rows, it would’ve saved a lot of heartache!

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 10:54

2 questions @Daisypowers:

  1. What would you have preferred?
  2. Did you tell your DP?
Aprilx · 10/04/2023 10:56

redbigbananafeet · 10/04/2023 10:51

That's so sad. It's a free pass for him to not to have to make any effort as your just doing it for him. A sad thing to do to make yourself feel better and no doubt not mention to friends and family that you arranged your own birthday.

Show quote history

It is not at all sad. It is my birthday next week and I have decided what we shall do, I have told DH to take the day off which he has, I like making plans. I wouldn’t mention or not mention that I organised my own birthday because it honestly doesn’t matter to me. I thought most adults organised their own birthday in fact! It’s only on mumsnet that people get all upset because they didn’t get a balloon arch for their 37th birthday.

Kanaloa · 10/04/2023 10:57

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2023 10:40

I find adults expecting a big fuss over their birthday every year really unattractive and immature. What did you want? Balloons and jelly and cake?

I’d have been happy with cinema and Nando’s.

Just tell him what you want to happen and tone it down for his birthdays.

It’s not ridiculous to expect your partner (who accepted a thoughtful and expensive gift on his birthday) to buy you a birthday gift. It is normal.

Bluebells1970 · 10/04/2023 10:58

DH has always been terrible at birthdays, and over the years I got more and more upset with him about it. Then I realised that the expectations I had were mine, and mine alone. Now I make plans to do something nice myself, and that way I'm spared that awful "was that it" feeling when you go to bed at night.

However, what I do realise is that I should have brought it up the first time to say "do better". I don't think there's any harm in verbalising that you're a bit disappointed in his lack of effort... and stop making him a Prince on his birthday.

PetitPorpoise · 10/04/2023 10:58

diddl · 10/04/2023 10:52

Often when there's such an imbalance each are doing for the other what they would like for themselves!

Definitely this.

You really need to be clear about your expectations. I found this with my husband because even thought I like to go our for a nice dinner on my birthday i'm not precious about it being on the actual date and I'm happy to let that day go pretty much unmarked, as long as we have something booked in.

My DH however, finds the date v important and if I haven't sorted a treat breakfast or similar on that date then he gets quite hurt.

Robinsflyhigh · 10/04/2023 10:58

I stopped having Birthdays when I became a Mum, but that was my choice.

Kanaloa · 10/04/2023 11:02

Robinsflyhigh · 10/04/2023 10:58

I stopped having Birthdays when I became a Mum, but that was my choice.

😕

Why? I think this is harmful to both your kids and yourself. It’s not good for kids to see their mother as ‘a mum.’ Mum doesn’t have birthdays, she’s just a mum. We don’t have to mark any special occasions for her, she’s just a mum. We shouldn’t bother considering or thinking of her, she’s only a mum.

CherryHouse · 10/04/2023 11:03

Return the level of effort for his next birthday. He didn’t make any effort or put any special thought in for yours, so maybe get a takeaway and go bowling for his!!

Exhibity · 10/04/2023 11:04

It's not beyond any man's capability to ask their partner what they want or would like to do for their birthday and then sort something out.

girlfriend44 · 10/04/2023 11:09

Do you expect alot at Christmas mothers day valentines etc. It all adds up.

Sisisimone · 10/04/2023 11:11

Usernameisunavailable · 10/04/2023 10:20

Cinema and Nando’s seems ok for an adults non ‘special’ birthday to be honest. Just don’t bother making a big fuss of him next year.

No, it seems OK for a 10 year olds birthday, at a push.

Sounds like he hasn't given a thought about what the OP would enjoy, just has done something he wanted to do himself anyway and when the OP is so thoughtful about his birthday that's pretty shit.

In answer to your question OP yes I would tell him otherwise the selfishness will just continue every year. And ignore the posters that don't think adults should do anything for their birthdays. They seem abundant on Mumsnet but in the real world pretty much everyone celebrates their birthday no matter what their age.

Hbh17 · 10/04/2023 11:13

Adult birthdays are no big deal - maybe your partner was embarrassed by the amount of fuss you made for his? Perhaps the two of you need a proper conversation about what is/isn't appropriate, and then money isn't wasted.

Sisisimone · 10/04/2023 11:15

Daisypowers · 10/04/2023 10:15

I've been with DP for a few years. We live together. For my birthday this year he made no effort. He took me to the cinema, mainly because there was something he wanted to do nearby. He also bought me a Nando's.

For his birthday a few months ago I made him a cake and did lots of nice things on the day, including taking him for dinner. As his gift I bought him £200 worth of lessons for something, which is what he wanted. How do I raise this without seeming ungrateful?

Are you saying he didn't even bother buying you a gift? Because if so that's really shit. Is he normally so tight and thoughtless? What have previous birthdays been like?

ittakes2 · 10/04/2023 11:20

I think it’s more important how he treats you on an everyday basis. You don’t need tit for tat ie I made a huge effort for his birthday so he should make a huge effort for mine sort of thing. What other things does he do to show you he values you? My hubby never does much on my birthday but he cooks breakfast for me each Saturday and Sunday and I prefer that to a splash for my birthday once a year.