To want to use this name for DC2

[Ohmy88]

5 months pregnant with DC2. We know we’re having a girl & have a few names we really love. I am really set on a name I’d like to us as a middle name. DH loves it too and it goes really well with the various first names we like. It is also the name of my DH DSM who sadly passed away a few years back & who we absolutely adored.

We know FIL would be thrilled if we used the name, but my DH is (I think understandably) worried that it would upset his DM.

I’ve suggested we speak to MIL, even ask her permission, so we can rule it out/in once & for all. I can’t stop thinking about the name now we’ve discussed it! DH thinks even the conversation might upset her and that she might not even be honest about how she feels about us using it. They (MIL & FIL) did have a fairly acrimonious split - but over 30 years ago & absolutely nothing to do with DH’s wonderful DSM.

So question is, WIBU to ask MIL her thoughts on us using the name? Should I just put it to bed to keep the peace but knowing I’ll never get give our DD the middle name we really want & love?

It’s a grey area and only you know the full situation. I would just think of your kid carrying potential baggage that could be easily avoided.

I’m really surprised by the strong reactions on this thread. I personally think, it’s fine, mainly because dsm is deceased so that sets her apart from the other living gps.

However similarly to some PPs have said that it probably comes down to MILs personality. My mum would be totally fine with this but my MIL I don’t think would take this well so probably wouldn’t be worth the agro.

I voted YABU simply because you don't need the permission of someone to use a name.

Stop trying to find issues where there aren't any and only deal with the issues when they actually become issues.

I have never used this expression in a post before (at least I really don't think I have) but please give your collective heads a wobble here!

I think that would be a very hurtful thing to do and wouldn’t even think about asking. Please find another name.

This is a straightforward and easy no way from me. And I’m not precious about names.

It's just a name.

My half brother used a middle name for his son that also happened to be the name of my father. Our mother had a bit of an 'Oh, that's a surprise, I suppose it hadn't occurred to them' moment about it and he quite sensibly said it hadn't and it was a name that his wife had always wanted to use/went perfectly with the first name.

As long as nobody makes sure that she knows it's a tribute to a dead person (and there's no longstanding tradition of doing exactly that in either family), it will hardly register beyond the initial 'oh, that's pretty' with both first and middle name spoken together.

Rose is like every other littles girls middle name. It's such a filler name no one will even twig.

If your SM was alive, I’d say YABU and it would be upsetting for your mum, but as she’s passed away, I think it would be petty for your MIL to be annoyed, it’s a lovely way to honour her.

Your MIL that should say, not your mum

It's a common name so no one outside immediate family would know.

We had similar. Didn't know the sex but a favourite name for a boy was the name of an ex of MIL that treated her badly (before I met DH so I didn't know). Once I found out I mentioned it to her, that just liked the name but then found out and would it be OK. She said all fine, baby ended up being a girl, so as Joey would say a moo point 😂

I wouldn't. And I wouldn't ask your MIL either- it's the sort of question that it's impossible to say no to without feeling awful. There are a million lovely names- don't use one that might cause someone else pain.

Can it be spelt differently so it’s not so obvious?

Rose is a very popular middle name. Just use it if you like it

Comments like yours reveal an awful lot about the commenter. You must have serious issues with family members to even think up the stuff you do. Very revealing.

If my dd used her step mother's name and not mine I would be devastated. Can you use both?

If my son named his DC after his stepmother who has a gorgeous name, who has added love to his life and was sadly no longer with us I'd be really fucking proud of him, genuinely. Lovely gesture. And my name is boring AF so I'd not burden a child with it.

Why people think MiL may hold resentment towards someone who was a positive experience in her DS life is beyond me.

For transparency I do really like my sons DSM, however even if that wasn't the case and she was still someone who had loved him and likewise, I'd be very happy for him to use her name still.

There a 1000s of other names you can use without causing offense. I would be heartbroken if my Grandchild was called after my ex's new wife.

I would were it not Rose. Reminds me of Rose West. Sorry if mention upsets anyone.

I think this would be too upsetting for DH's mum and you should either give two names, one for each, or not use it at all.

You certainly should not ask MIL to "consent" or "give permission" to use a name; that's putting her in a really awkward position. She can hardly refuse, because that would make her look like a jealous bitter witch and have everybody else think she's never got over her divorce. She's an adult with a past; like her entire age group. She'll shrug and carry off the name with a smile.

Tell her in private "Mum, we want you to be the first to know; the name we've chosen is X . New grandbaby with a new life to live. I know you'll love its new owner to bits. "

That way she's got time to get her head round it in private.

Are you serious? How do you suggest you change the spelling of Rose?

Rows?

Please don't think I'm being serious when I say Rows either 🤣

She isn’t a grandparent. She’s not a blood relation and she’s dead so she won’t have a grandparent type relationship with this child. So what’s left? Nothing the child is ever going to care about beyond asking who that person in the photo with dad is and maybe remembering that dad said she was lovely.

Practically every third girl has the middle name of Rose, Grace or May; much as the 80s equivalents were Jane, Louise or Marie. Even without the SMIL controversy I might be inclined to go for something a little less popular that would date better.

Given MiL is still in the picture, there is no way I could in all conscience use this name. 'Rosa' is similar-sounding but at least a different name and might be a compromise if you really do feel you love it. Plus it's more unusual than the ubiquitous Rose (not intended as an insult as this is a lovely name too, there are just rather a lot of them about). As floral names go, Iris, Violet, Flora, and Lily are just as attractive, less common, and would look far less pointed.

Presenting this as a fait accompli to the child's still-living grandma looks like a calculated snub, even if this wasn't intended. There are lots of beautiful alternatives to choose from.