Page 4 | To tell DP I'm disappointed with my birthday

Daisypowers · 2023-04-10T09:15:50+00:00

I've been with DP for a few years. We live together. For my birthday this year he made no effort. He took me to the cinema, mainly because there was something he wanted to do nearby. He also bought me a Nando's. For his birthday a few months ago I made him a cake and did lots of nice things on the day, including taking him for dinner. As his gift I bought him £200 worth of lessons for something, which is what he wanted. How do I raise this without seeming ungrateful?

DanceMonster · 10/04/2023 11:57

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 11:56

@DanceMonster 💤💤💤

😂

PollyPut · 10/04/2023 11:59

Doesn't sound terrible.

Why does he need to arrange your birthday though? Next time perhaps tell him what you'd like to do (if you do think he should arrange it) or plan it yourself? I am sure that if I planned my DH's he wouldn't like whatever I planned anyway, so I'd expect him to do his own.

We usually go for a day out somewhere that I have been hoping to visit for a while, but I arrange it so that I get something I would like to do.

2bazookas · 10/04/2023 12:01

You're not grateful; but you could still be honest.

AIIDayLong · 10/04/2023 12:02

Cinema and nandos sounds fine, he should have got you a present though.

Isheabastard · 10/04/2023 12:03

My husband was never good with my birthday, I sometimes didn’t even get a card let alone a present if he was away. I once got bollocked on my actual birthday for walking into the kitchen because I saw him writing out the birthday card. It was my fault for wanting a cup of coffee.

I worked out he just wasn’t able to prioritise anything if it wasn’t for his immediate benefit. He was well known for buying all his Christmas gifts last minute (the 24th), and wrapping them on Christmas morning, just before the unwrapping with his family.

Gradually I stopped making such an effort for his birthday, and I’m not sure he really cared that much. Anything he wanted, however slight he would buy for himself anyway.

However my DD really liked presents and always made a big effort and lots of care on choosing and wrapping gifts for others. Knowing this, I used to always return the effort and make her present meaningful and beautifully wrapped.

I am really pleased that her boyfriend understands this and he makes sure he reciprocates the effort she puts in (even if his wrapping skills aren’t as good).

I think you both need to be on the same page re birthdays, Christmas etc. But in truth it really isn’t a big ask to make a bit of effort.

AgnesX · 10/04/2023 12:06

I'd not be chuffed with Nandos at the best of times but I never go there anyway.

What do you do normally, where would you have like to have gone. Would he have known??

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/04/2023 12:07

Different people have different expectations regarding birthdays.

DH and I don't bother with presents as we just tend to buy ourselves what we need, but we do make sure we go out for a meal or do an "experience" together - in recent years we've fed big cats and flown birds of prey, for example.

So I'd be quite happy with a meal and a trip to the cinema, to be honest. I also don't think it's fair to expect him to spend £200+ on you just because that's what you chose to spend on him. I assume he didn't ask you for a £200 gift?

How does he treat you on a daily basis?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 10/04/2023 12:09

As expected, lots of posts saying you're unreasonable for expecting a bit of effort.

I don't think you're unreasonable, but if you do a bunch of nice stuff with the expectation he'll do the same for you, you're onto a path to nowhere. You need to lay out what you'd like, that birthdays are special to you and you want a fuss made.

Summerfun54321 · 10/04/2023 12:19

It sounds like gifts are your "love language" but they aren't his. Tell him you like a fuss made over you for your birthday gifts but dial down the gift effort you make for him and ask what he'd like to do on his birthday to celebrate instead.

sunshinesupermum · 10/04/2023 12:21

Knowing my DP wouldn't be organising anything for my (major) birthday this year I booked an afternoon tea at a posh hotel myself. He'll be paying though! TBF he is buying me a new phone ...

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 10/04/2023 12:24

It sounds like it might be his way of saying he doesn't want to fuss over birthdays. Tbh my DH and I have never bothered much with each other's birthdays but it's fine because it isn't one sided and we don't need the fuss. I'd dial it right down for his next birthday. Give him the equivalent of what he gave you. If he's happy with that then just accept it for what it is and find other ways to celebrate if it's important (treat yourself to a gift or a day out, go for a posh meal with your friends) If he makes the slightest bit of fuss though when he gets back what he dished out then I wouldn't allow that for one sec and I'd be giving him some home truths

IrisAtwood · 10/04/2023 12:28

DustyLee123 · 10/04/2023 10:23

Either enjoy his birthday if it’s what you want to do and you enjoy treating him, or stop doing and stop expecting him to treat you the same as you do.

I agree with this. The ‘arms race’ of making sure that presents and effort are equitable put me right off celebrating anything.

MsRosley · 10/04/2023 12:28

Tell him bluntly what you feel is fair to expect. Make it absolutely clear that if he carries on being lazy/mean that he'll be in hotter water than he'll find comfortable. My DH tried the lazy arse birthday option; the next year he made up for it big time and has never slipped up since.

ReasonablePerson123 · 10/04/2023 12:30

You need to communicate your experience with him but also remember to be grateful.

Whatafliberty · 10/04/2023 12:32

It is not necessary to make a huge fuss over non special birthdays. Card, gift and a cuddle are fine. You are an adult now.

JudgeJ · 10/04/2023 12:32

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 10/04/2023 10:23

Some of us set the bar a little higher.

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And some of us are not at all grabby, judging everything by the price.

BigFatLiar · 10/04/2023 12:35

How do I raise this without seeming ungrateful?

You tell him you'd like him to make a bit more effort. Would he have been bothered if you hadn't gone to so much effort?

breakingintopieces · 10/04/2023 12:49

'I realised we marked each other's birthdays differently this year, and I wondered if that means we prefer to celebrate in different ways. I'm from a family that makes a really big deal out of birthdays, so I like loads of fuss on my birthday, and it didn't occur to me that you might prefer me to rein things in for yours. Would you prefer it if we did something simpler for your birthday next year, like catching a movie together and going out for a meal, just the two of us? I would prefer something much grander for my own birthday, like a surprise party with loads of our friends, but that doesn't mean we have to celebrate each other's birthdays in the same way.'

ReasonablePerson123 · 10/04/2023 12:51

breakingintopieces · 10/04/2023 12:49

'I realised we marked each other's birthdays differently this year, and I wondered if that means we prefer to celebrate in different ways. I'm from a family that makes a really big deal out of birthdays, so I like loads of fuss on my birthday, and it didn't occur to me that you might prefer me to rein things in for yours. Would you prefer it if we did something simpler for your birthday next year, like catching a movie together and going out for a meal, just the two of us? I would prefer something much grander for my own birthday, like a surprise party with loads of our friends, but that doesn't mean we have to celebrate each other's birthdays in the same way.'

Are you a lawyer? 😂

allmyliesaretrue · 10/04/2023 12:56

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 10/04/2023 10:23

Some of us set the bar a little higher.

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Some of us have long grown up and don't have to make a song and dance about a birthday.

If you're not happy, tell him. Why play games??

BlueHeelers · 10/04/2023 12:58

Just stop doing anything special for him.

Most women are socialised to be nice and do special things for those they love. Most men are socialised not to notice this, but to take it as their right.

Fantasmagoricalan · 10/04/2023 13:05

Tell him. Straight.

How would he feel if you made a similar lack of effort for him? I bet he’d be pissed off.

I also hate the disdain around birthdays on here, like somehow wanting to feel a little bit special and thought of is juvenile and pathetic. It’s not.

This is him clearly showing he doesn’t really give a shit about you. He didn’t even get you a present.

NotQuiteHere · 10/04/2023 13:09

Did you enjoy giving him presents? If so, then his birthday was a celebration for you both. I assume that you are not a child waiting excitedly for your birthday and expecting wonderful gifts?

Fantasmagoricalan · 10/04/2023 13:11

NotQuiteHere · 10/04/2023 13:09

Did you enjoy giving him presents? If so, then his birthday was a celebration for you both. I assume that you are not a child waiting excitedly for your birthday and expecting wonderful gifts?

So she should be happy with giving her selfish partner lovely presents and a fuss, and getting fuck all effort made for her in return? Are you serious?

Any minute now we’ll get the ‘what did you expect, men are not naturally very good at birthdays, present buying and thin loo big about anyone else. Lower your expectations, it really is on you, to be honest…’

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 13:14

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 10/04/2023 10:23

Some of us set the bar a little higher.

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Maybe. But how do you force everyone else to comply?