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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP I'm disappointed with my birthday

151 replies

Daisypowers · 10/04/2023 10:15

I've been with DP for a few years. We live together. For my birthday this year he made no effort. He took me to the cinema, mainly because there was something he wanted to do nearby. He also bought me a Nando's.

For his birthday a few months ago I made him a cake and did lots of nice things on the day, including taking him for dinner. As his gift I bought him £200 worth of lessons for something, which is what he wanted. How do I raise this without seeming ungrateful?

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 10/04/2023 11:21

Didn’t realise people carried on about non special birthdays past the age of about 16 but if it matters to you you need to tell him.

If he didn’t get you a gift that’s rubbish but he organised a night out and if it wasn’t to your taste tell him next year the sort of thing you’d like or book it yourself

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 11:22

No, it seems OK for a 10 year olds birthday, at a push.

How ridiculous, when there's people literally on here saying they'd be happy with cinema and nandos.

Softoprider · 10/04/2023 11:23

Is this mumsnet or childsnet

Dilemma19 · 10/04/2023 11:24

Yanbu, surely after his birthday and the effort you put in he should have realised. He just couldn't be bothered. I would say something. Why would you keep quiet and let it simmer with you? A movie and Nandos sounds like any old ordinary day so I wouldn't be pleased with such a poor effort.

Sweetener12 · 10/04/2023 11:27

I think raising this is not going to be percieved as something ungrateful, because you're paying attention to what he says he wants, and he either doesn't or hasn't bothered to ask. There isn't much you can do about your own past birthday, though, so next time just tell him you would like to do X or get Y, and if he doesn't pay attention, then make a smartshow 3d video card for his birthday and stop at there.

Grapewrath · 10/04/2023 11:29

It’s the lack of effort isn’t it?
I always organise all the birthdays and Xmas in my house and Dp gives very little back. My birthday is this week and I’ve hinted about things I’d like but he won’t bother going to any effort- he’ll run to the shops last minute to get me a candle and I’ll have to act like I’m pleased so the dc aren’t upset.
Tbh I’ve started dialling down what I do for him now because I Cba

Ktime · 10/04/2023 11:30

Tell him that you were disappointed.

And for his next birthday take him to the cinema to watch something YOU want to watch and eat somewhere you want to eat.

He’s a selfish taker, don’t enable him.

rumpsteak · 10/04/2023 11:31

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 10/04/2023 10:23

Some of us set the bar a little higher.

Show quote history

😂

diddl · 10/04/2023 11:31

He took me to the cinema, mainly because there was something he wanted to do nearby.

That's shit isn't it?

I mean he doesn't have to spend £200 just because Op did, but the above isn't thoughtful towards Op at all is it?

ElleMD80 · 10/04/2023 11:32

It is always an issue when a ‘birthday person’ couples up with a ‘non-birthday person’. My DH also considers his birthday on a par with Jesus arriving on earth. Myself, am not that bothered. Bút I know from seventeen years together that it means a lot to him and that he makes similar efforts for me, so I try my best to make it special. Best option is to be honest with your partner and tell him your birthday is important to you and you’d like a bit of fuss. Most partners aren’t being mean on purpose.

winningeasy · 10/04/2023 11:32

LTB!

RememberingGoodTimes · 10/04/2023 11:35

I think cinema and a meal sounds lovely.

Is it possible you spend too much for birthdays? £200 is a lot to gift any adult for a normal birthday. I can only speak for myself, but I celebrate people's birthdays more like your partner.

Butterfly44 · 10/04/2023 11:36

How long have you been together? Is this the first year of birthdays? If so then it's understandable because you've different experiences/expectations. What you do for a birthday is not what he's used to. Either have a conversation about expectations or don't have surprises and tell each other what you want.

DanceMonster · 10/04/2023 11:36

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2023 10:40

I find adults expecting a big fuss over their birthday every year really unattractive and immature. What did you want? Balloons and jelly and cake?

I’d have been happy with cinema and Nando’s.

Just tell him what you want to happen and tone it down for his birthdays.

Nando’s is shit quality food. I put it on a par with jelly and ice cream to be honest… fine for a kids/teenagers birthday but as an adult I prefer decent quality, well cooked food. But each to their own I guess, my 9 year old would love to have her birthday meal in Nando’s.
But just because you’d be happy with the cinema and Nando’s, doesn’t mean the OP should be.

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 11:38

@DanceMonster and just because you're a Nandos snob doesn't mean every other adult should be.

redbigbananafeet · 10/04/2023 11:39

Robinsflyhigh · 10/04/2023 10:58

I stopped having Birthdays when I became a Mum, but that was my choice.

Did dad also stop having birthdays when he became a dad?

dapsnotplimsolls · 10/04/2023 11:39

Anyone else getting deja vu?

DanceMonster · 10/04/2023 11:41

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 11:38

@DanceMonster and just because you're a Nandos snob doesn't mean every other adult should be.

Of course not, like I said, each to their own. But just because a load of people on here would be happy with Nando’s, doesn’t mean the OP should be. And she’s not, that’s why she started the thread 🤷🏻‍♀️. So telling her that you would be happy with Nando’s is irrelevant really, isn’t it?

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 11:45

DanceMonster · 10/04/2023 11:41

Of course not, like I said, each to their own. But just because a load of people on here would be happy with Nando’s, doesn’t mean the OP should be. And she’s not, that’s why she started the thread 🤷🏻‍♀️. So telling her that you would be happy with Nando’s is irrelevant really, isn’t it?

Show quote history

And that's not what people are saying. People might say they would be happy with it, they are not saying OP should have been. But you coming on quoting how shit the food is and comparing it to jelly and ice cream is a reach, a massive reach.

DanceMonster · 10/04/2023 11:47

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 11:45

And that's not what people are saying. People might say they would be happy with it, they are not saying OP should have been. But you coming on quoting how shit the food is and comparing it to jelly and ice cream is a reach, a massive reach.

Show quote history

Why is it ‘a reach’? I’m giving my opinion on it, like you all are. I think it’s poor quality food aimed predominantly at teens/older kids. Why is my opinion less valid than yours?

Ktime · 10/04/2023 11:49

Robinsflyhigh · 10/04/2023 10:58

I stopped having Birthdays when I became a Mum, but that was my choice.

Here is your mummy martyr medal 🏅🏅🏅

What do you for partner’s birthday if you have one?

Alwayswonderedwhy · 10/04/2023 11:50

Sound fine to me but if you like to make a big deal out of birthdays just let him know what you'd like to do. Lots of adults aren't that bothered so wouldn't think too much about it.

Nevermind31 · 10/04/2023 11:53

Ask him if he enjoyed his birthday ad gift? But that he doesn’t need it next year?

Beautiful3 · 10/04/2023 11:53

Cinema and a meal sounds good to me. Perhaps you should dial it down for his future birthdays. Did you want a small gift? Perhaps suggest something (he could afford) that you'd love, so he knows.

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 11:56

@DanceMonster 💤💤💤