To want to use this name for DC2

[Ohmy88]

5 months pregnant with DC2. We know we’re having a girl & have a few names we really love. I am really set on a name I’d like to us as a middle name. DH loves it too and it goes really well with the various first names we like. It is also the name of my DH DSM who sadly passed away a few years back & who we absolutely adored.

We know FIL would be thrilled if we used the name, but my DH is (I think understandably) worried that it would upset his DM.

I’ve suggested we speak to MIL, even ask her permission, so we can rule it out/in once & for all. I can’t stop thinking about the name now we’ve discussed it! DH thinks even the conversation might upset her and that she might not even be honest about how she feels about us using it. They (MIL & FIL) did have a fairly acrimonious split - but over 30 years ago & absolutely nothing to do with DH’s wonderful DSM.

So question is, WIBU to ask MIL her thoughts on us using the name? Should I just put it to bed to keep the peace but knowing I’ll never get give our DD the middle name we really want & love?

@Ohmy88 lovely name, it’s my daughter’s middle name. Could you do a variation on Rose? Rosa Rosie?

But none of these go particularly well with popular first names. Olivia Rose, for example, has a flow to it where Olivia Hyacinth does not.

Yes now you’ve said the name and if MIL knows a lot of other young families, I don’t think there’ll be a problem. If you tell MIL the whole name all at once, almost like it’s hyphenated, I think it should be Okay.

How about Rosemary? It's very close plus it means remembrance.

Use the name you want - DS has my stepdads name as his middle name.

I adored him, as did my DD's & he was an important & constant part of my life for over 20 years. Had he lived I've no doubt DS would have adored him too.

He died 3 weeks before DS was born & the only person whose opinion we asked before using the name was my mum as we weren't sure if it would be too raw for her being so soon.

Olivia Grace
Olivia Mary
Olivia Lily
Olivia Jane
Olivia Rosa / Rosalind / Rosemary

Seriously I'm sure if you open a baby name thread with first name Olivia you'll get loads of suggestions that don't involve hurting your MIL

Was your Dad hurt or too polite to say anything?

That will be extremely hurtful to his mother/your MIL. Don't do it. Don't even ask. I can't believe you're even considering it!

Well maybe I’m coming at it from a different point as there are also cultural elements at play. My husband is from a culture where you only name children after people who have passed away, never after people who are still alive. You can also only name one person after someone who has passed so you couldn’t have loads of cousins running around named after the same grandparent for example. In our case this means I will be naming our child after my deceased dad and my husband’s parents who are thankfully very much still alive will not be honoured in that way and it won’t cause any issues.

Yes I can see that would make more sense in that cultural context. I told my husband I would not consider any names from any relatives in (our) living memory because I wanted my babies to be considered their own people with their own name from birth and not be forever linked to a particular relative. I didn’t want any hard feelings from relatives whose names were not used either. So in my own family context the idea of honouring a non blood relation who also would never have any social relationship to the baby feels absurd.

As rose is such a popular middle name (it’s mine and my DD’s), I think you could use it

@Sugarfree23 my dad fully understands why we used the name - it doesn't make him any less my dad or DS's grandfather.

its your child, your choice ,your name my in-laws wanted my first born son to have a family name he has the surname forever!! First name was mine and partners choice middle name was a liked name but a roots connection my mum hates his name and refuses to call him and refers by her nickname for him as pudding at the grand old age of 16!

I wouldn't use it. There's loads of names out there and Rose is pretty boring to use as a middle name.

Op I think you "unlocked a new fear" for people based on the comments.

Weird amount of people assuming mum will think she's second best 😵‍💫 I cannot.

It's a beautiful name.

If my daughter did this she would have my total blessing.

Don't let people start controlling what you can and can't do for your baby by emotional blackmail. You will have enough of these "helpful" advice by the end as it is.

Re babies your dammed which ever root you take - someone will judge you, FF or BF natural delivery with no drugs vs baby coming out of sun roof.

Chose a name that makes you happy. And people who love you will deal with their shit put their own feelings aside if that's what you want.

Not everyone mum is threatened by ghosts of sm past present or future !

Hope all goes well 🌹

Rose is a nice name.

I think try floating various possible middle names in front of your MIL and see if she makes the association. If not, you could keep the reason for it private.

If you think it might upset her then maybe try some other names like Flo which means flower and could symbolise indirectly.

Or Bea (no reason apart from I like it 😂)

Regardless of your reasons, his mother is gonna have a lot of feelings about it and i can’t blame her. Avoid avoid avoid