Page 2 | To want to use this name for DC2

Ohmy88 · 2023-04-09T20:55:22+00:00

5 months pregnant with DC2. We know we’re having a girl & have a few names we really love. I am really set on a name I’d like to us as a middle name. DH loves it too and it goes really well with the various first names we like. It is also the name of my DH DSM who sadly passed away a few years back & who we absolutely adored. We know FIL would be thrilled if we used the name, but my DH is (I think understandably) worried that it would upset his DM. I’ve suggested we speak to MIL, even ask her permission, so we can rule it out/in once & for all. I can’t stop thinking about the name now we’ve discussed it! DH thinks even the conversation might upset her and that she might not even be honest about how she feels about us using it. They (MIL & FIL) did have a fairly acrimonious split - but over 30 years ago & absolutely nothing to do with DH’s wonderful DSM. So question is, WIBU to ask MIL her thoughts on us using the name? Should I just put it to bed to keep the peace but knowing I’ll never get give our DD the middle name we really want & love?

MelchiorsMistress · 09/04/2023 22:18

Your DH is right to be worried that it would upset his mum. Why would you want to choose a name that however beautiful it sounds, causes worry for your DH and hurt for a doting new grandmother?

Elderflower14 · 09/04/2023 22:18

Use it as a middle name?

whosaidtha · 09/04/2023 22:19

The grandma name bit doesn't work. My mum is upset we used dh's grandmas name because it's also his mums name and it looks like we favour his mum over mine.
Even if she says yes it's still hurtful. You are choosing to honour you husbands step mum over his actual mum. She may say yes to seem gracious but even so you must see it will hurt her.

thegrain · 09/04/2023 22:19

Elderflower14 · 09/04/2023 22:18

Use it as a middle name?

That's what they want. So it's not like MIL has to say the stepmums name either!

thegrain · 09/04/2023 22:20

whosaidtha · 09/04/2023 22:19

The grandma name bit doesn't work. My mum is upset we used dh's grandmas name because it's also his mums name and it looks like we favour his mum over mine.
Even if she says yes it's still hurtful. You are choosing to honour you husbands step mum over his actual mum. She may say yes to seem gracious but even so you must see it will hurt her.

mum isn't dead. Stepmum is. They are honouring the dead.

Original poster

Ohmy88 · 09/04/2023 22:20

Thanks for all your replies. To answer a few…

We certainly wouldn’t use it if MIL said she didn’t want us to. DH’s worry is that asking her might upset her & that she might not actually say if she didn’t want us to.

We love the name on its own, but the association to someone dear to us who died suddenly/quite young & who will never get to meet our 2 DC does make it extra special.

We wouldn’t use MIL’s name as a middle name. It’s not a name we like (nor does she!) and we’re very fixed on just first, middle, last name - same as DC1.

SMIL was not the OW & MIL remarried (& is still married) / had further children after the split.

For weeks we’ve been trying to find a different name we like as much but anything else feels second best. I think I do need to let it go. I have been trying - maybe it is the forbidden fruit thing! 💔

To be clear I do love MIL very much - there is no preference. But SMIL is no longer here & it just felt special to honour her using a beautiful name that means so much

OP posts:

thegrain · 09/04/2023 22:22

SMIL was not the OW & MIL remarried (& is still married there you go MIL is over it, remarried and happy with her lot. I don't see why she'd care that the name is also DH's deceased Stepmums name.

Ilovemydoggie · 09/04/2023 22:23

Just don’t, there are 1000s of other names out there. You don’t want your brand new baby to start life carrying the legacy of hurt feelings.

Limetart · 09/04/2023 22:24

My dd and dsil gave dgc middle name after dsil’s father. Dh and I not the slightest bit bothered.
Parents name their dc and it’s absolutely nothing to do with anyone else!

Aerosarethebest · 09/04/2023 22:24

Ohmy88 · 09/04/2023 22:20

Thanks for all your replies. To answer a few…

We certainly wouldn’t use it if MIL said she didn’t want us to. DH’s worry is that asking her might upset her & that she might not actually say if she didn’t want us to.

We love the name on its own, but the association to someone dear to us who died suddenly/quite young & who will never get to meet our 2 DC does make it extra special.

We wouldn’t use MIL’s name as a middle name. It’s not a name we like (nor does she!) and we’re very fixed on just first, middle, last name - same as DC1.

SMIL was not the OW & MIL remarried (& is still married) / had further children after the split.

For weeks we’ve been trying to find a different name we like as much but anything else feels second best. I think I do need to let it go. I have been trying - maybe it is the forbidden fruit thing! 💔

To be clear I do love MIL very much - there is no preference. But SMIL is no longer here & it just felt special to honour her using a beautiful name that means so much

Oh fuck no. Don’t do it. I thought you just liked the name and it happened to be your SMILs name. You absolutely can’t purposefully name a baby after a step parent. That’s asking for world war 3 in family politics. Pick something else and buy some flowers to honour SMiL.

Floralnomad · 09/04/2023 22:24

Just use the name and don’t discuss it before you have the baby .

Grapewrath · 09/04/2023 22:25

Use the name- you like it anyway and it’s coincidental that it’s also stepmums name. Even so, it’s normal to name a child to honour a dead relative. If steonum was alive, Mil would have a point but she’s dead snd it’s a tribute. If she’s not ok with that then I’d find that very self involved

BellePeppa · 09/04/2023 22:26

If one of my kids wanted to give their child the name of their dads wife I’d be put out. I couldn’t stop them but it would definitely not sit right with me. I’d be hurt.

Reugny · 09/04/2023 22:26

Don't bother asking your MIL.

You should not check baby names with family and close friends.

Either use the name and say it the name of a deceased long-term friend close to you and simply don't mention it was your DH step-mother.

Or don't use the name and pick something else.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 09/04/2023 22:28

I have exactly the same family situation as you.

my mum would flip the fuck out if I asked or did this.

I really wouldn’t if I was you.

AngelinaFibres · 09/04/2023 22:28

custardbear · 09/04/2023 21:58

As a mum I'd be really upset if my child used a name of a step parent. Perhaps you can phrase it that it's because you move the name rather than it honouring her
What is the name?

This.Really odd thing to even contemplate. I would be really upset if my child and spouse used my exhusbands wife's name as any part if year child's name.

AngelinaFibres · 09/04/2023 22:29

Grapewrath · 09/04/2023 22:25

Use the name- you like it anyway and it’s coincidental that it’s also stepmums name. Even so, it’s normal to name a child to honour a dead relative. If steonum was alive, Mil would have a point but she’s dead snd it’s a tribute. If she’s not ok with that then I’d find that very self involved

Wow.

Unicorn2022 · 09/04/2023 22:30

thegrain · 09/04/2023 22:22

SMIL was not the OW & MIL remarried (& is still married there you go MIL is over it, remarried and happy with her lot. I don't see why she'd care that the name is also DH's deceased Stepmums name.

Would you really be happy with your son naming your precious granddaughter after his dad's second wife rather than after you, his actual mother? All of your friends and family thinking that the step mum was more loved by your son than you are? Being too embarrassed and upset to tell people the name? Feeling second best?

OP I can't believe you are even considering putting her in the awful position of asking her permission about this! You'll be on here next year moaning that she's not taking much interest in the new baby.

worryingalot · 09/04/2023 22:33

If you have to use it I’d use it as a middle name (I’m known by my middle name so there is that option)
but it doesn’t sound ideal if it will upset his mum

thegrain · 09/04/2023 22:34

Unicorn2022 · 09/04/2023 22:30

Would you really be happy with your son naming your precious granddaughter after his dad's second wife rather than after you, his actual mother? All of your friends and family thinking that the step mum was more loved by your son than you are? Being too embarrassed and upset to tell people the name? Feeling second best?

OP I can't believe you are even considering putting her in the awful position of asking her permission about this! You'll be on here next year moaning that she's not taking much interest in the new baby.

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Why would anyone think that? Instead they'd be like aw that's nice she must have been a really nice stepmum. I think it's a bit off if this lady has treated him like her own to then go oh but it can't work both ways you can't admit you loved her back.

Mamamia7962 · 09/04/2023 22:35

I can't see the problem if you're using it as a middle name. I have nieces and nephews as well as great nieces and nephews and can't remember their middle names.

ChocChipHandbag · 09/04/2023 22:37

Thinking it through OP, I guess it is fairly common for a child to be named to honour one grandparent, excluding the others. Often subsequent children get the other names.

My son is middle named after my father, who died before he was born. FIL is still alive, so he had no issue with the other dead granddad being honoured in that way. Had both granddads been dead, or both alive, I guess we'd maybe not have used either name.

If you think of DSMIL as an additional grandparent who has sadly passed away, versus the other who gets to meet her grandchild, it makes more sense. But your DH has a gut feeling that his Mum would be upset. How did MIL get on with SMIL? Did MIL go to the funeral? Was she sad about her death?

MysteryBelle · 09/04/2023 22:38

You want to name your child after your husband’s stepmother and he is trying to tell you that even broaching the possibility to his mother would of course upset her.

But, by all means do it if you despise your husband’s mother and want to hurt her by naming your child, her grandchild, after a woman who later married her ex husband and is not your husband’s mother, she is. And have relationship with her grandchild calling her the stepmother’s name forevermore.

Out of all the names in the world, you say you have to use that one. I think there is a backstory. Personally I think it’s vicious to do this.

Sugarfree23 · 09/04/2023 22:39

Op don't even go there.
MIL is likely to be polite and say the right thing - that's lovely - but inwardly be cut to ribbons.

Pick a different name, why risk a shed load of bad feeling and hurt on a middle name that's likely only to be heard about 3 times ever, baby's name, christening & wedding!

MysteryBelle · 09/04/2023 22:40

How cruel to do this. Wow.