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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to use this name for DC2

143 replies

Ohmy88 · 09/04/2023 21:55

5 months pregnant with DC2. We know we’re having a girl & have a few names we really love. I am really set on a name I’d like to us as a middle name. DH loves it too and it goes really well with the various first names we like. It is also the name of my DH DSM who sadly passed away a few years back & who we absolutely adored.

We know FIL would be thrilled if we used the name, but my DH is (I think understandably) worried that it would upset his DM.

I’ve suggested we speak to MIL, even ask her permission, so we can rule it out/in once & for all. I can’t stop thinking about the name now we’ve discussed it! DH thinks even the conversation might upset her and that she might not even be honest about how she feels about us using it. They (MIL & FIL) did have a fairly acrimonious split - but over 30 years ago & absolutely nothing to do with DH’s wonderful DSM.

So question is, WIBU to ask MIL her thoughts on us using the name? Should I just put it to bed to keep the peace but knowing I’ll never get give our DD the middle name we really want & love?

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 09/04/2023 21:56

Use the name you love.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/04/2023 21:58

I think it’s fine to ask, as long as you’re prepared to not use the name if she says she’d rather you didn’t - because that, after all, is the purpose of asking rather than just doing it.

If you’re just going to use it anyway because you like the name, don’t bother asking in the first place.

custardbear · 09/04/2023 21:58

As a mum I'd be really upset if my child used a name of a step parent. Perhaps you can phrase it that it's because you move the name rather than it honouring her
What is the name?

horsemadgal · 09/04/2023 21:59

Could you use MIL's name as a second middle name?

EmilyGilmoresSass · 09/04/2023 22:00

Could you maybe have two middle names, mum and step mum, to keep the peace if it doesn't go down well with her? I know it's not ideal and you shouldn't have to, just a suggestion!

Heroicallyfound · 09/04/2023 22:00

Meh if you value his mum I just wouldn’t. There’s zillions of names you could pick from. You’ll get over it.

Pepperama · 09/04/2023 22:01

I wouldn’t, even if it was my favourite name. It’s bound to cause deep hurt, but of course she couldn’t say so. But imagine being in her place - your grandchild’s is named after your ex’s new woman. Not cool, and there are so many beautiful names out there you don’t need to chose one that comes with such baggage

Aerosarethebest · 09/04/2023 22:01

Only if you cab lie to your MIL and say it’s your grandmother’s name or something. And then remember that lie forever more.

beccahamlet · 09/04/2023 22:01

Your mum is going to be hurt, even if she says she doesn't mind. Are you more bothered about using the name or not upsetting your mum?

Aerosarethebest · 09/04/2023 22:02

It could be your childhood friend’s name instead of your grandma’s - less likely to get caught out in the lie that way.

thegrain · 09/04/2023 22:03

Just use the name. Mum needs to accept that the step mum was an important part of her son's life. It should be a good thing he loved her so much.

PassTheDuckie · 09/04/2023 22:03

Don’t do it.

NoTouch · 09/04/2023 22:03

You know it is wrong. You know it will cause years of hurt. That is why the name is so attractive, forbidden fruit.

Let the name go, what is more important honoring the dead or caring about the living.

thegrain · 09/04/2023 22:06

I don't get why it would upset her? She wasn't the other woman. Presumably she got over her husband spliting up with her? She possibly instigated the split. I don't get why she'd be upset.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 09/04/2023 22:06

If you're certain you want the to use the name, don't even ask. I wouldn't bother picking it though, even if she says it's okay, it will probably be a bit upsetting.

HaggisFace · 09/04/2023 22:08

Personally I wouldn't. It's not worth the potential upset imo.

BignBootiful · 09/04/2023 22:09

thegrain · 09/04/2023 22:03

Just use the name. Mum needs to accept that the step mum was an important part of her son's life. It should be a good thing he loved her so much.

More important than his mum?

Phoebo · 09/04/2023 22:11

I think even if MIL says she's ok with it, she won't be. I wouldn't use it

RobinRobinMouse · 09/04/2023 22:12

I think this may cause too much hurt.

thegrain · 09/04/2023 22:12

BignBootiful · 09/04/2023 22:09

More important than his mum?

Show quote history

No one is saying she was more important than his mum?

Unicorn2022 · 09/04/2023 22:14

It would be an awful thing to do! She would probably be too polite to say how she really feels but surely as a mum yourself you can see what a massive kick in the teeth it would be to your MIL?! I can't believe you are even considering it.

thegrain · 09/04/2023 22:14

The only way I can see it being hurtful are if she was the OW (she wasn't) or if his mum still wanted to be with his dad. Which probably isn't the case as I expect he was an arse at some point.

drpet49 · 09/04/2023 22:14

Heroicallyfound · 09/04/2023 22:00

Meh if you value his mum I just wouldn’t. There’s zillions of names you could pick from. You’ll get over it.

This.

ChocChipHandbag · 09/04/2023 22:14

I think your DH sounds lovely, being so sensitive to his Mum's feelings. Listen to what he is saying and let it go.

ChocChipHandbag · 09/04/2023 22:16

I also note that you talk about the "wonderful" stepmum who you both "adored" but you don't say anything nice to describe his Mum. It's fairly obvious which of them you preferred.

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